Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:16:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: One BPDs perspective on relationships and break ups (Part 2)  (Read 886 times)
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« on: January 23, 2015, 10:40:05 AM »



If any of you guys have been reading any of my topics regarding my past relationship you would know that it wasn't any easy ride when it came to finding closure.  I recently posted about speaking to a BPD sufferer on a different forum asking questions that i hoped would clear the FOG.  I will copy and paste her 2nd response to the few questions that I asked, her response was as follows:

  It makes me so incredibly happy and thrilled that I was able to help!

As for the whole picture thing, I assume that this boyfriend may not mean that much to her. This is quite laughable, but I'm very sensitive and picky to what I post online, ESPECIALLY when previous boyfriends of mine can see it. She probably didn't tell you about her new boyfriend because she only thinks her new boyfriend and whatever emotions she feels for him are real whenever they are physically together. I did that a few times; I would be dating someone, but whenever they weren't literally with me, it would feel like they never existed. I believe this is another part of the disorder whenever BPD sufferers always have to be with someone or that person doesn't feel real. I believe this ties in with attachment and abandonment issues.

She doesn't want her new boyfriend to associate with you at all most likely because she doesn't want to bring you up anymore. After my previous breakup, I would always avoid talking about ex as much as possible because it would bring back all of the hurt emotions if I didn't. I believe she uses him as a representation in her life as moving on, and due to all of the pain she has experienced with her emotions towards you and the breakup, I doubt she would want to mix those two things together because it would make her feel that pain again.

She will most likely try to contact you again. Depending on how it makes her feel when she attempts to contact you will determine whether it happens more frequently or not. If she does contact you though, it will most likely result in her only blocking you again.

You are still on her mind, but I think additionally that she doesn't want you to be on her mind. I do believe she goes through phases of truly wanting to move on, and she also goes through phases of wanting to go back. I feel like she tries to contact you whenever she wants to go back to you, and she'll block you after because she then remembers that she wants to move on because that pain she was feeling (and possibly is still currently feeling) is unbearable.

I must add that she will truly move on eventually. One day, she will no longer feel the hurt from the breakup as severe as before. She won't think about it constantly. She'll be able to bring you up because she knows all of that is truly in her past. I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid.

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

Again, I'm glad I could previously help and I do hope that I can help you again.


So why am I posting this?

I know everybody is an individual, but, if you can relate to some of these behaviors from your exes, It has left me to believe that, when we are blocked and cut off its down to emotional pain they cant face (we already know this) but, Its made me come to the following conclusion:

When an ex BPD adds us back as friend on social media or texts us without the need to block us it is because they are now indifferent towards us, and the pain they once felt has finally gone.  Where as, when your ex reaches out then either blocks you or ignores you its because they are probably still very much attached to us.  It doesn't matter if theres a new person in their life or even married, the point Im making here is this.  When a BPD can finally add you back on social media or text us without pushing us away, then and only then can we say that they have truly moved on.  The ones that call then block, or text then ignore are the ones that still want to go back to us BUT they are to scared of the emotional pain they once endured towards us.   
Logged
lm911
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2015, 11:54:00 AM »

Thank you very much   
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2015, 11:57:19 AM »

This gal doesn't sound that far out there, pretty self aware.  I've seen the end of relationships the same way she does: when a relationship hasn't worked all of my emotions about her and what we went through are negative and strong, and I just need to be somewhere else for a while.  I don't think I'm unique in that.  And then, with time, depending on the relationship and the person, the emotions wane and I can think about her, even see her, and no big deal, I've even become friends with a couple of exes.  It is about letting go and moving on, and once that's done, it's all good.  But my borderline ex?  No way.  The emotions have waned, but anyone, male or female, who treats me the way she did is not welcome in my life, ever.

Anyway, you're really digging jammo, and good for you.  I don't like social media personally, I think it creates more problems and wastes more time than it's worth, but hey, I'm old.  I don't think there are hard and fast rules regarding borderline rules for social media and texting, but digging there seems to be giving you come peace, and congrats for developing a positive relationship with a borderline online.  Take care of you!
Logged
Mr Hollande
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 631


« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2015, 12:01:50 PM »

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

Not a word in that paragraph considering his feelings, his needs or his privacy. It's all me, me, me.
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2015, 12:29:11 PM »

This gal doesn't sound that far out there, pretty self aware.  I've seen the end of relationships the same way she does: when a relationship hasn't worked all of my emotions about her and what we went through are negative and strong, and I just need to be somewhere else for a while.  I don't think I'm unique in that.  And then, with time, depending on the relationship and the person, the emotions wane and I can think about her, even see her, and no big deal, I've even become friends with a couple of exes.  It is about letting go and moving on, and once that's done, it's all good.  But my borderline ex?  No way.  The emotions have waned, but anyone, male or female, who treats me the way she did is not welcome in my life, ever.

Anyway, you're really digging jammo, and good for you.  I don't like social media personally, I think it creates more problems and wastes more time than it's worth, but hey, I'm old.  I don't think there are hard and fast rules regarding borderline rules for social media and texting, but digging there seems to be giving you come peace, and congrats for developing a positive relationship with a borderline online.  Take care of you!

Shes a recovering BPD sufferer Heels, so im guessing she has become much more aware of her actions towards others.  Yeah I can agree and relate to you regarding "ive seen the end of relationships the same way" But from extensive reading, and i know for a fact you may also know this to but, we all have different personality traits.  For example, humans dont like the feeling of being alone or ignored, but BPD sufferers have much more dramatic highs and lows when compared to us Nons.  For example, I have blocked one of my exes in the past, not because I was using any kind of silent treatment, it was solely used because I still loved her and seeing her would hurt me, BUT, I did not reach out by calling and texting her because just like a BPD it would have upset me.  The difference here is this, I blocked because I still loved emotionally so in essence it was used as NC to heal.  My ex maliciously blocked me, BUT she then tried to contact me 4 months down the line, so what that BPD woman said makes perfect sense, she was probably testing her emotions by reaching out.  A mature person or Non would have reached out in the hope the other party would call them back and contact would initiate.  But in the case of the BPD these intense feelings of emotions makes them panic because it becomes overwhelming.  What Im trying to get at here because your a very knowledgeable guy is this:

When a Non like my self initiates contact, im merely sending a subconscious signal to the other party that I want a reply or to at least hear back from them (answer my question)  The Borderline, wants to reach out but they feel the lows so strongly that they feel that they need to push us away (block us again)  so with that in mind it would suggest that, the BPD in this situation is still attached to us emotionally and that (just like the BPD woman stated) their emotional regulation becomes impulsive, wanting to move forward because the pains to great, or wanting to move back because they miss us, or at least want to hear from us in some way, shape or form.         
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2015, 12:31:54 PM »

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

Not a word in that paragraph considering his feelings, his needs or his privacy. It's all me, me, me.

