Made the decision to divorce my BPD husband

[Bianca]

Hello,

I've been reading the threads here for a while and even though I've never participated,  I've learned a lot and felt such a sense of support from you guys. I've decided to give up and divorce my husband of 4 years, together for seven. He's been diagnosed with BPD and has been in therapy,  but the lying and betrayal of trust is always present.  What makes this so excruciating is that it's my second marriage (first time I was 18) and I feel like he robbed me of chance to find true love. He acted like Prince Charming and concealed his issues.  We were together 3 years before we married and yes, there were some things I noticed,  but I thought perfection doesn't exist,  give the guy a break and the overall was positive.  We got married and everything really started to come out.  The rages, the cutting,  the suicide threats,  the betrayals,  the selfishness,  the intimidation etc. I'm so sad and down, but I'm a strong person.  He tried his best to break me and he succeeded in leaving deep scars, but I recognize he is too damaged to change and I'm so sad. So I'm posting for the first time,  hoping to meet others who understand,  only like one who has been through this kind of trauma can. The only reason he hasn't broken me completely is because I have a strong sense of my worth,  I have a background in psychology,  and I have friends who love me. I'm looking forward to hearing from some of you.

Thank you,

Bianca

[jedimaster]

    

You're among friends here.  I think you'll find the support you need.

One comment:  You're not "giving up" and divorcing him, you're standing up for yourself.  Giving up would be resigning yourself to staying and continuing to put up with all that you have.  Hang in there and keep taking care of you.

[cloudten]

Something I have come to realize recently is that he keeps accusing me of running away. I am not running away... .I am asserting myself and defending what is important to me emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Although I am still trying to decide whether I should stay or go- I applaud your strength in your decision. I wish I could be so strong. Best wishes to you!

[vortex of confusion]

I've decided to give up and divorce my husband of 4 years, together for seven. He's been diagnosed with BPD and has been in therapy,  but the lying and betrayal of trust is always present. 

I have to agree with the sentiment that you are not giving up. It sounds like you are aware of the situation and what it entails to live with a person that has BPD. It sounds like you have made a conscious decision based on the facts of the situation. Knowing your own limitations is NOT giving up.

You will find plenty of people in your situation here. Welcome to the boards!

[Lucky Jim]

Something I have come to realize recently is that he keeps accusing me of running away. I am not running away... .

Hey cloudten, The accusation that you are "running away" is just a manipulation, part of the BPD arsenal of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  According to your SO, you "owe" it to him not to run away and should feel "guilt" for considering the possibility of standing up for yourself.  Suggest that you don't buy into it.

The rages, the cutting,  the suicide threats,  the betrayals,  the selfishness,  the intimidation etc. I'm so sad and down, but I'm a strong person.  He tried his best to break me and he succeeded in leaving deep scars, but I recognize he is too damaged to change and I'm so sad. So I'm posting for the first time,  hoping to meet others who understand,  only like one who has been through this kind of trauma can.

Hey Bianca, I'm sorry to learn of all that you have been through.  Yes, we "get it" and have been through it before, so you are not alone in your journey.  Can you relate a little more about your situation?  It seems like you are getting back on your path, which in my view is key in terms of your recovery.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

*sigh* manipulation... .i know it is manipulation. Luckily I can see it for what it is. For me- I am trying to come to terms with fulfilling his abandonment fantasy. Abandonment is not love---- but neither is verbal/emotional/mental/physical abuse. I am about 99% sure that I will be leaving... .but that glass half full part of me is grasping onto that 1% for dear life. I'll figure it out eventually.

[Bianca]

Thank you for the replies and words of encouragement.  I feel stronger every day and being away from him has brought me peace.  It has also brought me insight into the hopeless situation I was in. Thank you for clarifying that walking away was strength,  not weakness.  I value marriage and I felt that I had to "work" through issues.  But after waiting for him to attend psychoanalysis and DBT and seeing that the tools were not applied and no real changs was taking place I admitted defeat.  I also realized that what we had in the beginning was not based in reality,  hence what am I grieving?  Something that I never had? So I'm happy to report that I'm doing well,  better than I expected.  As one friend put it "you seem content" and most importantly I do not miss him. What I do grieve for are the years I will never get back, but I will get past that too. :-)

[cloudten]

The decision to divorce is never ever easy or to be taken lightly... .even to a non.

When I got divorced from my non-xhus, I went to the DivorceCare support group. I found it helped me a lot. Grief is typical in any divorce. It's a loss of dreams, and hopes, and extended family relationships, and time wasted. It all gets better. You may remain a little bitter over the time lost- but just let that drive you to make better decisions for your future and make the most of the time you do have! But grief is a natural part of any divorce.

Do yourself a favor... .do not get into any relationships for a year to three... .eek i know that sounds like a long time.  A trend that I am seeing with a lot of my friends and a lot of people on here, is that a lot of people leave a marriage, and get drawn into the whirlwind relationship with someone that has BPD. I know at least 4 people in real life that that has happened to, and it happened to me. There is something about the excitement that a pwBPD brings to your life in those beginning stages of a relationship. I think the sex drives it because most people are coming from the end of a marriage where there probably wasn't a lot going on in the bedroom. So be very careful getting back in the saddle. I wish I had taken more time after my divorce before dating... .otherwise I would not be here on this board right now.  Do not fall head over heels for the very first person- and be wary of the second.   just take your time and heal your heart. good luck!