So completely confused as to what I should be doing or feeling...

[TheRiddler]

Hey everyone,

My name's Matt.

I apologize in advance if this is a little terse and hard to read; I'm just doing the best I can to get it all down.  And please try to be a little tactful when responding to me as I'm still in a difficult place and I just am not able to completely give up hope that we'll get back together.

My girlfriend of 2.5 years (we'll call her N) broke up with me in early January.  Since describing the breakup to my psychiatrist and therapist, I've learned that there's a good chance she's BPD (and from my own research, I'm assuming she's a Waif, though I'm not completely certain).  (She's 30 and I'm 32, for future reference.)  The psychiatrist I'm seeing has been dealing with borderlines and everything else for over 30 years, so when she says she didn't have a doubt in her mind I tend to believe her, regardless of the lack of first-hand exposure.

So here's what happened:  In early November of last year she told me that she wanted to take a 2 month break because we're in different places right then.  She said she wanted to move in together and be engaged and she assumed I didn't (which I corrected her on).  She stipulated that we weren't to speak during this break.  She also said the break was to work on our own separate issues, a claim that'd change at least three times during the course of this debacle.  She brought up wanting to know about her abandonment issues and some other things she was having problems with.  This wasn't difficult because we live a little ways apart in separate cities (approximately 30 miles).  She works retail with odd days off and I was working a typical 5-day-a-week job so it'd take some coordination to get together at her mother's house but we did it without too much problem, though we didn't see each other as often as she'd have liked (we spoke about this issue and worked out a compromise of communicating through other methods every day).  

I'll try to keep the meat of the story simple.

I spoke to her a couple of times during the 2 month break, though I wasn't supposed to, to get some clarity.  The first time she told me I'd had chances to accomplish the things I was supposed to intuit she wanted done before the end of the year, and she was super upset.  I asked her if she was going to give me another chance and she said, "yes, don't you trust me?" in a hurt tone, as though I was accusing her of not being trustworthy.  The second time I spoke to her through email.  I sent one that was as heart-felt and apologetic and straight honest as I could be (and it was honest), telling her that I had been planning the things she wanted but I wasn't aware of the timeline.  She appreciated the email, saying it obviously came from the heart, but she still needed time to herself (notice it's switched from being an "us" thing to a "her" thing).  She reiterated that we'd discuss things in the new year.  I was satiated with that for about 4 days.  I'd become obsessed with the idea of "a chance."  Is that continuing dating to see if I've accomplished what I was supposed to?  Is that a written questionnaire on Scan-tron that I'd need to complete with some arbitrary score to pass?  I had no idea, but I was in so much pain and so confused I had to have yet more clarity.  The next email focused on this.  She'd said that during the relationship, she was always focusing on my feelings, so I told her in the email that I didn't want her worrying about me, that I could take care of myself; but, I did need a little bit of help understanding what was to come.  I asked if I was going to be getting a real chance to be together.  She responded saying that of course I was, she thought she'd made it very clear that I was (if that were true, I wouldn't have been leaving work early to cry in my car).  So with that news, I was elated.  It was the first time during the 2 month break I actually felt happy.  

During this period I continued to speak to her mother.  I'd let her mother know that I'd found an apartment, and she insisted on letting N know because of how large an expenditure it would be.  N and I spoke a couple of times, once on the phone and once through texting.  Both the phone conversation and texting session gave the same idea: she wanted to make sure I was getting the apartment for me, because she wasn't sure we'd be together.  I was caught of guard with this line of logic during the phone call, but I was ready for the text.  She said something along the lines of, "Mom tells me you're still thinking of signing the lease, do you want to talk about it?"  I replied that it didn't matter, she didn't want to live with me so it didn't have anything to do with her.  I wanted her to, but she didn't want to.  She sent what I can only assume was an upset text (it's hard to tell), telling me it wasn't that, it's that she wanted to be able to help me choose.  But as the conversation continued, she again assumed the "get it if it's for you" posture.  Her tone rapidly switched between apparent interest and complete disregard.  She started getting back to the way she'd been pre-2 month, using similar verbiage and lamenting the fact that we weren't understanding each other (a problem she'd bring up frequently, but would never help me solve).  But then it was if she caught herself, and she told me we should really wait until January to discuss any specifics.  I sent her a text the next day saying I didn't sign the lease, and I'd wait to look again until she could join me.  She thought that was a good idea.

