Looking for support

[Ohiomom01]

Hello. I have a daughter with BPD. Started when she was around 14 with reluctance to go to school that led to self injury and social withdraw. By time she was to start high school, she said she would rather be dead than go to school. That lead to our first inpatient visit (of three) followed by two different outpatient programs. My husband and I traded nights of sleeping on the floor outside her bedroom to make sure she didn't attempt suicide in lieu of more hospital stays. We couldn't leave our daughter alone and she was home a lot of the time so we got little breaks ourselves from the stress of watching over her. We have had food issues, paranoia at times, lots of disassociation, troubled friendships/relationships, issues with sexual inhibitions online, etc.

Trying out different meds was a painful process but I think we have settled on a reasonable cocktail that provides some stability.


She is now close to 16 years old and I am happy to say that she has managed to return to public school - albeit a little reluctant - but she is attending with the occasion need to leave early or miss a day here or there. Self injury is reduced, however is always an issue. We still keep all the sharp objects in our house locked up. My beautiful daughter tends to spend her time playing minecraft and conversing with a "boyfriend" online. Even though we limit all the internet access, etc., even when she isn't on electronics, she can usually be found just laying in her bed. And even though she exhibits 8 out of the 9 criteria for BPD (no outward shows of anger at least), no one ever said she has it until I researched the condition myself and asked the current psychologist if he felt in his professional opinion if she had it and he confirmed she did.

We have no DBT training within a hour's drive of us here - at least for adolescents. And there has never been support offered to us, as parents, in this process, which has been a great frustration for me. I am trying to teach myself as much about the condition as possible and am learning that although I had no ill intentions, I have been an invalidating parent in many ways. I tried to mold my kids to think they way I thought they should. If there were frustrated with something, I told them how they should focus on the positives, etc. This worked well for my son but I'm learning just how hard that can be for someone with a sensitive emotional system. I find myself, at the moment, really focusing on being validating and more empathetic. Quite the challenge for me if I'm being honest. It's much easier to be annoyed and disappointed. My husband is a very introverted intellectual who has had little bonding with the kids. He is always present at every event, meals, etc. but says little and stays aloof. My daughter holds a lot of ill will toward him.

I am coming to this forum because I could really use some help from others to give me ideas on how to be validating yet a protecting parent.

For example, the last few days I have dealt with some issues where my beautiful daughter has asked me to come home from school when I know she is emotional upset - even though she thinks she is ill. OR last night she asked me to take her to the grocery store so she could buy some food even after she admitted she was really feeling emotionally bad and wanted to binge eat to feel better. It is hard to be validating yet find a way to say no to her requests. I can validate and understand the urge to eat or want to be home. I do ok with that part but in the end I have to say "no" or suggested a compromise that in essence is still frustrating for her or seems judgmental to her. (For example, I was willing to take my daughter to get something after we discussed the negative feelings she has a bit but how to suggest she stay reasonable in her selection and quantity she eats without making her feel bad for bad decisions in food choices. She knows I am judging her on her eating.) I can go in to much more detail on these events but I think I was just to introduce myself at this point and I already feel like I have written quite a long intro.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Ohiomom01

Raising a daughter with BPD isn't easy so I understand that you might be struggling with it.

I am trying to teach myself as much about the condition as possible and am learning that although I had no ill intentions, I have been an invalidating parent in many ways.

Once we know better, we do better. BPD is quite a challenging disorder and unfortunately none of us are born with the knowledge and skills required to deal with this disorder. This is something we all got to learn as we go along, often through a process of trial-and-error. There is a lot of information available though that might help you. I suggest you start by taking a look at the tools and lessons you can find to the right of this message board. I think these can be very helpful to you and also give you more insight into your daughter.

To help you communicate with your daughter, I suggest you take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this website:

Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

S.E.T.

S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. It is a tool developed for communication with people who have BPD. S.E.T. minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to someone and also of you staying calm yourself.

