I need help

[Parents! Get help here!]

Dear forum readers,

this letter is my first step in dealing with the issues in my life. Apart from my husband and a good friend, I have not talked to anyone about this.

I suspect my now 18 year old daughter has BPD traits. She became difficult at 12, but now, at 18, things are only getting worse.

But this post is not about her. It is about me. I need help. I don't know what to do, see my daughter slipping away from me. Worse of it is, there are days that I am grateful for that, as I can't handle the pain, abuse and disappointment anymore.

I am a teacher and a counsellor myself. It breaks my heart to have her friends poor out their hearts with me about their lives. Apparently I am not that impossible to talk to! But my own daughter thinks I am worthless and "she knows for a fact I don't love her".

I am very good at hiding this, living a happy and successful life. I don't want to jeopardize the relationships she has by discussing my fears with people she knows too. Over time, I have learned to shut out this part of me. My friend has urged me to seek other people to talk to. I hope this forum can be that place for just myself. As I am writing this, the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I guess I do need help.

[easternmom]

Dear forum readers,

this letter is my first step in dealing with the issues in my life. Apart from my husband and a good friend, I have not talked to anyone about this.

I suspect my now 18 year old daughter has BPD traits. She became difficult at 12, but now, at 18, things are only getting worse.

But this post is not about her. It is about me. I need help. I don't know what to do, see my daughter slipping away from me. Worse of it is, there are days that I am grateful for that, as I can't handle the pain, abuse and disappointment anymore.

I am a teacher and a counsellor myself. It breaks my heart to have her friends poor out their hearts with me about their lives. Apparently I am not that impossible to talk to! But my own daughter thinks I am worthless and "she knows for a fact I don't love her".

I am very good at hiding this, living a happy and successful life. I don't want to jeopardize the relationships she has by discussing my fears with people she knows too. Over time, I have learned to shut out this part of me. My friend has urged me to seek other people to talk to. I hope this forum can be that place for just myself. As I am writing this, the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I guess I do need help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Easternmom,

I'm so glad you've found us. I'm sorry to hear your relationship with your daughter is so tough and painful.

I come at BPD from another angle my SO (significant other) has and uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife)  Even though I haven't had the experience of a BPD child I... .we... .everyone here understands how difficult it is to have someone the BPD in our lives. You have found a great place to voice your concerns, ask questions, learn more about BPD and learn some skills that can help with better communication with your daughter.  There are many parents here with BPD children that I'm sure you will find you have much in common and who will be able to share their experiences and empathize with you and your situation.

I suggest that you check out the links in the right hand margin as a place to start.  I also encourage you to keep posting and read the threads others have started... .basically jump in and join us.

Again welcome 

[peace in steel town]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you are having trouble with your daughter. This forum is really about you, as you can't make your daughter do anything. You have to come to terms with how she has decided to live, and take care of yourself.

[MammaMia]

easternmom

Welcome.  Each of us on the Parenting Board knows exactly how you feel.  Bpd is a disorder that hurts everyone around the person afflicted with it.  It is so difficult to try to comprehend why our children act as they do, and the best defense is to learn everything you possibly can about this very complex form of mental illness.

As you read the materials on this disorder, you will see that the symptoms of people with BPD are pretty much identical, regardless of upbringing, age, differences in culture, or country of origin. There are techniques here that will help you learn how to better communicate with your dd, and boundaries are a very important tool for protecting yourself.  It is important to note that only a physician trained in BPD can diagnose this illness with certainty.

Do you have other family members with similar behavioral issues?  Bpd can have both hereditary and environmental factors associated with it.  :)o not assume you have caused your dd's illness.  Even children with "perfect" childhoods and "perfect" parents fall victim. Unless there has been devastating physical and/or mental abuse in the past, BPD can also develop from a warped perception created by by dysfunction

within the brain.  An incident that causes no harm to a normal child may leave life-long emotional scars on someone with BPD due to the intensity of their emotions. They are unable to control their emotional responses or self-soothe.  Is more accurately called emotional dysregulation.

Living with a person wBPD is very difficult.  We all come here to share experiences and seek advice from others in the same situation.  There is a huge amount of comfort in that, because BPD isolates us from friends and family who do not understand what we are dealing with.  

We are so glad you have joined us.  Please keep posting.  We really want to help.

