Worn out - why do we stay?

[Lumpy_]

What are your reasons for staying with your BPD S/O?

Why do we put up with so much when we deserve better? Everyone says it about my S/O, including my family, his family and friends. I imagine many of you are in similar boats.

I'm just so tired of having to constantly soothe someone who cannot soothe themselves, then have to in turn soothe myself when I am subtly patronised, criticised and complained about when I'm anything less than perfect.

I am going through a period of depression at the moment as I've just had to leave my family (they live overseas; I see them maybe once a year if I'm lucky) and instead of empathy, all I get is the situation made about him with his whining. Whining to my sister that he has, 'this to look forward to and put up with every time we come back' and whining to me that it makes him feel like $!@£ that he currently cannot make me happy.

Every day I have something to emotionally recover from ... .if it's not his irresponsible spending (despite all these fantastical dreams of owning this expensive house, this fancy car), him micro-managing me, to him b___ing and whining about how victimised he is at work, how his ex left him for another man, his past failures with women etc. etc. ... .all things that I try to be understanding about. As soon as I have a moment when I need a little support, I'm made to feel like I'm being a pain.

I have never treated a man so well in my life and I constantly feel more and more resentful that I'm in turn treated like something that serves a purpose, almost like a dog. People don't seem to be people to him - they have uses and any interaction he has with them has an agenda attached to it that he benefits from.

I guess I just needed to vent today ... .I just don't know how to manage or whether I want to anymore.

[Leaving]

I don't know how long you've been in your relationship but if you're not happy, you should leave before you get anymore trapped by emotional, mental, physical and financial ruin.  Much of the reason I stayed was because by the time I realized I should go, I was financially strapped and trapped in the marriage and our business together. Your health, finances and mental health will take such a hit that you wont even be able to imagine any possibility of getting out.

Granted, I also stayed because I felt afraid that things would get worse for me if I left. That's what daily trauma does- it undermines you and leaves you so confused, exhausted, frustrated, weak and insecure that you can't even make any decision about anything.  You will learn to fear the unknown and you will stay because even though it's unhappy, the unhappiness has become your friend- the only constant in your life that you can depend on ( aka Trauma-Bonding).

[Lumpy_]

Hi Leaving,

Thanks for your response. It hasn't been long at all. In fact, only 7 months. I can categorically say that it feels more like 7 years, though  

I know you're right. It's what everyone has told me. No one can quite understand why I put up with the things I do or how I can still be in this relationship - I don't understand it myself! Weighing up the pros and cons leaves me with a rather long list of cons and at the moment, I really can't see any pros whatsoever ... .

At the moment, because I'm down he is suddenly making a lot of plans that don't include me (normally he's so clingy he wants me to go everywhere with him). It's almost as though he needs other people to suck the life out of as I currently don't have anything left in me.

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving,

Thanks for your response. It hasn't been long at all. In fact, only 7 months. I can categorically say that it feels more like 7 years, though  

I know you're right. It's what everyone has told me. No one can quite understand why I put up with the things I do or how I can still be in this relationship - I don't understand it myself! Weighing up the pros and cons leaves me with a rather long list of cons and at the moment, I really can't see any pros whatsoever ... .

At the moment, because I'm down he is suddenly making a lot of plans that don't include me (normally he's so clingy he wants me to go everywhere with him). It's almost as though he needs other people to suck the life out of as I currently don't have anything left in me.

3 months into my marriage, I was in a doctor's office having a crying fit or nervous breakdown.  2 years after that I ( not him) took antidepressants to cope with my life.  Those antidepressants didn't do anything to change him and I ended up suffering even more because I was on zombie planet while my business and home was spiraling out of control with no one in charge.  18 years later after losing almost everything I decided to leave.  If you believe that it's going to get better all on its own and by some miracle or Divine intervention that he will be struck by lightening and show up as a new man you are most likely going to be severely disappointed and cleaning up collateral damage all by yourself.  It's a whole lot easier to recover from this now than it will be 6 months from now.

The longer you stay, the more conditioned you become to tolerate this type of relationship with other people ( not just your partner).  If you don't want to leave, I understand but do yourself a favor and get into therapy so you can learn WHY you chose this type of relationship and WHY you tolerate it.  It's worth the investment.