Do I say anything to my son?

[SadieO]

Help.  I am so so sad. Our son is going overseas with the military for a year.  He has volunteered.  He is leaving his dbwife, and three kids.  I think he is partially happy to be going so he can get away from his wife.    He never complains about her to us.  He won't talk at all.  

We are so intimidated by her.

We all march to our dil's marching orders.  It's absolutely sick.  She's covertly threatening us to "stay away from him" while he is in another country.  She has total and complete control over him, and our interactions with him.

I want to say something to my son about her threats and the way she treats me.  I never do because it would backfire.  But I feel like I'm losing my son and my sanity.

It feels as if he is distancing himself more and more from us.  I feel like we are losing him more than ever.  I am terrified.  Help.  What can I do? 

Maybe I'm the one going the "most" crazy.  Maybe if I was more sure of his love for me, I would not be crying my eyes out.  And that's what I'd like to tell him.  I just don't know how.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Sadie O,

It's stressful enough having your son heading off overseas but to have a BPD DIL makes things even harder.  I'm sorry your having to deal with both. 

My suggestion about talking with him about his wife is that it might be something to broach with him once he's been away for a little while and not so much under her influence.  He will hopefully come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) used by his wife to control him. Below is a link about FOG... .emotional blackmail.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

What types of threats is she making?  Can you describe a little more about what your relationship with her looks like?  Is your son aware of what is going on?  How has he reacted?  Are you able to have a relationship with your grandchildren?

I'd like to direct you to the [L5] Coping and Healing in a Family with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board there you will find other members in situations similar to yours.  I encourage you to post your story, ask questions and read others posts as well as the other resources on our site.

Please know that you are not alone although everyone on this site comes at BPD from different angles we all know where you are coming from.  You will be heard, you will be understood, you will be believed and you will be supported.

I'm glad you've found us and look forward to your voice being part of the group.



Panda

[SadieO]

Thank you, Panda, for the reply.  Excuse me; I'm feeling pretty, guilty, and ashamed; thinking about my part in driving our son away from home and into the arms of a literal "hysteric."  I am trying to face my demons.  Hoping that if I come clean with him and apologize for my mistakes, that he will forgive. To be specific, my husband was emotionally abusive with him, and I tried to protect him; leaning towards off-and-on emotional enmeshment I suppose.  I hate the the word emotional "incest."  But in reality, I suppose it was, because of the triangulation.  My h was occasionally physically abusive towards me as well. So it hasn't always been pretty.

It's been 7 years since our son left our home abruptly and got involved with his girlfriend and "pregnant."  My h and I have both corrected our ways, because of the affect of the obvious dysfunction.  However, we find it difficult to have any kind of open conversation with our son because our dil refuses to leave him alone with us.  And, he is emotionally closed off to us, for the most part.  When he goes on active duty, he will really be off limits. We refrain from writing anything potentially upsetting, so that he can be "on top of his game" so to speak.

As to her threats: Originally, she threatened me to "stay away from him, she is his wife, his friend, etc... "  That's history.  I am intimidated by her.  She tells me, "I am the alpha female in all situations."  She used to physically stand between my son and I.  She schedules all vacations, or family times, and gets angry if she does not get her way.  She has called and attacked me verbally.  She insults my husband and I.  She screams at her kids, and at our son.

She has gotten a little more controlled with her emotions, since my husband has put a firm boundary down, that she will not attack me.  She says she is afraid of him.  But she's not afraid of me.  I'm on the bottom of the pecking order.  I know all about FOG.

I know first-hand, the hot-n-cold of a bp.  I know what it's like to "go from the penthouse to the outhouse" in a nano-second.    I see our grandchildren getting jerked around, and it's horrible. I don't know how to talk to our son about any of it . . . but thank you for the suggestion to wait until he has been absent from the FOG for awhile.  

I've posted a few times before and appreciate the responses.  I hope things become more tolerable.  At times it looks like things are getting better, then it looks like hell again.  I will keep reading and reaching out.  Thank you.  

PS  I look at the recent FB posts of our family Christmas, and think, "What a nice family.  But it sucks, because I KNOW how much some of us are hurting.   

[SadieO]

   I have spent two days journaling, looking within myself.  I am looking at recent events that have bothered me greatly.  I want to be more comfortable, and not tied to the actions of my S and DIL.  For instance, this Christmas, my dil was "in charge" of scheduling our Christmas "together."  She announced that they were coming back to our state for Christmas.  We were immediately excited.  My husband sent my dil money to help for gas.  I started planning meals and inviting people over to visit while they were here.