[socialworkermom]

WOW, been there done that. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD at 18. I've been yelled at, called everything in the book, spit on, hit, and shoved, I didnt know if it would ever be better, but my daughter found a really good therapist. He only dealt with BPD, and it it made all the difference in the world. We still hit a rough patch with the depression. but we do so much better. and she doesnt always see me as the enemy. Some of what you are facing comes from the BPD being a teenager they do grow out of some of that with the right help. it takes support and always hanging in there. My heart goes out to you and i want you to know there is help for her and support for you. it takes time and a lot of effort to find it but once you find it and stick with it the changes are so worth it.

[Skip]

How is she slipping away?

[easternmom]

Dear all,

I am very happy to have stumbled across this forum in my search for support and maybe some answers. My 18 year old daughter has been a challenging girl since she was 12 years old. And what first seemed like simple puberty that we could deal with using a lot of humor, has turned into more and more extreme behaviour. Yelling at us, not being able to stop to the point that we had to physically lock her outside of the house so she could calm down by herself, sitting in the garden. Making endless contracts, to have them broken again. The binge eating, binge sporting. And then her telling me that she knows for a fact that I don't love her. Endless apologies, sweet little notes, promises and then nothing. Her IQ is 140 and yet I do not know whether she will make it in the world. This year, her being 18, it all of a sudden hit me that something is wrong, that I have seen this before in my clients (I work as a counsellor with teenagers and young adults). I do not know whether she has BPD, but she certainly displays BPD type behaviour.  I am surprised that it took me this long to acknowledge that she is a bit more than simply difficult.

I know she will not look for any assistance soon. Most of the time she does not acknowledge that there is anything wrong with her. Counselling in the past years has been started and stopped prematurely.

But I am here primarily for myself. I have only confided in two people: my husband and my best friend. After years, my coping mechanism consists of ignoring the problem. My best friend urged me to open up, look for help. Because I don't think I can handle this anymore on my own. My daughter is leaving the house next year, and I am terrified as to how things are going to work out for her, what she will confront. At the same time I realise the confrontation with her reality might be the only way for her to find out if she can handle it. I am afraid of loosing her.

Whether it is BPD or not, is not the most important thing: I need to figure out how I can handle her behaviour to the best for her and me. I hope I'll be able to find some answers here.

Thank you for reading.

[easternmom]

Dear all,

thank you for your support, your kind words and your direct approach. My apologies for my late answer. I live in a part of the world where continuous internet or power is not a given. On top of that, I live in a community where I need to be able to find the space and quiet so I read and cry in solitude. Peace in steel town, I agree with you, as a counsellor. But having to accept as a mother that my daughter hates me at times is so hard.

Reading through the many pieces of information here, needs to be done in small doses, so I can handle it. The recognition is overwhelming.

I have so many doubts.

What if I am right?

How do I support somebody that doesn't recognise she has a problem, whether it is BPD or not?

What if I am wrong?

Will she let us know if she is trouble after she moves out, which is in 7 months?

Why did I, BEING A PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELLOR not see earlier that something is wrong? What if we would have intervened when she was 13 and sobbed and told us she didn't want to live anymore? She got over that in half an hour, never mentioned it since, but... .what if? We have been trying to get her to counselling since she was 15, but she always backed out (wrong counsellor, wrong method), or assured us she was fine.

I am the one confronting her, trying to mirror her behaviour. When I asked my husband why he doesn't always support me he burst out crying saying that he was too terrified he would loose her forever. We have been together for 28 years and have a very strong relationship. This is the first time that we experience something that we approach from such a different angle. He is the one that can talk to her once she has calmed down and I acknowledge that this is what we do need as well.

Skip, you asked me how she is slipping away. I think it is just this. She doesn't connect with me, her dad or her sister, doesn't tell me what is happening in her life, doesn't show much care for us. She forgets birthdays. The other day, she walked in the door, dropped on a chair looking miserably and when I went over to ask her what is wrong, hoping to have a rare chance to give her a hug (walking on eggshells!), she got angry with me, because why would I do this as I don't really care about her. When I confront her with the incorrectness of her claim, she gets angry and walks out. I am left in tears, feeling frustrated for not having been able to let it slide. She follows up within an hour by telling me how much she cares about me (endless love notes) and how she really wants to sit down and have tea... .but she never does. It is an ongoing cycle that is wearing me out.

I have asked her directly whether I should be worried that she will kill herself and she has assured me she won't. I believe her.

Thank you all for your comments and notes.

E

[Skip]

Why did I, BEING A PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELOR not see earlier that something is wrong?

The first step is to let this go.  You were not her counselor. This is mom and daughter and family and everyone is reacting to each other. No one sees you as the resident therapist.

