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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I Finally Broke Free.  (Read 1699 times)
anxiety5
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« on: January 20, 2015, 11:47:22 PM »

I feel amazing. The depression I anticipated, hasn't come. The sadness, I felt for so long, has eased. I'm at peace for the first time in over a year. I ended things for the final time.

I wanted to share with you my experience so hopefully it can help someone out there struggling as I did.

There is one single solitary realization that snapped me out of the Fog. I consider myself an intelligent, intuitive person with common sense. For so so so long, I was hyper fixated on fixing our relationship. On improving communication. On easing the constant chaos. On trying to not build resentment. My anxiety was off the charts. I was in a consistent fight or flight state. Hyper focused on her activities, behaviors and actions. Always waiting for the final shoe to drop. Things were getting bad. Bad than they already were before. I needed a way out.

For the first time in my life I sought a counselor. There was nobody I could unload the enormity of what I had experienced on a friend or family member. The looks. The shock. The perplexed faces. The over simplicity of their answers, "just leave" They didn't understand. Furthermore, when I audibly heard the things I had experienced, I myself felt even worse about everything. So there it stayed bottled up. The only outlet I had to discuss anything with was the very person making me crazy to begin with.

As I sorted over things with the counselor, I finally had validation. "You are being emotionally abused" I was told. She made me realize something so simple, that I have missed. So hyper focused on the in's and out's I had missed a startling observation that in a single moment changed everything for me. That thing, is the pathological relationship agenda of the NPD/BPD person

I was always on edge. Always anxious. The bad seemed to always come at the edge of our best times. I tried to fix things, I gave in, I gave more. I talked circles in logical ways, about how to make things work. She heard me. She heard all of it. She even would agree sometimes to most of what I said. I'd use analogies to try and make her see things in terms of her perspective, almost a way of transferring empathy by taking my pain and applying it into something she could relate to (which is only things involving her) No progress. She would hear it all, yet never agree to try harder, to work on things, it was always a fruitless and pointless discussion.

What I failed to realize is so simple. While I was wasting my life away trying to improve our relationship, to get her to see the way her behaviors and actions were driving me crazy and a wedge between us, she was actually feeding off of it. I wasn't on edge because of my failures. I wasn't on edge because of coincidence or even because of our issues. I was on edge because she wanted me to be on edge. The hyper fixation on everything actually was by design. 100% energy focused on her, to feed off of. To bleed me dry. My mind was blown.

I always viewed our relationship like something broken, that simply needed to be fixed. Even the fall outs I blamed the BPD/NPD traits, rather than ever consider the fact it was intentional. Perhaps not malicious intent, but it doesn't have to be. It's a pathology. It's all she knows. It's the relationships she was around as a child.

Your view of a relationship may as well be Chinese if you compare it to their view of relationships. Where you view meeting someone, falling in love, waking up together, passionate nights together, traveling together, maybe raising a family, growing old together and living live as a couple, they don't. They may conceptually understand it, just as you understand conceptually that someone is speaking chinese. It doesn't mean you understand what they are saying.

I was love bombed into a physical relationship, I was taken. I was adored. And from then on I was conditioned to accept more abuse, overt: cheating, not showing up, not listening, undermining comments, contradictions, shunning, cold shoulder, or covert: controlled through sex, conditioned to give more. conditioned to accept less. pushed/pulled, lied to, gaslighted.

I believe the goal of hers was to get me to a place where we had no obligatory label on us as a relationship, where we hung out on her terms, when she wanted, where she could have sex, and a person chasing her, where she could assign the blame for things failing to me to scapegoat herself, justify her actions and keep me chasing her. All the while she began seeking new sources of supply. That is where things were headed.

But I got the final say in that.

When I realized the simple concept that all my time wasted fixating on the specifics was not a cause of our trouble, but the actual intention of the chaos, I stopped playing.

Almost 2 weeks ago I changed my number. I blocked all communications by email. I threw out every single solitary thing she had ever given me, or we had acquired together. I took every single email, text, picture off my phone and computer and onto a external hard drive and locked it in a closet upstairs. And I began to forcefully concentrate on other things. I joined the gym, I'm continuing with the counselor, I set up activities with friends a couple nights a week, I go to different grocery stores and avoid the usual places I frequented, I'm spending more time with my extended family. I'm flying home to see old friends next weekend and have a trip planned every month for the next 3.