So New Year's Eve, she texts me asking me how I'm doing.  After some brief exchanges she tells me she wants to meet at a friend of her mother's, for whom she frequently housesits, so that we could have some privacy for our big talk.  She wanted to meet on the 7th of January.  I thought to myself, I'd just been through the most painful, hellish 2 months of my entire life, and she again wants me to wait an arbitrary amount of time.  It was her day off, so I understand that logic, but I wasn't going to go along with it this time.  I told her that I'd prefer a telephone conversation (I really wasn't interested in seeing her at this time).  She wanted it to be face-to-face so nothing would be misconstrued (a word she started using in this period immediately after I started using it, which was a little odd).  I asked for a compromise, suggesting that we try speaking on the phone and if she feels the conversation isn't clear, we'll stop and I'll just wait until the 7th.  

We ended up having to wait until the 5th because of various illnesses I think she was manufacturing, but she called and we discussed.  I laid down everything I'd been doing during the break.  The apartment (which didn't matter), having my medication adjusted, seeing a therapist to work on some issues she'd said had bothered in the past, everything.  She tells me she enjoyed the time to herself during the 2 month break.  (A note: I should mention that between New Year's and this conversation I'd asked her if she'd found a good therapist to deal with the problems she said she wanted to address, and she laughed embarrassingly and said she didn't have time.  Her mother told me that she wasn't really doing much during that time.)

So just as I'd predicted, the next day we broke up.  She said she stilll loves me, but she's not ready for a relationship with anyone.  I get a letter that makes me feel horrible, telling me when we didn't move in and get engaged before the end of the year, she slowly lost interest in the relationship.  She said we're now not on the same page because I want a relationship and she doesn't.  (As a reminder, she'd just said a couple of months earlier we weren't on the same page because she wanted to move the relationship forward (which I did, too) and I didn't.  So that's weird.  

A few days later I felt a bit bad because according to some of those last texts, she thought I hated her.  I told her I didn't hate her, I love her.  She said I love you, but I don't want a relationship.  I want to be alone.  

I spoke to her briefly on the phone, and she said we may get back together, nothing's for sure.  I don't know if she's borderline or not, but I know I'm an idiot and I have hope because of that nonsense.  

I haven't spoken to her for a month and she hasn't tried to contact me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm completely obsessed with this, and I don't know what to do.  I'm heavily OCD, so when people tell me to "let go" or "move on," it doesn't really register quite right.  This is a problem my mind's stuck on, and I keep trying to work it out.  I feel I made all of the mistakes, and if we'd just had better communication we wouldn't have had a problem.  I don't know if she's completely written me off as someone she'd want to try dating again, or what.  I don't know if I should try asking, or when.  This wouldn't hurt as much if I knew the majority of the reason for her wanting to separate was that she didn't want a relationship with anyone, but I'm terrified to ask (and online articles terrify me more, saying this is just a nice thing girls say).  I'm terrified because I responded to the 2 month break like a break up, the break up like a break up, and I don't want to do it a third time, when I'm just starting to feel okay.  But I continue to need information, some idea of what's going on.  I hesitate to write these things because no matter what there's always someone on a board like this who thinks he's being helpful that'll tell me there's no chance in hell and to give up.  

I could use some sensitive help, gang (that's not meant to be accusatory, I've read quite a few threads on this board and you seem really welcoming here).  If anything doesn't make sense please let me know.


Some more things that I've realized since my psychiatrist mentioned she could be BPD:

-she's obsessed with Disney and Disneyland is her favorite place in the whole entire world

-she actually pouts when she pouts, protruding her lower lip (she didn't know she was doing it)

-unexplained body pains (she went to all kinds of doctors and couldn't find anything wrong)

-extremely manipulative

-there's more I'm not thinking of

[Infern0]

Hey man,  you have really been through it and I'm sorry to hear it.

