Wife shows traits of BPD. and I have a ten year old son. I'm ready to leave her

[dmagnum]

What to do. Married 26 years tof a controlling gscreamer.worried my child is being harmed mentally.

[ogopogodude]

Welcome to this site.  Have an adult conversation with your 10 year old son. Your son wants peace, calm and happiness ... .but really what this means is "normal-ness" like his buddies.

My conversation with my kids covered the topic of "not all people are healthy in the world". And then slowly I went to the topic of mental illness and also alcoholism.  I made sure to let my kids interrupt me at any time to ask Q's etc ... but they never did.  They just wanted mom to stop, ... .and then they wanted to get on with kid's stuff. 

One thing to try not to do is to put down your wife in front of your kids.  Always say that you love her but that she needs help from the doctors and so on.  Kids actually like it when you say that you still and always will love their mom.

This is what I used to say --during a rage episode--> "I love mommy, but  she is soo very troubled, isn't she? Her behaviour and tantrums really confuse me ... .and I'm an adult, so, being a kid, this must realllllly confuse you. Let's let mom run out of energy and get tired and then she won't yell anymore. Let's just lie as still as we can and pretend that we are sleeping".

Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn't.  There were times where we had to run from the house to seek peace at a relative's house. 

 

[SlyQQ]

If your sons interests are paramount you have few options no matter what you do further mental damage will be inflicted if your partner is not inflicting severe physical and or mental abuse toughing it out and using coping strategies till your son is twelve or so an also seeing how the strategies you employ are working is a probable best

It is also unlikely you will get sole custody it takes more than just being a "drug addict" or a " bad parent " for that to happen ( unfortunately ) especially if you are a man.

even if you do get sole custody Except in very extreme circumstances it is likely your son will still see his mother regularly

Your son will also probably love his mother no matter how badly he treats her an the break up process especially if your partner is BPD will involve some very ugly stuff that she is likely to draw your son into ( the main reason for tuffing it out if that is possible for a year or two more

It is a bad situation tread very carefully and make any preparations in extreme secrecy

[ogopogodude]

You may want to seek out certain members here that have been so very helpful to me. 

Do not feel hesitant to PM (private message) members.  Here are a few members that can be very helpful: 

1.   Livednlearned 

2.    ForeverDad

3.    Turkish

 

There are others that are also very good. I realize that you do not have a lot of time nor energy to do your research by spending a lot of time on this site.

It is good that you suspect BPD, ... but keep in mind that it may be something else as well (schizophrenia, bipolar, depression  etc)  Diagnosis is not important right now, ... .as you may be going thru "crisis stage" which really is a confusing stage in terms of not really knowing what to do quite yet. 

Always act in the best interest of your child.

And never (and I do mean never) raise a hand to your spouse.  This is a person that your son loves.  And so do you (you are just frustrated  because you just do not like her behaviour and you are perplexed by it as it is soo odd).

And remember, ... .your spouse did not ask to have this affliction, ... .it is not like she WANTS this affliction.  She wants peace, love & happiness.  Every human does.  Unfortunately, the human brain and mind is not always healthy in every individual. So, be patient with her. It's hard, but be patient. Validate her feelings.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us.  I'm very sorry you are having issues in your r/s (relationship) with your wife.  I have children as well... .I understand the pain, worry and concern that you are feeling over the welfare of your child.

[livednlearned]

Hi dmagnum,

Welcome to the site. We just put up a bunch of resources that may help you work through this (really difficult) decision (over to the ----> under The Lessons). There is also a long thread here where members talk about whether to stay or go, with a lot of good perspectives that might resonate: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0

One thing I realized after leaving my marriage is that there is a lot more to it than just leaving. I left when my son was 9, and had to really up my game and learn what it truly meant to be emotionally healthy. I was conflict avoidant, had weak boundaries, a classic rescuer type and all that goes with it, and had to figure that stuff out and start changing my behavior so that I could model it for my son. You can start doing small things now that will have a huge impact. My favorite book to recommend is Power of Validation, a book about validating your child's feelings. It was like a magic potion and my son was so thirsty for it.

Glad you found the site.