It took 10 days. And guess what? She was at my house in the morning crying hysterically, begging to come in. She told me she loved me, she needed me, I was the best guy she ever knew. All I could think looking at her, was how this person only appreciates me when I leave. This isn't real. This is her fear of abandonment, not love. I looked at her and I said, what we had was great. It's over now. I need to get ready for work, and I need you to not come back anymore. She said, you'll miss me (in a way as if she was going to prove something) I told her, look." Let me tell you something right now. You can go out with whoever you want. Tonight, tomorrow and every other day from now until eternity. I don't care. We aren't together anymore, I hope you find happiness, have at it. It doesn't affect me anymore. I don't want this." 

She instantly stopped crying. Looked at me in disbelief, I had to fight the smile breaking from my face. As she stared at me, I broke the silence with "It's over. Just go, ok?" And she turned and left.

It was empowering. I took control back. I drew a boundary. I enforced it. I made a choice, no more. The fog cleared and I could see what had happened. It was emotional abuse. It was pathological. It was intentional. And our relationship was a lie.

I could waste time assuming that I'm some broken person, but I'm not. She did not break me. No person can break my will. Screw her. Screw her bull___. Screw her chaos. The world is full of good and decent people, and a few bad apples. I got one. I was taken. I was played with. But my core never rotted. It remained intact. And in the end I have a vast resovoir of personal experience and knowledge I gained to understand my errors which I will never make again. In the end, I regained control of my life and by enforcing a boundary, I won.

Life is too short people. All the cliche's about the fog lifting, that stuff is TRUE AND IT'S REAL. I know because it happened to me. No different than a person being removed away from a cult, you must get the hell away from the person driving you crazy. It's intentional. And it's a choice to stay on board. It took me days, not weeks to get rest, to speak to a counselor who guided me through my own thoughts and to realize how abusive this person was. That realization did not break me, it inspired me. These people are WEAK they are not strong. YOU are strong. You have tolerated levels of bs and stress that they could never handle without a full fledged break down. REALIZE this and USE it to your advantage. You are the strong one, NOT them. And all it takes for you to see that is self empowerment and refusing to go along with the roller coaster another minute.

Much the same way we preach about them, that actions are louder than words. So to does that play into us. I told her I was leaving a hundred times, and I now realize she didn't believe me. But when I finally meant it. When I changed my number, when I sought counseling, when I refused to contact her, when I took the energy I was investing in fixing something that was broken by design and instead used it to focus on anything BUT her, I was free. And as the fog continues to lift each day, I see the ridiculousness of what I tolerated. I did not love her. I thought I did. How can anyone love someone that treats them like garbage, plays on their fears, controls them, dictates to them, keeps them on edge and emotionally abuses them? I was conditioned to feel that way by her actions. It was all a lie. But I'm able to walk from this nonsense, empowered. It was ME who split, screw her.

Not another day. and Never again.

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christin5433
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2015, 12:37:00 AM »

Good deal I hear you was in same boat logical discussions of how we could try to be nice to each other, use words to communicate better, less aggressive tones, Id use analogies too I chuckle while writing this to help us find a way to have a healthier connection . I seriously tried to do things to keep her happy clean her car on weekends,  take care of kids while shed sleep in on weekends.  I remember when I would climb in bed with her and try to get playful and I got conditioned to never bother her. I was so afraid to come near her unless she gave me a response of its ok. It was way off. I'd explain she controlled affection ...

The fact is it was a mess. On top of it all the emotional blackmail and verbal put downs. Respect was something I had to actually teach her. Empathy or compassion was nil and void unless I shut Down myself. Endless stuff like this. Been out of this r/s a month. I'm getting through it. I too don't answer calls, texts or want to know where she's at and avoid places I may run into her. I was called manipulative and controlling in the end . I guess I was if I really get honest... Manipulating a better life together through kindness and love. And controlling ya who wouldn't try to have some semblance of normal. As for the ultimate control she had it. But now that she's gone which was my biggest fear... .I realize I my fear has now turned out to be false. It's not so scary on the other side it's actually freedom from total crazy
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Recooperating
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2015, 04:43:06 AM »

What an inspirational post! It's exactly what I went through too! The endless patience and discussions about how to treat people, how to solve issues and conflict (with me, bosses, friends) in a constructive way. Always searching for the underlying emotion with him to see where the behaviour came from. Such a conversation could take hours, he would agree only to show the same behaviours a couple of days later... .I was like a mother teaching a child how to cope with the world, only he was 40 years old.

