Their choice of friends

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a nutshell, in 16 months of being together, I met her friends 4 times. Never did anything as couples unless it was my friends. Her background while married was one of priviledge, which allowed her to stay home those 15 years and take care of the kids. Her friends were all ritzy. Big jobs, big homes, big income. Me, Not so much. I have a nice home, make six figures, college educated, but Im a retired Navy guy with a bunch of tattoos. Anyway, I believed she was ashamed of me as I was not "upscale". Its the only reason I can think of as to why we did nothing much with her friends. When we did, I tried my best to fit in, Im not a wallflower by any means, but I was tolerated, not welcomed. The only constant was her BFF of 14 years who lived across the t from her and was just as toxic as my GF. Felt like this lady was living vicariously through my GF. Felt like I was dating those 2 at the same time. Funny, as my R/S with my gf circled the drain, so did my relationship with her BFF. Anyway, I was kept well away from friends and family for the most part. Its a shame no one took the time to get to know me, including my gf.

[Deeno02]

In a nutshell, in 16 months of being together, I met her friends 4 times. Never did anything as couples unless it was my friends. Her background while married was one of priviledge, which allowed her to stay home those 15 years and take care of the kids. Her friends were all ritzy. Big jobs, big homes, big income. Me, Not so much. I have a nice home, make six figures, college educated, but Im a retired Navy guy with a bunch of tattoos. Anyway, I believed she was ashamed of me as I was not "upscale". Its the only reason I can think of as to why we did nothing much with her friends. When we did, I tried my best to fit in, Im not a wallflower by any means, but I was tolerated, not welcomed. The only constant was her BFF of 14 years who lived across the t from her and was just as toxic as my GF. Felt like this lady was living vicariously through my GF. Felt like I was dating those 2 at the same time. Funny, as my R/S with my gf circled the drain, so did my relationship with her BFF. Anyway, I was kept well away from friends and family for the most part. Its a shame no one took the time to get to know me, including my gf.

[cleverusername]

I think my uBPDx's relationships with friends kind of mirrored her romantic relationships; short and intense, and I know she shared intimate details about herself with these people when she barely knew them. In the 4 months we dated I only really met her friends once each basically. The two girls she seemed to consider her best friends were people she was only really friends with for a year or less I believe, and they rarely saw one another. If I recall correctly they started out as one of her many Facebook "friends" (she is one of those people with well over 1,000, which I'm starting to think may be a bit of a red flag) and one day she needed a ride somewhere and asked on Facebook if anyone could help her out and one of them responded and gave her a ride, so they became friends and she was later introduced to the other. I really don't know how much either of these girls really knew about her... .

The funny thing about her having so few friends is she tries to make friends with almost everyone she meets. When we were on vacation in Canada she befriended multiple male strangers she (and in turn, we) met at bars. When we went to dinner to talk about and finalize our breakup she told me that she was planning to go back to Canada and hang out with them. I don't think she ever did but that was a cool thing to throw in my face 

She also tried to be friends with her married male landlord. She hung out with him a few times and went canoeing with the guy, and then it abruptly stopped, probably because the guys wife found out or something. Just goes to show how she has zero boundaries.

She also told me this sob story about how she had friends as a kid but then in 8th grade she "got cute" as she says, and her best friend started spreading rumors about her and made everyone hate her. At the time I took pity on her and believed the story, but I'm really not so sure she wasn't deserving of everyone's hate.

[RedDove]

My ex BPDbf is in his 50's. He only has one friend I'm aware of and met. During the beginning of our 4 years encounter (idealization), he introduced me to his BFF within 2 weeks of us reconnecting. We knew each other years ago in high school. Grew up and live in same small town.

We spent a weekend camping with his BFF and his girlfriend. She was very nice. BUT, after a few drinks they began letting things slip about my ex BPDbf... .Like, saying "Oh yeah, ex BPDbf and all his women! Lol" My ex BPD bf got all quiet and we never hung out as couples again.

He also kept me away from his 3 sons as well. We were together on and off for almost 4 years. He'd tell me he made plans for me to meet his sons and then "always" cancelled with an excuse or story at the last minute.

He's close with 2 of his sisters. 8 sibs in total! I only met 2 of the sisters and 1 brother... .one sister he lived with and we spent time in their shared childhood home. Met the other sister only by accident at his brother in laws wake. Met one of his brothers at his Mom's nursing home before she passed away. Again, by accident. He didn't know his brother would be there that day.

He kept his lives completely separate. That way information could not be heard, shared and lies and deceit discovered. To this day, I have no idea where he goes or how or who he spends his time with. I do know that he was "never" home or available to spend time with me. Always on the go. However, he has no interests or activities other than drinking and was always dead broke and poor! It still bewilders me! Or, perhaps he has that "many" other women and they are on some sort of rotation or visitation schedule! 

[iluminati]

My exBPDw had one legit friend she could count on, and he was an ex-boyfriend.  To be fair, by the time they rekindled their sexual relationship, she was already sleeping with other men and women, so meh.  Also, he was a nice guy to me and kept it very respectful.  The ex, on the other hand... .

The rest of the friends just came and go.  It seems like the worse they treated her, the more she kept them around.  She ended up close friends with a couple of pwBPD she met through the course of her treatment.  While they obviously had issues, they were otherwise decent people.  Of course, she disappeared on them. 

It just seems like for pwBPD, if they can't use people to meet some need or hide their issues, they're useless.  And that's why they rely on their SOs so much.

[Perdita]

It seems like the worse they treated her, the more she kept them around. 

Same with mine. 

[Leaving]

Perdita,

" Friends" usually referred to people who my husband glorified as a hero nice guy one minute and hated the next.   Nonetheless, the more they used him and disrespected him, the more he kowtowed to them.  Strange dynamics. I'm not sure what kind of ' friends' you are stuck with but is it possible to make a clean break or must you slowly distance and detach from them?

[Recooperating]

No real friends for my dBPDexbf. Just one he started hanging out with 2 yrs ago. He broke that friendship cause this guy suggested he was NPD and advised him to get help... .  My ex ofcourse painted him black immediately. Funny cause he has like 900 FB friends but only his mom and the replacement like his posts!

Sad existence... .