I contacted replacement to discuss my son

[londonD]

So my replacement by the sounds of things is a nice guy and he's really into my ex.

He has met my three year old son and stayed in the same house as him for extended stays.

The house they stayed in I own, it's my home and they have been having sex in MY bed with my son in the next room.

This really hurts!

I sent him an email asking to meet with him so we can decide how he will be positioned in my sons life. He replied and agreed to meet me for a coffee.

After a few beers on Saturday and my ex being a b___, I sent him a list of early BPD dating signs, I thought he will now have a reference, it's been raised and once the signs occur he can decide his course of action.

What do you all think of this?

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you're really hurt -- understandable. Your home, your bed, your son, and this guy is sleeping with your ex. Ouch.

The guy seems nice, and you want to talk to him to find out how he's going to be involved in your son's life.

What were you hoping to gain by sharing information about BPD with him?

EDIT:

I think I get it. Just saw that you posted over on Leaving:

Maybe he will be right for her and will pander to her every need. That would hurt as then it'll seem like I was the problem!

Maybe my son will love him more than he loves me.

She adored me... .I know she will be telling this guy about how awful I am, a bully etc, like she told me about her ex

It sounds like you want to run this guy off. You may not be in a place to hear this -- you're in a lot of pain, still grieving the relationship, but is it better for your son to have a revolving door of men pass through his life? Or would it be better if your ex was a little more stable. You don't know if the next guy will be as nice.

[londonD]

It sounds like you're really hurt -- understandable. Your home, your bed, your son, and this guy is sleeping with your ex. Ouch.

The guy seems nice, and you want to talk to him to find out how he's going to be involved in your son's life.

What were you hoping to gain by sharing information about BPD with him?

EDIT:

I think I get it. Just saw that you posted over on Leaving:

Maybe he will be right for her and will pander to her every need. That would hurt as then it'll seem like I was the problem!

Maybe my son will love him more than he loves me.

She adored me... .I know she will be telling this guy about how awful I am, a bully etc, like she told me about her ex

It sounds like you want to run this guy off. You may not be in a place to hear this -- you're in a lot of pain, still grieving the relationship, but is it better for your son to have a revolving door of men pass through his life? Or would it be better if your ex was a little more stable. You don't know if the next guy will be as nice.

I don't know what I was hoping to gain. I'm sure she has been telling him awful things about me, lies, manipulation. She did the same with me and her ex, she loved me, or so I thought.

She was lovely at first. This guy is seeing the best of her, and they are both conspiring about me and saying what a terrible father I am.

In my house, my bed and with my son around.

That hurts!

I want him to know she is a pathological manipulator

[Turkish]

It sounds like you want to run this guy off. You may not be in a place to hear this -- you're in a lot of pain, still grieving the relationship, but is it better for your son to have a revolving door of men pass through his life? Or would it be better if your ex was a little more stable. You don't know if the next guy will be as nice.

I came to this realization, albeit grudgingly, because he was her affair partner (now they're engaged, though not co-habitating yet). My replacement does as all a favor (uBPDx, obviously  in keeping her stable.

As for your Leaving post, LondonD, unless there is an active campaign of parental alienation and your son is kept from seeing you, it's doubtful that your son will see anyone else as his Daddy but you. Kids know.

[londonD]

It sounds like you want to run this guy off. You may not be in a place to hear this -- you're in a lot of pain, still grieving the relationship, but is it better for your son to have a revolving door of men pass through his life? Or would it be better if your ex was a little more stable. You don't know if the next guy will be as nice.

I came to this realization, albeit grudgingly, because he was her affair partner (now they're engaged, though not co-habitating yet). My replacement does as all a favor (uBPDx, obviously  in keeping her stable.

As for your Leaving post, LondonD, unless there is an active campaign of parental alienation and your son is kept from seeing you, it's doubtful that your son will see anyone else as his Daddy but you. Kids know.

I really hope this is true... .I'm his daddy and I want him to know that every day

[Ripped Heart]

I don't know what I was hoping to gain. I'm sure she has been telling him awful things about me, lies, manipulation. She did the same with me and her ex, she loved me, or so I thought.

She was lovely at first. This guy is seeing the best of her, and they are both conspiring about me and saying what a terrible father I am.

In my house, my bed and with my son around.

That hurts!

I want him to know she is a pathological manipulator

LondonD, this is a difficult situation to find yourself in and one that if you are not careful, you will find yourself playing into whatever your ex might be saying about you.

My BPDgf, I spoke to her ex at the start and he had quite a few things to say. However, his actions were matching what she was saying about him so I had no reason to think otherwise. This end of the r/s I've even taken the time to apologise to him for being disrespectful to him in the beginning and believing he was the crazy stalker she made him out to be. I felt the need to do that because I know now that he was right but that was my choice to do that, your replacement may not take to what you have told him, especially if it's come out of anger and frustration on your behalf.