Hard to say if she's BPD for sure but the shoe seems to fit,  at the least we can agree she is extremely toxic.  This kind of behavior is unacceptable and you really need to come to terms with that.

Are you still wanting her back?

In these sort of cases my advice is "move on but leave the door open a Crack"

What I mean is take this time to work on yourself,  think about what you really want,  reflect on the experience.  But you may hear from her again and if you do the aim is to be in a much better,  stronger place and you can decide what to do.

not to give false hope but I went through the traditional BPD breakup and I thought I'd never recover,  I did a lot of self work and really really grew from it all.

7 months later my ex wants me back,  to the tune of almost begging and grovelling for forgivness. and I'm in a position where I'm not even sure if I want her or if I'm selling myself short.  A dramatic turnaround considering she used to own my balls pretty much.

Go look at Robert wong self redirection series on youtube,  I found his work helpful.

Good luck

[TheRiddler]

Hey man, thanks for the helpful words.

As to whether I want her back, that's really tough to answer.  I say and feel I do now because I'm dealing with the breakup still, but I have serious doubts.  I know if we worked on communication we'd have a much better shot.  But family and my psychiatrist say I should walk away and not look back; she's damaged goods and she'll only hurt me again. 

Mostly, I just want to find out about whether she hates me / has painted me black, or if she's honestly not interested in a relationship and given some some she would consider me for a partner.  The thing I'm struggling with is just feeling she's written me off forever.  And this is doubly tough for me because, not knowing for sure whether she's BPD or not, I try to seek advice on forums for traditional relationships and those just make me feel as though she's completely over me and there's no hope. 

I suppose right now I'm mostly feeling tremendous guilt and shame, and that I'm the sole ruiner of the relationship.  I always say, "If I'd just gotten that apartment a bit earlier," things would be different.  But family and my therapist ask why it all fell on me, and why all blame for things not being done in the relationship fell on me, which I suppose is somewhat true.  Since she was in the city we wanted to find an apartment in, it stands to reason she could do some looking... but her accusing me of being too picky made it all my responsibility again.

She mentioned in her letter that every time we went on a trip she'd be expecting me to propose and she was too embarrassed to admit it, and we hadn't even had a formal marriage discussion.  She did make little comments that people would later tell me were really awful and manipulative.  I can't think of the exact conversation we'd be having, but she'd turn to me and in a really odd, threatening voice, say, "maybe my next boyfriend will."  She couldn't just plainly tell me what she was thinking or have an actual conversation.  Maybe the marriage discussion is traditionally the man's duty and I completely screwed up, I don't know... that's sure what it feels like.  Everyone tries to comfort me and say that it takes two to tango and it's no one's fault, but I just can't shake the feeling.

I feel she really, really did me wrong, yet I have feelings.  It's a tough position to be in.  I'd like to let some time pass and see what happens, but in order to do that I really feel I need some information about whether I'm completely written off or what.  I'm not recovered enough to take a severe "no" answer, so I've been trying to think of a way to pose the question that would give me some relief/satisfaction if it's positive, and won't send me into another layer of hell if it's negative.  This is something I really feel I need to do, and I'd appreciate any suggestions on when and how this could be done.

[TheRiddler]

Pardon the bump, I need as much help as I can get.

[eyvindr]

Hi Riddler --

It's never easy when someone we care about tells us they aren't on the same page with us. It's normal to want to understand all of the reasons why -- I mean, if we know the reasons, we can fix everything, right? And get what we both really want?

But the thing you learn in life is that when it comes to emotional stuff, that nice, neat logic just kind of stops applying. People fall in love, people fall out of love, people get back together, people break up hundreds of times -- none of it makes much sense.

In the end, you have to decide for yourself what kind of life you want, and make decisions that support you having that life -- because, trust me, it's out there, and you can have it. But you are going to have to make the right decisions to have it. And only you can make them.

What if the best advice you could get is coming from your T and family, both of whom are thinking only about what's best for you? What if your ex doesn't want to be in the r-ship anymore, regardless of her reasons?