Great observation there! I just noticed that after you highlighted it, I respect her in a way because shes a recovering borderline so she was only talking about her past within this paragraph when her behavior was a lot worse.  Its nice to read a BPD sufferer whos no longer in denial and is able to open up without triggering herself anymore. 
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2015, 12:56:26 PM »

When a Non like my self initiates contact, im merely sending a subconscious signal to the other party that I want a reply or to at least hear back from them (answer my question)  The Borderline, wants to reach out but they feel the lows so strongly that they feel that they need to push us away (block us again)  so with that in mind it would suggest that, the BPD in this situation is still attached to us emotionally and that (just like the BPD woman stated) their emotional regulation becomes impulsive, wanting to move forward because the pains to great, or wanting to move back because they miss us, or at least want to hear from us in some way, shape or form.         

Yes, that makes sense jammo, all about emotional regulation.  I like to consider the unstable sense of self too; floating around not sure who you are, weathering the next emotional storm, letting it clear, and then being hit by another, like a tumbleweed in a tornado.  I can relate to that because I've been there at different points of my life, the lostness of youth, and it makes me shudder to imagine what it would be like full time.
Logged
billypilgrim
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266


« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2015, 01:04:22 PM »

I'll second what Mr Hollande said, I read a lot of that as solely about her.  Not once does she mention her ex in a way that shows concern for him or his well being. 

I also don't read her comments about moving on as all that accurate.  It doesn't sound like she's moved on, despite what she may say.  It's funny that she even discusses moving on from her ex's the same way mine did.  She even used the phrase "genuinely moved on."  Mine talked about being genuine constantly.  It's almost like she thought that if she said it enough, she would actually be genuine.  Maybe I'm biased from my side of the fence but I don't read her comments at all in the way I think she intends them.

And there's no point in talking to her ex because she didn't feel like it?  She had moved on? What does that even mean?  Why unblock him then?  That's not my understanding of indifference.  That's curiosity veiled under the guise of saying you are indifferent.  That's her sizing him up to see where he is now in life and what he's up to in order to gauge whether or not she should reach out.  If one is truly indifferent, one would keep them blocked and let that be that.  I read the unblocking as their way of keeping tabs as they can never truly let go.  They block initially to move forward and distract themselves with other people.  Then as that initial pain has worn off or subsided or they've just covered it up with someone else, they get curious.  Maybe they're unhappy wherever they are so they start thinking about the past and they begin to wonder what life would be like with an ex and before you know it, that guy that was once painted oh so black is now white again.  There's no such thing as indifference in their black and white world.  You are either good or bad.  There's no room for just meh. 

I know first hand that my ex did this.  When she left, she forgot that all of her social media nonsense was still on my computer.  Naturally, I was curious and went digging. It's odd because even though I could have checked this info whenever I wanted in the past, I had never done it while we were together. But what I found hurt deeply at first but now I view it as more confirmation to stay far, far away from people like this.  She had kept tabs on a lot of her ex's.  She had reached out to them periodically throughout our marriage and relationship.  Mostly chit chat, reliving inside jokes, asking how they are and what they are up to.  She always started off by talking about running into someone or something that reminded her of them then followed it up with a "we should grab a drink sometime."  To my knowledge, she never acted on this but nothing would surprise me at this point. 

Maybe it's just me but I think that's really off the wall behavior.  I've never done that with any of my ex's.  But what was even weirder to me was that these were the same people whom she vilified to me early on.  These were the people I was "rescuing" her from, that had treated her so poorly and caused her so much pain.  One had even supposedly raped her.  Yet here are loads of facebook messages and e-mails to them as if everything is just dandy between her and them.  It was very, very strange.  And after she left, she replaced me with one of the ex's in which she re-initiated contact.  How that guy won the "recycle" lottery with my ex is a different discussion but I for one do not intend on purchasing any tickets.


And Jammo, I don't mean to be poo-pooing on the pwBPD that's communicating with you.  I commend her for dealing with her issues and as others have said, she does seem very self-aware.  I just hear a lot of the same things in her responses that I heard from my ex.  All talk.  Never the actions that back it up.  And I see the same sorts of contradictions between talk and actions with this person you have been corresponding with and my ex.  I wish her well though and I hope that she continues to be a helpful source of information for you.

 
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2015, 01:19:22 PM »

I'll second what Mr Hollande said, I read a lot of that as solely about her.  Not once does she mention her ex in a way that shows concern for him or his well being.  

I also don't read her comments about moving on as all that accurate.  It doesn't sound like she's moved on, despite what she may say.  It's funny that she even discusses moving on from her ex's the same way mine did.  She even used the phrase "genuinely moved on."  Mine talked about being genuine constantly.  It's almost like she thought that if she said it enough, she would actually be genuine.  Maybe I'm biased from my side of the fence but I don't read her comments at all in the way I think she intends them.

And there's no point in talking to her ex because she didn't feel like it?  She had moved on? What does that even mean?  Why unblock him then?  That's not my understanding of indifference.  That's curiosity veiled under the guise of saying you are indifferent.  That's her sizing him up to see where he is now in life and what he's up to in order to gauge whether or not she should reach out.  If one is truly indifferent, one would keep them blocked and let that be that.  I read the unblocking as their way of keeping tabs as they can never truly let go.  They block initially to move forward and distract themselves with other people.  Then as that initial pain has worn off or subsided or they've just covered it up with someone else, they get curious.  Maybe they're unhappy wherever they are so they start thinking about the past and they begin to wonder what life would be like with an ex and before you know it, that guy that was once painted oh so black is now white again.  There's no such thing as indifference in their black and white world.  You are either good or bad.  There's no room for just meh.  

I know first hand that my ex did this.  When she left, she forgot that all of her social media nonsense was still on my computer.  Naturally, I was curious and went digging. It's odd because even though I could have checked this info whenever I wanted in the past, I had never done it while we were together. But what I found hurt deeply at first but now I view it as more confirmation to stay far, far away from people like this.  She had kept tabs on a lot of her ex's.  She had reached out to them periodically throughout our marriage and relationship.  Mostly chit chat, reliving inside jokes, asking how they are and what they are up to.  She always started off by talking about running into someone or something that reminded her of them then followed it up with a "we should grab a drink sometime."  To my knowledge, she never acted on this but nothing would surprise me at this point.  

