What to do about holiday parenting time?

[Swiggle]

So we haven't heard back from the attorney yet. DH and I We were looking ahead on the calendar last night and we thought of another that needs to be clarified with her. I cringe anytime we have to bring something up since it almost always causes a huge fight with her.

The tone of her last email was that she was working together with us (not really) but we were the ones who wanted everything spelled out in the new agreement and now that it is that is how she is operating. The thing is she only reacts, she never thinks ahead in terms of how her choices could affect her later. For instance in the past if a holiday falls on our night but it is her holiday she would get the kids overnight and bring them back the next morning instead of how the agreement is writen now that they would have to be home by 9pm. (of course some holidays says overnight but a few of them do not). Keeping them overnight on a holiday was a verbal/email agreement they had and have practiced for over a year now.

With her last email having the tone of "I'm not working with you any longer" and this verbal agreement they had timing on holidays was not written in the new agreement. We aren't sure how this will play out going forward. We want to work with her but at the same time you all know how it is to try and work logically with someone like this. She will always want us to bend in her favor but will not be willing to reciprocate.

Our options are

1. Send an email now to discuss how "together" this will get handled going forward so that we are all clear on the details. By sending it now we are hoping there is less reaction because it won't be a decision that has to be made in the heat of the moment.

2. Not say anything and let this year's Thanksgiving play out. She will expect to keep the kids overnight since we always have and she likes shopping with DSD. When we tell her that no the agreement states the kids have to be home by 9 and she wanted to follow it to the letter, she will blow up and it will get ugly. She loves black friday shopping with her DD and with the way agreement is, she will always have to have the kids home by 9pm because it is our parenting night.

3. Use this to gently point out now that in order for everyone to get what they need and to be fair, bringing back into play the winter break. That we shouldn't be expected to follow the agreement for things such as the winter break issue, but not for things that are a benefit to her.

Thoughts?

Any of the scenarios will suite the kids so we can't look at it in a "what is best for the kids" way.

[david]

In situations like this I send an email pointing out what has been done in the past. To me, and the courts, setting a precedent does change the custody order. You just need enough evidence. One change is not a big deal but multiple times following the precedent does lend credence to the "agreed" upon change.

I usually say something like, "In the past we used to have the children sleep over during such and such. You have indicated in the email dated xyz that you want to strictly follow the court order from now on. Following your request the children will be returned by 9pm on Thanksgiving."

Not sure if that works in your situation but it does in mine. Ex will be furious and lash out in her reply. If she leaves a shred of something that allows me to "work together" I use that part of her rant to rechange our agreement and include what I also was trying to accomplish. If she leaves nothing in her rant than I ignore. If my ex has enough advance notice she will change her idea into the one I suggeted. She will then initiate an email weeks later with the rechange being her idea. I simply agree and things get accomplished. This only works when I have enough time. Sometimes it doesn't work and I haven't figured out the reason. I know it's twisted but I take a long range view of things.

Also, my emails are always written, saved, read over several times, massaged, and then sent. It takes a few days. I also keep in my head that a judge will probably be reading this sometime in the future.

[ForeverDad]

Are you stating you want to strictly follow the order with no exceptions?  If so, then please understand that I will have to also respond with No any time you make requests for deviations from the order.  If not, then let's determine the best way both parents can handle requests from either side so we can avoid repeated conflicts.  What cannot work is where one parent wants and expects occasional exceptions while at the same time denying that same ability to the other parent.

As an example, here are two upcoming situations.  The order states your holiday time this upcoming Thanksgiving ends at 9 pm that evening and our daughter will be be with me on my scheduled time thereafter including Black Friday.  The order also states using the parenting schedule for much of the time during the school's Winter Break.  The first puts you at a disadvantage this year as compared to past arrangements, the second puts me at a disadvantage this year as compared to past arrangements.

