Naked Selfies

[cloudten]

So... .this is something that has bothered me for a while- and I am not sure if its a BPD symptom or just my pwBPD's personality.

He sends me an insane number of naked selfies, daily, and expects "oohs" and "ahhs" and "you're hot"... .etc. It is literally hundreds I receive in a month. I mean he is good looking IMO, but sometimes I think there must be something wrong with him. He's hot and all, but somedays I want to say "I know what you look like... .you can stop now".  Don't get me wrong- I like to have fun and flirt and the occasional suggestive picture keeps excitement going- so I understand the value. But this has got to be at an unhealthy level from him. Yet, I feel like if I say something, he'll just go send them to someone else, or start his web-cam crap again.

Is this common for people with BPD to do this... .or could it just be him?  Seems to me that a lot of BPDs are hyper-sexual.

[EaglesJuju]

It is common to want to know and analyze our pwBPD's behavior. It is hard to generalize behavior that may be attributed to a pwBPD, since it is a spectrum disorder. Although, pwBPD have dysfunction in their fronto-limbic system. This dysfunction leads to issues with impulsivity. A biological predisposition for  impulsivity usually leads to stimuli seeking behavior to satiate the impulsive urges. Many pwBPD engage in risky behaviors, such as promiscuity and sex addiction to fill the urges.

[vortex of confusion]

Is this common for people with BPD to do this... .or could it just be him?  Seems to me that a lot of BPDs are hyper-sexual.

I think it might be better to figure out why you continue to allow something that you don't really like. If you are not setting a boundary and telling him to stop, then is it possible that he doesn't know that you don't really like receiving the pictures.

I think a lot of people get caught up in the questions of "is this normal" or "is this typical BPD" when I think the focus should be more on "Is this something that I can live with? If I can't live with it, then how can I set a boundary in a way that is healthy for me yet respects the other person?"

[Crumbling]

My BPDh seeks a lot of validation on his physical appearance, all the time, daily even.  I'm lucky that he is tech illiterate, so I don't have this sort of issue.  It's the constant need for validation that happens in pwBPD, it just manifests itself in different ways in different people.

But yeah, I think the question is less about why and more about what you feel should be done about it. 

Thanks for sharing!

[cloudten]

I mean I can live with it even though sometimes its over the top. I guess I would rather him be sending them to me than someone else... .which I am certain he would do if I asked him to stop. He would use it as an excuse in his own head to cheat.

Is it unhealthy to not make this a boundary? (Unhealthy of me and/or him?) (I guess I am asking if I am crazy for allowing it? I question my own judgement with everything now)

I still have so much to learn.

[Crumbling]

    You're not alone, Cloudten, we've all been there. 

No, you are not crazy for allowing it, as long as it is something that feels healthy and right for YOU.  If you are allowing it so he wont sent them elsewhere, it may be wise to rethink things.  Your post reads like you're in the second category.

Boundaries don't have to be a cut and dry all or nothin line, either.  They can lay somewhere in between.  'One a day is good', or 'only at these times' or something that is set up that way, like a compromise.  There's lots of good advice all over this site about setting healthy boundary.  ANd maybe this topic would be a good place for you to start practicing setting them.

Just like it's your decision as to what parts of this behaviour is acceptable to you, it's up to your pwBPD to decide if this behaviour is healthy or not.  It depends on where he is with therapy, if he is even in therapy, what other issue he's dealing with, etc.  We can't change their behaviours, but we can learn tool to help us cope.

[vortex of confusion]

I mean I can live with it even though sometimes its over the top.

There is a big difference between living with something and thriving. Be honest with yourself about how you really feel about this. It isn't easy. Is this something that you want to draw a line in the sand over or is it a minor annoyance that doesn't really have that much impact on you.

I guess I would rather him be sending them to me than someone else... .which I am certain he would do if I asked him to stop. He would use it as an excuse in his own head to cheat.

IF you were to take this out of the equation, what would you do? If you could ask him to stop without worrying about him sending them to somebody else, would you ask him to stop? It is so difficult to make decisions based on how I honestly feel rather than making a decision out of fear of my husband's reaction. You are in a FOG state and that makes it really difficult to see straight and figure things out. A whole lot of us have been there or are still there to one degree or another.

Is it unhealthy to not make this a boundary? (Unhealthy of me and/or him?) (I guess I am asking if I am crazy for allowing it? I question my own judgement with everything now)

You are not crazy. You have identified an issue that bothers you and now you are trying to seek input to make an informed and rational decision about how to deal with it. That is not crazy. That is actually pretty level headed. Everybody is different. If you like getting an occasional picture, then what is the problem? There is only a problem IF you don't like it yet allow it to continue. It is only unhealthy to not make the boundary if it is something that truly bothers you. Like Crumbling said, there are more options than letting him send you pictures all the time or asking him to send none at all.

Some other things to consider:

-Does he expect you to respond to every picture he sends? If so, do you? If you stopped responding, would he stop sending them?

-Is it possible to quietly delete the pictures without looking at them?

-Do the pictures interfere with something that you are doing?

It really helps to look at YOUR situation. People here can ask you questions and share opinions and give you food for thought. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what will realistically work for you.

[cloudten]

All really excellent questions! So much to think about for sure. Thanks so much!