Maybe it's just me but I think that's really off the wall behavior.  I've never done that with any of my ex's.  But what was even weirder to me was that these were the same people whom she vilified to me early on.  These were the people I was "rescuing" her from, that had treated her so poorly and caused her so much pain.  One had even supposedly raped her.  Yet here are loads of facebook messages and e-mails to them as if everything is just dandy between her and them.  It was very, very strange.  And after she left, she replaced me with one of the ex's in which she re-initiated contact.  How that guy won the "recycle" lottery with my ex is a different discussion but I for one do not intend on purchasing any tickets.


And Jammo, I don't mean to be poo-pooing on the pwBPD that's communicating with you.  I commend her for dealing with her issues and as others have said, she does seem very self-aware.  I just hear a lot of the same things in her responses that I heard from my ex.  All talk.  Never the actions that back it up.  And I see the same sorts of contradictions between talk and actions with this person you have been corresponding with and my ex.  I wish her well though and I hope that she continues to be a helpful source of information for you.

 

This is why I posted it, because this is a forum for NONs, so I was intending to either help others see things from a BPD perspective while at the same time hoping that If they could relate to these words or actions they would understand what might be going on in that persons head.  I also posted it for a debate, so all opinions and insight is whats needed here.  I want others to read what was stated and either disagree with a reason why, or agree and use an ex as an example to back up such behavior.

See I disagree with the indifference solely because, I personally think that when someone is blocked or cut off drastically its because we meant more to them than others, In my experience I felt that, she hated me for controlling her emotions, she hated the fact that I could make her cry over the most trivial things, she also pushed me away because she came to rely on me emotionally, physically and financially, she was losing the control she tried ever so hard to keep.  Where as, with other exes they would chase and be held at arms length, communication was acceptable but intimacy wasn't.  Personally when I unblock somebody its because I have become indifferent towards that person.  For example I blocked my ex before my current ex for 2 years, I added her back after I split up with my ex and shes like my best girl mate now, she has a long term BF and I would do literally anything for her as a friend.  Keeping someone blocked is a sign that it would take to much negative emotion to begin any kind of communication again, so I have to agree with what that woman said in relation to unblocking when feeling indifferent.

Remember all opinion is based on personal experience, so lets get a debate going :D      
Logged
Restored2
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 329



« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2015, 01:41:38 PM »

jammo1989:  Thank you so very much for posting this insightful response from a woman who has suffered with BPD.  It is quite enlightening to see her reasoning in this from a BPD perspective.  I would like to hear more of these firsthand BPD perspectives, as I think they can be helpful to those of us desperately trying to make some form of sense out of it all.

The below quote from this BPD woman speaks volumes:

"I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid."

Depending on how one looks at it, I guess it can be seen as a compliment of sorts to be coldly cut off and blocked out of a BPD persons life, with interpreting this as them still having strong feeling towards us that are difficult for them to deal with.  Thus the over reactive behavior towards us.

Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2015, 01:51:47 PM »

jammo1989:  Thank you so very much for posting this insightful response from a woman who has suffered with BPD.  It is quite enlightening to see her reasoning in this from a BPD perspective.  I would like to hear more of these firsthand BPD perspectives, as I think they can be helpful to those of us desperately trying to make some form of sense out of it all.

The below quote from this BPD woman speaks volumes:

"I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid."

Depending on how one looks at it, I guess it can be seen as a compliment of sorts to be coldly cut off and blocked out of a BPD persons life, with interpreting this as them still having strong feeling towards us that are difficult for them to deal with.  Thus the over reactive behavior towards us.

EXACTLY! That is why you should see it as a blessing, you left an impact on her so intense emotionally that she had to block you and cut you off completely, this goes hand in hand why they also tend to delete mutual friends on Facebook as well, because they simply remind her if you.  Furthermore, the more reckless their behavior after cutting you off the more they are trying to get you out of their head its an attachment disorder remember.  MY ex blocked me replaced me instantly and got pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, a normal uneducated individual would react like this:

Clinically depressed, chasing her saying why? winding themselves up

An educated individual would react like this:

Wow I didnt know I was that special, I must have been a right catch for her to partake in impulsive behavior solely to cause a distraction to the emotional pain they felt towards US
Logged
billypilgrim
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266


« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2015, 01:53:07 PM »

This is why I posted it, because this is a forum for NONs, so I was intending to either help others see things from a BPD perspective while at the same time hoping that If they could relate to these words or actions they would understand what might be going on in that persons head.  I also posted it for a debate, so all opinions and insight is whats needed here.  I want others to read what was stated and either disagree with a reason why, or agree and use an ex as an example to back up such behavior.

 

Cheers.  It's always interesting to get a fresh perspective on things.  I hope my post didn't discourage you from posting anything, that was not my intention at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

See I disagree with the indifference solely because, I personally think that when someone is blocked or cut off drastically its because we meant more to them than others, In my experience I felt that, she hated me for controlling her emotions, she hated the fact that I could make her cry over the most trivial things, she also pushed me away because she came to rely on me emotionally, physically and financially, she was losing the control she tried ever so hard to keep.  Where as, with other exes they would chase and be held at arms length, communication was acceptable but intimacy wasn't.  Personally when I unblock somebody its because I have become indifferent towards that person.  For example I blocked my ex before my current ex for 2 years, I added her back after I split up with my ex and shes like my best girl mate now, she has a long term BF and I would do literally anything for her as a friend.  Keeping someone blocked is a sign that it would take to much negative emotion to begin any kind of communication again, so I have to agree with what that woman said in relation to unblocking when feeling indifferent.

Remember all opinion is based on personal experience, so lets get a debate going :D      

I'll quote a line in particular that jumped out at me in her response to you.

I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

The bolded above is a complete contradiction.  How can someone move on but still be so very aware an unhealed wound?  That's not indifference, and that's most certainly not the talk of someone who has "genuinely moved on."  Or at least it's not to me.  Even her follow up sentence about her emotions having "toned down" doesn't make any sense given that just a few words before she expressed her fears of "feeling all of that pain again."  That's not the talk of someone that has moved on or someone that is indifferent to his or her ex.  That's the talk of someone who still fosters a strong attachment to a former partner.

As for the blocking aspect of things.  I'll preface it with saying that despite being in the generation that has grown up with social media, I'm not really all that into it.  It seems very impersonal to me but I get its value and I get that it plays a huge part in the lives of most of our ex's since they seem to really get hung up on alternative realities to those of their own.  