PS. Your intro wasn't that long at all you know

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Ohiomom01 & I'd like to join Kwamina in welcoming you to this site. He gave you some very good links to material that will help you with understanding the way your daughter's mind works, and the tools and techniques you can use to communicate with her in a way that doesn't push all of her buttons. I'd like to mention that you will find more of that information, with very good insights and advice by checking out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, making sure to check out the TOOLS and THE LESSONS. You will also find very good information by reading the Feature Articles (also found at the links under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting Board's main page threads listing). Whether she is currently diagnosed or in Treatment or not, all of the Articles are relevant and helpful.

We have no DBT training within a hour's drive of us here - at least for adolescents. And there has never been support offered to us, as parents, in this process, which has been a great frustration for me... .

Here's are a couple of links to CBT Programs (very similar to DBT) that you can read and see if you can help your daughter to check it out also:

Article 11: Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

Reframing thoughts about family (CBT technique for young people)

I find myself, at the moment, really focusing on being validating and more empathetic. Quite the challenge for me if I'm being honest. It's much easier to be annoyed and disappointed... .

I am coming to this forum because I could really use some help from others to give me ideas on how to be validating yet a protecting parent.

Feeling that way is so common and understandable, Ohiomom01... .We have all been there! The links below can help you put things on a more depersonalized level, where you can separate your daughter's words and actions from yourself and your own feelings, so that you can deal with her better. They have helped me immensely, and once I've been able to do that my relationship with my adult (37) son with BPD changed so much that he was more willing to enter and continue with Treatment, and our family life is so much more calm and amiable.

Radical Acceptance for family members

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

I hope all of this information helps, and please let us know if you have any questions. And continue to post your story and tell us how we can help you... .We really want to help 

[lbjnltx]

Hi Ohiomom01

Welcome to the site... .making the choice to learn and practice what we learn is the most positive action we can take towards helping our children, ourselves, and our relationship with our children.

Looking for validation techniques to implement while also setting limits can be a difficult task.  One of the ways I was able to do this was through asking validating questions and giving my daughter a voice in her choices while guiding her with follow up questions.

A great resource for learning the art of validation and all of it's facets is the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg.

It's available used online for a pittance and I found it priceless in my family's journey toward my daughter's recovery.

Regarding her needing to take emotional breaks during school hours... .have you met with the school counselors to discuss how your daughter might take those emotional breaks and remain on campus?  My daughter was allowed to go to the counselor's office when she felt overwhelmed or needed to take some self time.  Often times she would talk to the counselor and return to her class... .sometimes not.  It was a viable option for us.

Look forward to hearing more from you and learning how to further support you!

lbj

[Ohiomom01]

We have meet with all her teachers, guidance counselors, nurse, etc at school. They are a very accommodating school. However, my daughter refuses to speak with the guidance counselors, or visit the nurses office EVER. Says she would rather be dead that talk to them. They even arranged a pass for her to go sit alone in an unused office any time she wanted to but the act of getting up and walking out of a classroom is too much of an embarrassment for her and she can't do it. She can't even do it between classes, or during lunch, etc. She is very self conscious and thinks people are looking at her or noticing she is doing something different all the time. She has even told me she has concerns over how she swings her arms while she walks down a hallway, she can't open her mouth to breath thru her mouth after walking up the steps because she doesn't want to appear to be panting, she worries how she should carry her books, etc. Everything is a struggle for this poor kid.

I have been spending about 1-2 hours a day reading lessons/articles from this website and the NEA BPD or watching the related videos. It does certainly help calm me down and bring me closer to a point of empathy rather than reaction so that is good but it is very frustrating that there is no reasonable treatment near us anywhere. The closest DBT therapy is an hours drive away. There are not DBT therapists even for adults in the local area that I can find for myself - to help coach me thru being a better parent for this kid. I was seeing a regular therapist and she just sang my praises and told me I was doing such a good job. Although nice to hear, I think I have a lot to learn about DBT therapy and would appreciate some extra help. I even signed up for the telecommunication lessons for NEA BPD Family Connections lessons and got an email that there is a long wait list. I have no option than to wait but it is frustrating that there isn't more resources for these kids and supporting families at this point.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Ohiomom01

Thanks for posting this update.

