And the pendulum swings the other way

[qcarolr]

I have been reading here today, knowing I want to post an update. I can use some hugs today. I can sense a really big 'hijack' happening as I am posting replies on other threads.

Feeling discouraged and sad today. I was coping OK with DD's choice to live homeless under a bridge (tunnel she sometimes calls it) with her newest guy. She brought him unannounced to our house and I drove them to near where is 'camp' is. At least he claims to do no drugs and shows no signs of using. He is DD's current caregiver. That is my new term for who she considers the bf. She left our house with him on Monday Jan 5th. I hear from her every 2-3 days, and have lunch with her. She came for a couple hours last Saturday, alone, to shower and do a load of laundry. She really made little contact with any of us while she was here.

This week she had two appointments scheduled. They (DD and bf) are staying with a friend the past couple days - to warm up, shower, cook... .  Dd's face has several raw, picked places which is often a sign of her using drugs. I am so sad, and accept that she knows how I feel and it is her choice. She did go to the appointment yesterday - intake for job program and mental health center. Counselor had told me it would be an hour - I called to coordinate gd after school care. DD was in there much shorter than that and came out with same handouts everyone else has given her from mental health. For the 'Wellness Programs'. She says she is done with groups after being in jail. The final 3 months she was in pod that required daily classes in lots of areas like daily living skills, job skills, yoga, etc.

This morning she did not answer when I called. I waited until the last possible moment and decided to just arrive. Everyone in the house was asleep. DD did not want to go. She was not angry about it with me. She just wasn't up for it a second day in a row. I called a left and message with her T.

So now I have called T to give a little info on why DD did not show up. I mentioned the sores on her face, and how she does not want to go in public. She had more so today than yesterday, one looks infected. OTC ointment isn't working so am getting her rx ointment refilled. Also said IMHO DD might be using drugs. I also said I am concerned because she seems very depressed this week, even before the sores appeared. Another homeless woman, one that I met when DD was staying in a motel for a couple weeks in November, died. She was being transported by ambulance to hospital for psych eval when she jumped out and was hit by a car. This is weighing heavy on DD. One more loss in her life of losses. I am hoping DD will answer when the T calls. She has a cancellation opening tomorrow morning if DD would go.

Tonight I have to seek comfort from dh and stop projecting my angst onto him with my irritability. I keep saying to him and gd that "I am just tired" {which is true too}. The truth that I so often deny is this sadness and discouragement with the cycling of pain for DD. I hurt for her and with her. I am her mom. She does show her appreciation for me too. She even was able today to tell me she is trying to be kind to her bf and yet she is grumpy and impatient with him. A little light of self-reflection -- a good sign in this dark place.

I drove DD and bf to the grocery store. DD was trying to make her face look better in car mirror, then gave up and went in. I told them I did not need anything so would wait in the car. Ulterior motive -- let her be independent AND not allow her to spend my money as it is hard for me to say no in the store. They came out with lots of food for the house they are staying at with DD's food stamps.

This new bf/caregiver seems to be a good guy from the brief conversations with him. I invited him to come to lunch with us yesterday on the way to DD's appointment. I wanted to get to know him a little. We had a chance to talk while she was gone. He did ask some questions about Dd's behaviors which I answered delicately yet honestly without revealing too much. He is troubled by how demanding she is with me and rude. I mentioned to DD today that he is seems like a caring guy and she needs to treat him kindly. She looked sad and said she is trying -- like she wanted to cry. She said he is very good to her. I can see this in being with them. I also can see bf has good boundaries and is clear that his stay in our area is temporary. He is a traveler, a gypsy, and has plans to be in the Seattle area this summer. DD said he invited her to go -- she said not yet as she is just getting things established since leaving jail.

Not sure this rambling story makes sense to you all. I is helpful for me to tell it. I am very grateful DD is not alone and the weather is nice for at least a few days.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Even though I 'think' I am doing OK with all of this, I am pushing it out of my mind. My massage T reminds me of this every 2 weeks when I see her. Dh reminds me of this when I am being 'mean' - gd's word for anything not happy.What havoc denial can create under the surface. Thank God for my friends here and in my local support network.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

This is for you, qcarolr   

I'm so sorry things are tough tonight 

I learned a new mantra last week, and I'm passing it on to you:

"I expect that everything in my life today is moving up, ever more, into the Higher Flow"

Somehow it helped me through a little rough patch with a friend of mine, and now I recite it whenever it crosses my mind 

[mggt]

Dear qcr, I was hoping things were going good with your dd living with you . So sorry to hear that she has left your heart must

be broken.  The hope we have never goes away but sometimes I wish it would and we all could have peace in our hearts.  How is

your gd taking all of this.  At least you know where she is for now that must give you some peace and be able to sleep at night

Hopefully her infection is just that and she is not on drugs again.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings you have done so much

and knowing how hard you have tried you deserve to feel whatever you want .  mggt   

[MammaMia]

qcr

I believe I know what you are feeling.  It is the realization that BPD rationalization is often totally illogical.  

