At An All Time Low

[draptemp]

Hello to anyone that may read and respond. I have been a relationship with a dBPDso for 3 years and 7 months. It has been classic BPD from the beginning and I was definitely swept off my feet with the first stage of the relationship. Then things began to change and I had no knowledge of BPD at that point. I did, however, see and notice all the warning signs (now known)but did not know what was happening at the time. The possessiveness and controlling begin within months or our meeting. I was a life saver, I was the knight in shinning armor that had been sent to save him from all the horrible things that had occurred in his life previously. The accolades gushed. I could do no wrong; no one ever loved or understood him like I did.

All was seemingly well until I was not able to remain in the same state due to my job. I was transferred some 1300 miles away. The separation did not seem that traumatic to me becuse I worked in an industry that afforded the ability to return often (at least once a month for several days). However, for him, the separation represented abandonment (which I wasn't aware of until this forum) and thus began the rages, vicious attacks, suspicions and all the elements of Dysregulation. He seemed desperate and pleaded with me to return and in the time I was out of state, I was beraged with phone calls, text, hacking into my emails, bank accounts and demand to know my whereabouts 24/7. Foolishly, I was flattered by such intensity and chalked it up to inmaturity. I thought with reassurance, sincere and devoted loyalty these would demonstrate the true genuineness of my heart felt love for him. WRONG!

The relationship advanced to my support not only emotionally but also financially with large amounts of money assisting with living arrangements, clothing, food, auto and general necessities. Again, thinking that this kind of support would surely demonstrate I was in the relationship for the long haul and more than willing to allow behavior that normally I would not tolerate from anyone else.

Tumultuous, volitile, splitting, projections, push/pull isolation, punishment continued constantly and only subsided temporarily when I returned and spent countless days, weeks with him, went on road trips and lived life as a couple. Even then it was unstable at best and I never knew when something I said or did or looked or observed would spark a rage, isolation and accusations. Always ending with shame, guilt, fear that I would at some point leave him because of the horrible way he treated me.

Even with that kind of treatment I pledged my loyalty and promise to stay regardless and I would not abandon him. I was always confused, bewildered, baffled never quite knew where I stood and no matter what I did, it was never enough or the right thing. Enter bpdfamily. I began to read and was actually quite thrilled that I now could identify what was going on and in turn, falsely assuming, that now we could begin therapy to jointly resolve some of these issues. I never really told him what I had discoverd as such, but lovingly insisted we needed to see a therapist. He agreed and we began, at my expense of deductible, to see an amazing, kind hearted, gentle, knowledgable professional of BPD disorder. It was like a light came on to me. He diagnosed him with BPD within 5 sessions and began to work diligently with cognitive distortions and DBT. In one of the last session he would attend, the dr gave him the diagnosis of BPD and did it, in my opinion, with grace and compassion so as not to have him feel like it was a bad label or stigma. He also told him that in order to see distinctive results, the therapy would probably take a minimum of 2 or 2.5 years. He was discouraged and felt like a dark cloud had been pronounced over him and he was defective. I was very supportive and reassuring that we were in this together and it would improved the constant pain he was in and also releave some of the stress, anxiety and problems within our relationship

Almost within 2 weeks, he decided that the doctor was not helping him, he was simply depressed and stopped going and has refused to go back; that was in 2013.

There have been so many tumultuous events that are so typical of a dBPDso since 2013 that I don't have room to expound. Fast forward to the last 5 months

He is now in the "hater" stage with push/pull, isolation, insensitivety continuously. I have continued to travel back and forth and he has come to me as well in this time frame. I have been at every important event (birthdays, holiday celebrations, family events of all kinds) within the last 2 months, he has digressed to an all time low with rage, accusations, push/pull, projection and splitting, name calling, isolation etc and needless to say it has kept me on a roller coaster ride of a life time.

The final death blow (I think and this is where I need HELP) he has decided he does not want me to come for New Years Eve and day because "I might have plans already" we have spent the last 4 New Years together.

Help anyone? What should I do? The hurt and pain he has caused me is almost unbearable. This is long, I know, but writing about it is somewhat therapeutic for me.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Draptemp,

I am glad you found us.  You certainly have been through a roller coaster ride.  I understand how frustrating and painful it can be.    

As you said,  fear of abandonment is a core feature of pwBPD. PwBPD tend to associate abandonment as them being "bad." PwBPD tend to be highly sensitive to their environment and circumstances.  They experience abandonment through intense feelings such as, anger and sadness.   

In my opinion, your bf's comment about spending New Years Day, is him just projecting his feelings of abandonment from your job transfer. He is passive-aggressively saying that you don't care or your are not there for him enough. For a pwBPD feelings equal facts.   

I understand how painful these behaviors are.  I found with my own relationship, I was really focused on his behavior. I was so involved,  I forgot about helping myself.