In both situations above we had allowed reciprocal accommodations for each other in the past.  So... .do we strictly follow the order in every case, with no deviations?  In other words, if you get to say No, then I can and must do the same as well.  Or do we agree to allow reasonable requests from the other parent on a somewhat equal basis, as we have done in the past?  I realize requests may have to be limited but my boundary is that they must be agreed or denied (1) on an relatively equal basis and (2) far enough in advance to allow planning and scheduling.  That is my boundary which I see as reasonable.  Do you agree?

That said, it is difficult if not downright impossible to reason with an entitled and controlling pwBPD (or some other acting-out PD).  So if a straightforward request doesn't work, don't keep trying endlessly.  Evidently too she's 'punishing' you because you took her to court and got an order with teeth.  Don't reward her or empower her with what she would perceive as begging and groveling for your crumbs.  It will just become negative engagement without positive results.

It's possible too that she expected her Denial to result in you 'sweetening the deal' more and more.  If that's the case, then in her mind she's entitled to stonewall you in order to get more concessions.  And keep using that strategy of firm boundaries every time you make requests.  So don't reward her for obstructing.  Set your boundaries and don't weaken them lest you encourage repeated boundary pushing.

[Matt]

A couple of comments... .

First, if you called your attorney last week, or over the weekend, and he hasn't even had the courtesy to return your call yet, I think you should be looking for an attorney that wants to do the work.  People who are abusive - as all of us here who have been in relationships with someone with BPD know from experience - are abusive.  One thing, then another, usually worse.  So an attorney who is abusive in this relatively small, passive-aggressive way, will also abuse you in other ways.

You can look for someone who wants the work, and/or you could send your attorney a brief e-mail:  "I called you on Friday and you have not returned my call yet.  This is unacceptable.  If you would like to continue to work with me, call me today, prepared to discuss the issue I told you about."  Then let him decide if he wants to step up, and treat you like his client - which means his boss - or not.

About the holidays... .

My instinct would be, lay out a reasonable plan for the upcoming holidays, maybe including the next several months if you can look out that far - however many holidays you think is reasonable to plan for.

Take in mind everything you know about Mom's preferences, and Dad's, and the kids', plus travel time etc.  Make it the best plan you can, as if you were the judge.

Put it in an e-mail, but keep it very specific and practical.  Nothing vague or philosophical - just a simple schedule, and maybe something like, "This is the best plan we could figure out so the kids can spend time with both families" or whatever - a simple declaration of what you are trying to do, and then the schedule.  Then, "We'll proceed accordingly but please let us know if there is another schedule that would work better." or something like that, showing you are open to her input, but not leaving it up in the air.

Then see how she reacts.

My ex was super-disagreeable, and very passive-aggressive, til I adopted this style, and it works very well most of the time.  If she doesn't react well - maybe she'll reject it, or send an aggressive response of some sort - then you'll have tried your best, and you can move on to the legal process.

[Swiggle]

Just heard back from our attorney. He said, Any time during the winter/spring break that is not specifically listed reverts to the week to week parenting order.  Therefore the parties time should be fairly equitable.  You need a change of circumstances to modify the parenting order again.

I read that as we are stuck with her getting more time during winter break at least the next several years and that we can't really modify since there hasn't been a change in circumstances. UGH

I guess our next step will be the approach about the other details that weren't clarified by the agreement and see what she says. We are aware that sometimes it is going to work and sometimes it isn't but to not have to have these discussions/blow ups would be rather nice. I just want to know what to expect.

Forever dad, I like the approach you mentioned below. For her sometimes she gets triggered, reacts and doesn't think. When some time has gone by and we point out that this will in fact impact her she will sometimes change her tune. She makes it sound like we ask her to give up all this time when we are only asking for it to be FAIR

[Swiggle]

I was just reading through the new agreement that was filed, in addition to not having any language about winter break there isn't any language about the kids birthdays, parent's birthdays, mothers day or fathers day.

This could get really out of control ugly.

Swiggle

[Matt]

I was just reading through the new agreement that was filed, in addition to not having any language about winter break there isn't any language about the kids birthdays, parent's birthdays, mothers day or fathers day.

This could get really out of control ugly.

