She handed me a gift today---

[jedimaster]

I'll try to be as concise as possible as the background to this story is spread across several other posts.  My uBPDw has a behavior pattern of starting projects which involve both of us either from the beginning or at some point, and then finding an excuse to bail on them, leaving them to me.  These have included training for a half-marathon, starting/running a mini-farm, and adding on to our house.  The results of these have been emotionally, financially, and/or physically draining on me.

The latest one, fortunately, is not nearly so bad, and looks like will have a silver lining, unbeknownst to her.  About a year ago we started a running/exercise class for adults with special needs.  It started as a way to train them to participate in the Special Olympics Torch Run with the local police, and morphed into a weekly exercise/nutrition lesson.  My w has shared the responsibility with me except for the two times she has had foot surgery this year.  She recently started back after her last surgery.  The class consists of a 2 mile powerwalk, and recently we added beginning tai chi.  Afterwards the recreation program takes them out to eat.

Tonight the recreation director asked me if I was planning to do the Torch Run training this year.  I said I guessed so that I hadn't thought much about it yet.  Immediately my wife chimes in and keeps saying, "Hey, I did that last year!  That was MY idea!"  She said this several times, although she appeared to be joking around and not upset.

I usually don't go to eat with the group and instead stay behind and get a little more workout done in the weight room.  So when we get home tonight I can tell she's a little out of sorts.  When we get in private she tells me she thinks I should just handle all the class and taking our son out to eat, and she can go do something else on Tuesday nights.  It was obvious that she was abandoning yet another joint project and leaving me to handle it, and I started to try to establish a boundary and try not to let her do it.  Best I can tell, she felt slighted by not getting all the credit for doing the training, so now she's decided she's not needed any more.    But I realized I would only need to make a minor adjustment in my schedule to accommodate, so I decided to choose another battle on another day.

It wasn't until later I realized I was soo glad I went along with it!  For some time she's been claiming that she's telling all our friends "all about me and what I'm really like."  Most of this has turned out to be imaginary, but I'm never certain what she's said to whom.  But what dawned on me was that with this new "arrangement," she is giving me an hour of unsupervised time with her main circle of friends, every week!  All the parents, assistants, recreation workers, etc, that she has been spending time with and claiming to "tell all about me."

I think we shall shortly see what is being said if anything, and if they have any doubts about me they can make up their own minds rather than having the benefit of her black paintbrush.   

[eyvindr]

Keep us posted, jedi. This could potentially be one of those all-too-rare instances when someone with a PD unknowingly gets ambushed by their own grandiose thinking and, in the words of my ex during one of her most dramatic periods of dysregulation "___cans the whole operation." Good luck.

[jedimaster]

Contrary to many of the posts I see on here where the pwBPD goes around painting their SO black to anyone who will listen, mine seems to be only doing so in her own mind.  I've followed up on a few of these comments, and what I find is that she may (or may not) have made a couple of slightly negative comments to people we both know, and then tries to lead me to believe she's been baring her soul to them, all about how bad I really am.  I can't tell if she's just trying to bluff me, or it's a case of her BPD altering reality to suit her emotions.  

So much of it has turned out to be not real that I've long since stopped worrying much about it, but I'm glad to have the chance to spend some time with some of our mutual acquaintances and just see if there's anything to any of it.  And just in case, for them to see I'm a real person and I don't bite the heads off baby birds or drown kittens in the toilet, etc.  

[eyvindr]

jedi --

Your situation is very similar to my own.

Contrary to many of the posts I see on here where the pwBPD goes around painting their SO black to anyone who will listen, mine seems to be only doing so in her own mind.  I've followed up on a few of these comments, and what I find is that she may (or may not) have made a couple of slightly negative comments to people we both know, and then tries to lead me to believe she's been baring her soul to them, all about how bad I really am.  I can't tell if she's just trying to bluff me, or it's a case of her BPD altering reality to suit her emotions.  

So much of it has turned out to be not real that I've long since stopped worrying much about it, but I'm glad to have the chance to spend some time with some of our mutual acquaintances and just see if there's anything to any of it.  And just in case, for them to see I'm a real person and I don't bite the heads off baby birds or drown kittens in the toilet, etc.  

I've learned that, while we were still together, the only people she bad-mouthed me to were distant acquaintances, or random potential suitor orbiters who she touched base with every now and then when I'd go NC after her behavior became intolerable, and she needed a backup supply of steady reassurances of what a terrific catch she was (funny how easy that is to get from lonely people who don't really know you, huh?). Only after I'd made it clear to her that I was done with the r-ship did she opt to "go public" with her ranting. Hang in there.

[jedimaster]

I'll try to be as concise as possible as the background to this story is spread across several other posts.  My uBPDw has a behavior pattern of starting projects which involve both of us either from the beginning or at some point, and then finding an excuse to bail on them, leaving them to me.  These have included training for a half-marathon, starting/running a mini-farm, and adding on to our house.  The results of these have been emotionally, financially, and/or physically draining on me.

The latest one, fortunately, is not nearly so bad, and looks like will have a silver lining, unbeknownst to her.  About a year ago we started a running/exercise class for adults with special needs.  It started as a way to train them to participate in the Special Olympics Torch Run with the local police, and morphed into a weekly exercise/nutrition lesson.  My w has shared the responsibility with me except for the two times she has had foot surgery this year.  She recently started back after her last surgery.  The class consists of a 2 mile powerwalk, and recently we added beginning tai chi.  Afterwards the recreation program takes them out to eat.

