Projection, Invalidating, Lies and Slander

[Parents! Get help here!]

My adult daughter has not been officially diagnosed with BPD.  I can't even begin to imagine her seeking help.  Whenever it's suggested that she have any responsibility for her actions, that's the end of that counselor.  So I have no other place to turn to for support.  I am trying to get a handle on why my dd does some of things she does, and if she even realizes what she is doing to other people.  I can spend a day with her, have a great time, go home thinking everything is good in my world, then I get a phone call from a relative that my daughter is sending them messages that I spent the day abusing her.  I have page and pages of text and e-mail messages forwarded to me from friends and relatives that she wrote them that accuse me of raging at her, drug abuse, verbal abuse, financial rape, the list goes on and on and it is horrifying.  I understand the rages, but why would she seemingly be having a great day with me, while at the same time she is doing this to my relatives behind my back?  And I would really like to know if anyone else has the problem that I understand is called Invalidating?  Everything I ever have gotten her, she claims never happened.  For example, I refinanced my paid-off-truck to buy her a horse, and she claims that she paid for him?  I threw her a very over-the-top baby shower, and she called a cousin and complained I didn't get her a shower gift.  The list is endless, but you get the point.  What I don't understand, is does she really believe herself?  If she does, how could she?  It's in black and white.  Does she really think she is abused?  I am so confused.  BTW, I have not confronted her with these messages and e-mails.  She does not know I know of them.  We have discussed the rages, but she always accusing me of starting them.  Even when she sends text after text after text of verbal abuse, and has written copies, she still claims the roles were reversed.

[On A Mission]

My adult daughter has not been officially diagnosed with BPD.  I can't even begin to imagine her seeking help.  Whenever it's suggested that she have any responsibility for her actions, that's the end of that counselor.  So I have no other place to turn to for support.  I am trying to get a handle on why my dd does some of things she does, and if she even realizes what she is doing to other people.  I can spend a day with her, have a great time, go home thinking everything is good in my world, then I get a phone call from a relative that my daughter is sending them messages that I spent the day abusing her.  I have page and pages of text and e-mail messages forwarded to me from friends and relatives that she wrote them that accuse me of raging at her, drug abuse, verbal abuse, financial rape, the list goes on and on and it is horrifying.  I understand the rages, but why would she seemingly be having a great day with me, while at the same time she is doing this to my relatives behind my back?  And I would really like to know if anyone else has the problem that I understand is called Invalidating?  Everything I ever have gotten her, she claims never happened.  For example, I refinanced my paid-off-truck to buy her a horse, and she claims that she paid for him?  I threw her a very over-the-top baby shower, and she called a cousin and complained I didn't get her a shower gift.  The list is endless, but you get the point.  What I don't understand, is does she really believe herself?  If she does, how could she?  It's in black and white.  Does she really think she is abused?  I am so confused.  BTW, I have not confronted her with these messages and e-mails.  She does not know I know of them.  We have discussed the rages, but she always accusing me of starting them.  Even when she sends text after text after text of verbal abuse, and has written copies, she still claims the roles were reversed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi On A Mission and 

I'm so happy you found this site.  There is a wealth of knowledge to be found here.What you are describing is common with BPD.  I have also wondered that very same thing about my dd.  Does she believe these things have happened or does she know she's lying and attention seeking.  Not too long ago I found a letter she was writing to a friend about how when she had overdosed and unconscious (true) the police came and told her friends she was playing possum and had them all beat her up (false).   It really is hard to know how to handle someone who tells lies to you about what you do without feeling a little crazy.

It's so hard to live with being the target of lies and bizarre statements. How do you keep yourself grounded when all that is going on? The tools and lessons on the right hand side of your screen is an excellent starting place for finding new ways to react to these impossible situations. 

Again, welcome to the forum and I know you can find the help and support you so desperately need.

-crazed

[On A Mission]

Hi On A Mission and 

I'm so happy you found this site.  There is a wealth of knowledge to be found here.What you are describing is common with BPD.  I have also wondered that very same thing about my dd.  Does she believe these things have happened or does she know she's lying and attention seeking.  Not too long ago I found a letter she was writing to a friend about how when she had overdosed and unconscious (true) the police came and told her friends she was playing possum and had them all beat her up (false).   It really is hard to know how to handle someone who tells lies to you about what you do without feeling a little crazy.

It's so hard to live with being the target of lies and bizarre statements. How do you keep yourself grounded when all that is going on? The tools and lessons on the right hand side of your screen is an excellent starting place for finding new ways to react to these impossible situations. 

Again, welcome to the forum and I know you can find the help and support you so desperately need.

-crazed

Thank you so much for the welcome and the reply.  So excited to be able to meet some people with the same struggles!

[Kate4queen]

Here's the thing. You might see it as black and white and to anyone who doesn't have BPD you'd be right but those who suffer from it have a different way of viewing the world. Nothing you say can be allowed to disrupt how that person sees their world. Because to them your view is a threat to their existence and their very flimsy walls and self-image. You could show them a video of them doing the thing and they'd still deny it happened.

It's just the way their brains are wired. Once you realize you just aren't playing the same game or even the same sport, you can let go of trying to convince that person that the truth is the truth. You don't have to accept their version of what happened but there isn't any point in getting into an argument about it.

My son tells the most appalling stories about what we did to him as a child and how we kicked him out of our house on the eve of spinal surgery and didn't even visit him in hospital. The fact that he left and banned us from the hospital seem to have been misplaced somewhere because they would make him look bad-and he can't have that. To survive we have to be painted black.

I think you've got to protect yourself, realize that your DD is going to keep doing this even if you confront her with the truth. I wouldn't bother.  Hopefully, the people who love and care about you won't believe her. Don't let her draw you into her world. You might need to get some professional help for yourself, like a counsellor who can help you get through this and find the tools to deal with the upset.

Good luck.

[Mama-san]

Dear On a Mission,

Welcome to the forum. Kudos to you for seeking answers.

By your description you certainly have reason for serious concerns about your dd.  My heart goes out to you as a parent of a daughter with many of the difficulties you describe.  It may be hard to grasp that so many challenging behaviors could be common denominators.  Such is the case with the borderline world- all the same in different ways.

Even if your dd does not have BPD there is a huge amount of information on the site you may find helpful.  The information on F.O.G. & emotional blackmail and boundaries & limits in addition to general BPD criteria.  I encourage you to dig!

Our dd also has an alternate reality- what she believes/feels is real.  Her's is as real to her as mine is to me.  Understanding her perspective is helpful at times- not a matter of right vs wrong- just benign interpretation of her view of the world.  This gives me a way to proceed with understanding.

Wishing you the best.

[On A Mission]

I want to thank you all for your incredible replies and insight.  The above statements about being able to show them a video and they still would deny their actions, their alternate reality - those were exactly the answers I came looking for.  It is rather hard to wrap my head around it.  How can you deny what is in actual print?  Yet she does.  I think that's going to be the hardest part of understanding what the heck is going on.