Tips for surviving court process with BPD exhusband

[Kayvee]

Hi there, 18 months after separating and dealing with so many awful situations with my undiagnosed BPD ex husband, I am about to embark on the court journey to finalise custody etc of my 2 year old son.

My ex has had so many delusional rants over the last 18 months. For no reason I am called evil and venomous and he has made so many wild unfounded accusations. He accused my father a very gentle man who dotes on my son as his only grandchild, of child abuse and just recently has started accusing me of taking drugs.

I think it is to deflect from his own history of drug abuse which will come up in court for sure.

How did you all cope with that?

I am a tough girl and have developed a very thick skin but wondering how much attention the court will pay to these wild accusations?

Am keeping strong by thinking that if I know it isn't true then he can't prove it.

But it's starting to get under my skin and I am kind of wondering what next. Thanks!

[Thunderstruck]

DH and I have been accused of everything... .drugs, domestic violence, sexually abusing SD10, not paying support... .all false. DCF got involved, the police got involved, the courts got involved, and now we have a CE involved. They've all found uBPDbm's claims unfounded which makes her look like a fool.

It was tough to go through. Very very tough. But everytime we got a report that cleared us of these heinous accusations, it was more evidence that uBPDbm is lying (and what kind of stable parent would do that?).

There doesn't necessarily need to be proof in order for a person in family court to make accusations. Just calmly and matter-of-factly state these claims to be untrue and offer to prove it in any way (drug tests, witnesses, etc). Remember, the judge has been through this rodeo hundreds of times. He/She probably by default assumes both sides are lying.

[ForeverDad]

My ex has had so many delusional rants over the last 18 months. For no reason I am called evil and venomous and he has made so many wild unfounded accusations. He accused my father a very gentle man who dotes on my son as his only grandchild, of child abuse and just recently has started accusing me of taking drugs.

I think it is to deflect from his own history of drug abuse which will come up in court for sure.

Been there, lived that. :'(  I viewed it as my ex trying to make me look worse than her.  I could almost expect a new allegation when we had a looming court hearing or when she had messed up.  An example is the time when our son was in kindergarten and she raged at the pediatrician's staff because I had made an appointment after the school nurse had called me about required vaccinations.  The pediatrician 'fired' her by sending her a Withdrawal of Services letter.  We were nearing the end of the divorce process and she knew she looked bad.  Naturally she had to make me look worse than her so she took our son to the hospital claiming the bruises on his shins were me beating him in a rage.  (The nurse noted they were normal bruises for an active boy his age.  He later told me he thought he got a bruise on the monkey bars at a park - with his mother.)

How did you all cope with that?

With great difficulty.  It was hard, I had always been a Knight in Shining Armor and after we were married some 15 years she was claiming I was Mr Evil Personified.  However, over the years she lost more and more credibility.  Why did it take years, besides me being unusual as a member of the male gender?  "The person misbehaving seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit."

 

However, take heart, though the agencies are required to listen to every allegation and investigate the ones that have the potential to rise to the level of being 'actionable' - child abuse, child neglect, child endangerment - they deal with false allegations more often than you think.  Over time - perhaps over a long time - your ex will gradually be viewed with less and less credibility.  Just be prepared for them to decline to call them 'false' allegations.  The typical outcome is 'case closed' or 'unsubstantiated' if you get a letter.  I've gotten both but have never gotten ''unfounded'.

I think part of the reason for such passive terminology is that court doesn't want to fan the flames of conflict by making one parent the winner and the other a loser.  Also, officialdom doesn't want to discourage reporting if something concerning happens (or is claimed/suspected to have happened) again.

[momtara]

I went thru this with my ex husband and I had a 2 year old.  You should read 'Splitting' by Bill Eddy.  It addresses the lies and all of this.

What kind of custody do you have now?  Are you going to have an evaluation?  Sometimes they are helpful, sometimes not.

[livednlearned]

Pour all of your efforts into documentation. Your ex will say all kinds of things, hoping something will stick. Your job is to refute everything he says with documentation.

