Restraining order

[swimjim]

My ex unBPDgf filed a false restraining order on me 2 years ago. The judge threw it out during the hearing so all has been okay. Yesterday, I was at the grocery store and passed her accidently walking down an isle in the store. I don't even know if she saw me. As soon as I saw her, I left the store.  I know I may be over reacting but anything is possible with her after what I went through 2 years ago. Being that she may be delusional, if she saw me, could she think I am stalking her and try to get me in trouble? I know if I had a restraining order against me, I could be in trouble for being in the store but the fact that I don't have one against me now, what is to stop her from filing a new one. How am I suppose to know where she is going to be at ay given time not knowing what kind of car she drives now. I shouldn't have to live like this but she did try to abuse the legal system before. I know I am being paranoid and need to relax. I have been going to this grocery store since I was a little kid. She is the one that moved to my town 6 years ago to pursue a relationship with me. Can anyone help put me at ease?     

[Tim300]

I would not worry that you're being paranoid.  I would avoid her.  I think you made the right move.  Don't plan your life around it, but if you cross paths, I would get out of there.  In my experience they are delusional and they tend to think that all exes are stalking them.  She's taken legal action before, why not again. 

[swimjim]

Thanks Tim300. Who would have ever thought that walking past someone in a public store can get you in trouble. This gives them power. At this point, wouldn't she have to have more than one incident of me seeing her before she can file another restraining order? Can a simple incident like yesterday be all she needs to go back to the courthouse and file another restraining order? How can anyone live under these circumstances? I have as much right to be in a store as she does.

[Tim300]

Thanks Tim300. Who would have ever thought that walking past someone in a public store can get you in trouble. This gives them power. At this point, wouldn't she have to have more than one incident of me seeing her before she can file another restraining order? Can a simple incident like yesterday be all she needs to go back to the courthouse and file another restraining order? How can anyone live under these circumstances? I have as much right to be in a store as she does.

Good questions.  I don't know much about restraining orders and this should vary by state law.  I would look it up for your state.  I don't know how dangerous/reckless your ex can be in BPD dysregulation, but my ex seemed to lose control at the end of our relationship and I have a lot more to lose than her, so I am just trying to keep my distance.  If she picks up on this and it gives her power somehow, so be it.  If I was in a lower-profile occupation I might not be as cautious as I am.  But in any event, I wouldn't try to go toe to toe with a psychopath -- their disorder will win, just stay away.   

[swimjim]

If  someone tries to file a second restraining order on you after failing to get one the first time on you, the courts should consider it abuse of the legal system if denied again. The legal system is allowing innocent people to be dragged into court to prove their innocence and their are no consequences for the petitioner when she is denied the order. Consequences would discourage false charges. I should not have to live in fear but I am. Every day now for awhile, I have to worry that there will be another temporary order waiting for me that I will have to fight. I don't understand why the legal system can't be more active in punishing false accusers. 

[Waddams]

Are you certain she really didn't know you were there?  Is it possible maybe you were being tailed?

[swimjim]

It is possible she knew I was there. It pisses me off that I could be minding my own business in a public store and she can make up that I am stalking her. When someone is delusional, they can THINK they are being harassed and we are sitting ducks to be fattened for slaughter. She does not have to have concrete proof. All it has to be is an allegation. Any security camera in the store would show that I walked right past her without saying a word or looking at her.

[drummerboy]

My ex got a restraining order against me on total BS statements in her application. Would have cost me a lot of money to fight it. If there is no ro against you youhave nothing to fear, you haven't broken any laws or breached any court orders. With mine there is a stipulation that I keep 10 feet away from her do if I run into her that's what i do, easy peasy

[livednlearned]

My ex unBPDgf filed a false restraining order on me 2 years ago. The judge threw it out during the hearing so all has been okay.

Did the judge throw it out during the first hearing or the second one? In many states, the first hearing does not require both parties to be there. Many ROs are granted as a safeguard until a hearing can be set and both parties appear, giving the target a chance to defend himself/herself.

Focus on the fact that the RO was denied -- that's important. Instead of being triggered by what she might do, focus on what the outcome was, which was in your favor. The judge was able to see through her allegations. If that happened once, there is a good chance it would happen again. It's also possible that your ex has done this with other targets. If that's the case, the courts will know her, and are likely to dismiss her claims.

Also, if she filed a frivolous false allegation again, ask for sanctions so that the judge can ask her to pay your legal fees. It will be near to impossible to collect the fees, but it may send a stronger message than having no consequences at all.

Has she made any contact whatsoever with you in the last 2 years?

[swimjim]

She has not tried contacting me. She is with replacement #2 since our breakup so she is getting her abandonment needs fulfilled. However, since I have been painted black, I am now evil and if she is delusional, seeing me in public can be distorted as me stalking her. To think this woman begged me and pressured me to marry her after just 5 months of dating is inconceivable. Now she views me as a predator. None of this makes sense.

[Warney]

I to have a restraining order placed on me by my ex . It was placed by a judge on her lies and emotional deception. I now have to fight this at a second stage or it becomes binding after 3 months.

I have gathered peoples statements and facts to fight the lies but also feel that i may lose this because the system tends to side with females on this . Also i cant see her son now because of this even thou i raised him , for the last 5 years , he is 10 now. I hope it all works out for you.

[livednlearned]

I to have a restraining order placed on me by my ex . It was placed by a judge on her lies and emotional deception. I now have to fight this at a second stage or it becomes binding after 3 months.

I have gathered peoples statements and facts to fight the lies but also feel that i may lose this because the system tends to side with females on this . Also i cant see her son now because of this even thou i raised him , for the last 5 years , he is 10 now. I hope it all works out for you.

Hi Warney,

I hope both of you get some peace from the situations you're dealing with. It really sucks to be involved with the legal system like this.

I posted this over in another thread and wanted to share it here in case it provides a small bit of relief. You're right that the system does seem to have a bias. Every time there is a big news story about female victims of domestic violence, it just makes it harder for male victims to be get a fair shake. 

Men reported that their women partners made false accusations against them, which included that he hit or beat her, that a restraining order was filed against him under false pretenses, or that he physically and/or sexually abused the children. These findings are congruent with a previous study that showed that approximately 50% of men victims of IPV stated that their partners gave false information to the court system in order to gain custody of the children or to obtain a restraining order (Hines et al., 2007). These findings are also consistent with a study of families undergoing custody disputes in the courts (Johnston, Lee, Olesen, & Walters, 2005), which showed that 21% of women made allegations of physical child abuse against their husbands, 23% of sexual child abuse, and 55% of IPV. Only 6%, 6%, and 41% of the accusations, respectively, were substantiated by the courts. (This study also showed similar rates of accusations and substantiations by men against their wives.)

Hopefully you have a good judge and go into court organized with a solid defense, and this all goes away.

[swimjim]

You can win with documentation. I saved all my emails that proved she lied in court. You see, they either file false restraining orders just to embarrass you and jeopardize  your integrity or if they are BPD, they are delusional and actually believe their lies via distortion. The courts can cut down on frivolous lawsuits if they punish them for perjury or force them to pay your legal bills if you prove your innocence. But the courts don't do this. This angers me. We put ourselves through agony to prove our innocence and they walk out unscathed if they are proven wrong.