24 hours NC, I know she will be back but I'm struggling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yesterday I started NC, not to remove her from my life but to protect myself right now. I found out a number of disturbing facts yesterday that set off a range of emotions.

Right now, I'm upset, hurt and angry along with with a whole host of other emotions that are tearing me up inside. Her last text to me yesterday was that she was off to work and would call me in the evening when she finished. I don't even know if she tried as I blocked her number and FB too.

The reason being, throughout the entire r/s I have always tried to be good to her. Offered safety and stability and never once raised my voice to her. There have been a few times I've called her out on her antics but remained calm and neutral through those times, despite feeling annoyed inside.

So, 24 hours in and I feel an incredible amount of pain, not just for me but for her too. I just want to reach out and let her know everything is going to be ok but I also know she has no belief in herself, so why would she believe me?

A couple of months ago I bought her a car. Her old one died and she was devastated. Given her financial situation and financial history, she couldn't afford to get a new one. So I offered on the basis she pay me back. She had a similar arrangement with the guy she got her last car from and him and his wife were always chasing her for the money because she fails to make timely payments on anything and then shows anger towards them for not leaving her alone. She was adamant about going to a loan shark for the money which is why I stepped in and bought it instead. That way she could pay me back and not have to worry about someone being on her case.

She has had her gas/electricity cut off many times for non payment, same with TV too, had her car insurance cancelled for non payment, not paid taxes, been in trouble over benefits, often can't afford food for her and her daughter, overspent on one daughter at Christmas then got very little for the other which led to daughter walking out at Christmas after gf told her what she wanted to get her at the same time as showing what she bought herself.

The hard part about the latter is that I took care of all her bills in November, even taxed and insured her car so that she would have the money to sort out what she wanted to get her kids. Only for her to spend it on herself, dresses, shoes, a bag, new TV stand, coffee table etc...

The one thing she has always been adamant on though is paying me back for the car, despite not making a single payment towards it. In terms of being concerned, I'm not that concerned about it but I know it eats away at her. I got her new car insurance too, given she had points for driving without insurance and drink driving, had already been banned once which limited her job prospects.

I don't begrudge anything I've done and I know she has carried guilt around about it. I've explained to her that if I do something to help her out, especially when I'm the one that has offered. I can't possibly hold her responsible for my own actions so she shouldn't carry around any guilt around that. So to that degree, I can quite happily write the car off as just doing a good deed to help someone in trouble.

However, I know that the car plays heavily on her mind and she is determined to pay me back for it. I know how she will find a way to break NC. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow which I know will help but this NC is tearing me up inside. I just fear that if I do, anger will surface somewhere in there and I don't want to do that to her.

[Ripped Heart]

Yesterday I started NC, not to remove her from my life but to protect myself right now. I found out a number of disturbing facts yesterday that set off a range of emotions.

Right now, I'm upset, hurt and angry along with with a whole host of other emotions that are tearing me up inside. Her last text to me yesterday was that she was off to work and would call me in the evening when she finished. I don't even know if she tried as I blocked her number and FB too.

The reason being, throughout the entire r/s I have always tried to be good to her. Offered safety and stability and never once raised my voice to her. There have been a few times I've called her out on her antics but remained calm and neutral through those times, despite feeling annoyed inside.

So, 24 hours in and I feel an incredible amount of pain, not just for me but for her too. I just want to reach out and let her know everything is going to be ok but I also know she has no belief in herself, so why would she believe me?

A couple of months ago I bought her a car. Her old one died and she was devastated. Given her financial situation and financial history, she couldn't afford to get a new one. So I offered on the basis she pay me back. She had a similar arrangement with the guy she got her last car from and him and his wife were always chasing her for the money because she fails to make timely payments on anything and then shows anger towards them for not leaving her alone. She was adamant about going to a loan shark for the money which is why I stepped in and bought it instead. That way she could pay me back and not have to worry about someone being on her case.

