Need Help with dad (exhusband) who refuses to see problem

[Roxy_mom]

My biggest problem being a single mom of a 17 year old boy with BPD traits is his constant treats that he will just go live with his dad.  I have always felt that would be his biggest betrayal of everything I've done for him over the years (divorced for 16 years) and would fly into a panic when he'd start throwing things into a bag to leave.  The last time he threatened it I Asked if if I should call him to come pick him up which kind of stopped him in his tracks.  this episode was precipitated by me snooping on his computer to find posts about him wanting to kill himself and also posts between him and his girlfriend talking about how better it would be if I was dead, that I was psychotic, a b___, etc etc... .For putting boundaries and restrictions on him.  Didn't matter that they were mutually discussed and decided on by his father and I, all of his rage gets directed to me.  Now he's been away skiing with his dad for a week and I'm scared to death that he's not going to want to come back to my home.  He's dad doesn't ever think there really anything wrong with him, just me being overprotective and over mothering of him... .If this happens I hope I have enough strength to accept it.  But how do you ever get over the hurt of them feeling your were the cause of all the problems in their life?  He has yet to start counseling and if he lives with his dad I don't think it will ever start. His dad is just as bad at point the finger at blame at me too... .I feel so hopeless... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Roxy

Your son is manipulating you with his threats.  This is so very common in pwBPD.  If he really wants to live with his Dad, I would suggest you let him try it AFTER completing the psych eval and BEFORE he turns 18.  

My son is 40.  He blames me for everything he has done wrong his entire life.  It gets to a point where you MUST stop blaming yourself and realize this is a warped perception caused by a sick mind.  It is not going to go away and it is not rational.  PwBPD attack the people they need the most.  I believe in part because they doubt we will ever abandon them.  This bond is particularly strong between a parent and a child as opposed to a SO or spouse that you can walk away from.

There is a fine line between co-dependence and need.  There is also a fine line between being a caregiver and an enabler. This mental illness is one of the most devastating to relationships because of these factors.  

The cause of BPD is unclear.  Most believe it is a combination of genetic factors and environmental issues.  This does not automatically mean there has been mental or physical abuse.  This is absolutely NOT the case in most pwBPD.  What is tragic in nature is how their brain perceives even the best care and loving environment as negative or abusive.  This is the very essence of mental illness.

It may help for you to get some additional support for yourself.  If you look back in your family and that of your ex, you may find other relatives with BPD or similar mental illness and/or substance abuse. They may never have been diagnosed, as this disorder has gone unrecognized for many, many years and only in fairly recent years has come to light.  

If an evaluation shows BPD or a variation of it and you have proof of mental illness, your ex will need to take it seriously.  I suspect he would figure it out rather quickly if your son actually lived with him.  Bpd is not a subtle disorder.

Would you blame yourself if your son had cancer?  Learn to go with the flow and stop blaming yourself for everything.  Yes, we have all gotten to the point where we actually believe we are responsible because we are constantly told that.  Stop letting your son and ex manipulate you.  This is not your fault.  :)o not own it. Allow your ex to help unless he is not able to provide a stable home. This is his child as well, and he needs to share in the burden of BPD, and not just enjoy the brief good times they share.

Please keep us posted, and know so many of us share your battle.  We are here for you.

[Roxy_mom]

Thank you for the words of advice.  I am finding such comfort in knowing I'm not alone in my struggles with him.  He can be such as sweet, caring young man, with so much to offer and then like a light switch he's gone, replaced by a selfish, demanding and yes manipulative one. The evaluation is scheduled prior to his 18th birthday and I'm actually going to beg to have it done next week.  Right now it's hard to tell what is going to happen when he comes home... .I haven't heard more than a few short texts from him.  He feels wronged by me and can hold a grudge for a long time.  Last year he didn't speak to his dad for 6th months because he didn't call him on his birthday... .Jekyll and Hyde, walking on egg shells, all things I've used to describe his behavior but his dad refuses to acknowledge any problem. I know he will be forced to after the evaluation but I'm sure I'll be my fault somehow.  Was I justified in snooping on his computer? He keeps saying I invaded his privacy but he keeps so much inside I felt like I had no choice.  He doesn't understand if he would just talk to me a little I wouldn't need to look fir answers. He's also mad at me because I told my family he broke up with his girlfriend prior to leaving on his trip (he found out she was cheating) he flipped out on me when my brother posted support on twitter for him.  Told me that's why he never tells me anything because I don't respect his privacy. Really hard to swallow how he reacts to these perceived affronts to him.  Sometimes he tells me it's how I look at him... .I can't even begin to understand how I can not be looking at him wrong... .Sorry for rambling just have so much frustration and hurt inside of me that needs to get out. 

[MammaMia]

Roxy

Yes, pwBPD read body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice and twist them into negatives against them.  They hate drama from others (although that is all they create).  My son insists on direct eye contact when speaking to him.  No laughing, heavy sighing, speaking too loudly, or becoming overly excited.  If I turn my head, move to another room, or do anything except look at him while he is speaking, he becomes very angry.  He says I am not listening and I am ignoring his feelings.  

This mental disorder is so focused on how they perceive what they see and hear.  Unfortunately, as I said before, their perceptions are not always based in reality, and are distorted by their illness.  They often insist we have done or said things we have not.  Likewise, they sometimes believe they have told us specific information when they have not.  They are terrible communicators, and yet they expect us to know what they mean and/or want without discussion.

I keep telling him, I am not clairvoyant.