At first, I agree with you. Blocking is a way to create space, to heal, to adhere to NC, and to some degree, to hide.  I think it's often a necessary and very healthy tactic to use when trying to recover from a nasty break up, whether you are breaking up with a cluster B or a non.  But with that said, there comes a point that you think less and less about them.  I suppose this is what you are calling indifference?  When the pain of the break up has worn off and you can think about your ex without feeling all of those?  I guess my point is that if you are truly indifferent, you wouldn't get to the point of needing to unblock.  If you truly lack interest, why get curious about what an ex is doing?  Why unblock?  Why open that window?  I don't read that as indifference, though I understand what you are saying.  

But here's the mistake that I think you are making.  You are comparing your post breakup behavior to that of a pwBPD, as if nons and pwBPD rationalize and process relationships in the same way.  From everything I've read, this couldn't be more further from the truth.  I think the pwBPD's post above exemplifies this.  Whereas you have been able to foster a friendship with an ex of yours, the pwBPD can't even reach out to an ex for fear of ripping open an unhealed wound?  After saying multiple times that she's supposedly moved on?  Her response is what, 4-5 paragraphs?  She mentions "moving on" in some form or fashion at least 6 times.  Again, it's as if saying it makes it so.  And of course, I only have my experiences and my knowledge of PDs to go on here, but from where I sit, I don't see the pwBPD that you have been talking to as someone that has achieved indifference.  So where you or I might one day be able to achieve indifference with our ex's, I'm not so sure about our disordered counterparts.
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2015, 02:25:20 PM »

This is why I posted it, because this is a forum for NONs, so I was intending to either help others see things from a BPD perspective while at the same time hoping that If they could relate to these words or actions they would understand what might be going on in that persons head.  I also posted it for a debate, so all opinions and insight is whats needed here.  I want others to read what was stated and either disagree with a reason why, or agree and use an ex as an example to back up such behavior.

 

Cheers.  It's always interesting to get a fresh perspective on things.  I hope my post didn't discourage you from posting anything, that was not my intention at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

See I disagree with the indifference solely because, I personally think that when someone is blocked or cut off drastically its because we meant more to them than others, In my experience I felt that, she hated me for controlling her emotions, she hated the fact that I could make her cry over the most trivial things, she also pushed me away because she came to rely on me emotionally, physically and financially, she was losing the control she tried ever so hard to keep.  Where as, with other exes they would chase and be held at arms length, communication was acceptable but intimacy wasn't.  Personally when I unblock somebody its because I have become indifferent towards that person.  For example I blocked my ex before my current ex for 2 years, I added her back after I split up with my ex and shes like my best girl mate now, she has a long term BF and I would do literally anything for her as a friend.  Keeping someone blocked is a sign that it would take to much negative emotion to begin any kind of communication again, so I have to agree with what that woman said in relation to unblocking when feeling indifferent.

Remember all opinion is based on personal experience, so lets get a debate going :D      

I'll quote a line in particular that jumped out at me in her response to you.

I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

The bolded above is a complete contradiction.  How can someone move on but still be so very aware an unhealed wound?  That's not indifference, and that's most certainly not the talk of someone who has "genuinely moved on."  Or at least it's not to me.  Even her follow up sentence about her emotions having "toned down" doesn't make any sense given that just a few words before she expressed her fears of "feeling all of that pain again."  That's not the talk of someone that has moved on or someone that is indifferent to his or her ex.  That's the talk of someone who still fosters a strong attachment to a former partner.

As for the blocking aspect of things.  I'll preface it with saying that despite being in the generation that has grown up with social media, I'm not really all that into it.  It seems very impersonal to me but I get its value and I get that it plays a huge part in the lives of most of our ex's since they seem to really get hung up on alternative realities to those of their own.  

At first, I agree with you. Blocking is a way to create space, to heal, to adhere to NC, and to some degree, to hide.  I think it's often a necessary and very healthy tactic to use when trying to recover from a nasty break up, whether you are breaking up with a cluster B or a non.  But with that said, there comes a point that you think less and less about them.  I suppose this is what you are calling indifference?  When the pain of the break up has worn off and you can think about your ex without feeling all of those?  I guess my point is that if you are truly indifferent, you wouldn't get to the point of needing to unblock.  If you truly lack interest, why get curious about what an ex is doing?  Why unblock?  Why open that window?  I don't read that as indifference, though I understand what you are saying.  

But here's the mistake that I think you are making.  You are comparing your post breakup behavior to that of a pwBPD, as if nons and pwBPD rationalize and process relationships in the same way.  From everything I've read, this couldn't be more further from the truth.  I think the pwBPD's post above exemplifies this.  Whereas you have been able to foster a friendship with an ex of yours, the pwBPD can't even reach out to an ex for fear of ripping open an unhealed wound?  After saying multiple times that she's supposedly moved on?  Her response is what, 4-5 paragraphs?  She mentions "moving on" in some form or fashion at least 6 times.  Again, it's as if saying it makes it so.  And of course, I only have my experiences and my knowledge of PDs to go on here, but from where I sit, I don't see the pwBPD that you have been talking to as someone that has achieved indifference.  So where you or I might one day be able to achieve indifference with our ex's, I'm not so sure about our disordered counterparts.

I generalize what your saying here but, (just my opinion of observation) maybe, just maybe, she means it in the sense that because shes sees the break up of relationships as abandonment it triggers the very child hood that she has not and will never have forgotten but instead has learnt to cope with it.  For example, because BPD is an attachment disorder it could insight the fact that just like their childhood traumas they never forget but learn to deal with it.  We could look at it like an anxiety sufferer during the early stages of a triggered event the mind and body goes into overdrive mode, but over a certain period of time the anxiety sufferer learns to cope with this condition, so even though he still suffers it doesn't affect him as much as it used to.  So based on my personal understanding BPD sufferers never truly forget about exes, they may not love them on a level of intimacy but they will remember the self soothing we once gave them.  So maybe, this woman hasn't got over her ex because just like her past she cant forget she can only learn new coping techniques to fortify her mental defenses when faced with certain triggers, in the case of the BPD sufferer abandonment.          
Logged
Restored2
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 329



« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2015, 02:41:23 PM »

jammo1089: Your response is a great affirmation that it should be seen as a "blessing", despite it feeling like anything but.  I wasn't really seeing it from the point of view you presented, of me leaving such a positive impact on her so intense emotionally, that she coldly cut me off and blocked me out of her life completely.  I can admit, that I have not responded like an "educated individual" through all of this. 