What you said the attorney said about "change of circumstances" - I think that's common language - the courts don't want to re-fight battles just because somebody's a sore loser... .

But I wonder if "change of circumstances" could include new information, like, "This CO was intended to settle issues related to the schedule, but it has not worked - here's evidence that it's not working - so we ask that it be made more specific, to minimize conflict between the parents."

I haven't been through this exactly, but kinda... .

When we separated, I didn't want a divorce - my wife said she didn't either - but she filed for divorce because she thought she would get more money short-term if she did that.  (Her lawyer misled her.)  I didn't hire a lawyer, and responded to her petition by agreeing to what she wanted - "OK, if we get a divorce, it can be like this.  But let's find a counselor and try to save the marriage."  It wasn't smart, but I wasn't in my right mind... .

Later, when I got a good lawyer, she said, "This is a problem - you agreed in writing that she would get primary custody.  That issue is settled."  I said that wasn't acceptable, and she found a solution:  We said that we had new information - our marriage counselor had told me about BPD and that my wife had most of the indicators for it - which I didn't know when I agreed to give her primary custody.

It worked;  in fact, my wife's attorney accepted it without the judge even ruling.  First she called me a liar, but when both attorneys talked to the marriage counselor and found out I was telling the truth, they agreed to set aside what I had agreed to, and work out custody fresh.  Which led to a much better outcome.

My point is, "change of circumstances" might mean a lot of things, including just the fact that the court order has not achieved what it was intended to.

You may have to assemble some e-mails and any other evidence you have, to show that it's not working.  And you might want to try some other, non-legal approaches first, to document that you are doing everything you can, and it's still not working, so it has to be changed.

[ForeverDad]

My county has a list of standard holidays and events on a published holiday schedule.  IT includes several religions so although unstated we are still to ignore the ones that don't apply.  Mother's Day, Father's Day and the children's birthdays are on our list but not the parents' birthdays.

Check whether your county has a standard holiday list, likely it does.  My county calls it a Guideline Parenting Schedule, includes limits to vacation details, notices, exchange time window, etc.   If so, try to get ex to agree to use it without resorting to a return to court.  Be sure you get agreement on which holidays to observe and which are to be ignored, for example, if you're not Chinese then you would agree to ignore Chinese New Years Day, if you're not Mexican then you would ignore Mexico's Independence Day, etc.

[Matt]

My county has a list of standard holidays and events on a published holiday schedule.  IT includes several religions so although unstated we are still to ignore the ones that don't apply.  Mother's Day, Father's Day and the children's birthdays are on our list but not the parents' birthdays.

Check whether your county has a standard holiday list, likely it does.  My county calls it a Guideline Parenting Schedule, includes limits to vacation details, notices, exchange time window, etc.   If so, try to get ex to agree to use it without resorting to a return to court.  Be sure you get agreement on which holidays to observe and which are to be ignored, for example, if you're not Chinese then you would agree to ignore Chinese New Years Day, if you're not Mexican then you would ignore Mexico's Independence Day, etc.

Yeah, this approach would enhance your credibility as the party trying to be reasonable and meet all parties' needs - using an objective source like this as the basis for what you put forward.

[david]

If you get the standard holiday schedule in your locale and email it to BPD you may get a reply that shows how difficult she is. That could be considered a change in circumstances since she has shown her unwillingness to "coparent". Then if you go to court you can address the other issues too. Not sure if that is a proper legal tactic.

[Matt]

If you get the standard holiday schedule in your locale and email it to BPD you may get a reply that shows how difficult she is. That could be considered a change in circumstances since she has shown her unwillingness to "coparent". Then if you go to court you can address the other issues too. Not sure if that is a proper legal tactic.

Yeah, this makes sense to me too - at least worth discussing with your attorney.

"When we settled and the CO was written, it was assumed that both parents would and could work together in the kids' best interest.  The attached e-mails show that this is not true.  Now we need a revised CO taking that into account."