You can do this in different ways. You need a third-party professional of some sort involved to introduce testimony to undermine what your ex is saying. Depositions can be helpful. Most pwBPD cannot track the facts of their own stories, and a deposition can be entered as official testimony. Then your L cross-examines your ex, and all kinds of inaccuracies come out.

If your dad wants to clear his name, that might be the best approach.

[ogopogodude]

Kayvee, ... .I am a BIG advocate of the truth.  I love the quote ... ."The truth will set you free" ,... .The truth is ALWAYS on the side of the victims of a loved one afflicted with BPD. 

I am also a BIG advocate of video taping nonsense behaviour.  Videotape, videotape and , ... .oh yeah, and I forgot one more thing... .videotape.

Go buy a looping camera video cam for your front porch, your car (called car cams) --> which are not just for videotaping rear enders or planes flying out of the sky hitting bridges (like that one in China yesterday), ... but they are great for documenting nonsense behaviour like domestic behaviour.

If there is ONE thing that a BPD person does not like is having their actions documented. They will do a 180 and leave the situation if they learn that they are being videotaped, or will start to (hopefully) act "normal" if they know that a camera is mounted on the front porch of your residence or inside your car, ... .and so on.

Money WELL SPENT. Look up "drop cam" , or Finevue, and so on.

It has done wonders for me (in terms of my ex behaving herself, ... .i.e. no more nutty rages)

My ex knows that I have many very damaging videos and audio clips of her acting like a raging lunatic.  This is WONDERFUL evidence that can be used at anytime (talking to police, opposing lawyers--> lawyers HATE when they know that there is evidence of their client in existence that can arise at anytime in court proceedings)

[Kayvee]

Thanks so much for replying. As awful as I feel reading these stories and knowing what you have gone through, it makes me feel like I can get through it and that I'm certain ly not the first or last person to do so.

The thing that really gets to me is it feel like there is  no end to all of this but reading about your experiences it looks  like eventually you get to an end. I wish I could fast forward! I feel like I need to believe in an end or I will end up just as crazy myself.

I am not sure what it is about the accusations as I know clearly in my heart they are not true but it hurts me thinking of him saying it to people about me.

It will be very easy to prove the allegations are not true and I have so many excellent character witnesses having run my own business for 12 years, I just hate the thought of such awful untrue things being said about me.

I've got a strong moral code and always do the right thing so just being associated in the same sentence as such awful things really upsets me.

[SlyQQ]

one of the more fanciful things my ex tried was getting someone ( her new boyfriend ) to ring her dad an leave a taped death threat against her

she accussed me in court of doing it and the judge just asked if there was any proof from the police the awnser was no he dropped it an moved straight on

[still_in_shock]

I am so sorry you have to go through this, and I can relate so well... Myself, going through a high conflict divorce with undiagnosed BPD husband who is accusing me of mental illness. Its impressive how well they can trick people into believing into their projections on us of their own problems. Ever since I've brought up a serious conversation of his mental state with him, he started spreading serious rumors against me that I am the mentally ill one by involving lawyers, therapists, family members. He even uses my own words (that I told about my observation of his behavior) against me. This is so ridiculous.

I've bought a book "Splitting", which I highly recommend to you. It's a very useful guidebook of going through a divorce with the BPD.

My story is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271907.0

Hi there, 18 months after separating and dealing with so many awful situations with my undiagnosed BPD ex husband, I am about to embark on the court journey to finalise custody etc of my 2 year old son.

My ex has had so many delusional rants over the last 18 months. For no reason I am called evil and venomous and he has made so many wild unfounded accusations. He accused my father a very gentle man who dotes on my son as his only grandchild, of child abuse and just recently has started accusing me of taking drugs.

I think it is to deflect from his own history of drug abuse which will come up in court for sure.

How did you all cope with that?

I am a tough girl and have developed a very thick skin but wondering how much attention the court will pay to these wild accusations?

Am keeping strong by thinking that if I know it isn't true then he can't prove it.

But it's starting to get under my skin and I am kind of wondering what next. Thanks!