We do not understand why they walk away from opportunities to help themselves.  We are filled with pain when we see the "what might have beens" in their lives and the choices they have made.  I am not sure a parent ever really moves beyond the emotional confusion they create.  We always want better for them.

You have been restrained and shown respect for dd and bf. That is commendable.

You know where dd is and who she is with.  You know the new bf is willing, at least at this point in time, to help care for her and keep her safe.  You still have contact with them.  They have allowed you to help them to some degree, and you have kept the door open. All of these are positives.

Take comfort in knowing you are a good person and you are doing the best you can.  

Is life perfect? No. But there is much to be thankful for even during the hardest of times. Things can always be so much worse.  

Take care.

[lever.]

Hello qcr

I always read your posts but seldom reply because you are so wise and experienced and I have little to add.

Just wanted to send you one of the   you need.

Although things have become difficult again there do seem to be tiny little changes in your daughter's ability to reflect on her actions and behaviors and to appreciate your efforts to help her.

[Thursday]

Hi qcarolr-

Read your words and I'm glad you checked in and let us know what is going on with your DD.

I know how hard it is for you when your DD chooses her homeless life above the comforts and structure that you can give her.

Maybe your boundaries can really sort things out. Seems like choices are being made clearer, both yours and hers. You cannot make her choose what you want for her- and it is soo hard to let go of what we want for our kids. It's hard to see what they settle for or settle with. In my life with my nonDD, as she gets older (she will soon be 30) I see her do things that I would not choose for her. I don't always understand her S/O and can't imagine how she puts up with him sometimes! He is a good guy, don't get me wrong but he lives his life differently than most folks and this leaves my DD maneuvering to find her way with him, creating the life that is theirs. This is all mentioned to point out that even nons, when they are our kids, don't always choose the way we were hoping for.

Maybe this will be a drawn out process for your daughter, maybe the discomfort of her homelessness will allow her to accept for herself the boundaries that you have in place to keep you and your family safe. Keep reminding yourself that these boundary choices will help her when all is said and done. I believe our boundaries can be the greatest chance for change that our BPD loved ones have. With all of this perhaps will come deeper understandings for her. Maybe this will bring accountability.

Glad your DD has someone that seems solid on her side right now. How soon will he be leaving your area? Cringe about that but your DD doesn't seem to have any trouble finding someone who gives her comfort within her lifestyle. And she seems aware that she does have a reason to stay put- how great is this tidbit of info? Pretty great Q.

Can you tolerate this way of being with her? Can you establish perhaps, a norm that works for everyone? Her being in and out isn't the best, not what you were hoping for but it is one of the ways you can have her in your life.

Your boundaries can become a really positive thing given some time for everyone to adjust. With my SD these days I sometimes hear her say she actually gets the boundaries... .which indicates she has given it all some thought. My SD giving things some though... .amazing! Amazing!

hugs and regards

Thursday

[LearningToAccept2]

Hello Q

I am familiar with the discomfort of seeing my dd get buried deeper and deeper in total dysfunction because of her poor poor choices. I sit with this feelings and let if engulf me until it leaves me like a passing cloud in the sky. Nothing lasts for ever. Not even the anguish. I have gotten to know anguish so so well that when it visits it feels like an old friend. Not sure if you can understand what I mean. It doesn't paralyze me anymore.

Wishing you and your dd the very best the best.

learning

[qcarolr]

Thank you for your understanding a care.

Have not heard from DD for nearly a week. She did get her county small cash benefit approved. The put funds on her card for Nov - Jan. I am hopeful her situation is stable and she does not need anything from me with her own money.

I is a good thing for DD to be respecting the boundaries around not being her with her friends. Sometimes I feel sad that she does not even want to visit since her bf cannot come along. She has also been very appreciative of my willingness to help her when she does ask for needed stuff or a ride to where the bus does not go.

I am sad that she has chosen not the take her psych meds. She chose not to go to her last T appt.

