Newbie looking for some advice. So sad.

[Cinderella8]

My daughter is 13.  She has many symptoms of BPD.  She also suffers from anxiety,and ADHD.  Our family is in crisis much of the time because of her behaviors. She is impulsive, disrespectful, and nasty much of the time.  I am so sad that she is clearly in so much emotional pain.  She is funny, generous and kind sometimes but this never lasts for long. We all need to walk on eggshells around her and it is exhausting. She has damaged almost all of her peer relationships because of her splitting, her explosive temper, her need to be right and her need to hurt verbally when she feels that she has been done wrong.  I know this is an illness and I am in so much pain watching her be this way but I am so angry also.  I love her but I don't like her as a person and it pains me to say that.  I have done so much to try to help.  we see a psychiatrist, she takes mess for anxiety, mood and adhd.  We have been to social groups when she was younger. we have been in CBT therapy, cognitive therapy and DBT therapy.  We just took a break from DBT therapy because I was paying 150 dollars a week and she refused  to generalize the skills she was being taught outside the sessions.  I am reading everything I can find and trying to be non reactive and to validate her, all the while trying to deal with terrible irritability, threats and meltdown over just about anything that doesn't go her way.  I came looking for some support because I am sad for her and fir me and for our family that is in crisis mode much of the time. I have an overwhelming g desire to step back emotionally or some peace but I can't because this is my child and I have a responsibility as a mother to never walk away no matter how painful this relationship can be.   I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband and a great circle of friends who are very supportive.  However I am often embarresed to share some of her behaviors, threats and distorted thinking because they get angry or give advice that just doesn't work. I also don't want people judging her. I am so stuck right now. I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I need some support from people that understand.  Thank you in advance.   :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mike-X]

  Some much emotion comes through in what you wrote, love, pain, heartache. I am sorry.

When did your daughter start showing BPD symptoms?

What books and materials have you read? What have you tried that has worked, even a little?

Are you seeing a therapist?

[jellibeans]

Cinderella8

I just wanted to welcome you here. I found this site just over two years ago and it has really helped me a great deal. I know how isolating this can be and you are right when you say not everyone understands.

I want to suggest a book for you called Overcoming Borderline Personality disorder by Valerie Porr. It really changed my life and has been so helpful.

Your dd sounds so much like my dd at that age. My dd has ODD and was very resistant to help or even using the DBT skills. I will tell you I think that will change for her as she matures a bit.

I think what helped me the most was the resourses here on this site. Using SET and validation. Also setting boundaries for my daughter and trying to less controling and reducing the conflict when ever possible. Please read the tool to the right here and they will definitely help. I really found that once I changed how I interacted with my dd then there was change in our relationship and I was able to cope better. Your dd needs to want to change and right now the only thing you can do is work on yourself and what things you can do differently. That is going to make the biggest impact because if we all keep doing the same things ... .we are all just going to get the same results.

I want to encourgae you post questions to problems you are having with your dd. Break down these issues into smaller parts can often help rather than wanting one big solution to everything.

It really sounds like you have offered your dd a lot of resources and although it looks like she is not really using them now it doesn't mean she wouldn't be open to using them later. Keep positive and know this is not something that will resolve it's self overnight. We are here for the long haul so find ways to take care of yourself. The stress can be overwhelming so don't neglect yourself. Hang in there