Ex contacted me today, need advice

[hattrick]

So anyone who has followed my story knows that me and my ex were in a great relationship for nearly 6 years. We had been friends for 8 years prior to the relationship. Then out of the blue she broke up with me and had a replacement all ready and waiting. This b/u was about 5 months ago. We work together so we do have to see each other but not talk. After the b/u I tried to talk to her a couple times but she was not receptive.

So today she texted me to let me know that they are putting her mom in hospice. Her mom has not been in good health for years so this is not a surprise. So do I ignore her text? Do I text her back telling her I am sorry to hear this news?

I am still not sure if I want her back or not. I definitely miss her and her kids. I think the huge amount of stress on her was the trigger that led to our breakup. I have also heard of things she is doing in her life and it seams as though she is driving her life off a cliff with her kids in the passenger seat. In the past I have been the only one who has been able to talk some sense into her when she is about to do something stupid or impulsive.

Anyways, just need to know what to expect depending on what I decide to do, or maybe what I should decide to do.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hattrick,

What do you expect to happen if you respond?  Why do you think she texted you?

I understand your concern for her impulsive and self-destructive behavior.  Do you feel obligated to help her? 

[hattrick]

Hi Hattrick,

What do you expect to happen if you respond?  Why do you think she texted you?

I understand your concern for her impulsive and self-destructive behavior.  Do you feel obligated to help her? 

Don't know what to expect if I respond. Not sure about the status of my replacement. She may just be letting me know about her mom because I always showed concern for her mom and she may just be letting me know because she thinks I'd want to know. Maybe she needs some emotional support and knows that when we were together I was always there for her. The thing is I don't know what to think.

Do I feel obligated to help her? Not anymore. I tried my best when we were together. She chose to push me (and everyone who loved her) away. Not much I could do right now anyways.

I guess those are the questions I'm asking to members here. Even though it is probably true that her mom is going into hospice could this be a re-engagement attempt on her part? Maybe a convenient way for her to contact me. Or is she just being courteous in telling me the news as I always liked her mom.

[EaglesJuju]

Don't know what to expect if I respond. Not sure about the status of my replacement. She may just be letting me know about her mom because I always showed concern for her mom and she may just be letting me know because she thinks I'd want to know. Maybe she needs some emotional support and knows that when we were together I was always there for her. The thing is I don't know what to think.

Do I feel obligated to help her? Not anymore. I tried my best when we were together. She chose to push me (and everyone who loved her) away. Not much I could do right now anyways.

I guess those are the questions I'm asking to members here. Even though it is probably true that her mom is going into hospice could this be a re-engagement attempt on her part? Maybe a convenient way for her to contact me. Or is she just being courteous in telling me the news as I always liked her mom.

All of those possibilities could be true.  In my opinion, I'm leaning more towards her being courteous and looking for support.

Regardless of her intentions, how do you think responding will affect you?  You mentioned before that you are unsure of if you want her back or not. 

I cannot say for sure how she will react or behave.  If you respond back, I would prepare for the worst case scenario. 

[oletimefeelin]

I'd imagine she's seeking stability in her life during this difficult time.  This sort of thing is difficult for perfectly well adjusted to handle, much less a borderline.  You guys have a lot of history together, so it makes sense she'd attempt to latch on to you right now.  It also makes sense that she'd punt your relationship if this sort of thing was going on in the background, too. 

If you contact her, expect nothing in return.  It's highly unlikely there's any meat on the bone.  You put yourself in a tricky spot if you do contact her, but I totally get why you would.  Keep your eyes and ears open.

[hattrick]

Don't know what to expect if I respond. Not sure about the status of my replacement. She may just be letting me know about her mom because I always showed concern for her mom and she may just be letting me know because she thinks I'd want to know. Maybe she needs some emotional support and knows that when we were together I was always there for her. The thing is I don't know what to think.

Do I feel obligated to help her? Not anymore. I tried my best when we were together. She chose to push me (and everyone who loved her) away. Not much I could do right now anyways.

I guess those are the questions I'm asking to members here. Even though it is probably true that her mom is going into hospice could this be a re-engagement attempt on her part? Maybe a convenient way for her to contact me. Or is she just being courteous in telling me the news as I always liked her mom.

All of those possibilities could be true.  In my opinion, I'm leaning more towards her being courteous and looking for support.

Regardless of her intentions, how do you think responding will affect you?  You mentioned before that you are unsure of if you want her back or not. 

I cannot say for sure how she will react or behave.  If you respond back, I would prepare for the worst case scenario. 

I'm not even sure what the worst case scenario is.

I'd imagine she's seeking stability in her life during this difficult time.  This sort of thing is difficult for perfectly well adjusted to handle, much less a borderline.  You guys have a lot of history together, so it makes sense she'd attempt to latch on to you right now.  It also makes sense that she'd punt your relationship if this sort of thing was going on in the background, too. 

If you contact her, expect nothing in return.  It's highly unlikely there's any meat on the bone.  You put yourself in a tricky spot if you do contact her, but I totally get why you would.  Keep your eyes and ears open.

Her moms health has been degrading for years. Since before we even got together. But it became worse to the fact that it seemed her mom could pass any day right before we broke up. This was part of the stress she was going through at the time. She also had gotten back into school and was stressed about her performance there. She had just had shoulder surgery and her shoulder wasn't getting better as much as it should have been (she didn't go to her physical therapy like she was supposed to). Because of her arm she was off of work and not bringing in much money. Also I believe the death of her estranged father became really real for her as I took her to his grave on fathers day (he passed away last October).

[shatra]

Oletime feelin wrote It also makes sense that she'd punt your relationship if this sort of thing was going on in the background, too. 