I have no option than to wait but it is frustrating that there isn't more resources for these kids and supporting families at this point.

There is a website called DBT Self Help that you might find interesting. It's a service for people who are seeking information about DBT. The interesting thing about that site is that it was written primarily by people who have been through BPD themselves and not by DBT professionals. There's a lot of information on there about DBT and the various DBT skills and you can read the experiences of others as they go through their DBT journey. Here's a link to the website:

DBT Self Help

[lbjnltx]

Good idea Kwamina!

Also ordering and working through DBT Skills work books on our own can help us help ourselves and then trickles down to our BPD children.


The one I got for my daughter was titled ":)on't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life"

She worked through it with her regular therapist who wasn't officially DBT trained (though I did provide him books and access to online training courses).

I'll look for the title of the one I used for myself and return to post it.

lbj

[lbjnltx]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Tolerance

by McKay


lbj

[qcarolr]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Tolerance

by McKay

This workbook was very helpful for me as well. At one point when DD28 had returned to live with us I gave this to her. I think she did work through the beginning of it. Then she got bored, found friends, shifted back to what I perceived as the 'dark side'.

DBT Self Help had a place about Radical Acceptance that really really really helped me. Let me know if you need help finding this. I found that the DBT parent class I attended barely touched on this topic which surprised me. The practice of acceptance has been part of my foundation in seeking to understand BPD with my DD28.

qcr

qcr

[nzmum]

Hi you lot!  Would just like to thank lbjnltx for getting me to this topic.  

S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. It is a tool developed for communication with people who have BPD. S.E.T. minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to someone and also of you staying calm yourself.

I read about S.E.T. in 'I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality' [Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus] only VERY recently and the difference it has made to MOST communication with DD17 has been truly amazing! Why is it not the very first thing someone tells you when you ask for help? It's almost as if the parents are teaching the medical staff! We could have possibly communicated better for the last 12 months!   

Have just been looking at the DBT Self Help website (thank you kwamina) - the mindfulness movies are soo cool! Even if DD17 won't give them a go I know for sure that I WILL! 

It does certainly help calm me down and bring me closer to a point of empathy rather than reaction so that is good but it is very frustrating that there is no reasonable treatment near us anywhere. I think I have a lot to learn about DBT therapy and would appreciate some extra help.  I have no option than to wait but it is frustrating that there isn't more resources for these kids and supporting families at this point.

Hi Ohiomom01 -    I totally know exactly where you're coming from!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! For what it's worth the very best information I have had so far is from this website. I am getting better at looking after my own needs which until I came 'here' were long forgotten. The learning we do is for our darlings but make sure you use it for yourself too! 

After much perseverance I have managed to get on a Family Connections Course here in NZ (starts next month) and consider myself very lucky.    DH and I will have to drive for 2 hours there and then back again but it's all that's available to us. I have gone further and have also got myself lined up to do the Family Connections Leaders Training (which only runs once every couple of years apparently!)  and have already offered to run courses locally as soon as I can. I do not want anyone else to go through this the way we have!

I am currently waiting for my next delivery of books.

Fixing It by Bev Aisbett; Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: What to Do When Your Teen Has BPD: A Complete Guide for Families and Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder both by By Blaise A. Aguirre

Once they have arrived I will order some of the work books - in pairs I think - one for DH and I to work through and one for DD17. It really is true that the more we learn - the more we 'get' her and therefore the more use we are in what can often seem futile situations.

     to you all

Nzmom

" breathe - drop your shoulders - breathe once more - then lower your tone slightly as you respond"

Sounds simple and YES it does work