Maybe the will help me manage to stay sane...

[Redhill mama]

  it says to write a brief introduction. I expect many of you chuckled, like me, at being asked to condense the years of worry, concern, fear, guilt into a brief introduction. I will try! My daughter is diagnosed with BPD having previously been hospitalised for eating disorders three times etc etc. She is, according to the professionals, a very complex case, even amongst people with BPD. Her self harm knows no bounds as she attempts to destroy herself bit by bit. She lives away from home and is in her late 20s. There have been increasing suicide attempts and she is currently in hospital under section 2 of the mental health act, with the possibility of a section 3 and a specialist placement which I currently think is her best hope and I am hopeful that this can be found and funded. I am the "nearest relative" although sadly I live 200 miles away, work full time and have an 11 year old at home. I have good support from my husband and family members and my work is very understanding too... .But it is so so hard. Lately I am awake in the early hours every day and unable to get back to sleep... .Which impacts on the day ahead. I am not stressed or worried in the way I have been in the past for I have worked hard to understand how to keep myself as well as possible but I am struggling with "what next" and it is hard to be so far away, I can't even visit easily. We have a much more honest relationship these days... .She is very intelligent and articulate and has managed to convince professionals in the past that she is better able to manage than she is. I am so grateful that her current social worker understands her well and that my daughter trusts her. I struggle with the knowledge that some of my behaviours a long time ago added to her emotional stress and fear of abandonment... .I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with their Dad and have only recently become fully aware of how much his behaviours impacted on them from very early days... .Not only that but I coped by returning to work earlier than I had intended to "escape" and both my girls have talked about that time as impacting on them negatively. I understand that I was much much younger and I did what I thought was best for us all at the time... .To keep the family together. I now have been told that it may have been better to separate earlier! We live and learn. I can forgive myself to a large extent but I just feel so very very sad that my actions, along with those of my ex husband, caused the family to dysfunction such that both daughters require therapy and one has BPD. I know that I am also seen as a bit of a hero by them for leaving when I did, showing them a true loving relationship by marrying again some 16 years ago and working to keep the family financially secure. So why am I awake every night again? It may be just that whilst I cope well in the day at night I wonder what the future holds for her, what the next steps might be. I am sure I'm not the only parent who says goodbye each time wondering if they will ever see their child again. It is hard. It is complicated by having a sister who has mental health issues whose husband was killed in an RTA last year... .She is struggling and needs support too... .My job is working with and for children with challenging behaviours (!) so that can be draining. I feel tired. I am wondering what support I need, what is available. I find little time now for my own friends... .My brain has such limited capacity for anything more than work, home (my 11 year old has traits of Aspergers and I want to try hard to get it right so that she avoids mental health difficulties... .which results in me trying too hard and getting it wrong!). I keep fit and eat healthily now which had helped me a lot in my mission to avoid depression which I experienced nearly two years ago as I began menopause... .Don't want to go back there thank you!

Phew... .Do we all find it cathartic first post? If you have read this far... .Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Redhill mama

Welcome to bpdfamily  The situation with your daughter is very concerning, I am sorry you're going through this right now.

I struggle with the knowledge that some of my behaviours a long time ago added to her emotional stress and fear of abandonment... .I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with their Dad and have only recently become fully aware of how much his behaviours impacted on them from very early days... .Not only that but I coped by returning to work earlier than I had intended to "escape" and both my girls have talked about that time as impacting on them negatively. I understand that I was much much younger and I did what I thought was best for us all at the time... .To keep the family together. I now have been told that it may have been better to separate earlier! We live and learn. I can forgive myself to a large extent but I just feel so very very sad that my actions, along with those of my ex husband, caused the family to dysfunction such that both daughters require therapy and one has BPD.

I can relate to the struggles you describe here with possibly having made the wrong decisions in the past. It is what it is though. You probably did the best you could with the knowledge you had back then. looking back with all the new knowledge you have now it might seem that you could have or should have done things differently, but when you're in the situation you're doing the best you can to survive. Coping mechanisms born out of a desire to survive aren't necessarily the best or most healthy, definitely not in the long run, but as you know better you do better.

My daughter is diagnosed with BPD having previously been hospitalised for eating disorders three times etc etc. She is, according to the professionals, a very complex case, even amongst people with BPD. Her self harm knows no bounds as she attempts to destroy herself bit by bit. She lives away from home and is in her late 20s. There have been increasing suicide attempts and she is currently in hospital under section 2 of the mental health act, with the possibility of a section 3 and a specialist placement which I currently think is her best hope and I am hopeful that this can be found and funded. I am the "nearest relative" although sadly I live 200 miles away, work full time and have an 11 year old at home. I have good support from my husband and family members and my work is very understanding too... .But it is so so hard.

The situation with your daugther is very difficult but I am pleased her mental health is being assessed and she's at least getting some treatment now. How do you feel about the hospital she's in and the people treating her?

Worrying about a BPD daughter can really take it's toll on you so I am glad you feel like you have a good support network for yourself.

At what point was your daughter diagnosed with BPD? And when did the suicide attempts start?

Take care and thanks for sharing your story here  I hope we can offer you some hope, advice and support as you deal with this difficult situation.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Redhill mama & I'd like to join Kwamina in saying: 

Thanks for the Introduction; your story sounds very similar to every other story on this Board, and believe me: We all wish we knew then what we know now. And I would give almost anything to go back in time to rectify all sorts of things I erroneously did or said, thinking they would be helpful to my BPD son (who is 37 now), but of course they were not  

How long has she been in her current facility? Do you have any idea how long the Program should last? Does she like it there? When my son had his last (of several) Suicidal Ideations almost 2 years ago, he eventually ended up in a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program (his mental health issues were exacerbated by a multi-year Heroin Addiction), and that Program--where he received his BPD diagnosis--was a Godsend to him. He loved it there, was so excited to receive the proper diagnosis and Treatment, and his life was really saved by the wonderful Staff and the careful, caring Program. The right Professionals can make such a difference!

I used to stay awake all night (prior to his being admitted to that Program), wondering what the future would bring for him, wondering if he were even alive or not, if he wasn't home. Going to bed at night and feeling as though I hadn't had one minute of sleep in the morning when it was time to go to work. Wow... .I don't miss those days, and I hope that your daughter's Recovery happens and you are able to get a good night's sleep very, very soon, Redhill mama