Can a child act a substitute to satisfy the emotional needs of a pwBPD?

[JRT]

Can a child act a substitute to satisfy the emotional needs of a pwBPD? Mine xeBPDfiance was a single parent until only recently when her son moved out of the house. After b/u's in other relationships, she never replaced the relationship until months or even years later and remained single not even dating. This, of course, is contrasted against what I have been reading here over and over again with replacements secured sometimes even before the r/s even being officially ended.

Interestingly, my ex did not have a stormy relationships with me, it was very placid and had little argument or controversy. However, the relationship with him was very acrimonious to the extent that I had to call her out on what seemed to be outright hatred/hostility that she demonstrated towards him on a regular basis. In hindsight, the relationship with him very much appeared to resemble the type of relationship between pwBPD and their SO's. 

It makes me wonder if rather than me being the object of BPD rage, she chose him for some reason. Or maybe it was something more Freudian... .?

[Ripped Heart]

Short answer to this - Yes, I believe so

My exN/BPDw was very similar in the sense that she had what appeared a very unhealthy obsession with her own daughter. I could go into a lot of detail about that because there were some major concerns but I won't. What I will say is that her d6 instead of spending time with friends, would spend 3-4 days a week sat in hospitals waiting to see specialists when there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. There was a serious case of Munchhausen's by proxy going on and exN/BPDw would rage at specialists who said there was nothing wrong with her d6 often telling them they knew nothing and she knew more than they did. When she finally found one who said it might be "possible" it was like she struck gold and they became favourite of the month.

Her d6 was treated like the adult of the house. Whatever she wanted she got no matter how insane it was. I know her d6 is going to develop NPD because it's almost there already. Someone upset her at school and exN/BPDw + family would storm in there and create a major scene, parents and teachers weren't safe and all hell to pay for the poor child who did or said the wrong thing. 9 times out of 10, it was usually her d6 that caused the problem in the first place.

The most disturbing though was when she was unhappy with me for something as simple as breathing. She would tell her d6 to sleep in bed with her because she couldn't sleep alone. I had a big problem around that because her d6 would sometimes get into bed when I was there and I would go sleep on the sofa because it didn't feel right. So there was a lot of triangulation with her child and she used her in ways I didn't find healthy and very overwhelming for a child. 

[JRT]

Interesting... .this really sheds some light on my own situation... .it really hit home when you mentioned triangulation with the child... .

I have been reading various accounts of BPD's relationships and their failures. They all seem to share similarities with one another and in this respect, a replacement. Mine however, never went for a replacement and it was causing me to question whiter or not she was really a pwBPD or not.

She raged against him more than anything else and was fixated upon him to the extent that he, and his associated problems, we the topic of at least 80% of our conversations. He was a real mess to the extent that he just barely finished high school (and that was a stripped down 'at risk' flavor), had no real friends, was unable to hold down menial jobs for more than a couple of weeks before he was fired and had an addiction to video games. It gives me pause to think that she may have unconsciously encouraged his dysfunction by rewarding him with attention only when he was messing something up (which was literally constant). She was ALWAYS in crisis mode with him. He is extremely bright but dysfunctional to the extent that I am certain that there is little hope that he will achieve an independent life ever - I just cannot see him living on his own or even with a room mate. Maybe in Mom's basement or a group home of some kind.

He moved out to live with his step father but I suspect that he might have bounced back to her. I wonder if that had acted as a trigger for our b/u or if his 3 week failure with independent life prompted her to realize that there was no hope for him other than to live with her, concluded that I would never allow that and triggered her flight.