That's quite the unfortunate chain of events that you experienced in the aftermath of your relationship.  You appear to be responding like an "educated individual" though.   
Logged
billypilgrim
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266


« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2015, 03:07:50 PM »

I generalize what your saying here but, (just my opinion of observation) maybe, just maybe, she means it in the sense that because shes sees the break up of relationships as abandonment it triggers the very child hood that she has not and will never have forgotten but instead has learnt to cope with it.  For example, because BPD is an attachment disorder it could insight the fact that just like their childhood traumas they never forget but learn to deal with it.  We could look at it like an anxiety sufferer during the early stages of a triggered event the mind and body goes into overdrive mode, but over a certain period of time the anxiety sufferer learns to cope with this condition, so even though he still suffers it doesn't affect him as much as it used to.  So based on my personal understanding BPD sufferers never truly forget about exes, they may not love them on a level of intimacy but they will remember the self soothing we once gave them.  So maybe, this woman hasn't got over her ex because just like her past she cant forget she can only learn new coping techniques to fortify her mental defenses when faced with certain triggers, in the case of the BPD sufferer abandonment.          

I agree with you here.  I think that break ups absolutely trigger their fears of abandonment.  And you said, they learn to cope, though I'm skeptical at how successful they are at this given her response and the actions of my ex.  They never fully deal with break ups because their disorder prevents them from doing so.  They either put up more walls or revert to old, maladapted coping mechanisms that distract or cover up the wounds.  This would explain her fear of reopening an old wound simply by reaching out to her ex.  That's not indifference though, which I think explains her very back and forth response to you.  I think her response is a great example of just how present the push/pull, black/white behaviors are in their mode of thinking.  She has can say one minute that she has "genuinely moved on" but yet in the very next sentence, she can say that she is afraid of talking to her ex for fear of "opening a wound."  It's a very interesting look into a very dichotomous world. 

 
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2015, 03:16:09 PM »

jammo1089: Your response is a great affirmation that it should be seen as a "blessing", despite it feeling like anything but.  I wasn't really seeing it from the point of view you presented, of me leaving such a positive impact on her so intense emotionally, that she coldly cut me off and blocked me out of her life completely.  I can admit, that I have not responded like an "educated individual" through all of this. 

That's quite the unfortunate chain of events that you experienced in the aftermath of your relationship.  You appear to be responding like an "educated individual" though.   

Knowledge is power my friend, Ive only been able to respond to this with an educated response because ive researched, spoke with Diagnosed Borderlines, analysed the relationship to the point it can be only described as unhealthy, but, the best way to uplift yourself out of the FOG isnt about looking at why we made the decisions or looking deep within ourselves (although this does help) BUT for me personally the way to clear the FOG is focusing on her, and NO i dont mean in a co dependent way absolutely not! What I mean by this is, simply combining the traits of BPD with her behavior.  For example:

Low self esteem- she always told me she didn't deserve me, and that she felt worthless when stood next to me (use your own examples)

Impulsive behavior- Would flirt with guys in front of me, drank a lot


As you can see by doing this you build a ladder for your story, when you finally read it all back, you will say to yourself WOW! She had it waaaaay to good with me, and she knows this that is exactly why she had to run away.  Yes they run through fear of being abandoned BUT when closely evaluating everything it would suggest that, the harder and more aggressively then push us away the more we meant to them.  For example I told my ex Id like to stay friends, but all she did was block me and get into a new relationship instantly.  Yet again we will use the 2 reactions one would face:

A non educated person

How could you do this to me? I loved you and you do this! She used me, I hate her!

An educated person (knows about BPD)

Wow! She needed to not only block me, but get a new BF as well, oh well hes just a convenience because without him she would have been severely depressed, it is also laughable because, this new guy and pregnancy in the real world is a huge commitment, but in the mind of the abused it is solely a distraction to stop them being triggered by us.  That is all this is about a distraction.  A Non may have a one night stand and feel even worse because they still think about the ex, A BPD has more extreme impulsive behavior rushed marriage, pregnancy, but what you need to understand here is this.  Your BPD relied on you so much to the point where she couldn't control her own emotions because you were controlling hers for her.  For example, you dont reply to a text all day because your working.  They cry thinking you dont want to be with them anymore.  See what im getting at here? So from an educated stand point you need to remember that, you are very much on her mind, she got the new guy not out of love, but to try and prove she has moved on in her life and that the new relationship label is merely a distraction.  If this wasn't the case, and what im telling you is a pack of rubbish, then why do you think they contact us even while dating the new partner? Like I stated before my ex unblocked my number and Face Timed me after 4 months NC I did not reply, I later called from a withheld number and my number had been blocked again.  We see this as mind games and in theory it is, but like that BPD woman stated she was testing to see if she was emotionally ready to contact again, and even while pregnant she had to block me again, probably out of fear of wanting me back again.  Funny enough on the 9th of January she posted a print screen saying MY BF never fails to send me texts as soon as he wakes up, with loads of   The on the 10th the day after she tries to FT me, It just goes to show that not only should we accept that they are mentally ill, but we must also address the fact if they had TRULY moved on calls would not be attempted by them especially if the end result is us being blocked again.          
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2015, 03:36:27 PM »

I generalize what your saying here but, (just my opinion of observation) maybe, just maybe, she means it in the sense that because shes sees the break up of relationships as abandonment it triggers the very child hood that she has not and will never have forgotten but instead has learnt to cope with it.  For example, because BPD is an attachment disorder it could insight the fact that just like their childhood traumas they never forget but learn to deal with it.  We could look at it like an anxiety sufferer during the early stages of a triggered event the mind and body goes into overdrive mode, but over a certain period of time the anxiety sufferer learns to cope with this condition, so even though he still suffers it doesn't affect him as much as it used to.  So based on my personal understanding BPD sufferers never truly forget about exes, they may not love them on a level of intimacy but they will remember the self soothing we once gave them.  So maybe, this woman hasn't got over her ex because just like her past she cant forget she can only learn new coping techniques to fortify her mental defenses when faced with certain triggers, in the case of the BPD sufferer abandonment.          

I agree with you here.  I think that break ups absolutely trigger their fears of abandonment.  And you said, they learn to cope, though I'm skeptical at how successful they are at this given her response and the actions of my ex.  They never fully deal with break ups because their disorder prevents them from doing so.  They either put up more walls or revert to old, maladapted coping mechanisms that distract or cover up the wounds.  This would explain her fear of reopening an old wound simply by reaching out to her ex.  That's not indifference though, which I think explains her very back and forth response to you.  I think her response is a great example of just how present the push/pull, black/white behaviors are in their mode of thinking.  She has can say one minute that she has "genuinely moved on" but yet in the very next sentence, she can say that she is afraid of talking to her ex for fear of "opening a wound."  It's a very interesting look into a very dichotomous world. 