She has had her gas/electricity cut off many times for non payment, same with TV too, had her car insurance cancelled for non payment, not paid taxes, been in trouble over benefits, often can't afford food for her and her daughter, overspent on one daughter at Christmas then got very little for the other which led to daughter walking out at Christmas after gf told her what she wanted to get her at the same time as showing what she bought herself.

The hard part about the latter is that I took care of all her bills in November, even taxed and insured her car so that she would have the money to sort out what she wanted to get her kids. Only for her to spend it on herself, dresses, shoes, a bag, new TV stand, coffee table etc...

The one thing she has always been adamant on though is paying me back for the car, despite not making a single payment towards it. In terms of being concerned, I'm not that concerned about it but I know it eats away at her. I got her new car insurance too, given she had points for driving without insurance and drink driving, had already been banned once which limited her job prospects.

I don't begrudge anything I've done and I know she has carried guilt around about it. I've explained to her that if I do something to help her out, especially when I'm the one that has offered. I can't possibly hold her responsible for my own actions so she shouldn't carry around any guilt around that. So to that degree, I can quite happily write the car off as just doing a good deed to help someone in trouble.

However, I know that the car plays heavily on her mind and she is determined to pay me back for it. I know how she will find a way to break NC. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow which I know will help but this NC is tearing me up inside. I just fear that if I do, anger will surface somewhere in there and I don't want to do that to her.

[patientandclear]

Ripped, you seem to be burying your own emotions and reactions to the information you found in her email, about her apparent infidelity.

That is showing up in this post as you worrying you will hurt her by showing anger.

You don't want to lose her, it sounds like, and you know that she will react to any displeasure on your part by withdrawing or hurting you further, so you are stuffing your own completely legitimate feelings.

You started the NC. Yet you are reassuring yourself that SHE will be back. Why is there no question about whether you will be back?

[Ripped Heart]

So tonight I caved and sent her a text message:

"xxxx, could you please give me a call tonight after you finish work? Just want to talk to you and sort some things out. I really want to understand what you are thinking and feeling right now. If it's a break from things, I do understand and will respect your wishes. If it's over between us, I will respect that too but want to sort out how I return your things as well as picking up the keys to my appartment. If we can work through things, I want us to be able to communicate so we both know where we stand. Please give me a call tonight so I can try and understand what is is you are feeling right now.

I love you with all my heart and care so much about you. I just want you to be happy and want to know what will give you that happiness. Love always RH XX"

Not sure if it was the right thing to do, but right now I'm just at a loss for answers as to what is going on.

Patientandclear - At the moment my insides are just an emotional soup that hurt so much to think about. I will start to unraveling process over the next couple of days. Appointment with T tomorrow which will help. Had a friend offer to come over last night but I couldn't face any company right now so he will be coming over later in the week.

You are right, I don't want to lose her and have accepted throughout our r/s that much of this the disorder and not her. Unlike some of the others on this site, the good times outnumber the bad but when the bad come, they are intense and soul destroying.

In terms of not showing anger, this is where I struggle. I'm not an angry person and approach everything from a logical perspective so here is where I struggle. What I'm angry at is the disorder, not necessarily her. It's not like she hid the disorder from me, in fact was quite the opposite and very open about it. However, since the disorder is inside someone, it's much harder to display anger towards the disorder without it affecting the other person. So in that sense I don't want to hurt her in any way, I haven't throughout the r/s so I don't want to start now. Instead, I use the gym to vent those frustrations and see a T to explore my feelings.

In answer to your question though, at this moment in time all I can do is keep moving forward and working on myself. Who knows where I'll be in myself in the next few months? All I do know is where I would like to be 

[Ripped Heart]

So I got a response back to my text, it's a little tough, mixed signals

"Hey you,

Been trying to compose something for the past couple of days. Found it impossible because I feel resentful towards you one minute and then remember all the kind things you have done for me and I struggle. I don't know where these feelings come from or why and I've said some very nasty things to you in the past because I wanted to provoke you into being angry at me. It's unfair on you because I don't have any control, it just happens and each time I feel worse because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.

