D-36 BPD, End of the Thread at the End of the Rope

[Parents! Get help here!]

As a new member in December I posted re our suicidal D36.

Our D-36 was inpatient 3x in Dec.

She was discharged from the hospital Jan 1 with a new SO she met while inpatient.  She has BPD, he has schizotypal personality disorder. When he DC'd he moved in with her.  1 week later they were engaged.  No talking her into going slowly because she FELT SOO GOOD.  And her feelings are her reality.  We decided to let them be hap-hap happy together and take a much needed relationship vacation.  It was a great relief to my husband who receives the brunt of her phone calls.  She quit her job and stayed home with LoverBoy.

Then her apt contacted my husband saying they could not reach our D.  My husband found our daughter in her cold, dark apt barely responsive.   We thought this might be the end for her.

D-36 totally relapsed with LoverBoy.  They got really high together (on his Rx, her Rx and illegals), he took her car, was arrested, went to jail.  MEANWHILE, D-36 was left in the apt, wasted.  When he was bailed out 3 days later and could not get D-36 to answer her phone he assumed she was dead, dropped the keys off at the apt complex and skedaddled. Classy guy.  We calculated D-36 was out for at least 3 days, maybe 4.

D-36 was in CCU for 1 week and tonight moved to the BH ward where we hope they will keep her until... .? Until... .?

We cannot trust her to be responsible with her Rx. Or a vehicle. Or to live alone.  She refuses therapy. Refuses recovery work.  We have decided to offer her a few options: 1. a group home which we will pay for until her SSI begins; 2. a bed in the local shelter where she will have the option of recovery work should she want it.

We are at the end of that little thread at the end of the frayed rope. 

For all of you wonderful parents out there who are busting your behinds doing the best you can- kudos to you!  It can be an exhausting and thankless job.  To love a child that cannot/will not receive your loving help and watch them decline in a spiral of self-destruction is excruciating.  Sometimes our BPDs do get better.  After so many years we are forced to acknowledge our D will not be one of them. 

Remember that the person to be loved is greater than the problem to be solved.

[Mama-san]

As a new member in December I posted re our suicidal D36.

Our D-36 was inpatient 3x in Dec.

She was discharged from the hospital Jan 1 with a new SO she met while inpatient.  She has BPD, he has schizotypal personality disorder. When he DC'd he moved in with her.  1 week later they were engaged.  No talking her into going slowly because she FELT SOO GOOD.  And her feelings are her reality.  We decided to let them be hap-hap happy together and take a much needed relationship vacation.  It was a great relief to my husband who receives the brunt of her phone calls.  She quit her job and stayed home with LoverBoy.

Then her apt contacted my husband saying they could not reach our D.  My husband found our daughter in her cold, dark apt barely responsive.   We thought this might be the end for her.

D-36 totally relapsed with LoverBoy.  They got really high together (on his Rx, her Rx and illegals), he took her car, was arrested, went to jail.  MEANWHILE, D-36 was left in the apt, wasted.  When he was bailed out 3 days later and could not get D-36 to answer her phone he assumed she was dead, dropped the keys off at the apt complex and skedaddled. Classy guy.  We calculated D-36 was out for at least 3 days, maybe 4.

D-36 was in CCU for 1 week and tonight moved to the BH ward where we hope they will keep her until... .? Until... .?

We cannot trust her to be responsible with her Rx. Or a vehicle. Or to live alone.  She refuses therapy. Refuses recovery work.  We have decided to offer her a few options: 1. a group home which we will pay for until her SSI begins; 2. a bed in the local shelter where she will have the option of recovery work should she want it.

We are at the end of that little thread at the end of the frayed rope. 

For all of you wonderful parents out there who are busting your behinds doing the best you can- kudos to you!  It can be an exhausting and thankless job.  To love a child that cannot/will not receive your loving help and watch them decline in a spiral of self-destruction is excruciating.  Sometimes our BPDs do get better.  After so many years we are forced to acknowledge our D will not be one of them. 

Remember that the person to be loved is greater than the problem to be solved.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

You sound exhausted Mama-san. No wonder you are at the end of you rope with what's going on... . 

