Did any of the dads here ever feel like walking away or giving up?

[clydegriffith]

I saw a similar thread to this earlier and i'm curious.

I never told anyone this except my therapist but sometimes i feel like the drama with the BPDx and the situation she put me in is too much and that maybe i would be better off with a clean slate in life.

Right now i have to deal with non stop baby momma drama from the BPDx. All the crap she pulled ended up forcing her to have to go back to her hometown (6 hours away) when my daughter was just a little over a year old. The BPDx trapped me with a child as she got pregnant right from the get go and the relationship ended in a terrible manner (within a year's span she had sex with about a dozen guys, a few of which were my friends).

Now, my daughter is  almost 4 now and i know she is innocent in all this and she didn't ask to be brought into this situation and she can't control who her mother is but the situation i'm in really just makes me wonder.

I will have to deal with this high-conflict BPD woman, whose had 5 kids by 3 guys in 6 years, for the rest of my life.

I have to deal with not being able to be there for my child the way i envisioned i would be

Knowing that given my child support obligations it will be very difficult for me to afford to ever have another kid again that i can be there for the way i want to be.

Of course all these thoughts go away as soon as i see my daughter and she says "i love you daddy", but when i get down over everything that's happened my mind can't help but drift... .

[Skip]

Most disengaged fathers presented a complex amalgam of reasons for their loss of contact with their children after divorce, rather than one clear cause:

Reasons for Disengagement(N=40)

90% 33% 28% 18% 16% 5%

Access difficulties    Father's decision to cease contact    Practical difficulties (distance,finances, work schedule)    Child(ren) not wanting contact    Legal injunction    Early pattern of no contact (prohibiting future contact)

Any of this ring true... .

[clydegriffith]

Access difficulties at the present time given the distance and that i can only see her via facetime when BPDx's mom is watching her which is about once or twice a week. I guess this can be tied into practical difficulties as well because of the distance.

Early pattern of little contact as my daughter is now 4 and the situation we are in with the distance has been for almost 3 years now. 

[Skip]

So you're not really there.  Not really gone at this point.

Do you have her for the summer?

[clydegriffith]

So you're not really there.  Not really gone at this point.

Do you have her for the summer?

I do not have her for the summers. Although i've lived where i'm at for most of my adult life, i don't really have much family here that would be able to help out while i work so right now i don't know how i would manage having her for an entire summer and work since i can't afford to have her in daycare for that entire time. The way the situations is i get her for 3-5 consecutive days every couple of months and i have to use 2 or 3 of my vacation days from work when i do that.

As awful of a person as the mother is, the one thing she's got going for her where she is that she has a big support system where she's at and she gets a lot of help from everyone for my daughter and her other kids.

When this situation came about i thought it would be myself, the BPDx, my child and her two other kids as one family. Never in my wildest nightmares did i envision i would be in the situation i'm in now and that it would come about before my daughter turned 1! This isn't what i signed up for.

[Hostage1234]

Yes me I hate her so much she has drained my money my soul and already destroying my 3yeat old son

[clydegriffith]

I don't think this is something most people would admit to even on an annonymous internet forum. People want to say what they think is the right thing like "ill be there for my child no matter what" and this and that but lets take a situation in which someone you just start dating decides to trap you with a baby, you try to make it work and when that baby is just a few months old you're detached from that child because of terrible things the mother did to you?

Under those circumstances, why would you be so inclined to want to fight and fight for parenting time and all that other stuff when you weren't even ready to be a parent in the first place? Why subject yourself to go to court and be stripped down emotionally and financially over a situation you never wanted?

I get so angry just thinking back on everything and all the lives the BPDx has destroyed. She trapped the guy before me with two kids. A young guy, i think both kids were born by the time he was 22. She acted insane now he has custody of those two. So he's not even 30 yet and a single dad to two school aged boys without getting a penny from that ___ in child support. That burden is on him and his entire family and luckily for him he has a a family that can help him out. Now when it was the other way around and she had custody of those two kids, she was getting $1,500 a month in support form this guy.