 

This is my outlook on what you just described, emotionally mature adults go through a grieving process, and by taking the pain and heart ache we are eventually rewarded with a deeper understanding of ourselves, we learn who to trust, how to react in the same kinds of situations down the line, we almost reinvent ourselves from the bottom up.  We become emotionally stronger and by doing this allows us to evolve into the person we get to understand in later life, Ourselves.  The BPD overlaps relationships, this is a coping mechanism to help soothe the deep emptiness they feel when alone.  They were never taught by their parents how to respond in real life situations so by overlapping they are relying entirely on the new person to not only save them, but to show them that they do exist and they would do this through whats known as mirroring.  In return the BPD doesnt have a lot to offer so in my case sexual seduction of extreme and intense fantasy was used in my favor (fulfilling my sexual desires) this was not only used to control me, but it was also used to reinforce the fact that if the sex was that good I wouldnt ever dream of leaving her.  For example "Im the best youve ever had arent I James"?  By doing this she was getting me to reassure her that she was best in that department.  A BPDs defense mechanism to protect ones self is self taught and with this in mind it is important to also realize that, once all defense mechanisms have been used (all cards have been put on the table) instead of thinking " Ok hes not responding the way I need him to so I will have a talk with him" They instead play it like a game of Poker they go all in and we call their bluff she disappears from the game because she has no more chips to play with (defense mechanisms) So now you have a very confused little girl wondering why wont he understand me? but instead of opening up and talking about it then run.  So maybe you could visualize the fact that at some point they want to put the chips on the table again, but, this time they will only play their chips more sensibly (push/pull) when yet again once the chips on the table are gone again the game ends, and just like gambling this behavior can become extremely addictive for a NON.   
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2015, 03:53:24 PM »

This thread was very helpful for me... .
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2015, 03:59:22 PM »

This thread was very helpful for me... .

Glad I could help out mate
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2015, 04:07:12 PM »

This thread was very helpful for me... .

Glad I could help out mate

It sure answered a lot of questions that I have not seen discussed in other threads or articles and books. Their behavior on social media. Mine blocked me, unfreinded my friends and successfully compelled almost all of hers to do the same. I never really understood what would drive her to do this but now have a better idea. Once every couple/three weeks I check to see if my number was still blocked out of curiosity. At xmas, I saw that I wasn't and then texted her to say "I see that my number is no longer blocked'. She then blocked me again (I figured that she might had purchased a new phone or something like that). I then called her later from my hotel and she then called the police! I guess she was not yet ready! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I am still blocked on FB but was able to confirm through a ruse I put together that she is stalking me on FB (I had a public profile up until I had discovered this) which is something that I really don't understand. Why would she do this? btw , she broke up with me if it makes any difference in a disappearing act... .
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2015, 04:31:07 PM »

This thread was very helpful for me... .

Glad I could help out mate

It sure answered a lot of questions that I have not seen discussed in other threads or articles and books. Their behavior on social media. Mine blocked me, unfreinded my friends and successfully compelled almost all of hers to do the same. I never really understood what would drive her to do this but now have a better idea. Once every couple/three weeks I check to see if my number was still blocked out of curiosity. At xmas, I saw that I wasn't and then texted her to say "I see that my number is no longer blocked'. She then blocked me again (I figured that she might had purchased a new phone or something like that). I then called her later from my hotel and she then called the police! I guess she was not yet ready! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I am still blocked on FB but was able to confirm through a ruse I put together that she is stalking me on FB (I had a public profile up until I had discovered this) which is something that I really don't understand. Why would she do this? btw , she broke up with me if it makes any difference in a disappearing act... .

Bro, all your answers are in this thread, the BPD gave me closure thats for sure, I feel like a brand new person now, lets put these behaviors in as simple context as possible so its easy to read:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them. 

She blocks your number then unblocks it again What the heck?

BPD is based on unregulated emotions think Bi Polar but not as often, she may block you because she wants you to think shes moved on and doesn't need you anymore to rely on.  If this was the case why unblock you again?  Shes merely doing this due to unregulated emotion she may sense a moment of weakness and by doing so unblocks you, but when you try to communicate you jump the barrel because she is sensing a connection with you by knowing that she is not blocked and she can contact you when ready.  But what your doing is texting her which then triggers the pain you caused her during the initial stage of the break up.  Do what I did and back right off complete NC if she contacts you ignore ok?

Why is she stalking you?

Girls are girls and BPDs take on the more extremes.  For example, I dont want him BUT I dont want anyone else to have him, she is probably waiting to see if theres a new girl on the scene and if so she will chase because she feels as if your abandoning her all over again, she will stop at nothing just to make sure her emotions arent in a depressive state.

Why did she disappear? she dumped me

She dumped you because she could sense that you have been the one to end it, so she dumped you before you could dump her, and by doing so in her mind she abandoned you so in theory she wouldn't feel the same negative emotions in the case you dumped her first.  She was merely being selfish and making sure you were the one that gets hurt because if it were the other way round she would suffer intense pain and in some cases potential suicide.  You have to remember these people are victims of abuse and by that they feel intense guilt for something that isn't their fault.  For example extreme jealousy because I had a mother and father relationship (a family) where as she was a foster child.

I hope that answers some of your questions                 
Logged
BlackHoleSun
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 81


« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2015, 05:19:56 PM »

Its great that Jammo has spent time looking into this and posting his findings but, to be honest, i just don't buy what this woman is saying! Maybe i'm wrong but in my experience the reason they block you on social media, block your number, cut you out of their life etc is very simple -

They just don't NEED you anymore. Its ALL about their NEEDS.

As soon as they have a replacement that is 100% secured... .they're gone. They do still think about you from time to time though, as they consider you their possession - they own you, you belong to them and nobody else.

Its also like the saying - the grass is always greener on the other side. If you don't know how deep the wormhole runs, if you haven't truly seen behind the mask, if there's anyway back for them at all and things aren't working out too well with the replacement, they'll resume contact. If they wonder how you're doing, they'll resume contact. Its all about them and their NEEDS being met.

Also, they want you to want them. They want control over you. They'll contact you to see if they still have it. If you respond they know they've still got you, that you're still thinking about them, that you haven't abandoned them and so they can happily just go back to blocking you again knowing you're still available.