[Swiggle]

At the end of the section on holidays there is verbage that says "unless changed by agreement, days of special meaning and vacations times shall be consistent with local rule, attached hereto and incorporated herein.

So I emailed attorney in meantime to help us understand what this means and to send us the local rule. In the meantime I looked it up for our county and found one that is effective March of this year that states... .

a. Winter Break

The parents will equally divide the children's winter break. This paragraph should be read in conjunction with the holiday schedule below. The parents will discuss and agree upon the allocation of the break at least thirty (30) days prior to the commencement of the break. If the parents cannot agree on the schedule for the break, the break will be divided equally.

If there is no agreement, the parent who is scheduled to celebrate Christmas Eve shall have the children from the day school is adjourned for the winter break through the scheduled Christmas Eve holiday, and the parent who is scheduled to have Christmas day will have the children for an equal number of days. The remaining days of the break shall also be equally divided with the parent scheduled to have the children for the New Year’s holiday including that time in their half of the remaining days.

So this may be our saving grace and we aren't at the mercy of her mood to determine the time we get and we don't have to "switch" days with her.

[Nope]

Yes, that seems pretty clear to me. If Christmas isn't mentioned by name elsewhere, then I would think this rule applies.

Ive found directly quoting from the order and from other source material (such as local rules) to be very effective. With my DH's BPDex it's the only time she has completely backed down. I think think there is something comforting for her about the certainty when rules are iron clad and black and white, like the way she thinks anyway.

[david]

I would send an email with the law in it and let BPD know you are going to follow the law. If you have an idea for the holiday you can send that too in the email. That will be longer than the recommended 3 to 5 sentence rule but this seems like a good time to be longer in the email. I would write it out and save it. Look at it the next day or let others here see what you want to send. Remember that a judge may be looking at this some time in the future. Know your audience.

If you want to modify the law with a separate agreement, in an email, then you can approach it that way too.

My xBPDw always follows the court order even when she doesn't like the results. It's the only authority she hasn't tried to bully. I've even seen her yelling at police when she was clearly in the wrong.

[Swiggle]

we clarified withou our attorney and he interprets that agreement referring to the local rule as we do. He is checking with uBPDex's attorney but is confident this is in our favor. Here is the email we came up with to send to her (after we here back from counsel). We really really want the 29th and 30th as I have my kids and we would like to travel out of town to visit my family. How do you think this sounds?

Dear uBPDex

Because items such as spring break, winter break, mother’s day, father’s day, kids’ birthdays and parents birthdays are not specifically listed in the new agreement they fall back to local rule 18. You can find a copy of the local rule here ….Based on the local rule winter break gets divided equally. We have confirmed this with both attorneys.

Local rule states that the winter break begins the day that school is out 12/19 and the parent who has them for Christmas Eve would get them after school on the 19th until noon on Christmas day, in this case me. In order to have the kids on the 29th and 30th I would be agreeable to having the break start on the 22nd so that your normal weekend before Christmas would not be affected. I understand if this doesn’t work for you and in that case we can go with the local rule which looks like this:

Me kids: After school on the 19th – Christmas Morning at noon (6 days) (since Christmas Eve is my holiday this year)

you kids: Noon Christmas Day – 9am on New Year’s Eve (6 days) (since Christmas Day is your hoilday this year)

Me Kids: New Year’s Eve – noon on New Year’s Day (NYE is my holiday this year)

You Kids: New Year’s Day – 9am on the 3rd (NYE is your hoilday this year)

Me Kids: 3rd & 4th

If you have another suggestion that I might not have thought of please let me know. I hope that we can find a solution together so that we can both enjoy the kids time off over the hoidays.

[david]

I think it's good that you included both attorneys. Lets her know that a boundary is already in place and everyone knows what it is. 

If you are okay with either agreement than I think it is good. Giving my BPD choices tends to backfire sometimes. By backfire I mean that it takes days and many back and forth emails to clarify. That is something you may notice or it may not be an issue for you.