You are the nicest guy on the planet but I don't know if you could be mine. I don't deserve the things you have done for me after how I've treated you. I can't call you right now, because I don't think I can speak right now it's too upsetting, I just feel so empty and numb. The worst thing in the world is that I would hate for you to hate me, I'm so sorry. I need to spend some time alone for now. I know you would do anything for me, that's the crazy part, I don't deserve to have someone as loving and kind in my life. Because you are such a great person and I want you to know, you have done nothing wrong xx"

So I get from this that her primary fear is that I would hate her. That much of the running away and isolation is around the fact she isn't feeling deserving (maybe because of recent events).

There is a bit of closure here but not much to go on. In terms of returning things, no mention of that which given what I've read on the site, it's also leaving a door open because doing that would be closure and finality which would ultimately push her over the top.

She wants to hate me, but can't find anything to hate me for. She tried the I was having an affair with my ex thing before simply because I have good communication with d14's mother. So to combat that fear, I would take her with me so she could monitor the exchange and see that nothing sinister was going on. In truth, I've done my best, haven't always been perfect but I've held my hands up when I've been in the wrong (as well as times when I've been in the right)

In terms of what I asked from her about being able to communicate as to where we both stand, she has answered that but hasn't given any mention about returning things.

Then again, this is where I start to feel bad because I feel I'm putting her on the spot so should be thankful for the response I got.

[FoolishMan]

So I got a response back to my text, it's a little tough, mixed signals

"Hey you,

Been trying to compose something for the past couple of days. Found it impossible because I feel resentful towards you one minute and then remember all the kind things you have done for me and I struggle. I don't know where these feelings come from or why and I've said some very nasty things to you in the past because I wanted to provoke you into being angry at me. It's unfair on you because I don't have any control, it just happens and each time I feel worse because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.

You are the nicest guy on the planet but I don't know if you could be mine. I don't deserve the things you have done for me after how I've treated you. I can't call you right now, because I don't think I can speak right now it's too upsetting, I just feel so empty and numb. The worst thing in the world is that I would hate for you to hate me, I'm so sorry. I need to spend some time alone for now. I know you would do anything for me, that's the crazy part, I don't deserve to have someone as loving and kind in my life. Because you are such a great person and I want you to know, you have done nothing wrong xx"

So I get from this that her primary fear is that I would hate her. That much of the running away and isolation is around the fact she isn't feeling deserving (maybe because of recent events).

There is a bit of closure here but not much to go on. In terms of returning things, no mention of that which given what I've read on the site, it's also leaving a door open because doing that would be closure and finality which would ultimately push her over the top.

She wants to hate me, but can't find anything to hate me for. She tried the I was having an affair with my ex thing before simply because I have good communication with d14's mother. So to combat that fear, I would take her with me so she could monitor the exchange and see that nothing sinister was going on. In truth, I've done my best, haven't always been perfect but I've held my hands up when I've been in the wrong (as well as times when I've been in the right)

In terms of what I asked from her about being able to communicate as to where we both stand, she has answered that but hasn't given any mention about returning things.

Then again, this is where I start to feel bad because I feel I'm putting her on the spot so should be thankful for the response I got.

I had a message like that too. I caught her cheating the same night. I hope this all works out for you, I have been exact where you are.

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks FoolishMan,

I have no doubt that is what she is referring to when she says about being alone, given the circumstances that unfolded this week.

When I was married to exBPD/NPDw, it was a constant war zone and sometimes my frustrations bioled over, especially when pinned against a wall with her screaming in my face. If I so much as argued back, she would turn the tables quickly and I would be the "abusive" husband. It's completely against my nature and my character and I could count on 1 hand the amount of times I raised my voice to her. As far as physical abuse, I never lifted a finger to her instead, was on the receiving end. I learned a lot about myself during my marriage and was eventually able to break free.

