Adult kids do not want to see their mom.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My Xw put me and my kids (S24 & D21) through hell for years.  She cleaned out their college funds and we are all struggling to get by and get through school (S24 needed to delay college due to theft of funds we thought we had when we filed for financial aid).

Neither of them want to see her.  She shows up, unannounced and unwanted.

I lie that they are not home (lights are on in their rooms   )

Since they supported me throughout the years, I feel obligated to lie to her for them.

Thoughts?

[Forestaken]

My Xw put me and my kids (S24 & D21) through hell for years.  She cleaned out their college funds and we are all struggling to get by and get through school (S24 needed to delay college due to theft of funds we thought we had when we filed for financial aid).

Neither of them want to see her.  She shows up, unannounced and unwanted.

I lie that they are not home (lights are on in their rooms   )

Since they supported me throughout the years, I feel obligated to lie to her for them.

Thoughts?

[whirlpoollife]

If the kids are comfortable with you "lying" to cover for them . That's fine. It's not like they are minors and there are court orders for them to see the other parent. More of a concern is her showing up at your doorstep unannounced. You might inform the police that she is coming around uninvited and that you are taking care of things but just in case you need to call they have a heads up.

[ForeverDad]

I agree, I can't see any legal consequences but you can't keep being a buffer between them and her.  They've probably been damaged, I can understand if they refuse to expose themselves to more hurt or painful contact.  However, they need to know they have the power now as adults, that can have backbones and are free to tell her what they feel.

How about simply stating - no excuses necessary - You're not welcome here, don't come back, besides everything else the kids are having to pay the consequences of your raids on their college funds.

[Turkish]

As painful as it may be for you still wating to protect them, they're adults now. They should be able to tell their mother, point blank, what they feel, and you have the right to not be harassed. My personal values bias is letting people stand or fall or to make mistakes so that they grow. Maybe they need to confront their mom and let it out, which will help them grow and detach.

[PinkieV]

My adult stepson has told his uBPDm to leave him alone, to no avail. She blew up his phone with calls and texts when she found out he was on holiday leave with us. When he wouldn't engage, she started in on his younger brother. My DH told his younger son to try to stay out of the middle of it, but at 14 he's more susceptible to her manipulation and anger. They really don't care what anybody else wants, it's all about their wants and needs.

[Rubies]

DD20 went no contact with her BPDf at 18, at least she tries.  You can set the boundaries on a BPD over and over again, they will agree over and over again, then bust the boundary every time!

I am her enforcer.   if BPDxh shows up on my doorstep, it's hospital or jail for him!  He knows this so he stalks from a distance.

[ogopogodude]

As painful as it may be for you still wating to protect them, they're adults now. They should be able to tell their mother, point blank, what they feel, and you have the right to not be harassed. My personal values bias is letting people stand or fall or to make mistakes so that they grow. Maybe they need to confront their mom and let it out, which will help them grow and detach.

Perfect.  What u said.  By lying to your ex, you are enabling the kids to do THEIR "dirty" work.

Something has be said and that something must be said by the grown up kids. 

You have a computer, ... .so print out what Turkish advised and show it to your kids.  Better yet, take pic of it with your iPhone and then text Turk's words to them. 

They will read a text sent to them.

A print-out of the advice, they will not.

The above blurb has worked for me and my kids.  They know I visit here to seek solace.

When my older teens don't wanna see their mom, ... they out right say it to her. Period.

The Boundary is well established in that department.

[livednlearned]

Most of us on these boards struggled pretty hard to set boundaries with our ex spouses, and we are adults.

I don't know. Learning to set a boundary with my ex husband is one of the hardest things I've ever learned to do. I know what everything is saying, that the goal is for the kids to be able to set healthy boundaries with their mom, but I think there is a lot more to it then just telling them to deal with their mom directly.

Sometimes, (often?) kids with BPD parents can be emotionally much younger than they are, and might need a lot of skilled support to help them set a boundary with a scary parent. I also think many of us failed to protect our kids during the marriages, and the kids experience a degree of damage from that. Protecting them now is going to count for something, and in my case, I feel I owe it to my son after not doing a good job of it for the first 9 years or so.

However, I think you can do it in a way that sets a healthier example for them, so that they don't use lying (a way of avoiding) to deal with conflict. Our kids deal enough with lying and the whole feelings = facts with their BPD parent, so it's probably better in the long run for them to see healthy, straight up boundary setting.

One thing that's helped me set healthy boundaries is to spell it out clearly in advance so everyone knows the ground rules. "BPDx, going forward, I ask that you do not come to the house unless you have been invited. If you wish to reach the kids, make prior arrangement by email or text message with them directly. If you show up unannounced to the house, I will not answer the door."

Then tell the kids what the ground rules are, or talk to them about what you are planning to send their BPD mom. They'll feel protected by you, which is an important part of healing for them, and they'll see that you did it with a healthy, reasonable boundary.

[PinkieV]

LnL I agree with everything you said. I can see how scary it is for my SS14 to deal with his uBPDm, even though she's two states away.

He's been in counseling for over a year now - when he started his counselor told my DH and I that he presented as an abused child. In the past few months, we've been participating in family sessions, and we can see him making so much progress with us. He recently voiced the wish that he'd had more say in the whole custody situation. That wasn't possible, as his mom was going to jail, but we took it to heart moving forward.

SS19 flew in for a two week visit the same day SS14 was heading to BM's for Christmas visitation. SS14 made the choice to leave later in the day so he could see his brother. BM did not know that SS19 was coming to visit as he's NC with her. She was upset her time was being cut into, and was pushing SS14 to tell DH to change the flight.

We've had discussions about BM using SS14 to get what she wants, and when SS14 comes to us, we tell him to simply tell her "you'll have to ask my dad". He's gotten pretty good at this. This time he was having a hard time, and told DH she was blowing up his phone with texts. He needed help and let us know. He really wanted to leave later but was "losing the battle" with BM. He asked DH to step in, but not tell her that he'd talked to us, and DH did just that.

You're so right about it being hard enough for adults to set boundaries. It's the greatest gift we can give the kids to help them learn what we've learned, and back them up when needed.

[Rubies]

With the help and advice from our therapists, DD was able to finally express her feelings, what she wanted and needed to feel safe and grow into an adult.   She had a hard time expressing things through the confusion after a lifetime of non-person status with the BPDs.  Helping her clarify her feelings are real, valid, and teaching she needs to put herself first above those who inflict pain into her life.

Her therapist helped her write short scripts using clear language to express her feelings and boundaries for the frequent BPD steamrolls.    It was incredibly stressful for her to set boundaries on her adult sisters at first, and they created a lot of drama, but she learned to shut them down.    By time she turned 18 and no longer legally obligated, she was strong enough to explicitly tell BPDs WHY she wanted them out of her life.

Of course BPDs don't hear her words or take responsibility for their behaviors that caused so much trauma to her.  Nope, it's because I brainwashed her for no other reason than to hurt THEM.