Suicidal 36 y/o D

[Mama-san]

Hello,

I am a wife and mom, married w/ 3 adult step-d, 1 adult s.  I refer to my step-ds simply as my 'daughters'.  The 36 y/o d has a long history of being a difficult person, even as a small child.  Her current Dx is BPD with co-occurring substance abuse, bulimia, major depressive, disorder, anxiety and multiple health problems.  She is frequently suicidal & has had multiple suicide attempts.  Triggers are many.  Her ex has custody of her 2D which she may see only under supervision provided by her father and I.  Her bioM is toxic and most likely BPD and not involved.

Currently our d is in-patient for the 2nd time this month for being suicidal.  Rx abuse is a factor. Although she has been working PT and living alone in an apt we provide we now question if she is safe/ well enough to live independently.  Because she refuses therapy (DBT, group, other), rehab, and any form of help we are at our end.  Over the last 10+ yrs we have done everything possible to make every and all help available to her, but "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". We have been clear with her that we have done all we can and SHE is the only person who can change her life.  There is nowhere for her to go, no friends or family will take her in, and we are considering a residential setting for her when she is dc from the hospital.

Like most other parents we are weary of being on The Hamster Wheel of Borderline. 

Today we find ourselves walking a fine line trying to make the best decision(s) to keep her alive a little longer.  Trying to hold to a thread of hope. 

Wondering:  What have other parents done when they are out of options and the adult child refuses to help her/himself?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Mama-san & 

I'm so very sorry for all of the trauma you have been dealing with regarding your daughter; all of us on the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board know what you are going through... .My own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013 after a Suicidal Ideation that landed him in the Psych Ward of our local hospital. After he was discharged from the Hospital, he was admitted to a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program, which is where he was finally diagnosed with BPD.

For my son, that DDx Program saved his life. He was thrilled to find out why he had the troubles he did, and then to learn the DBT that helped him get into recovery. When he entered the Hospital (prior to the DDx Program), he'd been a multi-year Heroin addict. Today he is almost 22 months clean and sober, recovering from the BPD (I doubt he'd even be diagnosed with it anymore), and the healthiest and happiest he's ever been. His story is here: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story, and maybe it will give you a few ideas on how to proceed with your daughter?

I'm pretty sure she may qualify for a Dual Diagnosis Program if she not only has mental health issues, but something else... .I do know that this Program succeeded with my son when all others did not work (2 "regular" Rehabs, Out-Patient Therapy, Psychiatrist Sessions). He is still doing the Out-Patient and Psychiatrist Sessions, and is also having Neurofeedback Sessions (once/week at this time). But the DDx Program is what set him on the path to recovery and saved his life.

Maybe there is a Program like that somewhere in your vicinity? Maybe the Hospital's Psychiatrist/Psychologist could guide you? My son couldn't wait to get out of the Hospital, and didn't really want to go to the DDx Program, but he'd heard about it from his Therapist and the Hospital Psychiatrist, and went willingly (though grudgingly). It's the best thing he ever did, and he will admit that to anyone  I highly recommend that you look into a Program like this, Mama-san... .And let us know what you find out 

[Mama-san]

Thank you for your kind and encouraging response, Rapt Reader.

Your suggestion is a very good one and I congratulate your son on his continued successful recovery!

We were able to find good DDx treatment out of state. Our D has been through 2 DDx programs, 18 mos & 9 mos. Left the second program early.   She has been through 3 6 mos DBT skills group classes.  Along the way there has been multiple ECT, EMDR, Etc.  She cannot/will not embrace and use the skills and cannot/will not take Rx as prescribed.  Her fallback is to resort to street drugs.  Her therapist told us she is the sickest borderline she has worked with.  Understandable because our D is resistant to any change. 

Still open for suggestions.

[suchsadness]

Hello Mama-san 

I want to welcome you to this site/board along with Rapt Reader.  I too have a BPD dd37 with 2 children who have limited visitation with their mother.  She is currently living in a condo that we provided for her with the understanding that she would be renting from us - which is failing miserably.  I understand completely where you are coming from when you say:

"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". We have been clear with her that we have done all we can and SHE is the only person who can change her life.  There is nowhere for her to go, no friends or family will take her in,

It is a horrible feeling for parents to extend all the help we can and yet it just isn't enough.  I don't know about you, but I keep wondering if our help is just enabling her and making her situation worse?  We haven't (thank the Lord) dealt with suicidal attempts but it is always on my mind that it will come to that.  My heart goes out to you and your family as you deal with repeated suicide attempts and failed attempts at rehab/therapies.  I wish there was an easy answer or a fail-proof formula, I along with you am open to suggestions.  We as parents are always looking for ideas and this board is a good place to come to for support.  I'm glad you are here - wishing you a happy 2015.