Boy is this forum helpful- I'm really getting it and its helping me not feel so

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I'm really getting it and its helping me not feel so messed up.

After reading the posts and reading other materials on abusive relationships. I can more clearly see the distinct patterns of behavior... I can see what is really his even though everything is blamed on me... but now I can slough it off... I can not feel guilty because of my reactions... I can have less reactions so I am in control... I can see the reactions are pointless.  I feel quite foolish as I haven't had any help from a therapist about any of this prior.  I feel I have done everything to sort this out and yet I didn't put my finger on it until I found this page.  I have read so many books and now I understand - he cannot in any way see the world the way I do... He is def a NARC with some BPD traits of 0-90 in 4 seconds... but because it doesn't fit perfectly into either category I felt there was too much room to assume his behaviors were on and I was off...


The sad thing is now I feel sorry for him and feel a big loss of hope, but I am trying to make new decisions to have something to fall back on.  For me now, it's like he is gone already even tho I see him daily... His little smiles are hard to take in... my boundaries are in place and this makes it difficult to enjoy him... but I am stronger because of it... I can't get involved and taken down so easily now... Before I was counting on him and fantasizing we would be in love... and hoping he would show he cared in ways I needed, or validated me, or stopped blaming me for SOMETHING... He does show he cares... but not like most people would... but is that enough? DO I need to live with the criticism, blame and ridicule?  The weird instantaneous temper tantrums, the rants and the threats of leaving me in a?  I suddenly really feel I am living with a defective person... Funny looking back - drugs seemed normal - we were artists... but now its not so normal nor so cute nor so fun... It turned into a 16 yr habit for him... We've been together for 22 yrs... blegh...

I work and have a really good gig presently... but it is an unusual gig and it could fall apart at any time.  I got lucky which is the short of it. I never had a good income as I was the wife who stayed with the kids.   So now I realize anything could happen, literally so I finally have decided to go back to school at 52... I am going to do it (regardless of debt) and do it knowing that I need something to rely on in case my gig falls apart... and really it has fallen apart.  It goes around in circles... we do ok - barely but do ok... then a drop something happens and he can't account for why we have zero money left in our account... uh oh, crisis, blame, heartache... .try to recover...  But now I know it will go around and around and around forever till I change the game.  He won't leave... He is making less than I am and that means he has to go back to an office job which he hates... But - he hates every job... and I get that... but we all have to work...

So regardless of the day to day nonsense to which I am more and more detached and refuse to internalize.  I will focus on me and move MY life forward...  I just needed to get this out there... Hope it helps others... and hope it helps me when I slide backward... For now, onward.

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to respond and tell you that I know how you feel. I found this site about 6 months ago. When I found it, I was pretty sure that I was the one with the problem. As I read through stuff in the very beginning, I was wondering if I was the one with BPD or if it was my husband.

I had stumble upon a book about verbal abuse about a year ago. I read it and was completely stunned because it described so many things that I had experienced. My husband isn't the over the top sort. He is very quiet in is craziness. It isn't rages as much as it is snappiness and overall grumpiness. For years, there were all sorts of excuses to justify his "grumpiness". The truth is that he is very self centered.

I have been making lists of things that I want to accomplish. I got another job and used the money from that to open my own bank account that he cannot access. I have another job where those funds go into the joint account.

And I want to say congratulations on making the decision to go back to school. My mom is in her sixties and just finished up her bachelor's degree! You can do it!

This site has a treasure trove of resources and the people here are absolutely wonderful.