And what she did to me. Trap me with a child after she had ruined her relationship with the father of the other two kids. I took her and her kids in and she ends up screwing half my friends and having me falsely arrested 4 or 5 times. Now what do i get for all that? My daughter moving 6 hours away and having to pay a pretty penny in child support to a piece of garbage.

Why freaking bother? Am i suppose to run and chase this woman and file for custody to raise a kid on my own?

And guess how she's trapped the latest guy? You guessed it! Another baby! I wonder what horrible thing she'll do to this one. I'm sure she'll try very hard to top the disaster she created for the other two baby daddies. I wouldnt be surprised if she had a Jodi Arias moment.

Sorry had to vent. Get so angry thinking about the situation and the male/female double standard that exists in our culture. I was physically and emotionally abused for the better part of two years, cheated on with about a dozen guys and just lived an overall nightmare and in the end she gets to take my daughter away and gets a nice chunk of my salary for the next 14 years. 

[ogopogodude]

I never had that feeling of walking away at all.  The opposite emotions came into play simply by default actually. I knew that I was "right" all along, and that i could no longer allow (verbal, physical and emotional) abuse to be directed at me nor the children.  This mission of learning about BPD and what hold it had over my spouse became an obsession. It took over my whole being, ... .the energy just came from no-where to try to "fix" my best friend. But confusion set in that this was impossible. So, my objectives changed. To obtain full custody and raise the kids to be wonderful adults was then my goal.

I knew in my heart and soul that it was God's will for me to bear this cross. But to change my wife or to "cure her" was at first my mission, but then it became quite apparent to take the kids and grab a parachute and simply jump out of the plane (each arm with a child in tow).  This very act felt like I was giving up but in reality I was just changing my flight plan.

It was not only my duty but my mission to make sure that I was able to raise the kids in a peaceful and, thus, healthy environment. 

[Nope]

I'm a step mom. When DH and I made the decision to get the kids away from their BPD mom I knew the long drawn out miserable court process would actually be the easy part. After that my role in the kid's lives would be full time. Especially since their mom lives three states away. Every day, day-in and day-out. Especially after not having any kids of my own because I like traveling and liked the freedom of coming home from full time work and collapsing in front of grown up TV shows or going to the gym, or grabbing a good book and ordering delivery.

So now I'm raising this woman's two kids (with as much help as their dad can give me, but he never had it in him to be a default parent) and putting a minimum of three times what their mom is supposed to pay in child support into their care and betterment monthly. Meanwhile she's clearly been going tanning. 

My own father reminded me yesterday that I could have turned a blind eye to the whole thing and not rocked the boat. DH would have never gotten custody on his own. I told him 1) I can't turn a blind eye like that because I simply don't have it in me. 2) She would have kicked out SS10 who is her all-bad child eventually when he became an angry unmanageable teenager and then I could have had those kinds of problems in my house. The only other option was to get them now and give them a real chance.

Yes, there are absolutely brief moments when I wish I'd taken my chances and we'd left them there. But 99% of the time, even though they drive me nuts about 50% of the time, I'm glad they are here. I miss them when they are not.

I think people who aren't in these kinds of situations can be real quick to judge what is "right". The thinking is that if you make a life you are 100% responsible for it. But that's not true. You are 50% responsible for the life you make. The other parent has the other 50%. You only owe your kids what you can do for them. Obligating oneself for the full 100% because the other parent isn't doing their part is a decision. Just like, as a step mom, obligating myself for any part has been my decision.

I read the Children of Boarderlines board. Sometimes I read about a parent that was absent during a now adult child's childhood because the BPD scared them off. I read things about how grateful that adult child is to connect with that absent parent later. Sometimes that parent is even able to do something fantastic for that adult child like pay for college. These adult kids are sometimes pretty forgiving because they ccertainly didn't want to be around their BPD parent either.

