I have a daughter with BPD

[Rkmom]

Today has been a bad day. My daughter who lives in USA was diagnosed with BPD and was receiving dbt therapy till mid December when she took a break of 3 weeks to come home to India. I have been with her these last 9 months when she had depression and 2 breath downs. She seemed to have improved a small bit. Things started to go wrong from day one, with her missing her connectiing flight home. She reached home angry and crying because during the 16 hour delay she tried contacting her ex boy friend who did not respond. The next few days were manageable. On New Year's Eve she went to a relatives place for dinner and a close relative thought she was having alcohol with other young people and spoke to another relative about it. Today she had a show down with the first relative and wanted me to also back her up. I didn't do it because I thought it would make things worse. She lost her temper told me not to come back with her to the USA, abused me verbally with bad language and said that the reason for her psychological problems is me . I can handle every thing but the disrespect is something which I find hard to tolerate. This has happened before. I know I cannot abandon her but every time It is always I or my husband apologising when it really is not our fault. We support her financially. She is seperated from her husband since December 2013. How will she learn to help herself it she thinks nothing going wrong in her life is even remotely because of her reactions. My ego and hurt are preventing me from apologising.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Rkmom, & 

I'm so sorry for the troubles you are having with your daughter... .All of the parents posting on this Board know exactly what you are going through, and we are so happy you have found us! The confusion, pain and frustration that is inherent in a relationship with someone with BPD is so difficult, and when it is our child that we love and want to help and protect, it can be more than most others can understand. We understand, Rkmom... .and want to help 

How old is your daughter? Does she have any children? You say that she took a break from her DBT therapy to come home to India; when she goes back to the U.S.A. will she go back to Therapy? How long ago was she diagnosed, and how long has she been in Therapy for BPD? Sometimes it takes a while for our BPD loved ones to get a good handle on their disorder, and to see major changes for themselves in how they deal with things... .Have you seen any positive changes in her at all since her diagnosis and treatment? Lots of times I've had to really be mindful of my own BPD adult (37) son's Tiny Little Changes for the better since his being treated for his BPD to realize that things are getting better---

The last 9 months sound like they have been really difficult and traumatic--for both you and your daughter--and it can't have been easy surviving the depression and breakdowns, for either of you actually (I have survived my own son's Suicidal Ideations for more times than I care to remember!). I can imagine that she may have gotten some sort of progress going as long as she was in Therapy, and that the upheaval of leaving that and coming home to a social situation that may have felt stressful to her might have set her off. It's difficult for those of us who love our children to see all of that go on, and to deal with the repercussions of it when it includes our children blaming us for their anxiety or pain... .

Have you had the chance to read any of the links to the right-hand side of this page yet, Rkmom? THE LESSONS and the TOOLS are helpful in giving us insights into how our BPD child's mind works, and how we can better deal with them in ways that don't push all of their buttons. I do know that our child's words and actions towards us can hurt us and make us reticent of trying to make that relationship work in a different way; the information at the links mentioned might make it easier to overcome that... .I know that it did help me in that way, and it might be helpful for you, Rkmom 

[Rkmom]

Thank you Rapt Reader for your understanding. Today has been a good day with both of us apologising . It was my daughter who took the first step as soon as she woke up.I was up most of the night troubled and going through information about BPD as it's so easy to get upset and angry and forget that she has a problem and that  I and my husband may have been the reason for it. I then found this site for which I am so thankful. A few hours sleep also helped and I know that I will have bad days but that they too shall pass and that I will be there for her.

My daughter is 29 years old and has no children. Her husband was cheating on her and hence her seperation from him.  She has been in dbt therapy for only 2 months. She has been feeling depressed, has started smoking and had also gotten into a relationship with a young man who was her friend. This relationship did not last and lead to a breakdown where she burnt herself and started talking about talking her own life. That was when she got hospitalised ,got diagnosed with BPD and started dbt therapy.

The days she sees the therapist she comes back more positive and is more open to what I ask her to do like, -just try making you bed everyday. One improvement that I had seen was she started taking caring for her dog again and the other is she is more careful with money. Her therapist told her that she requires a year of therapy.

I read some of the tools provided here and will also be going through the lessons. Thank you once again .

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the update, Rkmom. And I'm happy to hear that there are some TLCs (Tiny Little Changes) you can acknowledge, cherish and build on to have some hope for the future. I don't doubt her Therapist's words, and time really can help her get her life turned around.

My own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013, and since then he is clean and sober 22 months (from a multi-year Heroin addiction), and in recovery from the BPD, and the happiest and healthiest he has been in years. So, it can be done and all of your caring and hard work (and hers) can pay off in the end