----Do u mean that if the mother is ill, the BPD would punt or leave the relationship with the partner? I have heard of that, because the emotional intensity of possible loss of the ill relative reminds them of possible loss in general... .and before someone leaves them, they push the person away?

Shatra

[hattrick]

Oletime feelin wrote It also makes sense that she'd punt your relationship if this sort of thing was going on in the background, too. 

----Do u mean that if the mother is ill, the BPD would punt or leave the relationship with the partner? I have heard of that, because the emotional intensity of possible loss of the ill relative reminds them of possible loss in general... .and before someone leaves them, they push the person away?

Shatra

I think that oldtimefeelin meant something along those lines. And I think he's pretty close to an accurate assessment. I think that the stress of all of it is something she couldn't handle. Her mom has been in poor health for several years but she had gotten worse to the point of her passing soon was a real possibility. I think that was the tipping point. I could see the disregulation in her eyes.

[enlighten me]

Personally I would reply.

I would keep it short and simple. Something like. Sorry to hear about your mum. Let her know im thinking of her.

I am in a place where I wont get sucked back in but believe my core values must be adhered to so responding in my opinion is the right thing to do.

[hattrick]

I did reply. Just said I was sorry to hear that as I always liked her mom.

So the plot thickens a bit. This morning while I was still sleeping, I got another text from her telling me her mom had passed away this morning. I replied about an hour later. Told her I was sorry to hear that and I hoped her and the kids were okay.

I guess I'm now wondering if the stress she must be feeling right now will cause her to disregulate big time. Should I expect another text, maybe a phone call. Might she take this out on my replacement. Trying to prepare myself for whatever comes even if its nothing at all.

[enlighten me]

For both of my uBPD exs their mum is their anchor. I have often wondered what will happen when they lose them. I can see both of them going off on one and having a meltdown.

was your ex close to her mum? Did she always call her or visit her? Did she blame her mum for things?

My ex wife blamed her mum for everything that was wrong with her growing up and even after. She painted her as an evil witch but is on the phone to her every day for an hour or longer.

Your ex may just be giving you the courtesy of letting you know or it could be something deeper. It all depends on what her feelings for you really where.

[hattrick]

For both of my uBPD exs their mum is their anchor. I have often wondered what will happen when they lose them. I can see both of them going off on one and having a meltdown.

was your ex close to her mum? Did she always call her or visit her? Did she blame her mum for things?

My ex wife blamed her mum for everything that was wrong with her growing up and even after. She painted her as an evil witch but is on the phone to her every day for an hour or longer.

Your ex may just be giving you the courtesy of letting you know or it could be something deeper. It all depends on what her feelings for you really where.

To say that she was close to her mom is a major understatement. Her mom was like her whole world. Her mom was the first person she contacted for advice. She visited her mom every Friday night 99% of the time. Only time she didn't is if we had something important on a Friday and then she would go (or I would take her) on Saturday. She would phone her mom everyday. To say her mom was her anchor would be an understatement. One time about 5 years ago she thought I was going to break up with her, she got so upset at the thought of losing me. She was distraught with grief. She immediately jumped in her car and drove to see her mom (like an hour and a half away)so she could cry on her moms shoulder. And she never blamed her mom for anything. Her mom was like an angel in her eyes. I do have a suspicion that her mom may have been BPD though. Don't know for sure but its a suspicion I have.

I have always wondered just like you what would happened when her mom died. I felt she would be inconsolable. I feel like she probably will have a total meltdown but what her behavior will be because of a meltdown I don't know. I guess we'll find out now.

[enlighten me]

Hi hattrick

I will be very interested to find out how your ex copes. I have children with both my uBPD exs and do worry what the future holds for them. My ex wife even though remarried only has her mum for support. No real friends and her husband has some form of PD so isnt there for her.

My exgf idolises her mum. She makes friends quickly but doesnt have any real long term friends. She has other family but i get the feeling they are distancing themselves from her.

I suppose it will depend where they are in their lives. If they are with someone and if the kids still live at home.

One thing we will never know is if they reach out to us whether we are special to them or if we are just one of many that they reach out to.

[hattrick]

My exgf idolises her mum. She makes friends quickly but doesnt have any real long term friends. She has other family but i get the feeling they are distancing themselves from her.

My ex doesn't have long term friendships either. In the last 7-8 years she has had 3 different bffs. The first one is painted totally black and they don't talk at all. Although my ex bad mouths her anytime she gets the chance. The second one she distanced her self from blaming the friend for lots of problems in her life although they are FB friends last I knew. The third bff as far as I know they are still bffs. Im pretty sure my ex bad mouthed me to her after our b/u. This particular friend always liked me and even told me on several occasions that she was very happy my (ex)gf had a guy like me that loved her and took care of her. Then after the breakup she unfriended me off FB and acted like I was a leper. In between my ex also had another girlfriend she had gotten really close to, then one day out of the blue she ended that friendship (of course) blaming it all on the friend.

As far as family she has a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins. And you guessed it none of them seem to want much to do with her. In the 6 years we were together we went to one wedding for a cousin and the rest of the family functions she didn't seem to get invited to. Even when she would attempt to contact family members they wouldn't call her back.

At this point with her moms passing all she has is her 2 children which she seems to be enmeshing. She babies them Im guessing to try to keep them needing her forever so they wont abandon her. So its the kids, and my replacement (who knows how long that will last). Also she always keeps her ex-husband around for when she needs something from him. He's always wanted her back ever since she divorced him so hes always at her beconned call. I think he thinks eventually she will want to get back with him if he bends over backwards for her anytime she wants.