[clydegriffith]

Good follow up points. I guess i'm looking at things from the perspective of being a single man. If i had a gf i could see a future with or wife i'd probably think differently but those my thoughts in the present.

[milo1967]

Clyde,

I did walk away and have no regrets. Married ten years, two children, seven and ten. I too lament that I will always have ties to my BPDX. If we hadn't had children so quickly after we married, I'm sure the insanity would have led to me fleeing much sooner. I've suffered horribly with her infidelity and deceit, but again, no regrets. By the end I felt like my very sanity was at stake if I did not divorce her, and thus I would be worthless as a father.

What kept me with her for so long really were fears: fear of being alone, fear of financial loss, fear I could not be a good single dad, fear of fear itself. And I won't kid you: it's been very difficult. Many times I am intensely lonely. The divorce devastated me financially. I am living paycheck to paycheck. There are times when being a single dad is overwhelming.

But you know what?

I am so much more content being alone (and working on myself being ok being alone) than putting up with emotional abuse, and I know I will find real love some day.

I have a good job and steady income. I will never be homeless. My kids will never be hungry. Times are tight, but really, money does not equal happiness. I'm getting used to it.

I have become a great single dad. My bond with my kids has never been better. My kids love their time with me and my home is a fun, stable place.

There is a point at which you really have to inventory what exactly is keeping you staying. And I bet all the reasons come down to fear. If so, remember: fear is and unrealistic expectation of reality, not reality itself. Do not stay with the pain of abuse just because it's all you know.

Strength.

[PinkieV]

Nope, our situations are so similar, except I have two children of my own.

Do I sometimes wish I hadn't helped DH pursue custody? Of course. Would I do it all over again? Of course. Nothing beats seeing my two stepsons healthy and happy.

Clyde, I have to be frank with you. Whether you were "trapped" or not, you are a father. Your daughter needs you in your life to counteract the crazy. You didn't sign on for this - none of us did. But I urge you to please keep trying to have a relationship with your daughter.

[Forestaken]

My Xw's issues were a slow-boil but in the MS & HS years of my kids, it was horrible.

I thought about disappearing after college, moving to a distant US territory (a lot).

[DreamGirl]

I have a vivid memory during my husband's custody battle with his ex-wife(who is diagnosed with BPD) of a time that I was really tied up emotionally and hypersensitive to all that was going on. Every day brought a new defeat and I was very stressed and very emotionally drained. I couldn't help but view my stepdaughters as the "source" of all that pain. It was them connected to the her and her connected to him and all of them were robbing me of what I thought it is that I wanted. Peace, love, and my own happily ever after. It was a relatively true thought - if it weren't for "them", then x y and z would or would not be happening.  I just wanted the pain and suffering to end.

It was an emotional, couldn't-help-it-if-I-tried, knee trigger response and thought process. It wasn't "right" or "wrong" to think that way. The cause, the source, and the reasons for all my stress were all tied together.

The fight or flight is a natural reaction to stress. That is our own human instincts at play. After the "reaction" however, and what separates us from the beasts, is that it all becomes about our "response" to those reactions.

What is your value system in this?

What is your "right thing for me to do". There is nothing wrong with a stepmom making a choice to walk away and saying "this is too much". It needs to be based on your own values in the situation and it needs to be for the right reasons. I was a rescuer of "all children lost" at one point and I hated their mama for reasons that had so much more to do with my own crap then it did hers. Once I figured that out, it all became pretty easy for me to accept her just as she was. To stop being the martyr and realize that it wasn't all happening "to me" but rather that it was just happening.  

A father can make that choice too - to stay or leave. Some men choose to be fathers and some choose not to be.

You can ahold her accountable to trapping you into being a dad along with being the worst woman on the planet as a mom and as a former girlfriend. You could be 100% right in that aspect... .however it's really important to not shift our values based on another person's behavior.

