I think my wife has a mental disorder

[Goinginsanehusband]

I need to know that I'm not going crazy. I have been married to my wife for a little more than 11yrs. We have 4 children together. Back in February she left me for an old high school boyfriend, also an old friend of mine. I thought and still think she has some kind of mental disorder. Things didn't work out for her and she asked if she could come back home at the beginning of October. When she came back she was extremely affectionate and loving. This lasted about a week. She had told me all about her sexual encounters with other men throughout the years and wanted to tell me everything so there wouldn't be any secrets between us. I told her she really seemed different and believed her sincerity about wanting to come back into our home and work things out. Throughout the entire year she had abandoned both myself and our children (14,12,10, and 6). She claimed that she always missed the children but didn't ever take the time to see them. She is an alcoholic and turns violent when drunk. I have been attacked for looking at her wrong, been verbally abused and emotionally abused constantly for things that happened a decade ago. I have never cheated on her or have ever been abusive on anyway. She constantly blames me for her unhappiness. I go from being mr. Perfect to being dr. Evil in a heartbeat. It literally is like walking on eggshells with her. Everything is so black and white with her there is no reasoning with her. I'm very new to this and I dont know what else to say. I thought at one point she was bipolar but now BPD may be a better explanation. I feel like I'm going crazy living with this person. But I truly love her and always feel like it can and will get better but that hasn't been the case. There is SOO much more that I havnt said that makes me feel so crazy. Don't know where to go from here. Someone please reach out and help!

[ogopogodude]

Your kids are (and should be) your total focus from here on in... .  You are not crazy, ... .you are just going thru the confusion stage. 

Buy the book "walking on eggshells" by Randi Kreger and perhaps skip a few chapters to the stages of the BPD-supporting spouse (it lists the stages of what a loved one goes thru as they learn all about this affliction that their loved one has... .

Remember, you cannot cure or treat your spouse for what she has, ... nor can you convince her this is what she may have (or a form of it). 

Come to this site often. I did. There are certain members that give amazing advice, and they got me thru some pretty hard times.

[Somewhere]

Is Alanon available for you locally?

Alanon is for the Friends and Families of Alcoholics.

It is meant as help for YOU and the family.  Not so much for the A.  They have their own programs when or if they seek help for themselves.

And yes, many Alcoholics have underlying Mental Illnesses (like Borderline), and many folks with Mental Illnesses also have Alcohol and Addiction issues.

There may also be Alateen available for the kids.

Need information on Alanon and/or Alateen?

[michaelwriting]

There are certain keywords in your story that sound like BPD traits. For me, the BPD in my life has been like a Jeckyl/Hyde story. Over time, she became less Jeckyl and more Hyde. Now she is pretty much stuck on being a full-time monster that terrorizes everyone. On rare occasions, she seems to 'come up for air'. In these moments, I think I get to experience the 'real' person that she is, under all the layers of other stuff.

As others have said, one of the most helpful things in our situation is to begin taking care of ourselves. Programs like Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Codependents Anonymous, and similar groups have been helpful for me. Trying to 'fix' the BPD doesn't seem to work.

Unfortunately, my natural tendency is to center all my efforts and attention on the 'problem'. I try to manage the chaos, make the BPD change, reason with the BPD, and so on. Instead, it is better to focus on getting me and the other innocent people in my life to a healthy and secure place.

I did always feel like the whole thing was somehow MY fault. The ongoing story was always that 'I' am bad/defective and that 'she' is good/perfect. Somehow, I am always the villian, and she is always the hero of her story. And as the hero, she is never wrong and never has to apologize, ever.

I believed a lot of her lies and twisted sense of reality. It affected my own self-image and my own well-being. I felt there was something defective or wrong about me. My kids also believed a lot of the bad ways we were painted by the BPD. It took a while to get out of that. And I'm still not entirely out of it. But a lesson that I often have to relearn is that I cannot fix the BPD. I need to focus on me and my recovery from this broken situation. I need to surround myself with helpful and supportive people that can help me. I cannot afford to live in fear anymore.

I don't have it all figured out, but I hope and pray there might be something here of value to you. Many of us are here with you. Take care of yourself.

Mike

[vortex of confusion]

Even if she doesn't have a full blown mental disorder, there is still something not quite right and you are not crazy. You sound like I felt when I first found this site. I have 4 kids and have been married to my husband for 16.5 years. For years, I was focused on fixing myself and being better wife. I genuinely thought that I was the root of all of my husband's problems. If only I could find the magic formula, things would get better. Finding this site helped me realize that there is no magic formula and that it is very likely that my husband will never change.

I would recommend starting with the lessons that can be found on the right side of the different forums. On the undecided board, there are some good lessons about taking inventory, looking in the mirror, and embracing the realities of BPD. Also, check out the lessons on the staying board and the leaving board. I have found beneficial information in all of those places. I don't remember exactly when I found this site but it has been in the last six months. Some days, I am overwhelmed by the reality of it all. Some days, I think that I must be the one that is crazy. At least if I am the crazy one, then I can fix myself and make everything better. I know that is faulty thinking on my part and I have to work at keeping myself grounded in the reality of who and what my husband is.

Like others have said, focus on your kids. I have slowly been trying to shift the focus from my husband to my kids. Since I found this site, I am really seeing how my husband's behavior has impacted my kids in a negative manner. It isn't easy. I find that I bounce back and forth between the three boards because I sometimes feel flakier than a box of corn flakes. Some days, I feel like I have to find a way to make things work so that I can give my kids an in tact home. Other days, the thought of spending one more minute in the same house as my husband makes me want to puke.

Oh, and check out the information about FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).

Sending you a great big hug! 

[Goinginsanehusband]

I thank all of you for your comments. It definitely helps knowing that I am not alone in this crazy process