Dear Sweeper:
I am sorry you have to be here because of the situation with your son and daughter-in-law, but am glad you found us. There are so many of us who have been through what you are facing, and I have found much help from some very kind and caring people on this site. A few questions: how old is your ds (dear son)? Do they live close by? And how old is your GD (granddaughter)? Have you had any contact at all with the little one? You state that the therapists have not been helpful---is that where you learned of BPD? Do you have other children?
Our situation is probably similar to yours. Our DS, now 35, met and became involved with a woman whom we suspect has BPD about seven years ago. She became pregnant; our GD6 was born, and they married. They then moved when GD was 3 months old 350 miles away. It turns out uBPDdil (undiagnosed BPD daughter-in-law) had lost custody of her two older children by a previous marriage, and wanted to move to be near them. So they moved, and we see our GD6 about twice a year. The marriage failed; they divorced after she threw him out, and he was homeless, living on the street, then with a series of shady roommates. Complicating this is the fact that our DS is mildly developmentally challenged, and seems to function in very low paying jobs. My DH (dear husband) and I support the little girl, and our DS with my social security check. Because of that support, exdil treats us reasonably well, although the only way our DS gets to see GD6 is when he brings money.
All of which is to say, life gets very complicated with BPD---whether you are the parent or the step parent or the inlaw of such a person. DH and I have found help from AlAnon---our DS had some drinking issues early on, and his exwife did as well. At any rate, that was our foot in the door, and I cannot say enough about the help and support that the twelve step program has provided. I also have found great support at this site, and would encourage you to make use of the tools here to learn as much as possible about this condition and how people cope with it. Although our DS never really stopped communicating with us, we had to tread very carefully when they were together, because she did try to control many aspects of his life, and he did become terribly isolated. I would urge you to try to understand your DS's position---he is undoubtedly walking on eggshells, and may be distancing himself from his family for his own safety. We will never know all that happened to our DS during their marriage, but I am sure there was significant physical and emotional abuse that he suffered. And DH and I, although often frustrated with his apparent inability to extract himself from her continued demands, have great admiration for his devotion to his daughter. Many many fathers would have simply checked out and walked away, I am sure.
At any rate, please keep posting, and do look at the lessons on this board when you have time. You are not alone! Best wishes as you struggle with this heartache. And welcome, once again. Swampped