Awe and wonder - qualities I often long for. There is lots of this with my level of acceptance of so many things. I am  moving a bit from the awarenesses of the past few years into this place of greater acceptance. I have been so motivated and energized the past week. I have cleaned house, cleaned out all gd's stuff from my home office space, worked with dh to clean out the garage... .  Having the internet guy coming to set up my higher speed service also motivated me. Why I suddenly actually cared -- that healthy bit of guilt that I could convert into action.

I am looking forward to clearing out some of my stuff in the office and creating a calm, warm, welcoming sitting space in half this small room. For reading, writing, comtemplating, prayer and meditations. My quiet place that I have LONGED FOR. Gd seems to be accepting this change. It can be a reading space with her too. I may also have room along one wall to set up my watercolor stuff. I have not painted for about 10 years. It is a meditative, abstract style. DD used to call it my "Feeling Paintings". I used to hang them in the garage rafters to dry (they were really big when I was in a meditation and art class for a couple years back in the 1990's.

Have to go to an appointment. Things feel good today. Hope things are better for each of you today.

qcr

[swampped]

So good to hear you are at peace at this time, qcr!  You continue to inspire me as you travel this road with your dd, gd, dh and all of your friends here.  I pray that this peace can stay with you, and that it will somehow be transmitted to all those you love, including your dd.  Blessings!   Swampped   

[peace in steel town]

Wow. Big hugs. Why some people choose to freeze to death on a city street or under a bridge, when they could be warm, dry, and have a full belly, is beyond me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Seems that new bf has a lot of friends with couches to surf. He seems like OK guy as I have seen him a few times now. DD is still in an basically angry state, overwhelmed by too many people in a place they are staying, has some new face infections. She called for me to bring her rx for antibiotics -- she is better.

Our financial boundaries with her have been cast in stone by dh and I meeting with financial advisors that manage the money for his mom. She is slipping further away each time we visit at the memory care center. She is in final phase of Alzheimer's. No more rent for DD. Limit our assistance to her cell phone and a small amount we can spend on her personal needs. Bf is really good at deflecting her requests by having an alternative -- even when she whines about it. Maybe this is a new experience relating to someone without drugs/alcohol as the center of the relationship.

We may be selling our home of 37 years. Downsizing. Lower monthly debt payments. Pay off credit cards and home line of credit. Figure out how to spend less so do not need credits cards. This is a challenge even without DD rent. It is easier to see when someone else shows you the reality today projected out 30 more years. Dh needs to work full time as long as possible until 70. He just turned 64 and was hoping part-time in a year or two would work. They said he can work full time for 5 years vs. part-time for 10+ years and not be destitute at age 80.

Dh is grieving this more than I am. I dread purging the house, garage, shed... . I am figuring out the best ways to help gd cope with the transitions involved --- new home, new neighborhood, new friends, eventually a new school. I am hoping to find something within driving distance for her to finish 4th grade and maybe 5th grade at current school. Lots of hoops to jump through but it is possible. Also her T can offer me their hoops to jump to continue their good r/s in therapy.  

DD's response was first about the dogs - which we are keeping. She asked if she could help us look. I told her when we figure out where we are going to look and find good prospects I will let her know. How to balance my need to stay connected yet detached --- as always.

Now I think I will go take a nap then help gd with homework and plan dinner. Thanks for your open ears.

qcr

[Thursday]

q-

downsizing- We went from 3000 sq. ft. to under 1500. Split floor plan worked when SD still lived with us and we then got used to using only about 1/2 of the house so it is an adjustment but I like it. I imagine DH and I are living in a charming cottage instead of ugly 1970s ranch. We do have a big yard and it's fenced and on a col-du-sac- a good plan if you have barking dogs. Look for a split floor plan when you are looking. Imagine GD being 14 and having friends sleep over. With a small house, even if they are on the other side of the house you will still hear every move they make.

Why does everyone need so much room anyway?

GD moving- she can do this! It's all about excitement and opportunity. Listen to her fears if she will tell them. I moved around a lot as a kid, was always the new girl. I learned how to slow down my impulses and watch, learned the importance of fitting in and to still be myself. Get her involved in the décor of her new room- she is the perfect age for this. If GD knows that your current neighbors  know about your DD's problems she will see that this is an opportunity for a fresh start. And if you CAN keep her at the same school- that would be great!

Knowing your financial reality is a really great thing to have under your belt. 60 is looming for me and its scary. Your added concerns regarding your GD and her future- 

I wonder if your DD wants to "go with" in order to have input/control? Do you think her anxiety around all of this will be manageable? I can imagine her wanting to place herself fully into the household (as in... .and this is my room... .). This is, of course, a great conversation to have with her, knowing where she might see herself as regards your family structure in the future, given your boundaries.