Then my dil unexpectedly announce that if anyone wanted to see our son, who will be leaving soon, for active duty overseas, will have to come to them at her mother's house.  We were deflated, confused and hurt.     However, my parents, my husband and I did as she wished, and two days before Christmas, drove a distance of 65 miles to her mom's house to see them.  Our son came out to greet us.  But our dil, stayed on the couch, staying cool and keeping her distance from us.  We had a good time with the kids and our son.  ***Here is an observation.  In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable.  A little conversation would be nice.  Is this just his personality? Did they not want us there?

On Christmas day, my husband and I drove back to watch the kids open their presents.  When we walked in the door, our dil and her mother did not turn to greet us.  This is just rude.  It is not the first time.  I don't understand this either.  Do they not want us there, or is this their personality, or learned way of behaving.

****Notice that there are three people not overly enthusiastic that we are there, including my son.  Is he learning this behavior from his wife and mil? 

After opening presents, we go to a gathering of my dil and her mother's extended family.  WE ARE GREETED WARMLY!  They go out of their way to make us feel welcome!  At one point a family member made a joke about my dil's temper.  Everyone laughs, including my dil!  I think she is proud of her reputation.  That temper, and narcissistic personality that keeps me feeling smaller and smaller. 

When it was time to say our good-byes, my husband and I reached out to give our son a big warm hug.      Our son responded with a very luke-warm hug.  He even rolled his eyes when his dad encouraged him to hug me.  Both his dad and I cried on our drive home, and for days after.

This rudeness from my son stirred up my fear of abandonment and rejection!  It's my worst fear.  This is what we were left with to remember for a year.  Is it us?  How do I cope? 

I am reading through a book called The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection.  It's primarily about narcissism, but also covers codependency, BPD, etc...   A lot of things I read, unpleasantly, ring true in our situation.  I don't want to believe that my son is arrogant, or that he might care less about us.  How much have I contributed, and can I do anything to undo what has been done?

[Kwamina]

Hi SadieO

I would like to welcome you to the coping and healing board

Having to deal with someone who has BPD is often very difficult. I am glad you're reaching out for support and advice here and like Panda39 says, you aren't alone here. Many of our members will be able to relate to you.

In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable.  A little conversation would be nice.  Is this just his personality? Did they not want us there?

How was your son before he met her? Was he always this distant also when he still lived with you? You mentioned that your husband was emotionally and sometimes also physically abusive towards your son. You also mention your own role in his childhood and the mistakes you might have made. Admitting these kind of things isn't easy, but by doing so you've made the first step towards healing Do you feel like the abuse your son suffered during his childhood and also the emotional enmeshment could be a at least a partial explanation for why he seems to be so 'standoffish' with you?

I am reading through a book called The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection.  It's primarily about narcissism, but also covers codependency, BPD, etc...  A lot of things I read, unpleasantly, ring true in our situation.  I don't want to believe that my son is arrogant, or that he might care less about us.  How much have I contributed, and can I do anything to undo what has been done?

You can't undo what has been done but you can work on doing things differently from now on. To do that, it's important to first accept the reality of the past and how this has effected the present. I think it might help you to take a look at an article we have on here about 'reality acceptance':

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.

When it comes to talking to your son, I also suggest you take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this website:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Take care and I hope you'll find these resources helpful.

[SadieO]

Hello Kwamina,

Thank you for your comments. 

Hi SadieO

I would like to welcome you to the coping and healing board

Having to deal with someone who has BPD is often very difficult. I am glad you're reaching out for support and advice here and like Panda39 says, you aren't alone here. Many of our members will be able to relate to you.

In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable.  A little conversation would be nice.  Is this just his personality? Did they not want us there?

How was your son before he met her? Was he always this distant also when he still lived with you? You mentioned that your husband was emotionally and sometimes also physically abusive towards your son. You also mention your own role in his childhood and the mistakes you might have made. Admitting these kind of things isn't easy, but by doing so you've made the first step towards healing Do you feel like the abuse your son suffered during his childhood and also the emotional enmeshment could be a at least a partial explanation for why he seems to be so 'standoffish' with you?

I am reading through a book called The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection.  It's primarily about narcissism, but also covers codependency, BPD, etc...   A lot of things I read, unpleasantly, ring true in our situation.  I don't want to believe that my son is arrogant, or that he might care less about us.  How much have I contributed, and can I do anything to undo what has been done?