What if we would have intervened when she was 13 and sobbed and told us she didn't want to live anymore? She got over that in half an hour, never mentioned it since, but... .

The second step is to let blaming go. All the way around.

The real question, the important question is "understanding what lies before you" and learning what an be done differently going forward.

We're here to help with that.

It will take time.  

[MammaMia]

PwBPD demean others for several reasons:  because they can, and because it makes them feel better about themselves. The "I hate you" statement is very effective. They are projecting the negative feelings they have for themselves on to us.

When they verbally abuse us, they feel good. We feel bad.  It is all about shifting blame, creating doubt, and power.  With their lives spinning out of control, anything they can do to gain control over someone else is a positive to them.

It is important not to take these insults and accusations personally. It is a manifestation of this disorder.

Consider responding by saying "I am sorry you feel that way"... .and then letting it go.  The more you work to get answers, the less information dd will share, and the more opportunity there is for her to verbally assault you.  

Believe in yourself and do not let your dd convince you otherwise. You should not try to treat your daughter.  She needs a therapist who is completely detached from the situation, and, hopefully, one who specializes in BPD.  

Have you been reading up on validation and communication skills here?  I know you will find them helpful. Hang in there.  Better days ahead.

[Skip]

Well said.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[easternmom]

The "I hate you" statement is very effective. They are projecting the negative feelings they have for themselves on to us.

MammaMia: that is so recognisable! She also goes through emotional episodes where she states that she hates herself and cannot believe somebody cares for her, or that we can even love her!

It is important not to take these insults and accusations personally.

I think I made a first small step of progress today. She told me she was having a very bad day (positive: she is sharing something) and whether she could talk to me for five minutes. She started to cry, told me her life was a mess, but could not tell me what was wrong. She had not been able to work on some pretty big assignments that are due in two days, but when I started to suggest some possible solutions she got angry. I then managed to stay calm and upbeat and told her I will have to leave the house if she chooses to react this way. She begged me to stay, but immediately got angry again and said that she hates when I go into the victim mode. My answer was that I cannot stay for this this, that she may leave or stay in my house, but I would step outside now. She left. I followed up with an email in which I explained that she may always come to me for help, but I will as of now step out of the conversation if she gets angry or abusive. There is room for improvement, but it worked! She left sad, but knows she can return. She didn't explode, which normally happens. And I feel much better as the conversation stopped before she became very abusive.

I am open for other suggestions or comments.

E[/quote]

[jellibeans]

eastermom

I just wanted to chime in and welcome you here. You are a lot like all of us when we first found this site. I want to remind you not to be so hard on yourself. It is not your job to make everything better for your child and although it is hard to watch your dd will struggle. Sometime that is what is needed for them to grow and learn. It is easier said than done but try to back away from rescuing and solving her problems. I think it is great how you are trying to support her through this tough time. I think it is important to have that boundary in place so that you are not in the victim role. It is also important not to show anger when she is dysregulated. You say you were offereing solutions but instead I suggest you ask her how she plans to go forward and what she thinks would be a good plan of action. She is 18 and I think it is very important that you show her that you have confidence in her to solve her own problems. Hang in there... .it does take time.

[easternmom]

Thank you, Jellybeans, I will try that.

I think that for the longest time I wanted to confront her, so she would see that something is wrong and search for help. I realise now I have to stop doing that. If confrontations will happen somewhere else in her life, it might not be in a safe environment with a safety net in place, but I hope I'll be able to restore the relationship sufficiently that she will come to me or her dad for help.

It is scary, it feels like I am letting go of her, but what I have been doing is certainly not working well.

[Eggdad]

easternmom,

MammaMia suggested you read up on validation, I feel that my learning and applying validation skills is the single most important thing that I did to help my dd.

When dd tells you about the big assignments due in two days, validation is telling her "I know you have really been trying to get these assignments started and it's been eating at you. It must be really scary to see the deadline coming up and not being able to start." At this point do not offer solutions, just be ready to accept that whatever happens is your dd doing the best that she can at this moment, using her current skills. By validating her emotions (acknowledging them as valid), you will help her tone down the emotional turmoil and give her rational mind some space to figure out a course of action. The result in this case may be dd asking for a delay, or deciding to not do the assignment at all and taking the penalty, or even flunking or dropping the course. I've seen my dd do all of these, but in the long term her making her own decisions and dealing with the consequences has helped her get better at making effective decisions. Dd took three years to finish her last year of college through these trials and errors, but she is very much on the way to recovering from BPD.

So the two keys for me as a parent:

- validation

- radical acceptance