I really don't think it gets anymore complicated than that. Its harsh, its sad and its difficult to accept but, at the end of the day, in my opinion, its true.  
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #22 on: January 23, 2015, 05:22:08 PM »

This thread was very helpful for me... .

Glad I could help out mate

It sure answered a lot of questions that I have not seen discussed in other threads or articles and books. Their behavior on social media. Mine blocked me, unfreinded my friends and successfully compelled almost all of hers to do the same. I never really understood what would drive her to do this but now have a better idea. Once every couple/three weeks I check to see if my number was still blocked out of curiosity. At xmas, I saw that I wasn't and then texted her to say "I see that my number is no longer blocked'. She then blocked me again (I figured that she might had purchased a new phone or something like that). I then called her later from my hotel and she then called the police! I guess she was not yet ready! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I am still blocked on FB but was able to confirm through a ruse I put together that she is stalking me on FB (I had a public profile up until I had discovered this) which is something that I really don't understand. Why would she do this? btw , she broke up with me if it makes any difference in a disappearing act... .

Bro, all your answers are in this thread, the BPD gave me closure thats for sure, I feel like a brand new person now, lets put these behaviors in as simple context as possible so its easy to read:

it did and didn't... .I am a bit confused... .see below:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them.  [/quote]
I can see this: it makes perfect sense. This are reminders of me just like a photo, a favorite place, a song, etc.or anything else that triggers memories of me. But why would she demand that her family and friends do the same? She would never see me in her feed? [/quote]
She blocks your number then unblocks it again What the heck?

BPD is based on unregulated emotions think Bi Polar but not as often, she may block you because she wants you to think shes moved on and doesn't need you anymore to rely on.  If this was the case why unblock you again?  Shes merely doing this due to unregulated emotion she may sense a moment of weakness and by doing so unblocks you, but when you try to communicate you jump the barrel because she is sensing a connection with you by knowing that she is not blocked and she can contact you when ready.  But what your doing is texting her which then triggers the pain you caused her during the initial stage of the break up.  :)o what I did and back right off complete NC if she contacts you ignore ok?[/quote]
This was answered in the thread. As I understand things, she is testing her own emotions to see if she can even handle having a conversation or communicate. in past recycles, she chose email as the 'feeler' method. Then a phone call (usually angry, attempting to draw me into the anger vortex, but I never allowed that to happen), then a face to face in which she would always report that the episode ended there and then upon mere sight of me. I though that her desperate aversion was to avoid this eventuality. That part of her is fighting this. I have not read any such thing here so I am only guessing. As to NC, see below... .

Why is she stalking you?

Girls are girls and BPDs take on the more extremes.  For example, I dont want him BUT I dont want anyone else to have him, she is probably waiting to see if theres a new girl on the scene and if so she will chase because she feels as if your abandoning her all over again, she will stop at nothing just to make sure her emotions arent in a depressive state.[/quote]
I can see that. I am indifferent ot old GF's but it IS interesting to see them after the fact... .even chat. I don't think that this is a manifestation of a PD but obsessing about I would think would be... .especially if you broke up with them!

Why did she disappear? she dumped me

She dumped you because she could sense that you have been the one to end it, so she dumped you before you could dump her, and by doing so in her mind she abandoned you so in theory she wouldn't feel the same negative emotions in the case you dumped her first.  She was merely being selfish and making sure you were the one that gets hurt because if it were the other way round she would suffer intense pain and in some cases potential suicide.  You have to remember these people are victims of abuse and by that they feel intense guilt for something that isn't their fault.  For example extreme jealousy because I had a mother and father relationship (a family) where as she was a foster child.[/quote]
This is where it is just not the case. She had only moved into my home 3 weeks prior. We have completed some summer long projects (her sons graduation party, it was an enormous undertaking... .we worked for weeks to prepared for it... .as well as some other stuff)... .we began to focus on our wedding and met with a jeweler and began to discuss venues... .we were just about to merge finance right before she disappeared... .all indications to her were that we were moving CLOSER not that I gave any feelers that I was going to dump her. It was through this and a couple of triggers (moving into my house, loss of full control =trigger; here 18 year old son moving out, =abandonment trigger; I went on a business trip= abandonment trigger) that I figured facilitated her flight. (and God knows what else).

I hope that answers some of your questions                 [/quote]
She and I had an otherwise great relationship. It was not at all defined like many of the stormy relationships that I have been reading about here. They almost all seem to be characterized by angers, lies, infidelity and general chaos. She and I never argued or disagreed... .we had similar interests, goals in life, and just lined up in general. That is what makes mine the more confusing and painful. Her family, friends and co-workers thought the world of me and showered me with compliments and were very glad that 'she finally found a great man'. So when you and others suggest NC, I am not expecting the insanity that others seem to get bombarded with on a recycle attempt... .I am not certain that I can ever BE with her again (I have to admit, it IS very tempting), but talking to her is something that ,I can definitely handle and would probably welcome. Does this make sense? Have you seen this before? Its confusing to me since part of her are SO BPD while others are not.  
Logged
lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2015, 05:25:02 PM »

Jammo,

Thank you for this post. It's interesting.

Perhaps it's part of the reason why my ex blocked me on Facebook a year ago. He waited for over a year to reach out after No Contact. Tried to "Friend" me on FB. I didn't accept (was waiting on some type of communication). He blocked me. I've been blocked ever since. However, he continues to check up on me via an alternate account that he activates whenever he wants to spy on my FB page. Then he deactivates the account again.

I care less and less as more time goes by... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #24 on: January 23, 2015, 05:30:40 PM »

One last thing:

I have seen here in the frequency that it is almost a universal truth that BPD's either have a replacement already in motion or they quickly find one, ANY one. OR they go back to an ex. However, historically, mine took time off... .often a very long time. During those times she occupied herself with her son who, to her admission, acted somewhat like a husband surrogate (interestingly, she DID rage at him like a typical BPD... .but never me).

In the way of her exes, all three of them (yes, only three men in her life at age 44), one is no where to be found, the other is married and the third is 1000 miles away.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2015, 05:31:26 PM »

Jammo,

Thank you for this post. It's interesting.

Perhaps it's part of the reason why my ex blocked me on Facebook a year ago. He waited for over a year to reach out after No Contact. Tried to "Friend" me on FB. I didn't accept (was waiting on some type of communication). He blocked me. I've been blocked ever since. However, he continues to check up on me via an alternate account that he activates whenever he wants to spy on my FB page. Then he deactivates the account again.

