Was she really even BPD?

[JRT]

Its been 3 months since my our b/u and my research has brought me here regarding my ex. I have read many of the accounts on this board as well as 'Walking on Eggshells' and there is  a significant amount of evidence that my ex is BPD that I have gleaned from here and other sources.

Certainly the conditions that give rise to a Borderline (childhood trauma was present) were there and ESPECIALLY the way that she broke up (suddenly, out of no where, no contact or explanation. painting me black to friends and family, etc.) We also have 'lite' versions of the past breakup where we had recycled several times in the past.

However, as I read many of the accounts here, I otherwise see almost radical differences with my relationship versus what I have been reading from others.

              -almost all the accounts that I have read involve significant verbal and physical aggression by the BPD against their partner. My ex internalized everything and never really             made any complaints at all if ever. We had few arguments if any... .life was good, but I knew that her not expressing herself was a problem. 

              -likewise, although I felt that she had a strange fixation with food (no hobbies or interests to speak of other than eating, food, restaurants and the Food Channel), there were none of the other signs of acting out or acting in such as harming herself (though she had a cousin who did), promiscuity, drugs or alcohol abuse etc. She was pretty normal in this regard

              -upon breakup, i see that its almost a universal truth that the BPD immediately finds a new partner if she doesn't already have one lined up. While anything is possible, upon previous breakups she was emphatic that there was no one else and I believed her.

I don't know if these are irrelevant to confirming BPD or not. Anyone have a similar situation?

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate to some of what you say as my husband doesn't usually have full on rages. He tends to internalize things. His "rage" tends to come out in small passive/aggressive ways. He nitpicks and is critical but it isn't the over the top type stuff that some of the people have described.

I think my husband tends to fit the waif/hermit type rather than the more over the top obvious behaviors. I wonder all the time whether or not he is really BPD or if all of his problems stem from his sex addiction. I am hesitant to believe that it is the addiction alone. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if he is BPD or not. I find the tools and support here to be very helpful because it helps me to better understand him as well as myself. It takes some of the craziness out of the crazy. 

I think whether or not BPD is present in a person is irrelevant at times. The bigger question for me is: Does this information help me or not?

[Copperfox]

I struggle with this question sometimes myself.  BPD is a spectrum disorder, so different people exhibit different traits, and to different degrees.

One thing that really helped me was writing down, to the best of my memory, all the bad things, the weird things, the stories that didn't add up, the rages ... .I felt like we had a great relationship, but when I wrote all that down in one place, and read it back over, it was kind of shocking.  Therapeutic even.  It really helped me to get past the romanticizing of the relationship, and of her.

[hurting300]

What does it matter if they are BPD or not? If someone treats you bad then they are bad right?

[JRT]

On one hand I would agree... .but for the way that I am wired, understanding what happened and why it happened is therapeutic to me.

@Vortex... .mine was likely a waif as well... .there were NEVER any arguments or disagreements outside of the recycle cycles. I know that she had internal struggles: I saw how she internalized them, how she tried to conceal anxiety attacks, how uncomfortable she was in certain situations (she looked like she was just about to shatter into a thousand pieces sometimes), the insomnia, sporadic acne and other medical/psychosomatic problems. But since she never found an outlet for them in me or anyone else (she had but few friendships and even those were push/pull and on/off) it didn't come as any surprise (in hindsight) that something like this might have happened... .at least.

Really, the breakup behavior is what makes her match BPD the most... .not really sure about the other stuff.

[hurting300]

On one hand I would agree... .but for the way that I am wired, understanding what happened and why it happened is therapeutic to me.

@Vortex... .mine was likely a waif as well... .there were NEVER any arguments or disagreements outside of the recycle cycles. I know that she had internal struggles: I saw how she internalized them, how she tried to conceal anxiety attacks, how uncomfortable she was in certain situations (she looked like she was just about to shatter into a thousand pieces sometimes), the insomnia, sporadic acne and other medical/psychosomatic problems. But since she never found an outlet for them in me or anyone else (she had but few friendships and even those were push/pull and on/off) it didn't come as any surprise (in hindsight) that something like this might have happened... .at least.

Really, the breakup behavior is what makes her match BPD the most... .not really sure about the other stuff.

I actually agree with that. I guess everyone has their own way of healing.