Buying a home is a really stressful thing so I hope you will consider carefully if you want to let her be a part of the looking phase. Maybe this is just an outing she feels like she would enjoy but it sounds like it could be a real mine field.

Have you started a painting? I'm obsessed with a new craft project and spend too much time on Pinterest.

Thursday

[jellibeans]

Dear qcarolr

I just wanted to send you a hug... .I hope you are having a good day and that your dd is having even having a better one.I have not been on the boards much. Trying to take a break. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

[Dibdob59]

Hi Qcr

Just like Jellibeans, I too want to send you my prayers and say I think of you and your family often. I hope you are all moving in a direction where you can find some peace and acceptance.

Dibdob

[crazedncrazymom]

qcr, you truly amaze me every time I read your posts.  You have handled this horrible situation with as much grace and dignity as I've ever seen.  It's amazing how you have stuck to your boundaries and allowed your daughter the freedom to choose this path even though it hurts you so much. Hopefully, someday it will bring her home to you.

-crazed

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the hugs and prayers.

We met with realtor yesterday. dh, gd and I. Gd was invited to stay and listen or go play. She wandered in and out. Dh gained a new comfort level meeting with her. She has a very innovative plan to sell our house with her paying a designer and photograher to set up our home with us for the best price. It is also a seller's market in our area, and especially our neighborhood.

Then we talked about what we want to have in a new home. She already had a house and good neighborhood for us to check out. She will also set us up with an online portal to review properties and mark what we think before we go look.

This morning we took a drive to this nearby city. It is a 15 minutes from our current house, very central location to many areas of interest, shopping, recreation, etc. It is an easy drive to gd's current school. I have to request a waiver to enroll her for 5th grade. Her grade level is really full so there is no guarantee she will be accepted. At least we will be in the same school district so her IEP and other records will automatically transfer.

We found the neighborhood mentioned by our Realtor.  Though none are on the market yet, there are 6 ranch with basement houses. I sent the addresses to our Realtor to check out. She is willing to knock on doors if needed for us. Having a bedroom and full bath on the main living level is a primary feature for my 'wish list'. Since this is our 'retirement' location I want to be able to live comfortably without stairs.

These houses overlook a very big open space with creeks and a small fishing lake. This was on gd's 'wish list' for the new home. She picked out her favorite house on the street and is very excited about the neighborhood. I also mentioned that the new neighbors have not experienced the embarrassment of her mom. That was a BIG plus for her attitude. She will be 10 in June, and the more control of choices we can offer her the better her behavior and lower her anxiety and fear. DH seemed to see this today.

When we get a contract on a house, then I will invite DD to see it. I am hoping for an unfinished area in the basement to store her stuff so she can go through it more easily than the little utility trailer we are using now. (Dh wants to use this trailer for his motorcycle and camping - we are selling our travel trailer as part of the downsize project.) We will continue to be open to times she can join us as a family that feel safe for everyone.

From DD's perspective I can see her unsettled mental state with these changes. Fears of abandonment and isolation by us. I am grateful bf seems to get this and maybe she can hear him to shift toward seeing we love and care for her as well. Perhaps he can help shift toward a more stable place where she can make it to therapy.

Dh refuses to do therapy, parenting classes, books, articles... .about issues with gd. I have to accept that he is most likely as burned out as me. He just shows it in different ways. I signed up to get a daily thought from Heather Forbes (beyondconsequences.com) on my email. At breakfast each morning I read this to him. He seems to be more open to talking about her topics briefly. These all seem to be directed toward how parents take care of themselves to better understand the emotions below the behaviors and respond from a more compassionate, validating place. Then the boundaries and consequences work better. Much like what we learn under the TOOLS >> >>

Update on DD:

She is staying with a friend that has her SSI and rents a small mobile home. It is in a nice community of mostly older residents. It just recently opened to anyone under age 55 -- she has to keep a quiet presence to stay. The 4th person staying there has now left. He brought too many others into the place, ate all the food, and some of Dd's things disappeared. So now it is only DD, her bf, and the gf. DD and bf are actually serving a caretaker role with gf who is struggling to regulate her mental illness. The place looked cleaned up when I stopped by yesterday morning.

Gf's mom and I were in an ADHD parent support group back when our girls were 2nd grade (DD) and Kindergarten (gf). Mom's comment to me was that gf has a thinking disorder. We both left this group as our girls' mental health issues exceeded the support available in that group. I am prayerful that DD and these 2 friends can make it work for a while as a more stable living environment.