I care less and less as more time goes by... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

How did you discover the account lipstick?
Logged
BlackHoleSun
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 81


« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2015, 05:54:17 PM »

it did and didn't... .I am a bit confused... .see below:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them.  [/quote]
I can see this: it makes perfect sense. This are reminders of me just like a photo, a favorite place, a song, etc.or anything else that triggers memories of me. But why would she demand that her family and friends do the same? She would never see me in her feed? [/quote]
This is where it is just not the case. She had only moved into my home 3 weeks prior. We have completed some summer long projects (her sons graduation party, it was an enormous undertaking... .we worked for weeks to prepared for it... .as well as some other stuff)... .we began to focus on our wedding and met with a jeweler and began to discuss venues... .we were just about to merge finance right before she disappeared... .all indications to her were that we were moving CLOSER not that I gave any feelers that I was going to dump her. It was through this and a couple of triggers (moving into my house, loss of full control =trigger; here 18 year old son moving out, =abandonment trigger; I went on a business trip= abandonment trigger) that I figured facilitated her flight. (and God

She and I had an otherwise great relationship. It was not at all defined like many of the stormy relationships that I have been reading about here. They almost all seem to be characterized by angers, lies, infidelity and general chaos. She and I never argued or disagreed... .we had similar interests, goals in life, and just lined up in general. That is what makes mine the more confusing and painful. Her family, friends and co-workers thought the world of me and showered me with compliments and were very glad that 'she finally found a great man'. So when you and others suggest NC, I am not expecting the insanity that others seem to get bombarded with on a recycle attempt... .I am not certain that I can ever BE with her again (I have to admit, it IS very tempting), but talking to her is something that ,I can definitely handle and would probably welcome. Does this make sense? Have you seen this before? Its confusing to me since part of her are SO BPD while others are not.  [/quote]
Ok, i'll have a go at answering these questions.

1. Why get her friends to delete/block you.

Answer - 2 words - smear campaign! In general Cluster B's cannot accept responsibility for their own actions. They usually project their flaws and weaknesses onto you. They're always the victim. Their black and white thinking means you're either all bad or all good. Usually when they split with you they'll paint you as the bad guy to their friends and family. These people will hear how bad you are, usually incorporating all of the Cluster B's own weaknesses. For example - he was controlling, manipulative, possessive, jealous etc. If people don't know any better then, they'll believe what they're being told and will delete/block you and back up the person with the PD. 

2. Maybe your GF wasn't BPD? Maybe she just had some BPD traits?

I don't know your story but what i do know is that on my first break up with my exGF she became scared and ran. It was like she realised that i loved her and couldn't deal with it. She became engulfed. She still NEEDED me (that doesn't mean that she WANTED me) but she was freaking out. On the one hand she wanted to be free, on the other she needed the attachment. She never stopped contacting me though, she just became seriously dysregulated.
Logged
BlackHoleSun
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 81


« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2015, 06:07:39 PM »

One last thing:

I have seen here in the frequency that it is almost a universal truth that BPD's either have a replacement already in motion or they quickly find one, ANY one. OR they go back to an ex. However, historically, mine took time off... .often a very long time. During those times she occupied herself with her son who, to her admission, acted somewhat like a husband surrogate (interestingly, she DID rage at him like a typical BPD... .but never me).

In the way of her exes, all three of them (yes, only three men in her life at age 44), one is no where to be found, the other is married and the third is 1000 miles away.

Sorry, i have to ask... .how do you know this is true? My ex told me she'd only had 2 relationships before me. She also told me she'd only slept with a handful of people. As time passed by and with each recycle, more and more of the reality was unveiled. By the end, the person i was with wasn't even recognisable as the person i'd fallen in love with. Turned out most of what she'd told me was false, she'd actually had numerous relationships, slept with a crazy amount of men and pretty much lived a double life.
Logged
HappyNihilist
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1012



WWW
« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2015, 07:05:54 PM »

the best way to uplift yourself out of the FOG isnt about looking at why we made the decisions or looking deep within ourselves (although this does help) BUT for me personally the way to clear the FOG is focusing on her, and NO i dont mean in a co dependent way absolutely not! What I mean by this is, simply combining the traits of BPD with her behavior. 

I'm glad that learning so much about BPD has helped lift you out of the FOG. I wouldn't necessarily say it's the best focus for everyone. We're all different.  Smiling (click to insert in post) But I definitely agree that it's important for healing. You're doing good work.

Learning about BPD and looking at our relationships through educated lenses helps us make sense of things, find closure, and detach with empathy. And with this knowledge, we can come to a better understanding of the role we played, what needs this person/relationship fulfilled for us. There is so much that these relationships are trying to teach us about ourselves. Understanding BPD relationships helps us get there.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Now that you're out of the FOG and have a better understanding of BPD, do you want to use this knowledge to help you in looking deep within yourself and asking questions like why you made the decisions you did?
Logged
Restored2
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 329



« Reply #29 on: January 23, 2015, 07:53:06 PM »

jammo1989:  Thank you for your detailed response with sharing and encouragement.  Much appreciated.

I agree, knowledge is power.  I am curious, how do you manage to connect and speak with diagnosed Borderlines to educate yourself?

Here's a bit of the ladder for my story:

- When I told mine that I love her unconditionally, she responded by saying that she didn't know what unconditional love is.  She also said that she did not see her own value/self worth.  As a result, it is my opinion that she did not see either my value/worth and the value/worth of our relationship.  Which made it so much easier for her to run away from.

- She initiated conversation of getting married within about the first 2 of months dating.  Then brought her 5 children into the loop on us looking at getting married.

I think the other reason they run away and block us is for fear of engulfment with losing themselves in the relationship.

Your quote:

"Your BPD relied on you so much to the point where she couldn't control her own emotions because you were controlling hers for her.  For example, you dont reply to a text all day because your working.  They cry thinking you dont want to be with them anymore." 

Interestingly, she claimed that I was controlling her and the relationship, saying that she would not tolerate it any further.  This was the very first time that I recall her ever accusing me of this.  Then she abruptly broke up with me via an email and a voice mail message, she ran away, and coldly cut me off with blocking me out of communications.

Your quote:

"So from an educated stand point you need to remember that, you are very much on her mind... ." 

I truly believe that mine does not have a replacement boyfriend for me and she also has not made any attempts to contact me since she broke up with me.  Do you really think that I would be "very much on her mind" 5 months after she abruptly broke up with me and ran away?

Your quote:

"Like I stated before my ex unblocked my number and Face Timed me after 4 months NC I did not reply, I later called from a withheld number and my number had been blocked again." 

I understood this to be not detectable when sending messages.  How do you know that your number is blocked and unblocked by her? 

   
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!