The "I want so you can't" and what I like to call "2 degrees to screw her over".

[french toast]

She's taking a nap so I have a few minutes: It's been a few weeks since the last emotional hijacking but I'm seeing the signs of it's return.  There are 2 fixations I'm seeing in my dBPDw; the first what I call "I want so you can't" simply put, if she wants it, but I am about to experience it without or before her, I should not have the experience until we can experience it at the same time.  She has a day working on a project and I want to take the kids to the walking mall and out to lunch, I can't do that because she wants to go too but since she has to work the three of us can't go.  It can even be reversed, if a friend calls at 7pm while we're putting the kids to bed, and tells us he has 1 extra ticket to see a concert tonight, there's no way for child care and only one can go, if I say "Honey take the ticket and go have a great time" she'll hear me say "Honey, take the ticket and get away from me because I don't want to spend time with you!" and then because of the way she twists it now if I even hint that I would take the ticket it would send her into a rage. To really boil it down it's feeling like if I even attempt to do something with anyone, the kids, a friend, anyone without her it must be because I don't want to be around her, not because that in any healthy relationship there must be some boundaries and individual behavior.

The other is the "2 degrees to screw her over" she can take anything positive and turn it into how she gets screwed over in 2 sentences. She was working on a project with a trainee and the trainee said that anytime she wanted to teach her more or give her more responsibilities she would love it.  I hear that as a positive.  My wife sent herself into a rage about how this trainee just told her she wanted to "take her business from her and move her out!"  Really, it was an hour rage about how she thought her trainee was out move her out of her own business.  We were talking the other day about our oldest daughter (who is not my biological child but I have raised her since she was 3, she's 10 now) I remarked out loud with a smile on my face about how proud I was of her and how there were certain things about her personality that reminded me so much of myself when I was 10.  Her face changed to a frown and yelled "well she's me too!"  ugggg.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi French Toast,

I understand how frustrating a pwBPD's behavior can be sometimes.    The "I want so you can't" behavior seems like it triggers your wife's abandonment fears. PwBPD tend to associate you doing something without them, as you thinking that they are "bad" or "unwanted." I have had a similar problem with my pwBPD. When coping/discussing this type of behavior, I use communication tools.    Perhaps you can try to discuss this with her using communication tools?  Here is an article on validation that helped me.  Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it