The best advice I can give you is now that's been done, you can't turn back time and have planted the seed in his head. All you can do now is be the person you want to be for you and your son. Prove yourself through your own actions. People can say anything they want to but if the actions don't match the words, that's where you will trip her up and she won't be able to hide that.

I know when exN/BPDw began her smear campaign, she tried to include my friends and my d14's mother. It was her downfall because who I was compared to who she was trying to say I was didn't add up and eventually everyone turned against her without any intervention from me. I never felt the need to defend myself in that situation, just let my actions do the talking for me.

You've planted a seed in his head which may manifest over time or maybe not, either way just be you and as difficult as it may be, don't play into your ex's hands and be the person she least expects you to be 

[livednlearned]

What kind of custody arrangement do you have with your son? Anything court ordered?

[londonD]

I don't know what I was hoping to gain. I'm sure she has been telling him awful things about me, lies, manipulation. She did the same with me and her ex, she loved me, or so I thought.

She was lovely at first. This guy is seeing the best of her, and they are both conspiring about me and saying what a terrible father I am.

In my house, my bed and with my son around.

That hurts!

I want him to know she is a pathological manipulator

LondonD, this is a difficult situation to find yourself in and one that if you are not careful, you will find yourself playing into whatever your ex might be saying about you.

My BPDgf, I spoke to her ex at the start and he had quite a few things to say. However, his actions were matching what she was saying about him so I had no reason to think otherwise. This end of the r/s I've even taken the time to apologise to him for being disrespectful to him in the beginning and believing he was the crazy stalker she made him out to be. I felt the need to do that because I know now that he was right but that was my choice to do that, your replacement may not take to what you have told him, especially if it's come out of anger and frustration on your behalf.

The best advice I can give you is now that's been done, you can't turn back time and have planted the seed in his head. All you can do now is be the person you want to be for you and your son. Prove yourself through your own actions. People can say anything they want to but if the actions don't match the words, that's where you will trip her up and she won't be able to hide that.

I know when exN/BPDw began her smear campaign, she tried to include my friends and my d14's mother. It was her downfall because who I was compared to who she was trying to say I was didn't add up and eventually everyone turned against her without any intervention from me. I never felt the need to defend myself in that situation, just let my actions do the talking for me.

You've planted a seed in his head which may manifest over time or maybe not, either way just be you and as difficult as it may be, don't play into your ex's hands and be the person she least expects you to be 

This is very good advice. The seed has been planted, the more time they spend together the more he'll get to know her.

She can't hide her personality (disorder) for long. Once the honeymoon period is over, she will become unraveled once reality sets in. He'll then see the real her

[Janelleblue]

I think it's a great idea to warn him but nobody wants to have their bubble burst.  My ex could control it for a little while.  I'm a woman and him a man.  I guess it will probably be a matter of time now depending upon the cycles or rages.  My ex could be pretty violent. 

[scraps66]

I would not contact the new target of interest.  I have a similar situation, my ex has and the new bf for a long time and he is apparently GREAT, GREAT with the kids, etc. etc. etc.  I never got any of the treatment this guy gets.  I now see him regularly and have to share my kids with him at activities.  I won't say a thing to him about ex.  This is just not something you want to do.  As far as the kids, that is out of your hands too when they are not with you.  Not saying to not voice an opinion if something is happening with the kids, but don't think it is your place to alert this guy of what is coming. 

[londonD]

I would not contact the new target of interest.  I have a similar situation, my ex has and the new bf for a long time and he is apparently GREAT, GREAT with the kids, etc. etc. etc.  I never got any of the treatment this guy gets.  I now see him regularly and have to share my kids with him at activities.  I won't say a thing to him about ex.  This is just not something you want to do.  As far as the kids, that is out of your hands too when they are not with you.  Not saying to not voice an opinion if something is happening with the kids, but don't think it is your place to alert this guy of what is coming. 

He has contacted me and wants to meet me to discuss how he will be positioned in my sons life. We both agreed the meeting will have no hostility.

He seems respectful, I'm certain my ex is pooping herself because her lies will become unravelled. She would have lied about me and our relationship.

She will also have lied about herself as a person, as she did to me! Good luck to her... .

[livednlearned]

I would not contact the new target of interest.  I have a similar situation, my ex has and the new bf for a long time and he is apparently GREAT, GREAT with the kids, etc. etc. etc.  I never got any of the treatment this guy gets.  I now see him regularly and have to share my kids with him at activities.  I won't say a thing to him about ex.  This is just not something you want to do.  As far as the kids, that is out of your hands too when they are not with you.  Not saying to not voice an opinion if something is happening with the kids, but don't think it is your place to alert this guy of what is coming.  