How are you coping?  Have you focused on your needs?  Have you had a chance to think of what you could do for yourself to make things easier?   

A great place to start is to read the lessons on the right side. 

[draptemp]

Thank you for your response. The way I am coping is accepting the fact that I didn't cause the disorder and I can't change him, he has to want to change. My head knows all the facts in general and I undestand the behaviors and responses. That is my head. On the other hand, my heart is broken by his choices and actions. I truly do love him

In some ways, I'm glad he made this choice because I am going to spend New Years with my daughter and her family. I have not been as involved with my own famiky as much in th last year or so because he is always so resentful if I did anything with them and it caused so many rages I can't even count. I did not tell him I was going away.

As far as taking care of myself, that is a new thing for me because I've been occupied for the last 3 years attempting to do the things I thought would mak him happy and pleased; only to realize NOTHING I ever did was enough and if  I did try there was always an amendment to the requirement. I'd try but... .If you would do so and so. So it left me frustrated that I could never please him enough. I'm just beginning to try and take a look at my needs and a means to repair the damage he's caused within my own self esteem and image.

[EaglesJuju]

Accepting that you did not cause the disorder and the realities of BPD is a huge step in the right direction.   

It is really hard sometimes to not to take the behavior personally. I am still working on depersonalizing all of my bf's behavior. Basically, the behavior has nothing to do with us.  It has been really hard for me to completely accept it.   

I felt the same way as you.  I never could do anything right or I was not good enough.  My bf is very self-aware of his behaviors. He told me that I could have given him the world and it still would not be good enough because, this is a problem that he has.  That comment really helped me to start working on my own issues.  I started looking at myself and what I contributed to the relationship.

The  conflict between your  head and heart is rough.   I have the same problem as well.  I found this article to be really helpful to balance my rational mind and my emotions.  TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

I think taking time for yourself is a good thing.  It is really hard when you have spent most of your time focused on someone else.  It really seems like a foreign thing.  I realized that I needed to work and focus on myself first.  I cannot help him if I cannot help myself.  It is like keeping a wound constantly open.

You are absolutely correct, you cannot change him.  Although you cannot change him, you can change yourself.   

[draptemp]

Thank you eagles juju, it has just been one of the most difficult things I've ever attempted to in my life to separate what he says about everything being my fault and not believing that. I am beginning to realize that I cannot depend on him for any validation or affirmations on what I have done or sacrificed on his behalf. I also am just at the beginning stages of understanding that what I thought was appeasement was nothing more than sending a message that your behaviors toward me are acceptable and that by accepting them, do it to me all over again.

Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, literally! I'm weak at it

[EaglesJuju]

It is tough not to be able to rely on your significant other for validation.     

You are not as weak as you think.  Realizing your role in the relationship and working on yourself is a very brave and strong thing!  

[draptemp]

Thank you Eagles juju,

It's now 12:24 est and I made it through New Years eve! Dejected, alone and heart aching; but I'm still here and I made it. My head tells me I'm strong, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet! He's out partying with his friends and seemingly having a great time. My hope for 2015 is to recover and take back myself.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you Eagles juju,

It's now 12:24 est and I made it through New Years eve! Dejected, alone and heart aching; but I'm still here and I made it. My head tells me I'm strong, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet! He's out partying with his friends and seemingly having a great time. My hope for 2015 is to recover and take back myself.

I saw your post and wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and send you a great big hug!   

Dealing with this stuff isn't easy. I don't have any words of wisdom but I did want to offer you some kind words of support. Sometimes that makes a big difference to me. I have gone so long getting whatever bread crumbs I could from my spouse that it feels good to know that I am not alone in my struggles.

[maxen]

hi draptemp. i'm sorry for your situation and it's absolutely typical for the heart and the head to be on different schedules. you're aware of that which is a good sign. lots of what you say in fact shows self-awareness.

I didn't cause the disorder

no, you didn't. please keep that in mind. the experiences that lead to BPD are planted early in life and were surely well established long before you showed up.

i hope you have a happier 2015! could be some rough times ahead, but you seem to be aware of what you're facing.

[draptemp]

Thank you vortex, your kind words of encouragement mean so much. It's been a horrible week since Christmas. It is VERY comforting to know there are others who feel and have the same experiences.

Words of compassion out weigh words of wisdom. As I said, I have a great head knowledge.

We deserve better and our value is greater than they ever have the ability to acknowledge. I wish you a happy and healthy new year and thank you again for your words of comfort.

[draptemp]

Thank you as well maxen... .I'm in the early (alone) stages of realizing my value and worth apart from being painted black, bad, evil etc.

It is not going to be easy that's for sure and just when I think I've gain a small amount of strength for the journey, I'm knocked right off my feet again.

Reading, listening and trying to convince myself I can do it and hopefully in the long run he'll begin to want to change. Until then, thank you so much.