Coming to terms with what is, and with our powerlessness to control the outcomes is so hard. It just isn't fair, and it is impossible to swallow... .

Sometimes though, when we get overwhelmed, that is the only time when we are finally ready to let go. Not give up, but to let go of the idea that if we just try harder, we will be able to fix things... .

Can you get some rest? How are you and your husband coping? Is there time for you in this?

[Mama-san]

Thank you, Pessim-optimist.  You have obviously been in our shoes- you know the pair? the pair with all the wear and tear?

You are exactly right. We are exhausted.  And we are getting to that place of acceptance.  My husband is having a much more difficult time with a mixed bag of feelings. Terrific disappointment that he cannot 'fix' her.   I am further down the road and grasp the 'it is what is it is' of her situation.  It is painful that I cannot help my husband. He must travel his own path. Painful to see what her illness and addiction is doing to her children.

Because we are aware of where we are I would say we are coping OK as a couple.  I am able to get some rest as you have suggested.  It is very easy to overlook self-care in a crisis.

Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.

[Rapt Reader]

Gee, Mama-san, I'm really sorry for all of your daughter's troubles, and the pain and trauma they are causing you and your Husband. Is she still in the Hospital? Has she responded to your offers of help? Where are her children? Are they well-cared for?

I don't suppose that she would be willing to go to an Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program? A place to treat her addiction issues by also zeroing in on her Mental Health issues? Have any of the Professionals dealing with her ever mentioned something like that?

My own adult (37) son had most of the same symptoms and behaviors that your daughter does, and nothing "worked" for his Recovery until he was admitted to a 21-day Dual Diagnosis Program--the place that diagnosed his BPD in March/April of 2013. Today, he is more than 22 months clean and sober (of a multi-year Heroin addiction) and wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD at this point in his Recovery. His story is here: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story, in case you are interested in seeing why he ended up there, and how it helped him. I would love it if there were some way to have your daughter realize that she needed help, and then she would go and get it... .

Please take good care of yourself... .it's great that you have been utilizing Radical Acceptance for family members, and I truly hope your Husband is able to find some peace of mind also. Do you two have a Counselor or Therapist or Clergy--someone--to talk to about your situation? Do your daughter's Professionals include you in their decisions ever? I know that thread that you guys are hanging onto, and without my son's Therapist and Psychiatrist to give me guidance, I wouldn't have made it during our own darkest moments... .Keep us in the loop, Mama-san 

[pessim-optimist]

you know the pair? the pair with all the wear and tear?

Even though our own pair is a little bit different, our toes are sticking out through the holes as well.  

I suspect that many of us here on the Parenting board have transformed our tennis shoes into some pretty snazzy looking open-toe sandals.  

My husband is having a much more difficult time with a mixed bag of feelings.

... .It is painful that I cannot help my husband. He must travel his own path.

I am in a similar situation, as our person w/BPD is my step-daughter, my husband's firstborn.

I have discovered that I can be most helpful to my husband by being sensitive to his needs, when I have dealt with the situation within myself and have come to a balanced emotional state.

Sometimes he welcomes the distraction and focus on us, sometimes he wants to talk it out. I have made some mistakes in the past talking about what I have learned (trying to help him with more information) when he just wanted to put it out of his mind. Also, me being a night person makes me want to talk about things in the evening, which isn't really helpful for a restful sleep.   Live and learn... .

Because we are aware of where we are I would say we are coping OK as a couple.

That is precious. Protect that little haven.

Rapt Reader has a really point about the Dual Diagnosis program. Do you think your daughter is close to hitting rock bottom?

[Mama-san]

I love that visual of re-purposed tennis shoes!  

Our D-36 is in the hospital in the BH unit and receiving care for bacterial pneumonia and sepsis (systemic infection).  I am quite concerned for her health.  We were told she will need weeks of treatment.

Her children live with their father in a wonderful home environment.  Their step-mom is a warm and loving woman who cares for them- the younger daughter calls her mom.

Rapt Reader, you gave an important phrase.  You wrote:

I would love it if there were some way to have your daughter realize that she needed help, and then she would go and get it...