You can't undo what has been done but you can work on doing things differently from now on. To do that, it's important to first accept the reality of the past and how this has effected the present. I think it might help you to take a look at an article we have on here about 'reality acceptance':

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.

When it comes to talking to your son, I also suggest you take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this website:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Take care and I hope you'll find these resources helpful.

[Panda39]

***Here is an observation.  In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable.  A little conversation would be nice.  Is this just his personality?

When it was time to say our good-byes, my husband and I reached out to give our son a big warm hug.      Our son responded with a very luke-warm hug.  He even rolled his eyes when his dad encouraged him to hug me. 

My guess regarding the lukewarm greeting and farewell is that your son is "Walking on Eggshells" trying to keep the peace with his wife.  He can't show too much enthusiasm or he will trigger her fear of abandonment and she will start in on him.  You might want to take a look at the [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner Board to see what a BPD relationship can look like from the inside.  Or ask some of the folks on that board what kind of support they get or would like to get from their parents.

Did they not want us there?

On Christmas day, my husband and I drove back to watch the kids open their presents.  When we walked in the door, our dil and her mother did not turn to greet us.  This is just rude.  It is not the first time.  I don't understand this either.  Do they not want us there, or is this their personality, or learned way of behaving.

****Notice that there are three people not overly enthusiastic that we are there, including my son.  Is he learning this behavior from his wife and mil? 

 

It is my belief that you and your husband create abandonment fear in your DIL so she doesn't like having you around... .in her mind you might convince the son to leave.

It is possible DIL is badmouthing you/your husband to her mother and  her mom either believes it or she too is codependent and bullied into following the DIL's lead or she could be BPD as well who knows?

After opening presents, we go to a gathering of my dil and her mother's extended family.  WE ARE GREETED WARMLY!  They go out of their way to make us feel welcome!  At one point a family member made a joke about my dil's temper.

 

You have just met the healthier part of the family that recognize something isn't right with DIL.

This rudeness from my son stirred up my fear of abandonment and rejection!  It's my worst fear.  This is what we were left with to remember for a year.  Is it us?  How do I cope? 

You keep loving your son, you keep in touch with him, and always let him know that you are there for him... .keep communication open. 

I am coming at BPD from a different angle than you are, I'm here because my boyfriend has an uBPDxw. 

He was married 17 years... .was codependent 17 years... .was an enabler for 17 years... .was breadwinner 17 years... .was/is parent of 2 daughters for 18 years (and still going).  He took his marriage vows very seriously and did everything he could to make his marriage work in spite of all the problems, drama, and pain his wife caused him, his daughters, extended family and friends.  It took him 17 years, the death of his father (and a deathbed promise to leave her), his mother telling him she didn't know who the hell he was anymore, and a brief on-line emotional affair with someone from his past (a reminder that he was lovable) for him to finally see what an unhealthy relationship he was in... .the cherry on top was uBPDxw verbally abusing the older daughter.

I know you are struggling with your relationship with your son but don't give up on him and try to see where he is coming from.  Learn as much as you can about BPD, learn ways to better communicate with your DIL, get yourself and your husband some therapy to share your concerns and problem solve, keep coming here and ask questions.

I can see how very much you love your son, It is my belief that the more you educate yourself the more help you can be to him.

Take Care 

[SadieO]

Kwamina.  I read and responded to your questions, but somehow I lost everything I wrote.  I think because I don't know how to "quote" you.  I need to figure that out.

Anyway, I am listening and reading everything. 

Panda, you are right on several points: 1) He's walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace, 2) dil's fear of abandonment is sparked when we are around, 3) See[L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship w/a Borderline Partner Board to ask what kind of support they get or would like to get from their parents! 4) Gratitude for meeting the healthy side of the family, 5) Keep loving and learning.

Thank you both for your listening to me and responding.  I know that you are hearing me.  The advice is wonderful.  It really helps.

[P.F.Change]

I am trying to face my demons.  Hoping that if I come clean with him and apologize for my mistakes, that he will forgive.

Owning your behavior and offering your son a sincere apology for your part in the problems of his childhood would probably be much more helpful than pointing out flaws in his choice of a spouse. Are you able to apologize without making excuses or attaching expectations to how he should respond? Would you really mean it, whether or not he forgives you or wants to provide you with affection?

