Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
December 22, 2024, 08:17:52 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.
Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse (Read 469 times)
JCB443
Fewer than 3 Posts
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
on:
February 01, 2015, 12:06:21 PM »
hello,
my spouse and i have been together for almost 20 years. Mostly good times, a few bad ones here and there. The last two years have been especially rocky. We are living apart at the moment. As I have some pretty strong codependent tendencies, there's been a lot of dysfunction in our relationship. As you might imagine, I do want to be supportive of her. I think I could particularly use guidance and suggestions around setting boundaries and also on thinking about whether or not to keep the relationship that doesn't really meet my needs. I mostly hear about how I'm not meeting her needs.
Thanks for being here.
Logged
Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #1 on:
February 02, 2015, 08:53:11 AM »
JCB443, yeah, being with the spouse for 20 years and then to have it get rocky is no fun whatsoever! I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil. A counselor friend of mine said that being selfless is not being selfish. It is extremely important to meet your own needs as much as you can. While you want to be supportive of her, who is being supportive of you? Is she? It sounds like if you two are living apart, this is the time to meet your own needs, to reflect on what you want. That is being loving of yourself, and that is the best boundary of them all. You are protecting your self. You may even wish to seek counseling to delve into taking care of your emotional self and perhaps even to do some journaling. If and when she comes around, at least, you will have a very good sense as to who you are, what you need, and what you are willing to offer without resorting to habits that got you and her to be where you are now. Lastly, it took a lot of courage on your part to move, and I envy you. You have found a boundary to protect yourself without immersing yourself in her drama and trauma. Hang in there, my friend!
Logged
BestVersionOfMe
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #2 on:
February 02, 2015, 07:05:55 PM »
Quote from: JCB443 on February 01, 2015, 12:06:21 PM
hello,
my spouse and i have been together for almost 20 years. Mostly good times, a few bad ones here and there. The last two years have been especially rocky. We are living apart at the moment. As I have some pretty strong codependent tendencies, there's been a lot of dysfunction in our relationship. As you might imagine, I do want to be supportive of her. I think I could particularly use guidance and suggestions around setting boundaries and also on thinking about whether or not to keep the relationship that doesn't really meet my needs. I mostly hear about how I'm not meeting her needs.
Thanks for being here.
Codependents + BPD's = dysfunction. You are a part of the problem just like her. Since you are apart and not getting your needs met and because you are in the "staying or leaving" section it sounds like you need to educate yourself a lot, lot more before making any final decisions. What I did notice is that you said "mostly good times" so the fact that the last 2 are bad makes me think there is possibly a base that could be repaired. I can't advise you one way or the other however. I just am a big fan of reading a ton of books about BPD and CoDependency both and working on your side of the fence which you're gonna have to do anyways even if you ultimately leave the relationship. In case it helps, I've had some serious successes with the S.E.T. strategy with my wife in the last 3 days which gives me some hope. She usually backs down when I enforce what I want.
Logged
JCB443
Fewer than 3 Posts
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #3 on:
February 04, 2015, 07:39:48 PM »
Thanks so much for the replies! Already I feel a little less crazy than I have frequently felt during the years of my relationship. I really did think our problems were mostly because of my issues and went into therapy early last year. I told my spouse she couldn't join me in the sessions and thus began the turmoil that has characterized the last 12+ months. She's made 3 fairly serious threats of suicide along with numerous other vindictive actions in this time. When I asked her if she thought she might have handled anything differently she said, "no", that everything she had done was a consequence of my behavior. That's pretty impossible to work with.
Beyond reason, I do miss her, especially when I think of our fun times. This time apart is definitely for the best for me. I've been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of sadness and grief, and occasionally get a glimpse that I'll be OK. It's just hard for me to fathom anyone tossing aside a relationship like this. I feel like I should just tell her to "F" off if she wants to treat me this way. I guess I know now that it's not entirely her fault, assuming she really does have BPD. At the same time, the treatment I get is unacceptable.
I'm very glad to have found this space.
Thanks!
Logged
BestVersionOfMe
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #4 on:
February 04, 2015, 09:46:32 PM »
Quote from: JCB443 on February 04, 2015, 07:39:48 PM
Thanks so much for the replies! Already I feel a little less crazy than I have frequently felt during the years of my relationship. I really did think our problems were mostly because of my issues and went into therapy early last year. I told my spouse she couldn't join me in the sessions and thus began the turmoil that has characterized the last 12+ months. She's made 3 fairly serious threats of suicide along with numerous other vindictive actions in this time. When I asked her if she thought she might have handled anything differently she said, "no", that everything she had done was a consequence of my behavior. That's pretty impossible to work with.
Beyond reason, I do miss her, especially when I think of our fun times. This time apart is definitely for the best for me. I've been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of sadness and grief, and occasionally get a glimpse that I'll be OK. It's just hard for me to fathom anyone tossing aside a relationship like this. I feel like I should just tell her to "F" off if she wants to treat me this way. I guess I know now that it's not entirely her fault, assuming she really does have BPD. At the same time, the treatment I get is unacceptable.
I'm very glad to have found this space.
Thanks!
I'm so sorry man, you must be so hurt. I think grief and feelings of loss are quite normal, especially during times where you know what must be done. I fight those feelings and thoughts myself. I don't think my relationship is salvageable. I'd like my wife to be extracted from my life and friends entirely if possible and replace her with someone who love's and respects me. I'm gonna give it a shot for another couple months or so and if it remains the same just move on and let the chips fall as they may.
Logged
Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #5 on:
February 04, 2015, 11:32:10 PM »
JCB443, grief and sadness are so natural when you have devoted so much time and so much effort into a relationship. Yet, when she has made serious threats of suicide and numerous other vindictive actions, then, the fun times that you had are definitely stained for a lifetime, no matter how much love you have had for her and for the good times. She needs to take care of herself instead of blaming you exclusively. You need to take care of yourself due to being at the brunt end of her anger and her negativity. Take care, my friend!
Logged
BestVersionOfMe
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268
Re: Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
«
Reply #6 on:
February 05, 2015, 11:26:18 AM »
Quote from: Samuel S. on February 04, 2015, 11:32:10 PM
JCB443, grief and sadness are so natural when you have devoted so much time and so much effort into a relationship. Yet, when she has made serious threats of suicide and numerous other vindictive actions, then, the fun times that you had are definitely stained for a lifetime, no matter how much love you have had for her and for the good times. She needs to take care of herself instead of blaming you exclusively. You need to take care of yourself due to being at the brunt end of her anger and her negativity. Take care, my friend!
Lot of truth in this post.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Being Me and Being a Good Spouse
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...