Hey everyone. I wish I didn't have to write this, but here I am.

I have PTSD and my (former?) significant other has BPD (and PSTD? Who knows). We've living apart but have been in an online relationship with frequent real life visits for almost 8 years.

At the beginning of our relationship, she was untreated, and did a lot of horrible things. She lied to me and cheated on me. I, in turn, said (and did) a lot of abusive things that I'm not proud of. My PTSD was untreated and I eventually went to therapy and got it (mostly) under control. I'm not perfect, but I'm no longer who I used to be. In fact, we simultaneously attended therapy together (separate therapists), and slowly learned to move beyond the worst of our issues and put the past behind us. We'd been doing well since early 2012, as she had been doing DBT, and I was very, very proud of her.

Or so I thought.

For the past 3+ years, she's lied to me constantly. Unable to let things go, she's been resentful of every little thing that I've said (even from 2010!) and has held it against me. I've encouraged her to talk about her feelings, to keep a diary, and to tell me whenever she had any kind of intrusive thoughts so that we can work on them together. I wanted so badly to help her.

Last night, however, I discovered something horrific. She had written down her fantasies in detail, wherein she caused me irreparable physical harm. As someone who is a survivor of immense childhood abuse, I was paralyzed. Despite the things I said at the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't fathom hurting her physically.

She wrote about how I made her afraid. She couldn't tell me anything. She said she wanted to rescued. Her sexuality and feelings for me were all a lie. Nothing was true.

When I confronted her about this, of course, I found the opposite. "I didn't mean it! I just wrote that when I was feeling afraid and sick! I just want you! I love you and want to be with you forever!" She loves me even though she wants to torture me physically? Even though I make her afraid? Something isn't adding up. Is she just saying this so that I won't leave her? Does she ACTUALLY want to kill me, but her fear of abandonment makes her compelled to keep me around?

I am no longer speaking to her, but I don't know what to believe. I know none of you are mind readers, but... .Could this really be caused by BPD? How do I even begin to realize what was real and what was fake? Should I even talk to someone again who fantasizes about torturing me? And if I did talk to her again, how could I even begin to sort through the truth from lies to make sure this doesn't happen again?

Thank you for any help and support you can give. This has been an awful way to start the year.

Unwanted, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this with your SO. I suggest you look at this from another perspective. Have you done journaling? Have you written anything when you have had a fit of anger? Have you written something that could be written as being very aggressive like what your SO had written? You suggested that she journal. You discovered and read through her private writing. I am not saying that she is right, because she definitely has done things that are inappropriate, but one's private thoughts are private and belong to that individual. We all have fantasies of doing bad things, but we usually don't follow through with them. It is good that if you wish to continue with this relationship, that you continue having an open dialog.

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think this could be caused by BPD (and perhaps co-morbidity with Antisocial Personality Disorder).  Since you are asking for advice, I will suggest that you reduce your emotional investment in this relationship and perhaps consider maintaining your physical distance.  I would take her thoughts seriously.  Also, consider that if she's will to go this far with you, what's to stop her from inflicting severe psychology damage on you (which wouldn't present legal ramifications for her).     

Your BPD having two journals, one that she shares and one that she hides, is majorly significant. She is a cunning, deceptive woman whose anger is extremely profound, and she could easily release the dark side of her any time that she would be in a bad mood. Like one of the posters stated, keeping your distance is the best thing for you.