****Notice that there are three people not overly enthusiastic that we are there, including my son.  Is he learning this behavior from his wife and mil? 

... .

When it was time to say our good-byes, my husband and I reached out to give our son a big warm hug.      Our son responded with a very luke-warm hug.  He even rolled his eyes when his dad encouraged him to hug me.  Both his dad and I cried on our drive home, and for days after.

Is he behaving this way towards you because it makes things easier for him with his wife, because that's how she wants him to act? Possibly. Another possibility is that it has something to do with the emotional abuse you say he suffered from his father and the enmeshment/emotional incest (also emotional abuse) you say he suffered from you. I know I don't feel comfortable offering physical affection to my emotionally abusive parents. I care about them, but I do not want to hug them.

This rudeness from my son stirred up my fear of abandonment and rejection!  It's my worst fear.  This is what we were left with to remember for a year.  Is it us?  How do I cope? 

It sounds like it was a terribly painful experience for you. Have you considered working with a therapist to find ways to cope with your feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment? It can be really helpful to get professional support.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Kwamina]

Kwamina.  I read and responded to your questions, but somehow I lost everything I wrote.  I think because I don't know how to "quote" you.  I need to figure that out.

Anyway, I am listening and reading everything.  

That's ok We've all been there, I've also lost some posts that way back in the days  I hope you'll find the material useful.

[SadieO]

Hi PF,

I've been thinking, and need to add, that though we had some family dynamics that were not pretty, the four of us; my h, my s, my dil, and myself, took action to heal wounds together and separately.  We attended a Christian 8 step program called "Celebrate Recovery: Healing Hurts, Habits, and Hang ups.  We had an awesome accountability group!  We also sat down as a family and talked about where we went wrong, and where we were going.  Both my bdil see counselors. And, she and I talk occasionally about our progress in our extended family, and in our separate nuclear families. 

Within the above context, I did apologize to my son for my part in the dysfunction.  And though I have done so, I will explore the need to do so again if perhaps it wasn't really heard the first time. 

Anyway, I thought I would add that information to help complete our "Family History Picture."

PF.  I like to address a couple of your comments:

1st) "Owning your behavior and offering your son a sincere apology for your part in the problems of his childhood would probably be much more helpful than pointing out flaws in his choice of a spouse." (I agree) 

2nd) "Are you able to apologize without making excuses or attaching expectations to how he should respond? Would you really mean it, whether or not he forgives you or wants to provide you with affection?"

Yes, I am able to apologize without making excuses or attaching expectations.  Yes, if an apology is needed, it would be sincere regardless of his reaction.  I can't control whether or not he forgives me or provides me with affection. 

3rd) "It sounds like it was a terribly painful experience for you. Have you considered working with a therapist to find ways to cope with your feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment? It can be really helpful to get professional support."

I need to do that.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SadieO]

I've been thinking again, and reading.  I admitted to our family dysfunction online.  My reasoning was that I believe that transparency is essential in recovery. 

I think my h and I have made significant strides forward.  As parents, we realized that we let our issues escalate.  Now, if we ever get into a situation where our emotions are escalating, we walk away for awhile.  Our son and BPDil see this.  They know that we are sorry for letting thins get out of hand.  They know that we are on the same page (even so, I am going to reveal our past to a counselor, in hopes that it will help.  And see if there is anything I can do.)  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our struggles had an effect on our son, which is why he left home so early, and got tangled up in a mess with a dBPD.  For which, I am sorry. 

I've got to feel better.  Stronger.  More sure of myself.  I am besought with anxiety, grief, etc... I can't undo the past.  I can only change in the present.  I've got to forgive myself.

Our son has been reserved, cautious, and quiet for most of his life.  At work, they say he keeps his head down and does his job.  I see his negative side as well.  It's difficult to hold a conversation with him.  Even about the weather.  There are huge gaps in the conversation that I feel the need to fill in.  It's uncomfortable.  When he is relaxed, it's better.

I have to say, that good comes out of bad.  Even though ddil causes huge rifts, the positive is that she has taught us to lay everything on the table. She is pretty self-aware.  Even to the point of telling us that she doesn't want us around, because she is afraid that we will influence our son into leaving her.

Wish us luck.  Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Hi again SadieO

I've been thinking again, and reading.  I admitted to our family dysfunction online.  My reasoning was that I believe that transparency is essential in recovery.  

We can only heal the things we acknowledge so I think you're absolutely right when you say transparency is essential to recovery.