I would not include the last sentence if I wrote it. That is a personal thing for me. I have found that when I write something like that I usually get some kind of passive/aggressive reply. It took me a while to figure that out because I wasn't trying to give a dig but I believe ex interpreted it that way. When I stopped adding any semblance of coparenting in my emails things got less hostile in ex's replies. That may not be the case for you so I wouldn't worry about it unless you do notice a similar reply.

I normally spell out each specific date and time. It takes out any chance of ambiguity.

Example: Kids are with me Dec 19 at 4pm, Dec 20, Dec 21, Dec 22, Dec 23, Dec 24, Dec 25 until noon

               Kids are with you Dec 25 at noon, Dec 26, Dec 27, Dec 28, Dec 29, Dec 30, Dec 31 until 9 am

You get the idea. My ex thrives on ambiguity and likes to create chaos when things are not spelled out. I believe it gives her a sense of "control".

Our summer schedule is week on / week off and I spell each day out the same way. When I didn't do that she would try to pick our boys up in the middle of my week. I actually let her make the schedule and then I reply by spelling it out in detail. This gives her that sense of "control" that she needs.

[Matt]

Yeah, you want to keep it as short as possible, and make the schedule absolutely clear - dates and times - so it can't possibly be misunderstood.

[ForeverDad]

Or endlessly reinterpreted.

[Matt]

Or endlessly reinterpreted.

Yes.

The way I've learned to phrase it is, "I will pick up the kids at your place at noon on Saturday October 11, and bring them back to your place at noon on Saturday October 18."  Specific day, date, time and location.

[Swiggle]

Update:

We still haven't gotten clarification from our attorney, he said that her attorney is stalling and they have been playing phone tag  

Yesterday SD had another ortho consult and DH took her and uBPDex was there. As they were leaving she said "have you thought about the details for Sunday" he looked at her and asked what she was talking about. She said "it is my birthday Sunday and according to the local rule I get the kids even though it isn't stated in the agreement.  Nothing else was said about it. Last night we sent and email along the lines of... .

today you mentioned your birthday on Sunday and following the local rule for items not specified in teh agreement. Since we are going to follow the the rule for such items, how will we be handling winter break? Would you like to go exactly by the rule or wwould you like to work something else out that might better work with both our schedules.

I think she'll come back and say she only wants to go by the local rule for her birthday but we will see.


Edited to add that she responded... .

she said "I'm not sure what you are talking about. I never said anything about "local rule"... .Which,by the way, only applies in absence of a shared parenting agreement. We have one. So we go by the one we have. I simply asked if we were going to be handling birthdays the way we had in the past since it is not addressed in our agreement. I have already told you that I have made my Holiday plans around our current schedule in the agreement that YOU insisted we re-do.  I suggest you do the same and please stop constantly trying to change the plan. If you do not want to have the kids on our birthdays, then so be it.


So she is giving the impression that she is not going to follow for winter break the local rule. So we have two options, show good faith and let her have the kids this Sunday and just do, what we are going to to over winter break and not even involve the attorneys or we don't let her have her birthday (becasue honestly I don't think she deserves to) and know that the winter break thing will be worked out by December.

I also looked ahead and DH would end up not having the kids on his birthday and Mother's Day and Father's Day both fall on her weekends next year. I HATE THIS F***ING WOMAN. Thakn you for letting me vent and I'm sure your calm responses will help me off the ledge of anger.

[ForeverDad]

I also looked ahead and DH would end up not having the kids on his birthday and Mother's Day and Father's Day both fall on her weekends next year... .

I want to call this "selective guilting".  She wants something, claiming it is reasonable but then is unreasonable on something else and just never admits any connection between the two.  It's not accidental, it's purposeful, likely she got away with it in the past and so has no incentive to change.  Likely you'll have to very clearly make a connection and/or enforce it.

I too looked ahead to next year.  In past years MD & FD were always 5 weeks apart.  For some reason every year MD was on my weekend and FD was on her weekend, a real hassle with the extra exchanges and her resistance and guilting.  So I got to thinking we just had the wrong weekends assigned.  I was almost ready to switch weekends but then noticed 2015 has MD & FD 6 weeks apart and both would have ended up on her weekend.  So I didn't suggest swapping weekends.