I wish you the best. I will say, though -- it's not normal, healthy or appropriate for one member of a couple to start expecting a proposal when the subject has never been brought up before. I've been through that. Might have been the way things happened back in 1920, but that's not how people make those decisions today. Don't take that on yourself -- you didn't do anything wrong. Hang in there, Riddler. The best is still yet to come for you.

[TheRiddler]

Thanks eyvindr, I appreciate it.

It's true, we'd spoken of marriage, but I was never informed of the time table.  And she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, she wanted to be alone; I guess there's no way to tell if that's true at the moment, but I feel awful at the prospect that she's just written me off as someone she'd want to give a chance to when she does want to be in a relationship.

[eyvindr]

I feel ya, man. I'd been dating my ex for just over 6 months in our first round together -- and we'd fallen madly in love, but we were still very much getting to know each other.

Or so I thought. Apparently, she was already planning the rest of our lives together. That first Christmas, after spending our first extended period of days together -- it was terrific, really -- the day she went back to her house, I get a phone call, and she informs me how hurt and disappointed she was that she didn't get an engagement ring.

I really should have gotten out right then. But I didn't. Her behaviors got increasingly worse -- as did my capacity to be patient with her. She never did get that god-forsaken ring. Live and learn.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi, Riddler, and welcome! I'm sorry; you've really been through it, and I know you're hurting and confused.

I especially hate to hear that you're heaping guilt and shame on yourself. Try to go easy on yourself, don't take all of the burden of the relationship on your own shoulders. You tried, you loved, you cared... .you did not ruin anything by doing these things. If your ex was BPD (and no one here, of course, can diagnose her), then nothing you could have done would have changed the eventual outcome.

The abrupt end of these relationships leaves us with so many unanswered questions. We struggle for closure. Our exes, unfortunately, can't give us this closure - we have to find it for ourselves.

But the thing you learn in life is that when it comes to emotional stuff, that nice, neat logic just kind of stops applying. People fall in love, people fall out of love, people get back together, people break up hundreds of times -- none of it makes much sense.

^ This is absolute truth.

What if the best advice you could get is coming from your T and family, both of whom are thinking only about what's best for you? What if your ex doesn't want to be in the r-ship anymore, regardless of her reasons?

I think these are two very important questions to examine.

As eyvindr said, only you can make the decisions about what is best for your life. Self-examination is the way to get there.

Mostly, I just want to find out about whether she hates me / has painted me black, or if she's honestly not interested in a relationship and given some some she would consider me for a partner.  The thing I'm struggling with is just feeling she's written me off forever. 

Why is this important to you?

Hang in there, and take care of yourself. 

[TheRiddler]

I've never seen such a happy nihilist, thanks for the welcome, and the helpful advice.

It's important to me because I'd just like to think we have a chance in the future.  I keep in occasional touch with her mom and she says N doesn't want to be in a relationship and it's unclear when she will be.  From what I know, I was her first real relationship so if she is borderline, I suppose there's a chance she's incredibly confused at the moment. 

An example of the kinds of things that are freaking me out: her mom told me she's mostly working and hanging out with friends, but I look online for some hint of an idea of whether she's moved on or over me or what have you, and in a lame "top 19 reasons" list they mention if she's going out with friends she's moved on. 

Everyone keeps telling me no one knows what's going on or what'll happen.  But it'd just be nice to know I haven't done something so heinous as to warrant being excluded from consideration.

I also feel regret that I should have known we needed to be engaged by 2.5 years, but I wasn't thinking about until the next year.  Everything continues to feel like my fault and I don't know how to shake that.

[eyvindr]

Hi Riddler,

Man, I can tell you're hurting. I feel for you. We've all been there.

That said -- with all due respect -- it sounds like you're obsessing over the break-up. It's really pretty normal -- especially when it's a sudden break, and you're still feeling blindsided. Forgive me if my comments below sound a bit terse, but here's what I'm hearing in your posts --

It's important to me because I'd just like to think we have a chance in the future... .Everyone keeps telling me no one knows what's going on or what'll happen. But it'd just be nice to know I haven't done something so heinous as to warrant being excluded from consideration.