DD has chosen to miss the last 2 appointments with T. When I called to let T know DD was not coming, she said there is another program that might fit her needs better within the county mental health center system. I gave DD her meds. yesterday - found them in her bag of stuff she wanted me to store. Reminded her that she has always done better when taking her Prozac (anxiety/depression) and Trazedone (sleep). She was very combative with me which really upsets bf. He can see all the loving care I have for DD and is frustrated that she cannot. So I left, checked in with T about DD not coming and have moved back into my own life.

Update on me:

I am working with both a T and with an integrative massage T. They really fit well together in supporting my overall mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health - linking my parts towards finding 'wisemind' more often. We are working on my loving detachment from DD. A Key that I have discovered is that my attachment to DD is very very strong. It is unhealthy and limits my ability to be consistent with my personal boundaries with her. At the same time I found another Key; DD has a very tenuous attachment to me and almost none with dh. My denial of this imbalance is also very strong. When DD was age 6 and spent 5 weeks at a psych hospital the social worker there suggested this weak bond to me and none to dh. There were NO male figures for DD in any of the testing. She asked if we would be open to relinquishing DD to the state. That really pushed my denial into overdrive.

So how have I approached this letting go in a new way? I have been consciously working with detachment/attachment since fall of 2009. This is when I got a restraining order against DD while she was in jail instead of bailing her out. Internal turbulence led to this very harsh choice, turbulence led to inconsistent responses to DD while this RO was active, and I heaped the guilt onto myself about all of DD's tribulations.

I went back to therapy for myself; I became a member here and read everything I could; I worked through the "Survivors Guide" on the Relatives with BPD board; I sought out an Al Anon group to find the book with a chapter on ":)etachment with Love" then kept going for over two years; rediscovered my faith in a new church community; pushed myself out of my comfort zone to make connections with other women at in this community; returned to a 12-stepped based group in this church - seeking recovery from my co-dependent behaviors and beliefs; etc.

Note: accepting to label myself as 'co-dependent' is still a huge struggle for me. Others first applied this label with me in 1991 when in day-treatment for depression - no way was that who I am! Hmmm, almost 20 years working this!

On the bodily health side of things I was feeling like my body was shutting down this past year. Fatigue, loss of good balance, increase in pain in many areas, loss of hair, gaining weight, memory issues, mental confusion, etc. I have gone through a variety of tests to look for causes of the changes in all these areas with negative results. I became aware several weeks ago that a delicate site of irritation was becoming an infection. After a couple visits to doc they cultured a bacterial infection, a viral infection, and a cyst all living on top of one another! My immune system was also fired up from all this - my immune system is suppressed by meds. for my Chron's (which work and I am in remission for about 5 years now). Over the past 10 days two of the three are resolving. The viral stuff will just take longer.

I am finding myself with more energy the past few days, better sleep, more stable mood... .  Gotta keep this body working at its best for all the rest to work.

Let's just say seeking and accepting support from every direction available then being willing to do the work is leading me toward a much more stable life. Even in the midst of the continuing chaos DD keeps around her.



Gotta get on with working on our new budget. The house downsize is part of long term plans. Living within our income - ie. no credit cards - is needed ASAP. DD is also feeling the impact of our withdrawing any financial assistance for housing. We hope to put about $300 per month in the budget for her benefit-- no cash to her.

Thanks for sharing my story. Narrative storytelling is one gift that sets humans apart.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Good news! DD just sent text apologizing for her behavior yesterday morning and saying she will go to all her appointments.

qcr

[Thursday]

That's awesome!

Sounds like the bf may be an angel of some sort... .

Thurs

[qcarolr]

Yep, I think so too. 

It is also practical, and maybe he can bring this into focus for DD. I told her this week even if appeals council deems her disabled, they only pay benefits if she is under medical supervision. She knows that 'the written record' being incomplete due to her resistance to treatment has been a huge stumbling block to her getting SSI. She has been applying since age 18.

In the book I recently read, "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help", the underlying concept is to figure out what your loved one needs - what problems get in the way. Validating conversations can help figure this out. The author uses different language - same principles. Once common ground can be found, then practical alternatives can be found. This will directly meet the desired outcomes for the loved one (for DD getting money to live on since unable to get/keep a job, wanting to learn to live more independently). Indirectly it meets the desires of us -- for our loved one to participate in treatment and move toward stability and the recovery that is waiting for them.

I am doing a better job at stepping back from DD. Her bf is a major factor right now in this. He seems to be a more stable guy - not a user - connected to DD. I hope he can find the courage to handle the difficult times with her. So far, so good. He is kind of like the best parts of other exbf's rolled into one.

Keep on Hoping.

qcr