My understanding is that Mother's Day & Father's Day are expected schedule exceptions as well as the children's birthdays.  But not so much for the parent's birthdays, they're not mentioned in my county's list of holidays and events.  So it may be optional in many areas, the key is to be consistent whichever direction you take.

[Matt]

To:  Mom

From:  Dad

Re:  Our birthdays

You asked to have the kids on your birthday.  I will drop them off at noon Sunday and pick them up at 6:00 p.m.

Then we can do likewise on my birthday, June 1.

This approach works well for me:  Say what you are going to do, and then do it.

Make sure it is a reasonable and practical plan for everybody.  (If noon to 6:00 isn't best, put whatever times make sense for everybody's schedule, the best you can.)

If Mom doesn't agree for some reason, she can respond accordingly.  No response means she accepts your plan.  And you are putting in writing that you expect this approach to apply on Dad's birthday too;  if she blocks that you will have evidence she is not playing fair.

[Nope]

Yup, she's decided to be infuriating and use the new order to "punish" you for taking her to court. If you believe you can get this in front of a judge before the holidays, and get an answer, I would strongly recommend doing so. I would also strongly recommend a simple addition to the order that states that local rule applies for any occurrences not specifically covered by the plan. That's what DH had in his original parenting plan and it clarified several things that could have been a problem through the couple of years it was in place. Be prepared to cite past "confusion" as a reason to need this. Technically, she isn't obstructing because she is following her understanding of the order. But this confusion is leading to conflict and that needs to be fixed.

She feels that the order took away her power and control and she will tale back a tighter grip however she can. So the order needs to be as explicit as humanly possible because you will need to get used to following it to the letter. She has made it clear to you with that email that you will not get any special consideration from her. She will follow the order to the letter as she perceives it. And if anything can be made ambiguous she will just perceived it in a way that best suits her in the moment.

[ForeverDad]

Likely you cannot enforce something in advance unless there is provision for advance mediation or a parenting coordinator.  I know in my location I can't go to court until something has or hasn't happened, not prospectively as the future possibility.  Ask your lawyer if it is handled differently in your state or locality.  As Matt wrote, you state what you feel is reasonable and do it or expect it.  Then... .(1) If she obstructed then you take the matter to court and get a court ruling/clarification.  (12) If she feels you obstructed then she would take the matter to court and get a court ruling/clarification.

This is re-interpretation.  Expect it to continue happening as long as the ex feels entitled.

[Swiggle]

All great info. Their agreement states who gets what holidays for even/odd years, it is spelled out with timing and everything. It also clearly states "vacation" parameters.

It does not at all address kids birthdays, parents birthdays, mom's day/dad's day, winter break or spring break. It does however state that "unless cahnged by agreement, days of special meaning and vacation times shall be consistent with local rule, attached hereto and incorporated herein. She referenced this as it applies to her bday, then denied that she referenced it.

DH responded to her to email and said.

it states in the new parenting plan, items not specifically addresses in the plan revert back to the local rule. Second, I'm not trying to change the plan, I'm just going by what it says. We handled birthdays in the past as stated in the old parenting plan, and since it wasn't included in the current plan, it should revert back to local rule. Please let me know how you would like to handle this.

We also emaield our attorney putting him on high alert since this is time sensative. I feel like we sort of spelled that out in our first email to her stating great we will follow local rule for things not in the agreement and she immediately said nope I'm not changing my holiday plans. So she is willing to give up her kids for her birthday since she isn't willing to give up anything for winter break. plus she probably looked ahead and knows that DH's bday and mom's/dad's day fall on her weekend.

[Matt]

"Please let me know how you would like to handle this." - I would never write something like this to my ex, because it continues the discussion, and it expects her to solve the problem.  She is a problem-creator, not a problem-solver, so when I expect her to make a decision, I am expecting too much, and putting her under stress.  She doesn't handle stress well - she has BPD.  So putting it on her to solve any problem just doesn't work.