It's completely understandable that you feel this way, Riddler. You've lost an r-ship with someone you really liked. Not knowing why leads you to keep ruminating about what you could have done to have made it work.

I keep in occasional touch with her mom and she says N doesn't want to be in a relationship and it's unclear when she will be.

Why do you do this? Hate to put it so bluntly, but you're only prolonging your pain. I did this once with a past fiancee -- we'd been together for 5 years, and I'd gotten to know her family very well. It took her father telling finally "you need to let this go -- I don't agree with her, but it is what it is" for me to realize that I was just being a sentimental fool to keep entertaining hopes that she's come to her senses. Frankly, everyone has a right to leave an r-ship if they aren't happy in it -- doesn't matter whether or not it makes sense.

Her mother sounds very kind. Maybe she's just trying to help you move on, the way my ex's father did for me.

From what I know, I was her first real relationship so if she is borderline, I suppose there's a chance she's incredibly confused at the moment.

If you were her first real r-ship, it may help to explain some of her behaviors -- which are basically just pretty immature. No one needs that. Do you want to be involved with a partner? A woman who is your equal, emotionally and intellectually? Or do you want to be with a child? I know that may sound harsh, but, if she has BPD, her emotional development was arrested at some point -- maybe when she was 3, or maybe 6 or maybe 13 -- but you can bet she's not at the same level as her biological age.

An example of the kinds of things that are freaking me out: her mom told me she's mostly working and hanging out with friends, but I look online for some hint of an idea of whether she's moved on or over me or what have you, and in a lame "top 19 reasons" list they mention if she's going out with friends she's moved on.

You need to focus on yourself, Riddler, and what will make you happy, in your life, without anyone else. You won't be alone forever, and who knows? -- maybe your ex will wake up, get a clue, work on herself, and try to come back some day. (Fopr your sake, I hope she doesn't, and you can move on to someone better for you.) If you work on yourself and stop worrying about her, you'll be in a much better position to determine if a relationship with her -- or anyone else -- is right for you. If you keep trying to find your happiness outside of yourself, you run the risk of making the same mistakes again.

And -- believe me -- the pain we feel when things don't work out is no less than it was the last time. Is it really worth it?

I also feel regret that I should have known we needed to be engaged by 2.5 years, but I wasn't thinking about until the next year.  Everything continues to feel like my fault and I don't know how to shake that.

In all honesty, based on what you've shared, including her email to you, I really don't think you did anything to cause this r-ship to end. Maybe she just wanted out. If that's the case, I don't know why she went to the trouble to try to make it about you missing some unspoken marriage proposal deadline -- except that, if she has BPD, that would be a way to make it not about her wanting out, but about you doing something wrong to justify her choice. On the other hand, if she really does mean what she wrote -- she's extremely out of touch with reality, and still seems to be living under the impression that romantic partners can read each others minds -- something normal-thinking adults realize is silly.

Maybe this will help you. Ask yourself, if you had proposed, would she have accepted? Of course, you have no way of knowing. If she had accepted, the what? Would you have moved in together? Would the engagement have lasted until the wedding date? Would the marriage be based on a decision that was made mutually, between two people, who know each other well, who share fundamental core values, whose expectations for their respective and mutual futures are in synch?

The fact is, the r-ship you had ended before you even had a chance to explore those things. What makes you think the outcome would have been any different? You get the person you're with, when you get engaged or married. In my own life, I made the mistake of thinking that once I conceded to my gf's demands to move the r-ship forward -- move in together, get engaged, get married -- that all of her unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviors would end because, of course, she'd grow up -- ha! None of it happened! My ex wife was the same crazy party girl when I divorced her as she was when I met her. The only difference was that, by not heeding the   's and thinking of myself as much as I thought of her, I wound up divorced, broke, a single dad -- all things that weren't in my plans, you know? And no way out of them -- at that point, it was reality, and I just had to make the best of the situation and live through it. Which I did, and I'm fine. But, sheesh -- if I knew then what I know now... .

