How validated

[Lizeth]

Hi

My 24 year old daughter, has BPD. How do I validated the thing she said?

For example she hates her 20 year old sister and she want me to tell her every time that she ( the one with BPD) is better than her sister.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Lizeth,

It sounds like your being triangulated by your dwBPD. It must be frustrating to feel like you have to choose sides. If you've keyed in on validation, then you're on the right path, and we can certainly support you.

pwBPD (people with BPD) suffer from a core sense of shame and a lack of self worth which can manifest in many ways. It sounds like your D is telegraphing that. The first and most important step in validation is to accept that her feelings are real, and acknowledge them. If they (or anybody, really), feels that they are being heard, it goes a long way towards calming the strongest emotions. Reflecting (mirroring) back by summarizing her statements accurately is one level of validation referenced by Marsha Linhan, the developer of DBT. It's hard to do, but with practice, it can become natural. The pitfall is to do this without judgement, though the truth can come later and doesn't need to be hidden.

Though it's written with young children and teens in mind, a book that many members here find helpful is The Power Of Validation. In truth, a pwBPD is emotionally immature, and stuck at a childlike level, especially when triggered.

I suggest posting to the Parenting Board for support. Go through the suggested reading there as you have time. Members there are very supportive and can understand what you're going through. Take a look at this info in the meantime:

Validation and BPD

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace In A BPD Family

Take Care,

Turkish

[Mike-X]

It sounds like your being triangulated by your dwBPD. It must be frustrating to feel like you have to choose sides. If you've keyed in on validation, then you're on the right path, and we can certainly support you.

... .notice Turkish's nice example of providing validation. 

[livednlearned]

It sounds like your being triangulated by your dwBPD. It must be frustrating to feel like you have to choose sides. If you've keyed in on validation, then you're on the right path, and we can certainly support you.

... .notice Turkish's nice example of providing validation. 

Hi Lizeth,

My brother is undiagnosed BPD, and it can be very challenging to be in these family dynamics, for parents and siblings. How are you coping? Does your daughter with BPD live on her own? Turkish gave you excellent resources to read about validation, so it sounds like you have some good material to start with.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

[lever.]

Hello Lizbeth 

My older daughter has BPD and has had a very complex relationship with her sister.

It is possible to validate your daughter's feelings (eg that she feels upset and angry with her sister) without going so far as to say that she is better than her sister or that her sister is inferior in some way.

I have had to walk a tightrope in being a supportive Mum to both my daughters and I have had a lot of help and support with this on the parent's board.

I hope that you will join us there.

There are parents with both adolescent and adult children who will have had similar experiences and will want to help.

I agree that validating her feelings is a good place to start.

Trying to get her to see things differently may cause further upset.