2015 - Time for some decisions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

jedimaster, I read your story, but don't get all of your tone here.

Are you taking ANYTHING she tells you about what you should do / need to do / etc. to heart?

Are you visibly   rolling your eyes at her? Agreeing with her?

Or trying to validate her with outagreeing?

[Grey Kitty]

jedimaster, I read your story, but don't get all of your tone here.

Are you taking ANYTHING she tells you about what you should do / need to do / etc. to heart?

Are you visibly   rolling your eyes at her? Agreeing with her?

Or trying to validate her with outagreeing?

[jedimaster]

jedimaster, I read your story, but don't get all of your tone here.

Are you taking ANYTHING she tells you about what you should do / need to do / etc. to heart?

Are you visibly   rolling your eyes at her? Agreeing with her?

Or trying to validate her with outagreeing?

Sorry, GK, I'll try to fill in the gaps.

I do try to take things she says to heart, when they are (a) practical; (b) presented in a nice and thoughtful manner.  However, most of the things she says are in the form of orders:

She:  "You need to write this down so you don't forget.  All of the fences need to be cleaned up before March.  Since we don't have goats, all the trees need to be bulldozed out of the back pasture so you can keep it mowed.  Whether we have money or not, this needs to be done. (She literally said this today.)"  Etc, etc, etc. 

Everything she says is more or less in this format.  I get orders, not requests.

What I try to do is validate without agreeing.  Not that it matters; the fact that I am in the room when she says it means that we have discussed it and it's a done deal.  But I try to find items on her lists that are reasonable and agree to those as she brings them up.

I do have a plan for cleaning things up, but (a) it's still the dead of winter here; (b) as soon as the house addition is shelled in I will be doing the plumbing and wiring--the builder will be held up until I get that done; (c) I am NOT going back to the 12-14 hour days of allowing her to run me ragged.

Only in my fantasies do I dare visibly roll my eyes at her    I practice sitting in my Jedi Force bubble, listening attentively, responding where it seems reasonable, and allowing it to roll off.

It's not whether any of this needs doing (some does; some is overkill or can wait) but the manner in which she still tries to order me around and plan my entire schedule even after I have set boundaries about the farm.  I'm theorizing that since I have gotten so much better at detachment and I seldom react to her comments, she is grasping for control any way she can.  Rather than losing her temper as much as she used to, she seems to be trying a little more subtle approach.

As for the tai chi episode, I was in the bathroom hanging up clothes, out of her line of sight, when from the bed she begins pontificating on my exercise needs.  Given the context of her frequent attempts to micromanage my daily life, it was very obvious that she wants me to hit the ground running every morning and I need to take her recommendations for some vigorous exercise to get me going.  Understand that I still take care of the remaining animals, as well as fix coffee and breakfast every morning, make dinner in the evenings, work my full time job, do web design on the side, lead two special needs exercise classes, have a run date with my son every weekend, active in my church, and go to support group once a week.  Yep, I'm a real lazy SOB. 

This stuff no longer angers me.  When she was criticizing my exercise, I was out of sight in the bathroom physically holding my side and biting my knuckle to keep from either laughing out loud or saying something I'd regret.  I was just about doubled over with amusement/amazement.

This kind of thing, as much or more than the dysregulations, is what has pushed me from the staying board to here, and rapidly from here to leaving.  I'm not ready to go into my 60's and 70's fending off daily efforts to control my life.  It's draining enough at 53.  Even if I don't allow her to have control, it's a daily, moment by moment effort to keep it at bay. 

[Grey Kitty]

jedimaster, you are coasting when it comes to working on your side of the relationship with your wife.

Given that you are VERY busy with a bunch of other things, that is a very reasonable choice for you to make--I'm not second guessing your choice at all.

I do want to make sure you are aware that you are coasting, and that there is more you can do, to address this:

This kind of thing, as much or more than the dysregulations, is what has pushed me from the staying board to here, and rapidly from here to leaving.  I'm not ready to go into my 60's and 70's fending off daily efforts to control my life.  It's draining enough at 53.  Even if I don't allow her to have control, it's a daily, moment by moment effort to keep it at bay. 

This kind of interaction with her clearly is NOT working for you. It is frustrating. It also seems like waiting for the other shoe to drop... .you avoid a fight or perhaps a dysregulation by letting her list all the things you are going to do without disagreeing, even though you KNOW that you won't do 80% of them, and even the part you will do isn't going to be the way she wants/expects it.

However in the case of your spring worklist, she will eventually notice that you aren't working to her plan.

She will notice tomorrow that your exercise routine is not the one she told you to do.

And honestly... .listening to her and just silently ignoring 90% of what she says is kinda invalidating.

Please don't take this as being critical of you--I think you've made immense and amazing progress, and the house remodel will be a great accomplishment. I really think it is OK to coast a little longer and solidify the progress you have already made... .or work your butt off on the remodel.

I also think you are capable of taking the next step to work on your marriage if you want to. Your choice.

Either way you choose... .you deserve a better life than one where you fantasize about rolling your eyes!