When I put forward a fair, reasonable solution, which meets everybody's needs as I understand them - including my ex's - and when I communicate it as "Here is what I will do." - that works well almost all the time.

By the way, when I deal with other adults, saying "Please let me know how you would like to handle this" is a very good approach, because it lets someone else say what they think would be fair - it's an open, friendly thing to say.  But my ex has BPD, and isn't getting the treatment she needs, so I have to deal with her differently - learn new communication approaches that work when dealing with her.

[Swiggle]

That is the hard part Matt, what worked last week doesn't work today and might work tomorrow. She doensn't like to be told what/how something will be and that usually escalates things even more. How would the followoing sound

Mom

you mentioned that you would like to have the kids for you birthday as stated in the local rule since it isn't specified in our new agreement. Since I would like to continue having the kids on our repective bdays and mom's day/dad's day, winter break and spring break as we have done for the last several years here is how it will work.

I will have the kids to you on Sunday at 10am and will leave them overnight (as we have always done in the past).

We can do likewise on my birthday which falls on a friday. I will get the kids after school on the 30th and have them back to you on Saturday the 1st at 10am.

Winter break will follow below as stated in the local rule.

I will get teh kids on 12/19 after school and have them the 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th and drop them to you on the 25th at 11am.

You will then have the kids on the 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th, and drop them to me at 10am on the 31st.

I will have them the 31st until Noon on the 1st

you will have them on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd until 11am

I will have them the 3rd and 4th dropping them at school on teh 5th

Spring break will follow below as stated in the local rule.

You get odd number years for spring break and I get them even years.

Mothers Day and Fathers Day will be handled in the same manner as our birthdays.

What if she comes back and says fine for bdays and all other things outlined but that she is not in agreement with winter break.

[Nope]

"Please let me know how you would like to handle this." - I would never write something like this to my ex, because it continues the discussion, and it expects her to solve the problem.  

I'd take it a step further and say that this wording is probably triggering. Like you expect to give up and let you have your way. That's how she sees it. She can't let you "win" like that. Matt is right that the better thing to do is write "Per local rule such and such" and then state what you are going to do and leave it there. And then follow the local rule to the letter. She is not going to work with you. She can't. That would be "losing". I know it must seem extremely rude to just lay down the rule and say what you will do, but you may find that she reacts a lot better to certainty than to choices.

Since my DH got custody literally the only nasty email he's even received from his ex was in response to an email he sent with a collaborative and co-parenting tone.

[Nope]

"What if she comes back and says fine for bdays and all other things outlined but that she is not in agreement with winter break.".

She doesn't have to like it. This isn't a negotiation. It's a court order and if she doesn't comply she's in contempt. At this point, check the plan you have written out here with your L. If it follows the order, then have your L send it to her and her L in the mail. That's what DH always did to avoid having visits obstruced.

[Matt]

A couple of thoughts... .

First, a rule of thumb around here is "Three sentences or less.", and that seems to work best.  Keep it as focused as possible - one narrow topic.  Otherwise it gets complicated.  My ex is very intelligent, but when she gets stressed she acts like she's not very smart - she doesn't follow a complicated discussion.  So if I keep it super-simple and focused I have the best chance to get to closure.

And this is what we need - closure - even if it's on a narrow topic like "Mom's birthday and Dad's birthday".  If you try to solve all the related issues - kids' birthdays, winter break, etc. - it's more likely you won't get anything resolved.

Second, I think it's worth considering whether your message is, "The law and our agreement say X, so it's X.";  or whether your message is, "Here is a win/win solution for Mom's and Dad's birthdays."  That is, are you solving the problem to meet everyone's needs, or are you basing everything on the law and the "contract" between the parents.

Both of these are valid ways to go.  I find the "Win/win" approach to work best with my ex.  If things break down completely - and that has happened once since we were divorced - then I'm more than willing to go the hardcore legal route.  I just haven't needed to, except that once - the "Win/win" approach usually works well.