Need advise

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter (20) has been diagnosed with many things over the last few years, ADD, Depression, Substance abuse - but I now see that she has been suffering from BPD.  She is now 20 and is seeing a counselor - but she has been seeing the same person for awhile and though she is comfortable - I see no real improvement. I actually contacted the therapist myself and suggested my daughter might have BPD in the first place.   I am also tired of all of the lies, drama and abuse. She is in a very unhealthy relationship with a person that treats her badly and she is obsessed with him. I know she still smokes pot (has been in several rehabs), I have caught her shoplifting again recently, she has an obsession with her cell phone, takes pics and "snap chats", texts, for hours (even in the washroom), she is generally rude and unhappy and I never know if she is telling the truth,. etc.  She has stopped going to NA meetings - I never know if she will stop eating, go back to self injuring, etc.  She is the most abusive to me and I am the person that does everything for her.  She  lost her d.l. and totaled her car so now we drive her and pick her up at work. I started allowing her to borrow my car recently when she got her license back - but she is so erratic and irresponsible and cannot/will not follow simple rules - I am afraid she will have an accident.   I can't even have a civilized conversation with her.  She has just physically attacked me while in our parked car as I told her she could not drive my car unless she started going to at least two support meetings a week and started pitching in for car insurance (it has gone up $100 month to add her).  I have ordered some books to learn as much as I can.  I actually love my child so much but I feel as if I am losing her and I am frankly tired of being a prisoner to this.  I have raised three kids on my own and I would like some peace and happiness now. Are there any support groups, etc. that can help? We are in IL.   Thanks.

[henkimley]

My daughter (20) has been diagnosed with many things over the last few years, ADD, Depression, Substance abuse - but I now see that she has been suffering from BPD.  She is now 20 and is seeing a counselor - but she has been seeing the same person for awhile and though she is comfortable - I see no real improvement. I actually contacted the therapist myself and suggested my daughter might have BPD in the first place.   I am also tired of all of the lies, drama and abuse. She is in a very unhealthy relationship with a person that treats her badly and she is obsessed with him. I know she still smokes pot (has been in several rehabs), I have caught her shoplifting again recently, she has an obsession with her cell phone, takes pics and "snap chats", texts, for hours (even in the washroom), she is generally rude and unhappy and I never know if she is telling the truth,. etc.  She has stopped going to NA meetings - I never know if she will stop eating, go back to self injuring, etc.  She is the most abusive to me and I am the person that does everything for her.  She  lost her d.l. and totaled her car so now we drive her and pick her up at work. I started allowing her to borrow my car recently when she got her license back - but she is so erratic and irresponsible and cannot/will not follow simple rules - I am afraid she will have an accident.   I can't even have a civilized conversation with her.  She has just physically attacked me while in our parked car as I told her she could not drive my car unless she started going to at least two support meetings a week and started pitching in for car insurance (it has gone up $100 month to add her).  I have ordered some books to learn as much as I can.  I actually love my child so much but I feel as if I am losing her and I am frankly tired of being a prisoner to this.  I have raised three kids on my own and I would like some peace and happiness now. Are there any support groups, etc. that can help? We are in IL.   Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tim300]

I don't know about support groups.  But I would definitely get her paying for some of the car insurance.  My BPD ex-fiancee got in 4 relatively minor accidents in about a 1.5 year stretch.  Car accidents are actually listed as symptomatic of the disorder.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, henkimley &  

I am really sorry for all of the problems your daughter has, and for the trauma that is causing you... .I do know what you are going through; my own adult (37) son was diagnosed with everything your daughter is, and was then also given the BPD diagnosis in April 2013 after a stay in our hospital's Psych Ward due to a serious Suicidal Ideation and subsequent 21-day stay in an In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program (where he got the BPD diagnosis). He is now 22 months clean and sober, after a multi-year Heroin addiction which contributed to the severe Suicidal Ideation. His story (and mine) is linked to in the signature line at the bottom of this post, and I want you to know that there is hope, henkimley

This link may be able to help you find a support group local to you: NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, where you can use a search bar to find something in your location. In the meantime, please keep telling us more of your situation, and reading all you can on this site. Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS are wonderful for giving us an idea of what is going on in our BPD kids' minds, and for helping us learn how to communicate with them in ways that can help them, and help our relationships with them--by showing us how not to push every one of their buttons... .

Please tell us what you think of that information, and let us help you, henkimley