I just reached a breaking point

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just couldn't stand to hear my uBPDbf tell me "He's Unhappy!"  How he was just going to get through the holiday's and then decide.  How I'm the one who doesn't care, etc.

So I told him... . "Maybe he's not happy, because it is HIM, not ME."  Everything revolves around him.  Our plans on the weekend are what he wants to do, with his friends.  It's NEVER me.  When I do take any time, like with my D9 after he has already left, etc. he gives me silent treatment, cold shoulder, etc.

If there is a family event for me, he doesn't want to go, but yet when he's there he is all friendly and smiles etc.

If something doesn't work, needs to be fixed in OUR house, I am responsible to call the repairman or figure out how to fix it.  He can't even "plunge" a toilet and when I say why "I get don't bother me with that!"

I just reached a breaking point!... .

He refuses to leave... . Even though I am the one with a child living with us, he believes I should leave.   He doesn't even take care of the house, decorate, etc.  

I am not leaving and creating upset for my child.

[FigureIt]

I just couldn't stand to hear my uBPDbf tell me "He's Unhappy!"  How he was just going to get through the holiday's and then decide.  How I'm the one who doesn't care, etc.

So I told him... . "Maybe he's not happy, because it is HIM, not ME."  Everything revolves around him.  Our plans on the weekend are what he wants to do, with his friends.  It's NEVER me.  When I do take any time, like with my D9 after he has already left, etc. he gives me silent treatment, cold shoulder, etc.

If there is a family event for me, he doesn't want to go, but yet when he's there he is all friendly and smiles etc.

If something doesn't work, needs to be fixed in OUR house, I am responsible to call the repairman or figure out how to fix it.  He can't even "plunge" a toilet and when I say why "I get don't bother me with that!"

I just reached a breaking point!... .

He refuses to leave... . Even though I am the one with a child living with us, he believes I should leave.   He doesn't even take care of the house, decorate, etc.  

I am not leaving and creating upset for my child.

[Copperfox]

That sounds like a tough situation FigureIt, I feel for you.  

From one of the many "red flags" threads on here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68885.0)

It's All About Them behavior.  You suddenly find yourself engrossed in their drama and troubles and have no time for your own needs.  They never seem to be Happy.  They don't 'do' Happy.

They don't 'do' happy ... .at least not on a permanent basis, without treatment.  It's always a rollercoaster.  It's a question of what your personal limits, boundaries are really.

Do you have plan for leaving, or are you still undecided at this point?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi FigureIt,

Your situation sounds really frustrating.     

I can understand how you could feel invalidated.  Establishing boundaries are really good for balancing your own needs.

Instead of constantly focusing on his needs, perhaps you can try focusing on your needs first?  It is really important that you take care of yourself first.

Have you discussed your concerns with your SO? 

[FigureIt]

Do you have plan for leaving, or are you still undecided at this point?

I am financially planning to possibly leave, but again having a D9 I don't want to completely upset her life/school, etc.  We have 2 dogs that I do the majority of the caretaking on and my BF has stated in the past my D9 would have to choose which dog to take.  He doesn't even care about them.

[FigureIt]

Have you discussed your concerns with your SO? 

I have tried to discuss my concerns with my SO, but it is seen as him being attacked.  He never even asks me how I am any given day... .  I recently got some concerning news about a family member.  He still managed to turn it about him and how he was going to have to sacrifice.  AHHH!

Sometimes the stress makes me feel as if my head is going to explode!

[EaglesJuju]

I have tried to discuss my concerns with my SO, but it is seen as him being attacked.  He never even asks me how I am any given day... .  I recently got some concerning news about a family member.  He still managed to turn it about him and how he was going to have to sacrifice.  AHHH!

Sometimes the stress makes me feel as if my head is going to explode!

I am sorry about your family member.   It is really tough when you have your own issues and coping with someone that is not being supportive. 

I understand how having so much stress can seem to make you feel like you are going to explode.  Having an "outside" outlet for support can really help with stress.  Sometimes doing something for yourself such as, taking a walk helps.

Communication tools really help with discussing issues with a pwBPD.  Have you had the chance to read up on communication tools?

[Copperfox]

I am financially planning to possibly leave, but again having a D9 I don't want to completely upset her life/school, etc.  We have 2 dogs that I do the majority of the caretaking on and my BF has stated in the past my D9 would have to choose which dog to take.  He doesn't even care about them.

It's good that you are taking steps to prepare yourself, in case you do make the decision to leave.  Having a plan is a necessity.  Children obviously complicate matters, but at the end of the day, you really have to decide if its best for them if you stay in this situation.  They will be affected by it, and that may outweigh the cost of changing other aspects of their life/school (speaking as a single parent myself).  Obviously, I cannot answer that question for you.