I think my h and I have made significant strides forward.  As parents, we realized that we let our issues escalate.  Now, if we ever get into a situation where our emotions are escalating, we walk away for awhile.  

Sounds like you've indeed made some huge progress Walking away or taking a step back is often a very good strategy to help defuse a situation and/or give yourself some space to determine how to move forward.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our struggles had an effect on our son, which is why he left home so early, and got tangled up in a mess with a dBPD.  For which, I am sorry.  

I've got to feel better.  Stronger.  More sure of myself.  I am besought with anxiety, grief, etc... I can't undo the past.  I can only change in the present.  I've got to forgive myself.

Accepting the reality of the past and how this has influenced the present can be difficult. But it is a crucial step to take if you want to move forward. By acknowledging reality as it really is and not denying it, you are giving yourself the opportunity to try and heal at least some of the wounds from the past.

Take care and good luck on your journey towards healing!

[SadieO]

I've just read the article, "Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest" again.  It's painful.  I know that is part of what happened.  I woke up this morning and started writing my thoughts down, in letter form, to my son.  Apologies.  I don't know what the final revision will look like, but I'm on my way.  There will be no way to communicate with him, except through written letter, while he is overseas - - I tend to think that will not be a good time to communicate something emotionally upsetting.

The enmeshment was not intentional.  It was a reaction.  However . . . Possibly it will help him release some of his anger that is caused by past hurt.

Family dynamics are passed down through the generations.  Even though I was fully aware of my family dynamics, and wanted to prevent them from being passed down to my progeny, it happened anyway.  In my family of origin, my mother was the raging alcoholic.  My father was away at work a lot of the time, and probably didn't know how much his only daughter was enduring.  He didn't mean for me to be hurt.  But, I was.  I didn't mean for my son to be hurt, but he was.

There is a lot of information and help out there for the children of dysfunctional families.  What about for parents, like myself and my husband, who want to make amends  with  their children?  And, go forward with a fresh start?

This all relates to BPD because, in my opinion, our son needs to be aware of his past hurt, in order to go forward, and better relate to his dBPDwf.  Which is challenging, in and of itself.    

[Kwamina]

I tend to think that will not be a good time to communicate something emotionally upsetting.

I think you're probably right about this. When he's overseas he'll have a lot of other stressors to deal with it. Even if he doesn't get to see this write away, writing this down can also be helpful in another way. It helps you get your story out and organize your thoughts and that can also help in your own healing.

Family dynamics are passed down through the generations.  Even though I was fully aware of my family dynamics, and wanted to prevent them from being passed down to my progeny, it happened anyway.  In my family of origin, my mother was the raging alcoholic.  My father was away at work a lot of the time, and probably didn't know how much his only daughter was enduring.  He didn't mean for me to be hurt.  But, I was.  I didn't mean for my son to be hurt, but he was.

It's unfortunate that this has happened, but at least you are able to see clearly what went on. This insight is very important as you start to heal.

There is a lot of information and help out there for the children of dysfunctional families.  What about for parents, like myself and my husband, who want to make amends  with  their children?  And, go forward with a fresh start?

I understand where you're coming from here. What kind of information are you looking for specifically? Are you primarily looking for resources that can help you make amends with your son and/or help you acknowledge and accept your own role in the dysfunction?

Based on how you describe your own childhood, I would say that you yourself are also a one of the children that has come out of a dysfunctional family. In that sense, many of our resources here also apply directly to you. Do you feel like you've been able to accept the reality of your own childhood and how this has impacted you?

Many of the members on this message board were raised by parents in what can be described as a dysfunctional environment. This greatly affects children. It has affected your son, but you yourself will probably also have been affected by your own parents' behavior. Children raised in such an environment often learn various forms of unhealthy behavior from their parents. They also often develop coping mechanisms that might have been helpful back then but are unhealthy in the long-run.

On here we call the learned unhealthy behaviors fleas (). Fortunately, through hard work like you're doing right now, these unhealthy behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed. You clearly state in your post how you was hurt as a child and how your family dynamics were passed down through you. The enmeshment is something you've come to realize is problematic. Are/Were there also other learned behaviors of yours that you would describe as unhealthy or damaging to your son, yourself or other members of your family?

[Skip]

Maybe I'm the one going the "most" crazy.  Maybe if I was more sure of his love for me, I would not be crying my eyes out.  And that's what I'd like to tell him.  I just don't know how.