Does your value system include choosing a life of peace and solitude over having to deal with a mentally ill woman pretty regularly and an unfair court system in order to be a part of your daughter's life?

If it does, you get to own that and find your peace.

If it doesn't, you're in the right place to figure out how to make it all work at a level that is tolerable and manageable. My own husband is my favorite success story of going through hell and coming out a better person and father for it.

We'll support you in whatever choice you make.

~ DG

[ennie]

I'm a stepmom, have been with my husband 8 years.  He has 50/50 custody of his two girls (10 and 14); their mom has BPD.

My husband has had many moments, especially during the breakup and later custody litigation, of really questioning whether it was best to "fight for" his girls. I think his questioning came from a combination of the realistic awareness that the conflict of custody litigation was terrible for the girls, particularly as mom tells all of her perspective, and we felt obligated not to talk too much about it... .so mom was making false abuse allegations, threatening us in public, talking bad about DH and me to the kids, threatening suicide if they said they loved either of us, but we had no room to really say anything about this without being interpreted by the kids and others as "talking bad about mom."  This was terribly stressful for the girls, who love all the parental people in their lives, including me, which seemed a terrible betrayal of their mom. 

This was compounded by mom's constant PA, which meant that when their stress came out as intense emotional outbursts, it came out as anger at dad and wanting to live with mom.  DH already felt inadequate as a dad after 7 years of being with a very critical and abusive partner, and he had failed in his goal--to not give his kids the broken home he had.

I think because I have a background in child psychology and lots of experience working with kids, and probably the distance that being a step-parent brings, I did not take this all literally.  I saw the kids as in a lot of pain, and that DH is a great dad.  He also is very bonded and close to both girls, so it was clear that there really is no way out of this dilemma.  Leaving them, for him, would be just as painful as being rejected by them and staying, just as painful as knowing that by engaging in our adversarial legal system, he was participating in creating the most painful experience of their lives. 

But it is important as parents that we be aware that our job is not to help our kids avoid all pain, but develop the tools to experience and address that pain  To grow so that the pain is part of who we are, not all of who we are. 


What helped my DH was a great therapist who saw the kids for several years.  She was able to ask him, "So if you stopped the battle, what do you think would happen?"  Him:"They would live full time with mom."  Her: "And what would that be like for the kids?  How do you think they would feel?"  Him:  "Without me in the picture, mom would just drink more, be more abusive, less accountable. Probably horrible for the kids.  Right now, she is on her best behavior."  Her:  "And how would that be for you?"  "I probably could not stand it."

It became clear, with just a few questions, that while the present situation was terribly painful for all of us, the other options were worse. 

Sometimes there are really hard things in life.  I think each of us--dads, stepmoms, moms--have to evaluate these questions for ourselves.  There are no right answers, just like dreamgirl said.  But there is also no get out of jail free card, no answer that does not have consequences.  I think a lot of the battle is accepting that life holds unavoidable pain... .

and the funny thing is, when that is okay with us, it DOES get better.  Over time, the unbearable becomes bearable.  With one openhearted parent, willing to gain skills for dealing with this painful situation, kids learn how to share and feel painful feelings, and learn that they are okay as is, even with the painful stuff they are going through.  My stepdaughters are some of the most wise, kind, emotionally intelligent kids (people!) I know, and they came by this honestly, through real struggle and pain that I wish they had never had. 

That does not mean the right choice is to stay, but that there is no choice in which this never happened, in which they do not have a BPD parent. 

[DreamGirl]

Over time, the unbearable becomes bearable.  With one openhearted parent, willing to gain skills for dealing with this painful situation, kids learn how to share and feel painful feelings, and learn that they are okay as is, even with the painful stuff they are going through.  My stepdaughters are some of the most wise, kind, emotionally intelligent kids (people!) I know, and they came by this honestly, through real struggle and pain that I wish they had never had. 

That does not mean the right choice is to stay, but that there is no choice in which this never happened, in which they do not have a BPD parent. 

This is so well said.