Otherwise, I agree with Eagles.  Working on your communication skills helps ... .how you say things makes a world of difference.  In the end though, it's all about your boundaries.  If someone crosses them, how will you respond.  If you don't stand up for them, then are they really boundaries?

[FigureIt]

I have read some of the communication articles and tried some.  Definitely the "I am sorry you feel that way."  But it get exhausting, me having to apologize because he chooses to be unhappy.

Then sometimes I see a light.  Like with my family member that was possibly ill.  It turned out not being as bad as thought, but He still makes a point to claim he cancelled his plans for this Saturday... .which I really truly doubt that there were any plans.  So it is trying to make me feel "bad" for him.

Also then he lies about something that so totally makes no sense to lie about.  (My uBPDbf works out almost everyday for 30-40min. and past couple weeks it was like 2x a day. Now this week he hasn't worked out at all.  So I just casually asked why?  Conversation, etc.  He tells me he's been working out at the fitness place near his work.  Now I know for a fact that is a lie!  He doesn't take any workout clothes and he sweats when he works out and there is no shower there. --- So why lie?)

[Copperfox]

The lying is one of the most difficult things I think ... .I realized toward the end of my relationship, and after, just how many lies had been told.  Lies about herself, her past, things she said about other people that were really about herself.  A lot of it was completely unnecessary too, just like yours.  And I asked myself "Why lie about that" ... ."What purpose does that serve"

I think the lying is a compulsive thing, that falls into the impulsivity aspect of BPD (one of the diagnostic symptoms), perhaps partially due to the lack of sense of self as well.  It's almost like they do it without thinking.  Untangling the twisted webs can drive you crazy.  To some degree, you have to accept that they live in their own reality (like we all do), and that reality is not the same as yours.  It may never make sense to you.

[EaglesJuju]

I have read some of the communication articles and tried some.  Definitely the "I am sorry you feel that way."  But it get exhausting, me having to apologize because he chooses to be unhappy.

I understand how you can feel like it is apologizing, but you do not have to tell your pwBPD that you are sorry. It becomes almost instinctual to apologize,  try using the tools without apologizing or saying your sorry. Saying, "I understand that you feel that way," seems to work really well.    

Actually understanding and accepting that your pwBPD's feelings/emotions have nothing to do with you really makes a significant difference.

Also then he lies about something that so totally makes no sense to lie about.  (My uBPDbf works out almost everyday for 30-40min. and past couple weeks it was like 2x a day. Now this week he hasn't worked out at all.  So I just casually asked why?  Conversation, etc.  He tells me he's been working out at the fitness place near his work.  Now I know for a fact that is a lie!  He doesn't take any workout clothes and he sweats when he works out and there is no shower there. --- So why lie?)

My pwBPD tells silly lies like that too. He tends to lie as a defense mechanism. For example, he has told me lies that he went to the gym and did not before. He lies to pretend he did it so he can feel good about himself.

[FigureIt]

It's very hard to accept the lying that makes NO Sense!  I feel it pulls me away.  I have tried to talk to him about lying.  (I have lied before too, mine was about guy friends, etc. because he would always assume if I have a co-worker friend/acquaintence who is male I must then be cheating - not really rational thinking)

Anyways I have brought up that he lies too... . He will blatantly claim he never lies, he always tells the truth.  I have even stated that omitting things by choice is lying too.  NEVER, EVER does he state he lies.  Even when there is proof.  So, they lying really throws me back.  In all I truly don't believe anything he says, unless I know for a FACT myself.

[Copperfox]

It's very hard to accept the lying that makes NO Sense!  I feel it pulls me away.  I have tried to talk to him about lying.  (I have lied before too, mine was about guy friends, etc. because he would always assume if I have a co-worker friend/acquaintence who is male I must then be cheating - not really rational thinking)

Anyways I have brought up that he lies too... . He will blatantly claim he never lies, he always tells the truth.  I have even stated that omitting things by choice is lying too.  NEVER, EVER does he state he lies.  Even when there is proof.  So, they lying really throws me back.  In all I truly don't believe anything he says, unless I know for a FACT myself.

This kind of stuff really does undermine the intimacy of these relationships, which sounds like what you're feeling.  Trust is what relationships are built on.

[FigureIt]

Trust definitely:  I completely trusted my ex-husband until he cheated on me.  Then we got divorced. 

When I met my current BF I told him about my life, past etc.  He acted like all was good, but then I have been punished by him for my mistakes.  I've even been punished (verbal attacks) for loving and marrying my ex-husband.  As if my current BF has no mistakes.  He cheated on his ex-wife for 8yrs.  My guess is due to his cheating I am continuously accused of cheating on and off since we have been together.  (Which I have never done.)