I tried and tried and there came a point where I was so exhausted and tired of it all that I couldnt take the high road anymore. I became nasty and yelled back when he would rage, cried screamed... .It all cane crumbling down. Then he cheated and moved in with another woman still being in a rs with me. I found out because his dysfunction got worse and he accused me of cheating with my best female friend... .(Ridicolous!) it was clear projection. He came back and left her, under the condition he would seek help. He had a really bad episode where he tried to take his life (pretended) and we ended up in a physicall fight. Thats when he got diagnosed BPD. It gave me hope, cause I now knew what the problem was, he wasnt just an a/hole, he was sick. He went to T for a couple if weeks, but didnt take it serious. I had been in T for a while for my own issues... .One day he came back with the story that his T said I indeed was a lesbian and he raged and raged... .I called his T and she was flabbergasted, she never said anything of the sort. It was all part of the manipulation plan to paint his T black, cause 2 weeks later he came back with a story that his T (65 year old female) had tried to hit on him blah blah blah... .All BS... .He quit therapy and got worse... .Thats when I had to end it, a month before we would get married... .

That was 5 months ago. Nc now for 3 months What I really appreciate about your story is the part where you say it was intentional unconsious or not... .It was all part of the "please give me attention" game. He said he wanted to change, but didnt want to cause he got the most attention this way. Thank you for sharing that. It was a piece of the puzzle that I had missed. I still felt somewhat guilty of leaving a mentally ill (N/BPD) person. As much as I had read in the rs about BPD, CBT, therapy, SET and all that, as much as I tried to change my ways to handle him better, he never really wanted to change, cause he got the most out of me this way. Everything, my whole life became about "fixing" this. My bad ofcourse, my part in this dysfunctional dance... .Something I will never do again... ."Trying to raise" my SO... .

Its true what you say about the chinese metaphor. My ex's mother was married 8 times. He, his grandparents, his uncle and his mom lived in one house together and there was always chaos and fights. He never knew his father untill the age of 12. He's used to this... .I am not and I dont want to be ever! My parents are still together and never did we have big fights, screaming, yelling in the house. We were the opposite, we avoided conflict... .

Anyway thank you anxiety 5 for this missing piece in my recovery. We are the strong ones and we will get passed this! Time will heal all wounds... .


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FlyingAway
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2015, 07:57:11 AM »

Thank you, Anxiety5, for an excellent post. You have written about my experience with my xBPD verbatim. I'm at 94 days NC, and have been working through the knowledge that she was playing my emotions for her own unhealthy sustenance. It wasn't about me, and my bloody bargaining for the sake of one-sided love with a 42-year old who had never had a long-term relationship before ours was a war in futility. I'm still recovering from the scars, and though the wound is not as painful as it was during the battle and immediately afterward, when it was constantly opening and bleeding, the scars will be there for my lifetime.

I'm doing the work. Have been seeing a therapist for a year, meditating, writing and painting, and seeing friends and family. These are helping me to see my own strength, which has always been with me, but obscured over the last many years, when my attention was outside of myself, rather than OF myself.

You've described this illness, and the impact it has on us perfectly.
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Swiggle
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« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2015, 08:18:37 AM »

What an awesome post! So glad you were able to take back your control and move forward with confidence.
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“The value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.” ~ Carson McCullers
Whitebread

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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2015, 08:54:07 AM »

WOW Anxiety5!

Thank you for such a clear and inspiring post!

I'm feeling --lighter --somehow after reading it, and stronger. 

I've saved it to refer to in low times, and I will.

Best to you and your brighter future! Being cool (click to insert in post)
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christin5433
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« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2015, 09:55:20 AM »

Such good feedback . I think alot of us was wasting energy trying to teach these BPD exs how to behave . Exhausting . Then wasting our minds wondering why they didn't understand also exhausting .

The funny thing is with people she wasn't close to she acted pretty good. I remember asking her to be polite and introduce us in social settings it was horrible for to ask for such a minor politeness. I think we had several hundred arguments over that.

My mantra today is and it's kinda relieving , it's my fault for letting someone treat me like this.

I need to stop looking at this from a victim perspective even though I think we all kinda are. I mean it sounds like we all tried to function with a very rude person .

I was the one always called rude though ?

I knew it was not true but if someone says it enough your brain tells you you are that.

I let that happen to me. I could have said, no more.