He has contacted me and wants to meet me to discuss how he will be positioned in my sons life. We both agreed the meeting will have no hostility.

He seems respectful, I'm certain my ex is pooping herself because her lies will become unravelled. She would have lied about me and our relationship.

She will also have lied about herself as a person, as she did to me! Good luck to her... .

Hey londonD,

I know this is really painful what you're experiencing and you're still hurting from the split, and now this new guy shows up and he is not just replacing you, but he's someone in your son's life. You're angry -- it's understandable. You feel some vengeance here to set the record straight and maybe punish her. This might feel really good in the short term, but you have a long game going on here that involves your son. If this guy turns out to be decent, he might be a stable presence in a home that won't be. Watching your son fall apart with a BPD mom can rip your heart up and make what you're feeling now look like small potatoes. Parental alienation tends to go along with BPD divorces (read Lesson 6). It's a form of brainwashing that can effectively remove your son from your life. Even if the courts say you can see him, he might believe what his mom says about you. Kids don't have the same ability to figure out what's going on.

The hardest thing you can do, and the best thing you could do, for you and your son, is to figure out how to keep someone stable in your ex's life. Someone you trust. Someone who can tell you what is going on in your son's life.

It hurts what you're experiencing right now, but if you can just imagine -- there is an even greater source of pain on the horizon. Watching helplessly as your kid starts to fall apart as the BPD parenting (everything you experienced) takes its toll.

Scare this guy off and you may end up with a much bigger problem.

[londonD]

I would not contact the new target of interest.  I have a similar situation, my ex has and the new bf for a long time and he is apparently GREAT, GREAT with the kids, etc. etc. etc.  I never got any of the treatment this guy gets.  I now see him regularly and have to share my kids with him at activities.  I won't say a thing to him about ex.  This is just not something you want to do.  As far as the kids, that is out of your hands too when they are not with you.  Not saying to not voice an opinion if something is happening with the kids, but don't think it is your place to alert this guy of what is coming.  

He has contacted me and wants to meet me to discuss how he will be positioned in my sons life. We both agreed the meeting will have no hostility.

He seems respectful, I'm certain my ex is pooping herself because her lies will become unravelled. She would have lied about me and our relationship.

She will also have lied about herself as a person, as she did to me! Good luck to her... .

Hey londonD,

I know this is really painful what you're experiencing and you're still hurting from the split, and now this new guy shows up and he is not just replacing you, but he's someone in your son's life. You're angry -- it's understandable. You feel some vengeance here to set the record straight and maybe punish her. This might feel really good in the short term, but you have a long game going on here that involves your son. If this guy turns out to be decent, he might be a stable presence in a home that won't be. Watching your son fall apart with a BPD mom can rip your heart up and make what you're feeling now look like small potatoes. Parental alienation tends to go along with BPD divorces (read Lesson 6). It's a form of brainwashing that can effectively remove your son from your life. Even if the courts say you can see him, he might believe what his mom says about you. Kids don't have the same ability to figure out what's going on.

The hardest thing you can do, and the best thing you could do, for you and your son, is to figure out how to keep someone stable in your ex's life. Someone you trust. Someone who can tell you what is going on in your son's life.

It hurts what you're experiencing right now, but if you can just imagine -- there is an even greater source of pain on the horizon. Watching helplessly as your kid starts to fall apart as the BPD parenting (everything you experienced) takes its toll.

Scare this guy off and you may end up with a much bigger problem.

I understand completely what you’re saying, it is very hard.

She tortured me and punished me for so long and yes, I want some form of revenge. She will be lying to him about my character and about my parenting. She will be playing the victim and love bombing him to death.

I don’t feel like she deserves to be happy, I feel like she needs to be punished. I feel like I should show this guy proof via messages and email of how vindictive and nasty she is.

I make plans, book train tickets to see my son, costing £150, the day before she tells me she is going to see her boyfriend and she’s taking my son. Meaning that I can’t see him and I’ve wasted X amount of money.

She changes her plans constantly and doesn’t give a damn about my son seeing his father.

She will be moving closer to me in the Spring, I’m getting to a point where I feel like walking away from him until she moves. I honestly can’t take this anymore

[livednlearned]

Do you have any kind of custody plan in place? It sounds like you're in the UK -- it might be different where you are. But in the US, the custody order does mean something, even if it can take a while to get things sorted out.

You have a hard dilemma here. It seems like the feelings of anger toward your ex are more important than the feelings of love you have for your child. You might have to choose which one matters more to you.