That is THE key.  We have spent many years and much money on dual diagnosis treatments, DBT, rehab/detox, etc, etc and she has never embraced her need for recovery and mental health care.  I'm reading "I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help" again and I'm wondering if she has some type of anosognosia and cannot understand she is an addict?

Pessim-Optimist, I too am a step-mom to our borderline.  Her bio-mom is likely an undiagnosed borderline.  I have been in the life of our D-36 since she was small.  I've always been keenly aware of this D challenges.  Being a step-mom has it's own difficulties and it has not been easy with serious MI in the mix. We have 4 adult children. 1 w BPD/Addiction. 1 w bi-polar l, and thank goodness, he manages his wellness.

Tonight D-36 confessed that her relapse included: doing lines of meth, smoking weed, Xanax and other stuff she's not sure of.  It's a major relapse.  She actually used the word 'relapsed'.

Has she hit rock bottom?  I doubt it.  But if/when she realizes she has no job, no money, no apartment, nobody to take her in, no car... .maybe? One may hope.

[Rapt Reader]

Does this mean that your daughter will be in the Hospital for quite awhile for treatment? The Staff there would be aware of your daughter's drug history, and do you know if they are addressing it in any way? Is she getting any Psychiatric help besides the medical treatment?

I have to say that her admitting her drug use to you, and even the fact that she used the word "relapse" signals to me that things are sinking in for her... .As you say, the realization of her poor situation could be a "bottoming out" for her. She is obviously clean and sober at this point, and being in the Hospital--especially if she is there for an extended period of time due to the health issues--she is getting medical attention for any withdrawals she would be going through. It's good that she is where she is now.

Is there a possibility that the Hospital has a plan for her beyond the immediate health issues? Do they have the option of giving her further, Psychiatric or Psychological help for her mental health and drug abuse issues? Does she have enough Insurance that could cover that? Is there a Professional involved who could help with that? Now that she is a captive audience at the BH Unit, maybe there can be some sort of further treatment for her issues? Is there a way that she could be seeing Professionals for those issues while also in the BH Unit?

We have a Feature Article that would interest you, Mama-san, I think: Anosognosia and Getting a Borderline into Therapy. This is a very good Article with some good information and great tips, and a couple of videos that give more explanations on how to handle our BPD loved ones who are bucking Treatment. I hope it helps you in some way  

And, I'm very happy that your grandchildren are well-taken care of, and in a loving, happy home 

[Mama-san]

Thank you, Rapt Reader, for the article recommendation. 

I've been away from the Board here for several days and during the interim our D-36 has remained in the hospital but moved from BH to the acute care floor which means she has not received any therapy during a large part of this hospital stay.  She has been too physically ill to take part in therapy while in the BH dept and therapy is not offered outside the unit.  She has been in for almost 4 weeks.

To your point, there has always been a Plan in place when D-36 DCs from the hospital.  Her father and I insist on a meeting with the therapist or treatment team before every DC, and we also have a personal plan for what life adjustments may need to be made. 

With this most recent event she has acknowledged it as a 'serious relapse' and we think she may have grasped that she came very close to dying.  However, we have been at this point before where she has said she is an addict and almost died but when she reaches a level of feeling ok she quits whatever therapy or recovery she may have on board.

When she has revealed more of her recent drug binge we have been validating of her honesty, her insight, whatever is valid- even her stupidity when she said 'what I did was REALLY stupid'.  I said it was one of the stupidest things she has ever done AND I'm glad she's still alive to make better choices.

After much searching we have found a safe place for our D-36 which will give her a safe place to recuperate, provide a 10month recovery program, allow her to continue with her current DBT group and therapy.  It is the local homeless shelter which offers extensive resources at many levels.  It is bare bones yet clean, warm and the staff is caring and compassionate.  So she will go into the shelter and then (HOPEFULLY) choose to go thought the recovery program AND continue DBT.  It is up to her to decide. The resources are there for her.

It has been hard to wrap our heads around the fact that our D will be going to the homeless shelter.  Not what we had in mind for her when we first got on the Hamster Wheel of Borderline.