Spare yourself. Move on. Let her go. You'll be fine.

So -- what do you want to do with your life? What are your dreams? Let's get working on the good stuff.

[TheRiddler]

I appreciate the incredibly thoughtful reply, thank you.

Oh, I can guarantee I'm obsessing, to be sure.  I've been told a few times a breakup is rough enough without having a heavy case of OCD piled on top.

I'm curious though: she hasn't reached out to me in the month since the break up... does that mean she's completely over me and I haven't a chance at future reconciliation, or what?  I hear some members on the board (like infern0, for example), mentioning an ex coming back quite a few months after the break up, and others mentioning years.  Is there any rhyme or reason to this?  Is there no communication that can happen on my end or is it just depending on them?

I really wish I wasn't oscillating so rapidly between her being BPD and not... it'd be nice to have a mental story to stick with, for my own sanity.

[Sheed]

Hi Riddler

I can tell you are really hurting. I will tell you and i don't mean to be crass but if she told you that she is not ready to be in a relationship you have to respect that. You do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocal. Don't try to find an angle (mental, personality disorder etc.) The best advise i can give you is this. If you really want her back you should find a way to make yourself attractive to her again. There really isn’t anything you can say to your ex BPD (if she is) that will make her want you back. You need to instead focus on your actions that will make you attractive in the eyes of your ex.

This doesn’t mean you spend all your time thinking about how to be attractive to your ex. You need to instead focus on what you want to do with your life and pursue that in an attractive way.

Remember that your ex had feelings for you in the past. It just didn’t work out due to some bad behavior during the course of the relationship. Some of this is out of your power. But you can learn the skills you need to be better so all of your future relationships work out.

Sheed

[TheRiddler]

"Pursue that in an attractive way"... what does that mean?

And I'm not trying to find an angle, I'm trying to find an explanation for her kooky behavior, which I think is a worthwhile endeavor because it removes the feeling of guilt and blame to a degree if I can see that there were other factors at play besides my being a failure.

[Sheed]

"Pursue that in an attractive way"... what does that mean?

And I'm not trying to find an angle, I'm trying to find an explanation for her kooky behavior, which I think is a worthwhile endeavor because it removes the feeling of guilt and blame to a degree if I can see that there were other factors at play besides my being a failure.

"pursue that in an attractive way" simply put is that you should focus your efforts on something that you enjoy doing. By doing this it gives you your confidence and your self worth back.  You don't want to be around someone who is constantly a "debbie downer" or a "buzz kill" would you?

Trying to find an explanation is going to be a bottomless pit and you don't wanna be going on a downward spiral. Trust me on this. I have been there. Like you, i thought that it removes the feeling of guilt and shame to a degree but the fact of the matter is if you keep on thinking that you are the reason why it didn't work out. Like you, I still don't know if my EX has BPD because she has not been diagnosed. Take solace in the fact that you are doing the best that you can to be with her but it's not working out right now... Which brings me to another factor, TIME. Time can be you greatest ally or your worst enemy. It just depends on how you use it. Use it wisely, like working on stuff that you put on hold when you get into the relationship with her. When you finish it it will make you feel better. Also, do not forget to reach out to your friends and have a great time with them. My EX tried to isolate me from my friends and almost succeeded but when she broke up with me i reached out to them and they helped me smile and vent. Surround yourself with loved ones dude! My whole experience left me with the conclusion that your true friends will never leave your side and will always be there in time of need.

PEACE! 

[eyvindr]

Sheed is right on.

As the saying goes, "If you love somebody, let them go."

I really wish I wasn't oscillating so rapidly between her being BPD and not... it'd be nice to have a mental story to stick with, for my own sanity.

Exactly, Riddler. So, pick a story -- and pick the one that works for you, and by "works" I mean the one that honors the person that you are, and the life you want to live. And go with it. It's your life. You get to pick the story.