Tonight the recreation director asked me if I was planning to do the Torch Run training this year.  I said I guessed so that I hadn't thought much about it yet.  Immediately my wife chimes in and keeps saying, "Hey, I did that last year!  That was MY idea!"  She said this several times, although she appeared to be joking around and not upset.

I usually don't go to eat with the group and instead stay behind and get a little more workout done in the weight room.  So when we get home tonight I can tell she's a little out of sorts.  When we get in private she tells me she thinks I should just handle all the class and taking our son out to eat, and she can go do something else on Tuesday nights.  It was obvious that she was abandoning yet another joint project and leaving me to handle it, and I started to try to establish a boundary and try not to let her do it.  Best I can tell, she felt slighted by not getting all the credit for doing the training, so now she's decided she's not needed any more.    But I realized I would only need to make a minor adjustment in my schedule to accommodate, so I decided to choose another battle on another day.

It wasn't until later I realized I was soo glad I went along with it!  For some time she's been claiming that she's telling all our friends "all about me and what I'm really like."  Most of this has turned out to be imaginary, but I'm never certain what she's said to whom.  But what dawned on me was that with this new "arrangement," she is giving me an hour of unsupervised time with her main circle of friends, every week!  All the parents, assistants, recreation workers, etc, that she has been spending time with and claiming to "tell all about me."

I think we shall shortly see what is being said if anything, and if they have any doubts about me they can make up their own minds rather than having the benefit of her black paintbrush.   

First night of the new arrangement and it could not have gone any better!  Wife confirmed in another conversation that she does feel slighted because she isn't the center of attention with the exercise class any more, so she is moving on to something else, and once again leaving me to take over what was originally a joint endeavor.  However, my son and I had a wonderful evening without her.  I led the classes, and made one small adjustment to my post-class workout that allowed me to finish just as he was finishing his swim class. 

Afterwards, I did NOT go away while he went out to eat, but went along and sat with the other parents and workers.  Everyone got to see that contrary to my wife's opinion I am not an ogre (well, if I am it's a Shrek-type ogre).  I also got some much needed practice on my conversational skills, as I am so used to dealing with She Who Must Be Heard that I sometimes have trouble conversing with normal people without stepping on their lines.    My son was perfectly fine with arrangement and told me afterwards how much he enjoyed it and "I did a good job!" 

Here's to building some new friendships with the very people my wife has been trying to isolate me from! 

[eyvindr]

Nice! 

Good to hear, jedi.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Contrary to many of the posts I see on here where the pwBPD goes around painting their SO black to anyone who will listen, mine seems to be only doing so in her own mind.  I've followed up on a few of these comments, and what I find is that she may (or may not) have made a couple of slightly negative comments to people we both know, and then tries to lead me to believe she's been baring her soul to them, all about how bad I really am.  I can't tell if she's just trying to bluff me, or it's a case of her BPD altering reality to suit her emotions.  

So much of it has turned out to be not real that I've long since stopped worrying much about it, but I'm glad to have the chance to spend some time with some of our mutual acquaintances and just see if there's anything to any of it.  And just in case, for them to see I'm a real person and I don't bite the heads off baby birds or drown kittens in the toilet, etc.  

Great topic.  My wife is more concerned about her public image than trashing me.  In other words she wants so desperately wants to everyone in our circle to think we have the perfect marriage and family, so by trashing me that would break that entire fantasy down.  If your SO is doing it in her own mind rather than in public, maybe that is the reason. 

[jedimaster]

Great topic.  My wife is more concerned about her public image than trashing me.  In other words she wants so desperately wants to everyone in our circle to think we have the perfect marriage and family, so by trashing me that would break that entire fantasy down.  If your SO is doing it in her own mind rather than in public, maybe that is the reason.  

I think that is true to some degree with her as well.  When she started saying "she wasn't hiding the truth about me" any more, I started asking around and found that what she was really doing was making some kind of mild comment, and if the person didn't disagree, then she counts them as "being on her side" and "knowing the truth," when what they really are is confused.    Which tells me (a) she doesn't really want to admit to having a less than perfect marriage; and (b) she is so convinced of her own rightness that she can't imagine that anyone would not agree with her, so she agrees for them  

[BestVersionOfMe]

Great topic.  My wife is more concerned about her public image than trashing me.  In other words she wants so desperately wants to everyone in our circle to think we have the perfect marriage and family, so by trashing me that would break that entire fantasy down.  If your SO is doing it in her own mind rather than in public, maybe that is the reason.  

I think that is true to some degree with her as well.  When she started saying "she wasn't hiding the truth about me" any more, I started asking around and found that what she was really doing was making some kind of mild comment, and if the person didn't disagree, then she counts them as "being on her side" and "knowing the truth," when what they really are is confused.    Which tells me (a) she doesn't really want to admit to having a less than perfect marriage; and (b) she is so convinced of her own rightness that she can't imagine that anyone would not agree with her, so she agrees for them  

Bingo brother.  I've talked around and my wife has in essence gone silent on her friends and our mutual friends.  They know nothing from her, but they know what I'm doing through!  She is in essence exposed and she probably has no idea how much.  I didn't do this intentionally, it kind of evolved out of a need of getting a lot of support from those that love and respect me.  On top of that I have nothing to hide.  I know that people don't judge like they think you do so I don't give a ___.  My wife does though, the entire thing is a house of cards to her.  The image, the story, all of it.