Article - Divorcing Someone With BPD part 3: Serving The Papers

[Matt]

Divorcing Someone With BPD

3:  Serving The Papers

Once you file for divorce, the papers have to be “served” – that is, officially delivered – to the other party.

When this is done, the court will know that your spouse received the papers, and he will have a limited amount of time in which to respond.

If you are using a lawyer, she can arrange for the papers to be served.  Most lawyers work with process servers.  You will be charged for this service but you won’t have to do anything.

Another option, in some places, is to send the papers by certified mail.

In some places the police or sheriff will do it, at no cost or for a small fee.

As a courtesy to your spouse, you might offer him the option to come and pick up the papers, and sign for them, at your attorney’s office.  That way, your spouse will be spared the embarrassment of being served at home or at work.  Your attorney will probably not charge for this service;  her receptionist can handle it in just a few minutes.

If your spouse has BPD or another disorder, you might want to consider how he might act when he is served.  If you are still living together, will he get upset or even violent?  Will he accuse you of things or start a smear campaign against you?  It may be wise to arrange it in such a way that another adult will be around to make sure things go OK.

You might want to tell your spouse that he will be served soon, if that will help him react better to the news.

If you have kids together, you might want to let them know, in an age-appropriate way, so they don’t hear it first from your spouse, who might present it to them in an unfair or inappropriate way.

Here is a site with more details about having divorce papers served:  www.ehow.com/about_5035123_rules-serving-divorce-papers.html.

Here is a site with information for each US state:  www.divorcedocuments.com/state-divorce-forms.

[maxen]

As a courtesy to your spouse, you might offer him the option to come and pick up the papers, and sign for them, at your attorney’s office.  That way, your spouse will be spared the embarrassment of being served at home or at work.  Your attorney will probably not charge for this service;  her receptionist can handle it in just a few minutes.

my L had them delivered to her L's office. she's a very let's-keep-this-as-cool-as-possible type, which may be advantageous in BPD cases. the other L must have agreed to this arrangement (surely, but i can't remember for a fact); it was just before thanksgiving 2013 and schedules were choppy and this was convenient for all.

[Turkish]

I had the custody papers served through mail. She signed a form that she was served and mailed it back. Since we weren't high conflict regarding this (she had moved out and we were doing joint custody as we negotiated the details of the custody and CS), there was no need to go through the embarrasement of being served at work by a process server. No matter how angry I was at her for especially the turmoil of the last 4 months she lived with me (partial neglect and sometimes verbal abuse of our 1 and 3 year olds, nevermind she all but throwing her juvenile r/s in my face), it was in my best interest to remain cool and detached from this part of it. I could certainly have escalated conflict by reacting differently to a great many things.

Asses your specific situation Wisemindedly, and divorce yourself, no pun intended, from the baggage of your relationship dynamics as best you can. It is business at this point, and also the business of protecting yourself and your future.