My therapist says my H has some BPD AND NPD traits. What do I do now?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,

I saw a therapist last week who is well versed on borderlines and narcissists... She said he indeed has some borderline and some Narc in his behavior... So now what? I have been doing tons of reading up on Narcissism and watching videos to learn what I can. I'm not really sure how he fits into a BPD except that when I pull away he seems to step up his nice behavior and clingy behavior but its subtle, no where near the crying, clinging , stay with me behaviors I see on the list. In a big way- he actually just goes on to do his own life as he sleeps at our office during the week.  Then when he sees me and is in a good mood, he teases and comes in my face in a flirty way asking me when am I going to connect with him.  "I'm trying to connect" he says... and smiles and moves away.  It's been 2 months since we connected intimately because the more I know the harder it is to just allow that connection when nothing has changed on his part.

I was following and learning more from Sam Vaknin's videos on Narcissism ("Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)... and when he talked about anger- "is it being pissed off or Narc rage?"  it was very similar and clear for me that he displays Narc rage... but i have some questions about this.  If someone isn't all full out PD- is there hope of recovery?  If they only display some of the traits is it considered a disorder?  If not is there hope?  Can they learn from books like High Conflict Couples and similar strategy techniques?

How do I know if this in't just learned behavior from his family as they all seem to behave similarly?

Maybe he just always got by this way and really doesn't get that it's a problem because it's so ingrained and I have somewhat tolerated it for 2 decades...

The transverse side of this is, I sometimes call him an ass or whatever and I stomp off periodically just to get away from his onslaught. I rethink and then somehow I always end up thinking I did something wrong because I do... I too get exasperated at his BS and react... I notice I tend to freeze up and get all in my head trying to decide when I should put my coat on and leave when he starts his tirades... it's often...   I feel very PTSS or PTSD.  How do I know I don't have this BPD too?

I posted before and could use some help on this... not sure if my writing is clear  or not I often find it hard to organize my thoughts on paper...

Thanks

P2

[progress2]

Hello Everyone,

I saw a therapist last week who is well versed on borderlines and narcissists... She said he indeed has some borderline and some Narc in his behavior... So now what? I have been doing tons of reading up on Narcissism and watching videos to learn what I can. I'm not really sure how he fits into a BPD except that when I pull away he seems to step up his nice behavior and clingy behavior but its subtle, no where near the crying, clinging , stay with me behaviors I see on the list. In a big way- he actually just goes on to do his own life as he sleeps at our office during the week.  Then when he sees me and is in a good mood, he teases and comes in my face in a flirty way asking me when am I going to connect with him.  "I'm trying to connect" he says... and smiles and moves away.  It's been 2 months since we connected intimately because the more I know the harder it is to just allow that connection when nothing has changed on his part.

I was following and learning more from Sam Vaknin's videos on Narcissism ("Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)... and when he talked about anger- "is it being pissed off or Narc rage?"  it was very similar and clear for me that he displays Narc rage... but i have some questions about this.  If someone isn't all full out PD- is there hope of recovery?  If they only display some of the traits is it considered a disorder?  If not is there hope?  Can they learn from books like High Conflict Couples and similar strategy techniques?

How do I know if this in't just learned behavior from his family as they all seem to behave similarly?

Maybe he just always got by this way and really doesn't get that it's a problem because it's so ingrained and I have somewhat tolerated it for 2 decades...

The transverse side of this is, I sometimes call him an ass or whatever and I stomp off periodically just to get away from his onslaught. I rethink and then somehow I always end up thinking I did something wrong because I do... I too get exasperated at his BS and react... I notice I tend to freeze up and get all in my head trying to decide when I should put my coat on and leave when he starts his tirades... it's often...   I feel very PTSS or PTSD.  How do I know I don't have this BPD too?

I posted before and could use some help on this... not sure if my writing is clear  or not I often find it hard to organize my thoughts on paper...

Thanks

P2

[EaglesJuju]

According to the DSM, 5 out of 9 diagnostic criteria is needed to diagnose a PD.  Although someone may not qualify for all the diagnostic criteria, they still can have many of these traits and maladaptive behavior. There are treatment options for both NPD and BPD that are considered effective.  The efficacy of treatment is reliant on the patient's receptiveness and desire to change the behavior.  Individuals who may or may not possess certain PD traits may be more receptive to treatment. 

I am not familiar with that particular book but, keep in mind you cannot force or try to change a disordered person.  Only they can take the steps to change their behavior. 

As for learned behavior, many of the maladaptive traits of PD disorders are considered learned behaviors as a result from their environment; typically family.   

Although "diagnosing" and trying to place your SO into a typology, may seem like a viable solution.  It is better to focus on what behaviors are affecting you and learn about them.  Many of the clusters of PDs  tend to overlap; especially cluster b PDs (NPD, BPD, HPD, ASPD).  Without assessment tools or a professional opinion, you really cannot know. 

I can understand how you could be worried that you might have BPD.  I think it is like the Med school syndrome, reading and learning about it so much and thinking you have it.  The only way you will find out is to speak to a therapist.

[progress2]

Thank you for your help Eaglesjuju.

That clears some things up.  I followed those videos further. They are really helpful.  I also read more and more and I feel quite confident that tho I may have some behaviors that I'm not happy about it seems they are healthy responses to the craziness I (we) live.  They are transient and non-threatening... I can quite clearly see the difference now...

P2