[propunchingbag]

I have one thing to add to this thread. Make sure that you don't put barriers out in front of yourself that stop you from moving on with your life. I know it's a good idea to finish your house remodel, as that makes sense. Just make sure that you don't keep putting barriers up that you have to jump over and stay in the relationship for too long. I'm currently suffering from this exact problem. I keep on saying to myself after the holidays I'll finally be able to move on. After Valentines Day I will move on, etc... .Things have improved, but I know it never lasts for a long. Cycle up and cycle down and repeat.  If you are actually going to leave and you have figured out what it would take to do so I would advise you to set that financial number on paper, set that date in your calendar, and truly follow through. The longer we stay in relationship with our BPD partners the harder it is to leave.

[jedimaster]

GK, I appreciate what you are saying and I don't take it as criticism.  You have been a great help to me ever since I got on this board and I value your input.  I have followed your ups and downs with your SO and I have to say I don't know of another person on this site who has and is putting more effort into trying to salvage their r/s.  I have to say I would not have been willing to be as forgiving or patient as you.  You are certainly an example of going above and beyond. 

I have indeed pretty much made my choice. I think I am getting a sense of just how much more work it will take and what the end result might be.  My concern is that, now that I have made some major strides in getting myself back on an even keel, do I have what it takes left in me to keep myself at this level and devote the amount of emotional energy it will take to start trying to rebuild.

Yes, I am coasting, and yes I am trying to avoid dysregulation by sitting silently and ignoring a great deal of what she says.  Because I'm too tired and emotionally spent to willingly engage in a discussion I know will be difficult, exhausting, and most likely unproductive.  And I don't know when or if I'll ever be ready to deliberately engage again unless the issue is too important to ignore.  I'm also concerned that even if I were to decide to try, I fear that the best result obtainable will be something so different from a healthy r/s that it will ultimately be unsatisfying, and I will have spent even more of my middle years chasing something that can't be caught.  I hope that your path takes you down a better road, but I think I have about decided I'm not willing to settle for what I would end up with if I keep trying to salvage this r/s.

--- propunchingbag, interesting that you should make that point.  I have already come to that same conclusion this afternoon.  I think the house will be it. 

I realized on the way to my support group that the reality of such a decision is starting to sink in.  I have some feelings I am going to have to allow myself to feel and work through.  I alluded to them in group tonight but took a pass on elaborating with a promise to discuss them next week.  I need a little more time to process internally before I start talking, at least talking verbally.  For now it's easier to share via keyboard with you all.  Thanks for being there.

[jedimaster]

I have to get off of here for the evening but I want to leave on a positive note.  One of the things I have had to re-learn to do for myself is to not go straight from home to appointments, etc, but to build in a little time for myself.  When I first started to support group I would do just that, go there and straight home.  I gradually started running errands, skipping dinner and taking myself out to eat afterwards, etc.  I would usually end up going to eat alone and spending a little time online.

Tonight that was my plan but on the way out some of the folks in the group invited me to go have dinner.  On a whim I tagged along and had a great time.  I realized it has probably been a good three years since I have gone out with people who weren't my family or for a meal that wasn't a business lunch.  I didn't realize how much I have needed it.  Looking forward to next week already. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Great to hear you had a dinner out. Fantastic news there!

Yes, I am coasting, and yes I am trying to avoid dysregulation by sitting silently and ignoring a great deal of what she says.  Because I'm too tired and emotionally spent to willingly engage in a discussion I know will be difficult, exhausting, and most likely unproductive.  And I don't know when or if I'll ever be ready to deliberately engage again unless the issue is too important to ignore.

First and foremost... .coasting is right for you today. You do need to take good care of yourself, and focusing on other things in your life sounds very very right!

Second... .I wasn't even going to suggest you engage in a fight in those controlling diatribes! I was thinking of a boundary enforcement like "I won't listen to you telling me what I'm going to do like that." or "I will follow the exercise plan that works for me. Please don't tell me what I should be doing instead."

Whether this improves your marriage or not, it would improve your life--If nothing else, it sounds exhausting to keep your eyes from rolling!   Think what better use you could find for that energy! 

I have followed your ups and downs with your SO and I have to say I don't know of another person on this site who has and is putting more effort into trying to salvage their r/s.  I have to say I would not have been willing to be as forgiving or patient as you.  You are certainly an example of going above and beyond.

Thank you. I'm trying to live up to my own values the best I can.

My wife has shown tremendous personal growth spurts over the years, both as an early adult before we got together, and also over the past few years, when she stopped being verbally abusive, giving me the silent treatment, etc. This gives me hope that she can continue to grow, especially when I'm working on my own side of things, and effectively holding her feet to the fire.

I'm guessing your wife doesn't have quite the same history. In your shoes, I probably would be ready to move on too.

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you are saying, GK and propunchingbag.  The goal, in my view, is to lead an authentic life.  To the extent we are pretending that our marriage to a pwBPD is OK when it is not, or that we are happy in a BPD r/s when we are not, is cause for concern.  It's all about being honest with oneself, I would submit.

LuckyJim