Im back

[tristesse]

HELLO everybody. I am back in the game after a short Hiatus. My life had become uncontrollably complicated and I needed to take respite and make some changes. I took a break from everything BPD related ( including my DD ) and from all stressors in general. MY DH and I decided to find each other again, and work on us, I am happy to say we accomplished our goal.

Last time I posted,  my DD had caused so much drama that my DH was moving out and was having serious health issues, my own health was suffering, and I have the added responsibility of an aged and ailing father. There had been rage after rage and my world was crumbling.

I am happy to report that I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally after my break, as is my DH, and some changes were made at home. My DD is still in the home, however I think she is completely clear on the way things are going to be from now on. I don't expect it to be perfect, I know there will be slip ups and bouts of dysregulation, but things are looking up.

I just wanted to post to let you all know I'm still here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

Welcome back!

Glad to hear that things are on the upswing.

[lever.]

So pleased to see you here Tristesse  -and I'm glad things are better.

[llbee814]

So very happy for you and your dh, Tristesse!   

[jellibeans]

Welcome back! I for one would like a bit more detail on how you managed this all. Please fill us in. I could use some insight as I am struggling big time.

[Kate4queen]

Good for you both.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm very glad to hear this, tristesse 

My life had become uncontrollably complicated and I needed to take respite and make some changes. I took a break from everything BPD related ( including my DD ) and from all stressors in general. MY DH and I decided to find each other again, and work on us, I am happy to say we accomplished our goal.

I've found that if things are very good between my Husband and me, we can overcome almost anything, because anything else tends to be less important to our happiness. I think you did the right thing!

[tristesse]

Thank you all for the welcome back.

@jellibeans, I did nothing extraordinary, I simply just quit! DH and I decided that our marriage was important, 32 years is a lot to give up on, so we calmly talked to  our DD, we told her before the conversation started that it would be unpleasant, but that she would be required to keep still and hear us out, if she were to lose control, she would be required to leave immediately, no exceptions.

We then told her that she was very important to us and that she definitely mattered, and that we are not kicking her out. We have just decided that we matter too, and that our relationship was important, and since we are in different type of relationship than the one we have with our child, we have decided that our marriage is our focus, We will concentrate on us and what makes us work. I made it very clear that she is not being abandoned, but she will not be my focus any longer. I pointed out that she herself has a child to love and care for, she is 31 years old, and the natural course in life, is for her to grow as person and become independent. I told her she will not be allowed to continue an indefinite residency in my home, and she must start working on independence and self sufficiency, I will not do it for her, but will be there to guide her and advise her.

DH and I then spent a week together re-connecting.

There have been a few minor issues, and 1 really bad episode, but she gained control rather quickly as I reminded her that she will be required to leave my home immediately  if she couldn't learn to control her emotional rages and outbursts.

I will add that, during each conversation, I displayed no emotion of any kind, and tried to keep my face unreadable and blank. I will also add, that my tone of voice was also very level, not much inflection or change in tone.

I hope this helps you, I know everybody's situations are different, so the answers are different. But if any of it helps. Im happy. I will say 1 more thing, The changes were made primarily in me, not my DD. I had to make changes in me, and in my behaviors and thought processes. I quit letting BPD control me and my life.

[SlyQQ]

I have found threatening to "throw them out " helped a lot to

[jellibeans]

You have come a long way tristesse. I am happy you have come to a place where you are confident in your actions and are using your need skills. You need to post of the break through thread. You should go back and read your introductory post too... .things have improved greatly for you.