and away we go ... again.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First off, I have to say that I could save a tremendous amount of time if I would just "cut and paste" from a few posts, but of course I know that isn't the point. For some reason I am still in sheer awe every day when reading these boards and they are all so very similar! Strength in numbers right!

... .So after 11 day NC (except for the "I'm contacting my atty... ." text) I received It. The text I knew was coming, the "I still love you/sorry for hurting you" text! Of course she threw in that she hadn't seen any of my efforts and I was putting pressure on her etc... .then she lavished me with the complements of love blah, blah, blah... .same old story.

Yes, I caved but sent a simple "I love you too and yes I agree we should work on our relationship... .". You all know how the rest plays out... .

My question is this:

Do I lay it all out there? Have her (acknowledge the BPD/NPD/HPD/ alcoholism) and try to get her to step up? Without her getting specific help for this its a no go!  If so, how would I measure the results? Can you measure the results?

I want what I think is my wife back, BUT I FLAT OUT REFUSE to be treated and tossed aside anymore!

How should I respond to her texts?

I am at an "ok" not great, but just "ok" place for the moment and I do feel much better knowing that I am one step ahead of her!

The ball is in my court and its my serve!

... .so any advise is greatly appreciated!

[mallard3868]

First off, I have to say that I could save a tremendous amount of time if I would just "cut and paste" from a few posts, but of course I know that isn't the point. For some reason I am still in sheer awe every day when reading these boards and they are all so very similar! Strength in numbers right!

... .So after 11 day NC (except for the "I'm contacting my atty... ." text) I received It. The text I knew was coming, the "I still love you/sorry for hurting you" text! Of course she threw in that she hadn't seen any of my efforts and I was putting pressure on her etc... .then she lavished me with the complements of love blah, blah, blah... .same old story.

Yes, I caved but sent a simple "I love you too and yes I agree we should work on our relationship... .". You all know how the rest plays out... .

My question is this:

Do I lay it all out there? Have her (acknowledge the BPD/NPD/HPD/ alcoholism) and try to get her to step up? Without her getting specific help for this its a no go!  If so, how would I measure the results? Can you measure the results?

I want what I think is my wife back, BUT I FLAT OUT REFUSE to be treated and tossed aside anymore!

How should I respond to her texts?

I am at an "ok" not great, but just "ok" place for the moment and I do feel much better knowing that I am one step ahead of her!

The ball is in my court and its my serve!

... .so any advise is greatly appreciated!

[going places]

My question is this:

Do I lay it all out there? Have her (acknowledge the BPD/NPD/HPD/ alcoholism) and try to get her to step up?

You can try, with the expectation that it will be (a) temporary (b) met with rage (c) you will be blamed, and the verbal abuse will be of epic preportion.

Without her getting specific help for this its a no go!  If so, how would I measure the results? Can you measure the results?

Good.

You have made a clear boundary.

No help / counseling / meds... .NO relationship.

Measuring results would have to come from a trained professional, letting you know exactly WHAT progress looks like. Not what Aunt Betty thinks, or what worked for the neighbor, but from the trained professional that is helping your mate.

I want what I think is my wife back, BUT I FLAT OUT REFUSE to be treated and tossed aside anymore!

How should I respond to her texts?

Sit down and write out exactly what has to happen in order for you to attempt to salvage the marriage.

No emotions. Just logically what has to happen.

If she agrees, then great... .but the second she breaks that agreement, you have to be ready to walk.

I am at an "ok" not great, but just "ok" place for the moment and I do feel much better knowing that I am one step ahead of her!

The ball is in my court and its my serve!

... .so any advise is greatly appreciated!

Clear Boundaries. Professional help.

If your well spelled out boundaries are crossed... .walk, no run.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Mallard,

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.  As you already said there are many of us that are going through similar situations.

Do I lay it all out there? Have her (acknowledge the BPD/NPD/HPD/ alcoholism) and try to get her to step up?

This is going to be a lot for her, especially if you are bringing up all these issues.  One is tough but, bringing up four issues is going to be a lot for her to handle.  Would you consider bringing up one of the issues at this time?  

Another thing to consider is that she might be in a heightened emotional state. Discussing something this serious while she is dysregulating, will add fuel to the fire.

It is very hard for a disordered person or a person who is having a substance abuse problem to admit they have a problem.  Has she talked about this before with you?  

Prior to discussing anything with her, I would suggest reading and learning communication techniques. Communication techniques have made a significant difference in my relationship.  I learned how to discuss difficult topics with my pwBPD.  Here are some links to get you started.  

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Arguing - don't engage

Without her getting specific help for this its a no go!  If so, how would I measure the results? Can you measure the results?

Treatment results vary.  Treatment for one person could take 2 years and another person 6 months.  Consider this, you listed quite a few serious disorders.  Tackling and working through all of them is not going to be a quick fix.  

I am confused what you are meaning by measuring the results.  :)o you mean measuring improvement?

I want what I think is my wife back, BUT I FLAT OUT REFUSE to be treated and tossed aside anymore!

How should I respond to her texts?

You ultimately need to make that decision. Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side of this page?


Is your decision reliant on her behavior? What do you expect from her? What do you want?  Have you had a chance to focus on yourself?

[mallard3868]

Thank yall very much for your input/advice it is all very helpful!

Forgive me if I skip around a bit in regards to both of your questions and statements... .

From all of the info I have digested over the last 8 months or so it seems the BPD is the trunk and the others are the branches. As for the alcoholism/HPD/NPD im thinking a more targeted approach on the BPD and and work our way out from there. Some, not all, are a direct result from the PD.

Boundaries will be set for a number of things ie. bad mouthing MY kids, breaking our dates, drinking, etc... .The biggest deal breaker for me will certainly be the therapy! I had us going to a MC since the very beginning of our marriage (2 and half yrs ago) and our attendance was spotty at best, there was always an excuse ($, sports, work... .) but there was always time for the other stuff. Looking back its so very clear why this was happening! Heck, looking back at all of this its now clear and all the signs/flags were there! So, in a nut shell - NO T NO ME!

I am not expecting miracles or instant results from T, but I don't think forward progress and awareness are to much to ask. They say not to "tell" them they are BP but I disagree with that! I think its in the way you tell them. You give them the info and then it is in their hand to decide what to do... .

I mentioned it to her months ago and of course it was immediately put back on me and then even put on my daughter. Luckily for me I didn't have to bring up the BPD subject again ~ She found it! the holy grail of BPD! "Stop Walking on Egg Shells"~ There it was highlighted and margin notes on every page! I happened to leave it on the bedside table at my place and she was staying the day while I was at work. Oops! So she was in a moment of clarity and we discussed it a little I told her that there was a lot of stuff that pertained to BOTH of us. Of course 3 days later she got  mad and and barely spoke to me... .

... .so anyway, here I sit and she is blowing up my phone because I said " Time Out" and I only was meaning I needed to catch up on her 8 texts from 3am. She took it as " time out from our relationship!"   and they have been rolling in every since... .