2 years later and I end up in a r/s with a pwBPD again but this time very different. She isn't angry or abusive, though nasty comments here and there out of the blue often followed up an hour or so later with an apology. Because of her honesty at the start and because of my previous marriage, I think I was far more tolerant this time around and what I learned is that no matter the approach, the disorder always wins in the end.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Ripped Heart,

I am not familiar with your backstory, but I have received identical texts from my bf about him not deserving me and not wanting me to hate him etc.  That all had to do with his  self-loathing/shame. Similar to your pwBPD, he asked me for space.  His meaning of space is synonymous with avoidance.  He will avoid or run away from anything that could/can upset him further.  

When she tells you that you have done nothing wrong, she is telling you this to reassure you. She truly believes she is responsible.  As you know, it is hard for pwBPD to take responsibility.

Discussing feelings/emotions or "serious" topics when a pwBPD is dysregulating can be a disaster. I tried to do that, even with SET, most of the time it ended up unpleasant.  

I found the best thing for me was to give him some space and then discuss things slowly when he was more in control of his emotions/feelings.  

[FoolishMan]

Many thanks FoolishMan,

I have no doubt that is what she is referring to when she says about being alone, given the circumstances that unfolded this week.

When I was married to exBPD/NPDw, it was a constant war zone and sometimes my frustrations bioled over, especially when pinned against a wall with her screaming in my face. If I so much as argued back, she would turn the tables quickly and I would be the "abusive" husband. It's completely against my nature and my character and I could count on 1 hand the amount of times I raised my voice to her. As far as physical abuse, I never lifted a finger to her instead, was on the receiving end. I learned a lot about myself during my marriage and was eventually able to break free.

2 years later and I end up in a r/s with a pwBPD again but this time very different. She isn't angry or abusive, though nasty comments here and there out of the blue often followed up an hour or so later with an apology. Because of her honesty at the start and because of my previous marriage, I think I was far more tolerant this time around and what I learned is that no matter the approach, the disorder always wins in the end.

That you have been through this before means that you will survive this. My thoughts are with you at this time, be good to yourself this time and break free from the cycle of abuse. Your posts take me back to a very traumatic time (this time last year)

[Ripped Heart]

Eagles, many thanks for your advice. That's the part I struggle with because she does have limited self awareness and I know where some of the shame has come from this month, though I haven't said anything to her about knowing.

When you talk about space, how much space and time did your bf usually require?

[Ripped Heart]

I think I started an avalanche tonight when I sent the text. Just been through the following text conversation:

Her - "I'm going to sleep now, sorry again xx"

Her - "I haven't forgot about the car, and want to pay you the money back. Don't think I won't, because I made you a promise xx"

Me - "It's ok about the car, I made you a promise too that I wouldn't be on your case about the money and I won't do. In terms of other things, such as your clothes and stuff here, along with my keys at yours. What is happening around that? Is this the end or are we taking a break? xx"

Her - "I think it might be the end? xx" (it's something I pick up on in her text messages, whenever she is unsure of something she always uses? and the number varies depending on how unsure of something she is)

Her - "Sorry, I'm finding it all so difficult right now, don't know what to think. I promise I will speak to you soon xx"

Me - "I'm really sorry you are finding things so difficult, it can't be easy for you right now. I promise I won't interfere and give you all the space you need. I love you and I'm always here whenever you need to talk"

Her - "Night night, sweet dreams xx"

[EaglesJuju]

When you talk about space, how much space and time did your bf usually require?

It depends on what we were/are having difficulties with.

He needed 2,000 miles of space four months ago.  For the first two and a half months he needed more space.  He stated he needed more space because, he told me he got upset every time we talked.  His conversations about needing space fluctuated.  Sometimes space meant not talking about things that could upset him (feelings/emotions) or just not talking to me. I would not contact him for a few days, then send a simple text to let him know that I was still there for him. Usually by his response I could tell if he was dysregulating or not.  I would see where the conversation could go from there.  