How is this going?

[SadieO]

  Our son has been overseas and away from his family for 4 months now.  Quite a challenge for his wife and children.  I have been excited about the growth that our entire family is experiencing.  I'm so happy to say that our son has contacted us and sounds better than ever.  I am once again confident in his love for us. It is so obvious to me now that I've struggled with my pain; and then stepped back to see with clear eyes.  I am praising God for this. 

[jdtm]

In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable. 

So reminded me of the actions of our son.  What, I believe, you saw was shame - he was so ashamed of how his family was being treated.  We have been there and come "out on the other side". 

[lbjnltx]

Hi SadieO,

I'm so happy to hear that your family is moving forward from the past in a positive way.

After reading through this thread it's heartening to see how you took responsibility, took positive action, kept the focus on yourself and the power you have to make positive change in all your relationships.  You didn't get derailed by focusing on blame and you used your pain as a motivator.  This is awesome!

Did you send the letter you wrote to your son or some version of it?

How is the dil coping with your son's absence?  What is your relationship like w/her at this time?  

I'm sure it would mean a lot to your son if he knew you were able to be there for his wife and kids, supporting them and leaning on one another in his absence.  

I look forward to learning more about your experiences and path to healing.



lbjnltx

[SadieO]

I have an update.     My son has called us twice since his deployment 3 months ago.  The last call was to wish me a happy Mother's Day.  We talked for over an hour.  I was a fun, easy conversation.  THIS is the person I used to know!

I really think, being away from his BPDwf frees him up to be happy and spontaneous! 

I have been very happy since his phone call.  I'm so sure that he loves my husband and I.  I think that he is scared to express himself around his BPDwf.

Ironically, she knows he called.  The irony is it can't just stay good - - she called me and chastised me for something that I did wrong.  It's irrelevant what the criticism is; it's just another assault in the Villification, or Distortion Campaign.  She stole my joy, again.  That's what she does.

[SadieO]

Hi SadieO,

I'm so happy to hear that your family is moving forward from the past in a positive way.

After reading through this thread it's heartening to see how you took responsibility, took positive action, kept the focus on yourself and the power you have to make positive change in all your relationships.  You didn't get derailed by focusing on blame and you used your pain as a motivator.  This is awesome!

Did you send the letter you wrote to your son or some version of it?

How is the dil coping with your son's absence?  What is your relationship like w/her at this time?  

I'm sure it would mean a lot to your son if he knew you were able to be there for his wife and kids, supporting them and leaning on one another in his absence.  

I look forward to learning more about your experiences and path to healing.



lbjnltx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SadieO]

lbjntx,

Hello,  I am having so much trouble quoting someone.  Making quite a mess of it.  Sorry.

":)id you send the letter you wrote to your son or some version of it?

I wrote a letter, that I never sent.  Then I sent bits and pieces of the letter that were affirming and positive in emails.  No criticism of him, nor his wife.  In fact.  I praised both of them for various things.  I told him that I was sure of his love for us, and gave specifics.  And, as usual, I told him how much we loved him and admired him.  I affirmed him of the mutual love between he and his wife, and children.

"How is the dil coping with your son's absence?  What is your relationship like w/her at this time?"

She is doing better than I thought she would.  They both have days that they really miss each other.  They are able to talk to each other once a week.

"I'm sure it would mean a lot to your son if he knew you were able to be there for his wife and kids, supporting them and leaning on one another in his absence."

Yes, I think he appreciates our support of his family.

Thank you for your support.

Sadie  

[SadieO]

 "What is your relationship like w/her at this time?"  

This is a good question.  At first it was good.  My dil was being strong for her husband and kids.  She was reaching out to us, offering support, concerned with how we were dealing with our son's deployment.  She sent us a deployment box with things in it, like his picture.  And, a ":)eployment Journal for Parents."  She and I were talking, sharing our experience on a mature, adult to adult level.

3 months into the deployment, my BPDil is starting to "go dark" as I sometimes describe her mood.  Perhaps she is not coping as well as I thought.  She called me recently, to criticize me.  So at this point, we are not doing well.

She and the power she wields, scares me.  Her darkness scares me.  Her criticisms of me hurt.

Sadie  

[SadieO]

"In general, our son is quiet, but pleasant. Though he is pleasant, the "distance" he keeps from us is uncomfortable. "  (Sadie)

"So reminded me of the actions of our son.  What, I believe, you saw was shame - he was so ashamed of how his family was being treated.  We have been there and come "out on the other side". 