[TheRiddler]

I have to say, I found odd comfort in both possibilities.  If she's not disordered, maybe after a bit of time we could have a discussion about our relationship and a possible reconciliation.  If she's borderline, it seems like any convincing from my end is much less likely.  And then, I get sage advice from eyvindr and others telling me I really don't want her back, either way.  It's about the most confused I can ever recall being in my entire life, but I appreciate everyone trying to help.

[TheRiddler]

And apologies for the double post, but if there's a possibility of salvaging a relationship, isn't there a certain number of days after the break up you have until there isn't much chance anymore, or are all of those "Get Her Back" advice sites useless?  And I suppose it becomes doubly unpredictable with a pwBPD.

[JRT]

I saw one of those 'get her back' sites. Consider that all if any of that stuff works, it works for people that do not have a personality disorder. You need to be good to you and go easy on yourself: I noticed that you had considered that if you did such and such then it may not have had the outcome that you have experienced. If she is pwBPD, there is nothing that you could have said or done that would have made any kind of impact upon your relationship with her and ultimate breakup.

If your intent is to get her back, your best bet is no contact (this includes email., text and fb). Because of the push/pull dynamic that typifies their behavior, remaining in contact and giving her a fertile path for return will push her further away.

If you intent is to leave her, you best bet is also no contact. It ain't easy to do. We have all been there and in order to facilitate this you need to fill your every waking hour with things that keep you mind off of her; exercise, friends, travel, reading, whatever - look after you. Spoil yourself. Spend some money. Take a trip. Go on a date. Just GO! IT will test your strength, but it WILL go away. 

[TheRiddler]

Thanks JRT, that's very helpful.  I've been trying to follow that advice and it's getting easier, but it's a slow road.

I keep coming back to the fact that I should have tried harder to get an apartment, but I was legitimately so stressed by a work contract that it wasn't in my mind.  And not to place blame, but she'd had it in her mind that apartment hunting was my responsibility so she stopped helping.

I just feel so much regret.

[JRT]

Stop beating yourself up man. A strong relationship could have withstood that like it was a pebble in the road. Remember and it is TRUE: if she is a BPD NOTHING that you could have said or done could have prevented this... .nothing, apartment or not.

It will take time... .you will have ups and downs... .read as much as you can about this - knowing all I can about it and seeing how her behaviors might have been motivated by this dynamic or the other seemed to help.  Write! Write here, write on paper (just don't write to her!), it seems to have a therapeutic effect. Come to these boards; there are people here that have been through this and know exactly how you are feeling. Tell them your challenges... .help others if you can. Its all part of the process.

[TheRiddler]

Thanks man, I appreciate it.

These thoughts have been really helpful, everyone.  If there's anything else that's apparent from my situation or I can clarify something to get more info, please let me know.  I've found that in these types of situations I find comfort in being informed.

[JRT]

Its normal to think this way... .keep posting here with whatever you feel that you need to resolve.

[TheRiddler]

Thank you.

I do have a horrifying update:

I just got a couple of texts from her mom that N has seen a few of the texts we've been exchanging (I don't know if she showed her purposefully or it was an accident).  I now feel all no contact hope is lost and any chance of her wanting me back is completely gone.  I'm in a pretty desperate place and I'd been doing just about okay.  This isn't a good year so far.

[JRT]

Hang tough there man... .keep reading these threads... .ask for help... .see a T... .be good to yourself!

[TheRiddler]

Yeah, I'm seeing a T.  Do you think I ruined things?

[almostmarried]

Hello Riddler,I know your story,and the stories of many,many others here,trying to make sense of all the nonsense and sick b... .s... t,the blameshifting and the accusations our BPD-partners laid on us. Everybody is searching for answers and solutions,wondering "... .if I only had done this,or that,then maybe everything would be fine... ." which is as much nonsense and b... .s... .t as the behaviour of your ex-BPD-partners,because in the long run no matter what you do or don´t do,or even if you do exactly what they "wish",they gonna turn it around on you and blame you for whatever made up, sick reason.

So here is my LAST SENTENCE on these boards,because it´s time for me to move on,after 2 years here:

TAKE THE RED PILL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!

[TheRiddler]

Hey almostmarried,

I'm glad things are going so well for you, man.  I'm not quite there yet but it sure sounds nice.