I went no contact for approximately two weeks. This was the longest I ever was without contact in the five years we knew each other.  It was so hard for me but, I needed to do it to heal myself.  He eventually ended up calling me.  

I have found that texts seem to work better than calling him when he is in a heightened state.  

When he was here, it was different because we lived together.  His space would last two days.  I would get the silent treatment with the occasional rage projection.    

[patientandclear]

Patientandclear - At the moment my insides are just an emotional soup that hurt so much to think about. I will start to unraveling process over the next couple of days. Appointment with T tomorrow which will help. Had a friend offer to come over last night but I couldn't face any company right now so he will be coming over later in the week.

You are right, I don't want to lose her and have accepted throughout our r/s that much of this the disorder and not her. Unlike some of the others on this site, the good times outnumber the bad but when the bad come, they are intense and soul destroying.

In terms of not showing anger, this is where I struggle. I'm not an angry person and approach everything from a logical perspective so here is where I struggle. What I'm angry at is the disorder, not necessarily her. It's not like she hid the disorder from me, in fact was quite the opposite and very open about it. However, since the disorder is inside someone, it's much harder to display anger towards the disorder without it affecting the other person. So in that sense I don't want to hurt her in any way, I haven't throughout the r/s so I don't want to start now. Instead, I use the gym to vent those frustrations and see a T to explore my feelings.

In answer to your question though, at this moment in time all I can do is keep moving forward and working on myself. Who knows where I'll be in myself in the next few months? All I do know is where I would like to be 

Ripped ... .just,  .  I completely get this feeling that your insides are like pea soup and it's too painful to fully sort it all out.

I do want to keep flagging that your inquiry to her is all about what she wants and what she has decided.  What about what you want and what you will decide?  What you learned hurt you a lot.  I can see that is really hard to reckon with right now.  But please, don't communicate to her that the only issue is whether she wants to remain in the r/s.  There are other issues.  She has betrayed your trust and it matters that it hurt you.

 

[Ripped Heart]

Patientandclear - Picture the scene, I'm in the therapists office and we are making good progress, talking through the texts of last night and trying to gather some perspective as well as looking at my coping mechanisms and all the indicators you mention below. We discussed how it always seems to be about her, why that is and how that pattern has occurred through previous relationships with my exgf, exN/BPDw and even with my own mother. We started to touch on manipulation and abuse and how that makes me feel. Things were going well and then I received a text which reduced me completely to tears:

"Hey, really sorry to bother you. My friend Helen has the same problem with her tablet that I had. Where was it you went to resolve my issue? xx"

I told T I felt some sense of relief in terms of validating my own thoughts about the issue being me. I was also in the right place with the right person to get that validation too. I also felt angry because given the final texts of last night, it's like today is a new day so none of that matters any more. She needs something from me so contacts me, I ask for a bit of clarity from her and get nothing. I also feel a great sense of pain around this because it really is a madness roundabout.

I've spoken on other posts about curve balls. Usually they come when everything is good just to add disruption but now I see they also come in the middle of disruption and cause just as much pain. I let go of a lot of pain today in T's office and followed up with a sense of relief too and we have started to identify all the patterns from my previous relationships and also around my mother too. There is more manipulation going on that initially suspected and today the blinkers started to come off.

I'm just now at a loss on how best I answer this.

[patientandclear]

 I am so glad you have that T. This is brave (and hard and scary) work.

You're in a very tender and vulnerable place and it's going to take a while to trust your re-coding skills and become less susceptible to manipulation. So just ... .Be very very patient with yourself.

But also remember that the fact that it's painful is NOT a signal that doing this thinking is wrong. It unfortunately has to be painful, because your feelings for her are sincere.

Will be looking for your posts.