I have seen this!  The shame of how his wife was acting, treating the kids, him, and us. I'm so glad that you have come out on the other side.  That is encouraging.

Another thing I've seen our son do, besides calming her, is to be the adult.  I remember the time she was belittling my husband and I.  He said, "Honey, you have to respect people."  And she quit.

Sadie

[SadieO]

Kwamina

"I think you're probably right about this. When he's overseas he'll have a lot of other stressors to deal with it. Even if he doesn't get to see this write away, writing this down can also be helpful in another way. It helps you get your story out and organize your thoughts and that can also help in your own healing." Kwamina

Yep, exactly.

"I understand where you're coming from here. What kind of information are you looking for specifically? Are you primarily looking for resources that can help you make amends with your son and/or help you acknowledge and accept your own role in the dysfunction?" Kwamina

I have been reading a good book called "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman that helps with making amends, etc... .  It's a fantastic resource.  The other thing that I've been working through is "Praying for your Adult Children" by Stormie Omartian.  First step is to work through forgiveness, of yourself, and for your adult child.  From then on, specific scriptural prayers for your adult children get's your head out of your own "----"  (Sadie)

" Do you feel like you've been able to accept the reality of your own childhood and how this has impacted you?"  Kwamina

Absolutely!  Have done tons of work here.

"On here we call the learned unhealthy behaviors fleas ()." Kwamina

Now that's clever     

Are/Were there also other learned behaviors of yours that you would describe as unhealthy or damaging to your son, yourself or other members of your family?" Kwamina

Something to think about.  Unhealthy reactions to criticism and rejection = anxiety, self-deprication. (Sadie)

Thanks for the food for thought.   

[SadieO]

I routinely keep a journal.  In this journal, I am presently recording the correspondence between our son and myself.  I intend to copy that to the ":)eployment Journal for Parents" that my dil sent us.  It helps to look back at those interactions.  Even if they are only a text!  I feel fortunate and blessed that our son feels the freedom to correspond, and obviously wants to communicate.  That freedom is curtailed when he is with his bpwf.  This deployment is a blessing.  I thank God for all the growth, and opportunity to communicate.     When the situation changes, and doubts flare, I can look back, and remind myself of what the Truth really is.  

One of the things I wrote him is the love that I see between him and my husband, and that it makes me so happy.  Though I am the "writer" in the family, my husband adds notes.  And, he is very generous with his affirmations, hugs, and "I love you, Son" declarations. 

My husband and I have sent one care package, and are getting ready to send another. We let him know in every way, that we not only love him, but also support him in his decisions concerning his family.  I can just "feel" this coming back to us through the written word.  I feel so fortunate and grateful right now.   

[SadieO]

  Oh, I need to add - - Whenever possible, I affirm and encourage my dil of my son's love for her.  When I see my son showing affection towards her, I can genuinely smile and feel the warmth knowing that he really adores her and is passionate about her. 

I hope that it helps reduce her insecurities.  Her level of trust that he loves her and has no intention of leaving her has increased over the years. 

I'm not saying that all is perfect.  Just acknowledging the positive. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again SadieO!

Thanks for this update. I am very happy for you that you had such a nice conversation with your son

The situation with your DIL still poses certain challenges but I am glad that you are able to acknowledge the positive things. This can really help keep your own mood more stable.

Thanks for the food for thought.  

You're welcome!

[whiplashed_mom]

My son was not abused and is acting the same way.

You are getting good and hope filled advice. I'm glad to read it, too.

[SadieO]

Thanks so much for the encouragement!  It is nice to step back and see what our relationship with our son is like, when the pwBPD is, more or less, out of the picture.  And it looks pretty healthy, I'm happy to say.

Allow me to elaborate on my statement, Dil is "more or less out of the picture;" she still tries to exert control over us, in every way she can. What we can say to him, or not.  What we can send him, or can't.  I can tell that she is a little scared of us having a relationship with our son.

I'm thinking about starting a new thread.  Is that what I need to do at this point?  I REALLY need to address what happens to my emotional health when our BPDil criticizes me, belittles me, controls me, vilifies me, etc... .  I stated in an earlier post, that she starts to go "dark."  And when she does, I get smaller and smaller, more and more frightened.  Very similar to living in the angry, alcoholic home of my youth.  I can't live my life trying to please her at all costs. 

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.  :'(