I'm seriously concerned about her mom having read the texts... apparently she reacted by saying something along the lines of, "he could just talk to me."  I don't know, I'm so tired of being obsessed over this stuff, but the easiest part of potentially getting her back, the not contacting her part... I think I even managed to screw that up.

[eyvindr]

Riddler --

You have to stop ruminating on this crap. No matter what you do or say or don't do or don't say, your ex is always going to have a "comebacK" that will leave you feeling like you're responsible for the whole thing, including the failure. Who cares who read what? -- everything you've said has been honest, right? If the truth hurts, so be it.

I think you want a relationship where you can live in the open light of day, and not subjugate your needs and feelings to a partner who will always put their needs and feelings ahead of everyone else's. It doesn't make her a bad person -- it makes her a bad partner.

Something hit me last night, and it was one of those realizations that just rang out, loud and clear as a bell. I actually thought of you when it hit me -- and everyone else here who struggles with the whole issue of maybe this, maybe that -- maybe if we'd've just been able to have had the exact right response to some specific situation, that all of these issues would just go away.

So, listen -- and see what you think. This is what the universe told me:

We feel like we have to do something, because we know that our partners are struggling with an illness that interferes with their ability to regulate their emotions in a way that would support a steady, peaceful ongoing romantic relationship. So, we don't want to judge them, or blame them, or hold them responsible for their behaviors -- because it's not their fault, due to the illness. It's BPD's fault, not the person's. Which is all great -- it speaks well of us for being compassionate, loving partners. But it keeps us stuck, and thinking that, if we can only learn how to get around the illness, to the real person who we love, then we can fix everything. If we can take them by the hand, and help navigate them through the fog, or at least recognize that it's just fog around us, and nothing real, then we can deal with this.

The problem is that it doesn't change a damned thing. The illness doesn't go away, and it won't go away, or even really improve, probably, without a full-on commitment to long-term therapy and hard, psychic WORK on our partners' parts. And very few of them seem willing to do this. There will be FOG every day -- just some days it will be worse than others.

I think we have a form of survivor guilt. And we need to get over it. This isn't our fault. We didn't cause it, we can't fix it, and we aren't obligated to stick around for roller coaster ride. I don't know about you, but I like sunshine.

[JRT]

Yeah, I'm seeing a T.  Do you think I ruined things?

you ruined NOTHING... .NONE of this is your fault! You really need to embrace this... .you did nothing to sabotage your relationship, SHE did. And she has done it before and will do it again; with or without you. It is HIGHLY unlikely that she will improve, at least not enough to have a healthy relationship and I am sorry to tell you this. It is a bitter pill to swallow but all of here, including you, have all had the unfortunate experience of stepping on emotional landmines; none of us knew that they were there as they were hidden well but we stepped on them and our souls were ripped apart as a result. Believe me, I wish that I had never met mine at this point. We had many good times but they are more than offset by the heartache and suffering that she has caused.

[jkwest]

If you were her first real r-ship, it may help to explain some of her behaviors -- which are basically just pretty immature. No one needs that. Do you want to be involved with a partner? A woman who is your equal, emotionally and intellectually? Or do you want to be with a child? I know that may sound harsh, but, if she has BPD, her emotional development was arrested at some point -- maybe when she was 3, or maybe 6 or maybe 13 -- but you can bet she's not at the same level as her biological age.

You need to focus on yourself, Riddler, and what will make you happy, in your life, without anyone else. You won't be alone forever, and who knows? -- maybe your ex will wake up, get a clue, work on herself, and try to come back some day. (For your sake, I hope she doesn't, and you can move on to someone better for you.) If you work on yourself and stop worrying about her, you'll be in a much better position to determine if a relationship with her -- or anyone else -- is right for you. If you keep trying to find your happiness outside of yourself, you run the risk of making the same mistakes again.

thank you...

thank you for this... .I needed this so much, you have no idea.

Good luck, Riddler... .I just joined this page yesterday and the relief I feel that I'm not alone is mindblowing...

thank you everyone who has words of encouragement, they are needed.