I kind of said I would try to also. Eventhough I didn't want to. I applied to a couple but didn't really want them. Today she emailed me saying I agreed to it and thats final.
Cipher, I struggle with this a lot too, but the wishy washy-ness causes more problems than it solves. I get saying "I'll try" and basically having an inner, unspoken intention to not actually succeed. In the moment, it seems like a good idea when confronted with the emotional person badgering you for something you don't want to do. Basically, tell them what they want to hear, and then later be able to say "I tried, but it didn't work. Nothing I can do about it." In our minds, we think that they won't have a leg to stand on to get angry about it again later.
But that's just not true. There will be drama about it later. And here's why - when we do the wishy washy thing, we aren't living true to ourselves, and it's going to come out. We'll be bitter and resentful about it, and it will affect our behavior. We also just seem weaker, and when they sense weakness, they pounce. You come off as stronger and more assertive if you just state up front "no i wont' do that" or "I'm going to do this". And stay away from the word "can't". Can't implies less choice. We always have choice. It's always "I won't" or "I will". It's more assertive.
And be prepared for the anger and the attack on the new assertiveness. It sets a boundary and she will try to break it down. You have to hold it, no matter how hard she tries to break it down. And if you hold for a while, and then give in when she escalates really bad, all that teaches her is the level of aggression she has to go to break you. She'll go straight to that level of intensity in the future. So you have to hold the boundary no matter what.
Case in point, I'll use a recent example: I'd been thinking about buying a .22lr caliber plinking rifle and teaching my son how to shoot. I'm interested in getting into hunting and having my son along side as a father/son thing. SO, in her prior marriage, had been threatened with being shot, the kids being shot, etc. by her PDxH. She has this strong emotional reaction to anything firearm related. I had decided not to buy the rifle as I had other expenses and it didn't really fit in the budget, but not because of her issues. I had told her this. She interpretted it though as I was doing what she told me to, and just not admitting it.
Well, for Xmas, my dad passed on my grandfather's .22lr rifle to me. Totally out of the blue. My grandfather taught my dad and uncle to shoot on it, and when he was backwoods TN, that rifle put a lot of rabbits in the pot to feed their family. It's a sentimenal heirloom thing, but I let SO know (she wasn't present at the time), and she got super pissed at me for "going back on my word" and "not respecting her".
In the past, I might have tried to come up with way of playing all sides, but this time, I simply stated I'd said I didn't buy one due to budget, not because I'd agreed not to get one for her, then told her I'm keeping the rifle and I'm going to clean it up as it hadn't been fired or cleaned in 40+ years, then teach my son to shoot on it, and start going to the small game hunting instructional events at the local state parks here with him. The words "those were not my words" came out of my mouth several times.
I did tell her how to keep it safe (take the bolt out and lock it up!), and it would be kept like that. She wants no ammo in the house, etc. I've simply told her no, I have an ammo box for my pistol ammo that stays locked, inside a locked footlocker. The bolt, ammo, etc. will all stay locked up safe. I simply won't allow her to tell me I can't do something I have an interest in if it doesn't involve and isn't hurting her.
This was 3 weeks ago. She's just now starting to talk to me again and be affectionate. In the process, I never yelled back, I never retaliated, I've made sure to be affectionate and loving to her, even when she was being a real b*tch to me. I just kept my distance when she was being ugly and reduced my target profile basically so she couldn't "score a hit" so to speak and otherwise stayed good to her.
In the end, it's a control thing. She has a fear rooted in a prior trauma that's very real, and it's triggering her. At the same time, her trigger has nothing to do with me, and I'm not going to let her acting out behaviors cause any kind of issue in me where I don't live true to myself. I'm guilty of that in so many ways in the past, and it's only cause more problems later when I've allowed it to happen. It doesn't mean her feelings and emotions don't matter, but you don't have to sacrifice your own wants either.
I'm as hard headed as anyone in figuring this out, but these situations really do require being willing to take what they dish out in order to not be controlled. Eventually, they will either learn your trustworthy if you stay consistent, weather the storm the bring, and still be good to them, or they'll decide, in their minds, you don't respect them or any number of other rationalized justifications that turn into painting you black, and they'll leave.
You still have live true to yourself first, within the boundaries of not hurting anyone else. If you let them scare you or guilt you into doing otherwise, all it does is set up more conflict down the road. The sooner you put your foot down and set and maintain boundaries no matter how she attacks them, the better for you, and for her. In the end, she wants a strong person to feel safe with. But she also has issues with developing that trust. In order for it to happen, you have to be strong and kind at the same time, even when she's being horrible to you. She won't respect you until you assert yourself and maintain it (in a kind and loving manner of course, but also in a firm and no nonsense manner).
