No contact for one year

[teachersub]

Hi, I would really appreciate hearing from any grandparents in particular whose adult child has refused to let them see their grandchild/children for a long period of time.

I have posted my whole story on this board beginning in December,2014. I don't feel so alone after reading about other parents' experiences, but the sadness, frustration,and anger are always lurking in my mind even though I am doing better now than the whole last year.

If you could please share your stories (happy or sad) I'm sure that would be very helpful for me in dealing with this horrendous illness.

Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi teachersub

This has been such a long journey for you. Your son was 'gone' from you for so very long,came back recently and now he has painted you black, out of his life, again. And our of your gd's life as well. Perhaps the fiancee/mommy is impacting this distance as well. My heart is with you.

There are other grandparents here in very similar situations. Some have been able to gain new understandings and tools to reconnect, even in small ways, with their  adult kids and the grandkids. I hope some of them will find this post and share their stories. I know that Valerie Porr in her book "Overcoming BPD" has a chapter that has given new hope to many here.

My story is a bit different than yours and is a happy/sad, happy/sad, happy/sad, one. My  BPDDD is now 28. When our gd9 was a tiny baby she was often left in our care. Often overnight. Then DD stopped showing up in the morning for us to go to work - she asked us to get daycare as she was overwhelmed being a single parent all day. Then she refused to sign the releases for the daycare until I dragged her in there. She did sign a statement for us to get gd medical care.

DD used gd to manipulate us with the threat "I will take gd and you will never see either of us again". The trauma of this fear was killing me -- really killing me. My immune system was on the attack in multiple ways as DH and I chose to pursue custody. Not an easy thing with our state laws when DD is technically living with us. By a miracle the daddy helped us with this -- he also was being manipulated by DD with their daughter. Both parents signed a voluntary custody agreement, temporary for a year. We had already filed our petition with the court and had the initial meeting with the family court facilitator which did not go that well. I am so grateful for the daddy saving us this court fight with DD. Then the judge cancelled the hearing and made the order permanent. DD holds still anger that she did not "get her day in court". She resists treatment still.

When DD got pregnant again - new bf - we chose to limit our attachment to this gchild even before he was born. We realized the limits in the parents' ability to see and meet the needs of a child and chose to not take him as our child. He was in foster care at 5 months, adopted by foster parents by age 2. The adoptive parents moved out of state and I can see him on their facebook page. DD made a good choice to avoid future pregnancies with a 10 year IUD.

I get that DD suffers greatly from the loss of her children. She has many other losses in her life as well. I keep praying that someone can reach her to join in a therapeutic environment to work through these losses. I have tried and failed -- too close to the trauma perhaps.

Our DD is quite low functioning. She has been asked to leave our home due to raging and threatening behaviors, especially in front of gd. We always let her come back. My 'happy family fantasy' really got in the way of making better choices. This has impacted GD in many negative ways that we are working through day to day. She really does not want any contact with her mom (and whoever is the current bf). So I work to accept that DD is who she is and will choose to live how she does. I can take care of myself and my gd with values-based personal boundaries, seeking support from those who are with me to stick to these boundaries. GD - she holds me more accountable than anyone! Practicing many of the tools here, and finding face to face support in my faith community and therapy has allowed me to find ways to reach out to DD. For now I am finding better success in a healthier relationship with her, sticking to my clear boundaries. I am better able to find forgiveness in myself for the many mistakes I made as a parent not understanding what was needed by DD her whole life.

DD does not own so much of my thinking time most days. Currently she is a somewhat stable situation staying at a friends and is seeking to take care of her own needs. I see her about once a week. She does not rage at me anymore for 'stealing' her child, and  still is angry that I 'interfere' with her access to gd. It did impact her while she was in a jail last year that gd did not want any contact with her at all. This soften a bit when she was released with a few short visits. Gd stated the rules: No yelling, no bad words, no uninvited friends. She was able to even say this to her mom. Maybe DD gets that it is not My interference with gd. Maybe DD has some rare moments when she can self-reflect on the impact she has on this r/s with her daughter.

I try to take it one day at a time. Seeking some peace and joy in each day. It is there when I can sit quiet a bit for it to find me.

There is a lot of grieving  I have done as a parent. Perhaps you are moving through some of the grieving in your life. Let me know if you want more info. on Valerie Porr's ideas on reconnecting after no contact.

qcr