looking for coping skills to live with severely suicidal young adult child

[sakshi]

Hi there: I have a 23 year old son diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago (depression 8 years ago). He has been hospitalized 4 times for serious suicide attempts. He does not warn, threaten or show any signs of planning. He can be smiling and state everything is okay and then do it. He overdosed on aspirin in high school (saved by something in his stomach binding the aspirin) and then hung (I'm sorry this is disturbing) himself in his closet in college. I found him after 10 minutes, no heartbeat, resuscitated him 3 times in the house alone with our dogs, and then 3 more times in ambulance and coma for a week. Long recovery, actually got back to college and graduated after 5 1/2 years in neuropsychology and lots of driving back and forth and support. He graduated a year and a half ago, and even with gradual encouragement, financial support, could not follow through on the people meeting part of job getting. He did a 2 month stint as a counselor on the suicide crisis line and was quite good at it ironically. Then went to live with partner in partner's home town and could not get himself to get a job. Another suicide attempt there. Broke up with partner because of this and came home. Again gentle support offered for help to get job but financial support now all used up (single mom, getting in debt). He tried to hang himself again in closet. Another hospitalization and not much help with issue of independence/dependence and vocational skills from them other than telling me he is one of their most dangerous patients (to himself)-its his main coping skill. I'm all used up. His father has not contacted him in over a year and pretty much cut ties with the kids after our divorce 10 years ago. I'm usually a pretty energetic optimistic nurse practitioner/case manager. I've been seeing a therapist for 5 years for the flashbacks/PTSD from resuscitating him and experiencing for a few minutes what it would feel like if he died. But back then I thought there was hope. Now I live daily with the fear I will find him dead again, am severely depressed, can't work and realize that neither kind limitless mothering (limitless is not good for the soul though) with no expectation that he have a purpose in life nor limit setting and expectations that are age appropriate make him change. He is mortified by the thought of independence yet sabotages all the support he gets. Does anyone know any in person parent support groups in the Bay Area in California for dealing with the possibility of daily suicide of the child you love? And does anyone have any personal experience with a child like this ie no warning, no obvious manipulation, people find him very pleasant and how they cope with the stress of suicide happening daily? I'm trying to find a residential facility for him but most don't work with private insurance and there are huge co-pays. Thank you so much, long post sorry

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi sakshi

The situation whit your son is very difficult and I can see how this can really take its toll on you.

He has been diagnosed with BPD? Do you feel like he fully acknowledges this diagnosis and is willing to commit himself to working on his issues? BPD is quite a difficult disorder, especially considering your son's history of suicide attempts. Has he ever received any therapy specifically aimed at dealing with his BPD and/or depression? One treatment that has been proven to be effective for people with BPD is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Are you familiar with this form of therapy?

Having experienced the things you have, I understand how this could lead to flashbacks/PTSD. No parent would want to see her own child like that. It's good that you're trying to take care of your own mental and emotional well-being by seeing a therapist and also by reaching out here for support Have you discussed your recent fears concerning your son and feelings of depression with your therapist?

[Someday . . .]

Hi Sakshi,  I cannot imagine living with such fear over such a very real possibility of suicide.  My heart goes out to you.

I live in the SF Bay Area and am not familiar with any support groups of a possibility of someone taking their own life.  I do suggest that you might get a hold of Survivors of Suicide (just do a search on the group) and you could contact one of the groups in the Bay Area and see if they have any resources.

A co-leader and I have given a couple of classes (Family Connections) on BPD given in Berkeley which was also a support group through the National Educational Alliance of BPD.  Unfortunately we don't have anything planned at the moment.   

If you are interested in getting together for any kind of support I am more than willing to be a source of support for you since I have a similar situation.

I do recommend a great place for counseling, if your son is willing or if you have good insurance etc. . It is Clearwater Counseling in Oakland.  Great DBT center.  I highly recommend Demi as a counselor, though it may be difficult to make an appt. with her. 

Again, my heart goes out to you as it must be VERY difficult to live in constant fear - I get it. I've been there myself.

[sakshi]

Hi Someday: Thank you for the thoughts. Currently he has "run away" from his day program to a friend in Davis (he has no money?). They are trying to get him back because he has a good chance to be accepted at a residential place with vocational training and DBT therapy. He said this was what he wanted and yet he left the program, won't come back when the counselor explained the need ie getting insurance to auth the admission seeing he was in a day program. He seems to sabotage all these supports etc hurting himself and others out of fear of independence? Is this part of BPD? I know he really does not have a "feel" for who he is and certainly not empathy for others or cannot act on it. My older son (sort of an intellectual) found a study that said BPD people overreact to other's expressions but are unable to "cognitively empathize" with others leaving them without a way to problem solve their uncomfortable feelings. Anyway, the other initial choice was to find him a good DBT therapist and he had looked into Clearwater and Oakland DBT center but did not follow up. I might attend a parent group at Oakland for DBT therapy if they hold it in January. My problem is #1 My overwhelming issue of stress for the daily possibility of suicide and the visions of him hanging. I attended NAMI groups the first time around and, as a health care professional found it extremely uncomfortable sharing such an upsetting vision with fragile parents who feared that very vision in their future so I realized I could not look for ideas or support there unless I edited what was my issue and #2 thank you for the suicide survivor referral. Having experienced my two parents dying back to back before my son's attempt I realize that death (albeit horrible from a suicide) hopefully starts a healing process to go through, the grieving. My issue is a daily one that I  feel will go on and on or... .I am so sorry that you are experiencing the same  but your sharing gives me comfort if good things can come of bad thank you. I have always been inspired by others strength especially what I see in the hospital where I work. thank you. Currently Im in that make it thru the day mode, anxious wired sleeping during the day and not at night not much good for socializing but maybe maybe if he gets into residential I will be back to myself and will contact you. thank you for the offer

[Elbry]

Hi Sakshi.  I am sorry to hear about all you are going through.  I don't have any answers for you as far as support groups go.  I do understand about the PTSD.  I have PTSD from childhood trauma and abuse and then it was exacerbated by my daughters suicide attempts.  She had 4 in about 18 months and she is only 15 years old.  3 overdoses and 1 by cutting.  2 of the overdoses landed her in the ICU.  The first time she took a lethal does of of Tylenol, I paced all night in the ICU.  She was not really conscious, barely responsive and had to be transferred to a pediatric ICU 3 hours away.  Thank the Gods she got scared when it started to hurt and she told me what she had done, or she would have died.  It was too late to charcoal her. As it was, we barely made it in the window of time they have to give them the antidote.  Her blood levels were extremely high. Without that, she would have died.  She's done that twice.  It's still not as bad as what you went through and my heart goes out to you.

My DD gives no warning either, so I hear you on that one.  She doesn't threaten, she doesn't talk about it, she just does it.  It's like a bomb going off! She will have months of doing so well, seeming so stable that we can't even keep all her services in place because insurance cuts them off as it seems like she doesn't need them anymore.  Then BAM!  She takes us by surprise.  She is in Residential now, I can breathe.

So I just wanted to say you are not alone and send you a hug.  

[Someday . . .]

Sakshi, you certainly have been through a lot.  I can absolutely understand the fear of your son needing help and him not wanting to engage in treatment. I wish that I could respond more right now but I feel that my daughter has hacked into this account and is reading everything I write (! That's a whole other story!).   I do wish you well and when you are feeling stronger please don't hesitate to contact me if you desire.  Good luck!