I should have cared about myself to not be put through a constant abuse.

Yes good times too but so inconsistent , never just surprised me that life was moving in a positive direction and we were on the same team. I never felt trust completely . If I did it was my own coping mechanisms of denial and fantasy
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raisins3142
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« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2015, 12:22:06 PM »

Great post.

A few other folks here spoke about having to "teach" their BPDex how to behave.  I did the same thing.  I realized I did not want to be with someone that had to be taught why it was not okay to do things like ignore me and flirt with men in front of me.

After the break up, she asked me to get back together and tell her what to do, how to act more.

My quote was something along the lines of "I wouldn't want a house sitter that I had to explain to why you should not walk around my house in muddy boots or leave the toilet unflushed".
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anxiety5
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2015, 12:30:35 PM »

Such good feedback . I think alot of us was wasting energy trying to teach these BPD exs how to behave . Exhausting . Then wasting our minds wondering why they didn't understand also exhausting .

The funny thing is with people she wasn't close to she acted pretty good. I remember asking her to be polite and introduce us in social settings it was horrible for to ask for such a minor politeness. I think we had several hundred arguments over that.

My mantra today is and it's kinda relieving , it's my fault for letting someone treat me like this.

I need to stop looking at this from a victim perspective even though I think we all kinda are. I mean it sounds like we all tried to function with a very rude person .

I was the one always called rude though ?

I knew it was not true but if someone says it enough your brain tells you you are that.

I let that happen to me. I could have said, no more.

I should have cared about myself to not be put through a constant abuse.

Yes good times too but so inconsistent , never just surprised me that life was moving in a positive direction and we were on the same team. I never felt trust completely . If I did it was my own coping mechanisms of denial and fantasy

I think it's ok to allow yourself to realize you are a victim. There is somehow less tolerance for emotional vs. physical abuse in society, but they are equally damaging. Psychological abuse may actually be worse, at least with physical abuse can maintain a physical boundary and know you are safe.

When someone purposely leads you on in order to extract your emotional energy, lies to you, cheats on you, learns your vulnerabilities to exploit them and then sadistically without any care for your well being, relentlessly breaks you down, how can we not say we are victims of abuse? We are.

What's important is to learn from it and not let it happen again. I learned so much. Take relationships very very slow. Never give up my personal life to someone else. Don't try and solve someone else's problems for them. Know your self worth. If someone continuously lies to you, manipulates you, belittles you, or cheats on you, leave them. There is a psychology to conditioning of the victim, and the barbs we are hooked with that is very deep. What feels like love to us is actually obsession, and eventually we become the junkies they are, because we are hooked on the adrenaline these people make us feel.

I think of it this way, If I started using drugs and became hooked and a junky, yes I'm not a victim. But, if I go out for a drink with the best of intentions and they spike my drink with some drug that causes addiction, fear, anxiety, etc, and that person who does this, monopolizes my time while Im intoxicated to isolate me and holds the supply of more drug that I'm addicted to, and that was their intention all along, how can we not view this as a predator/prey type of scenario.

What took a lot of courage though is to realize I was in a fog. To refuse more drug. And to not only know that the withdrawl was coming, but to fight my way through it back to reality, and refuse another hit no matter how much I wanted to.

Only then, when we are psychologically "sober" can we view this scenario and see how bad we were treated, manipulated and screwed with in such calculated fashion that you can read about it in psychological manuals because it's that pathological.

We are victims. All of us. But the question is, do we have the strength to refuse any more?

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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2015, 12:59:09 PM »

I think of it this way, If I started using drugs and became hooked and a junky, yes I'm not a victim. But, if I go out for a drink with the best of intentions and they spike my drink with some drug that causes addiction, fear, anxiety, etc, and that person who does this, monopolizes my time while Im intoxicated to isolate me and holds the supply of more drug that I'm addicted to, and that was their intention all along, how can we not view this as a predator/prey type of scenario.

You may find this workshop helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0
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pseudotsuga

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« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2015, 01:04:45 AM »

Thanks for your story, anxiety5. I need to read stuff like this! Hope you are doing well, now!
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anxiety5
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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2015, 01:07:15 AM »

Thanks for your story, anxiety5. I need to read stuff like this! Hope you are doing well, now!

Entering week 3 no contact. I left some messages on the leaving board updating my situation. I'm doing well man thanks! Same to you.

One day at a time. I know there will be set backs, but I'm determined to not be defeated
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