She agreed to couples T... Now what

[Depression = 72% of members]

Little background;

Caught her texting replacement on xmas, she told me she loves me and not him, but it is not a rrelationship with him and its just fun, and that she feels like she cant be in a relationship because it basically freaks her out. She continues to go out with him, but also does go out with me. She has been seeing T for about 4 weeks and has really acknowledged that she has BPD issues, she has stated she wishes she could let go of everything that is keeping her from US being happy. But seems unwilling or unable to let go of unhealthy behavior.At times she refuses to see me because she says she is scared of the emotions and doesnt trust herself to not jump right back in to where we were, ... .living together, talking about marriage.  This weekend we talked quite a bit on the phone, and she did agree to go to couples T... .This seems like major step to me.

We have our first appointment on Wednesday, and I have no idea what to expect.  Any help or iinsight would be very helpful!

[new2pain]

Little background;

Caught her texting replacement on xmas, she told me she loves me and not him, but it is not a rrelationship with him and its just fun, and that she feels like she cant be in a relationship because it basically freaks her out. She continues to go out with him, but also does go out with me. She has been seeing T for about 4 weeks and has really acknowledged that she has BPD issues, she has stated she wishes she could let go of everything that is keeping her from US being happy. But seems unwilling or unable to let go of unhealthy behavior.At times she refuses to see me because she says she is scared of the emotions and doesnt trust herself to not jump right back in to where we were, ... .living together, talking about marriage.  This weekend we talked quite a bit on the phone, and she did agree to go to couples T... .This seems like major step to me.

We have our first appointment on Wednesday, and I have no idea what to expect.  Any help or iinsight would be very helpful!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drummerboy]

If she does have BPD or many PD traits, and it sounds like she does, I think couples counselling is very premature. She needs to work on her issues, her traumas and start working towards being a mentally healthy person.

[new2pain]

Both my T and her T have brought up the idea to each of us. Not sure what she is telling her T... .

We both agree we need to keep seeing individual T's but realizing replacement is getting in the way of her issues. Ive been working on my communications skills and seem to be better at keeping convo on tract and not causing dysregulation. She has been more open and accepting of her contributions to this.

Im just hoping we will be able to have healthier convo with T present.

Just scared to bring up stuff, because usually met with... ."your throwing things in my face"

[JRT]

speaking for myself: if she admitted to seeing someone else, there is zero chance I would agree to continue to date her. As I view this as a massive violation in trust and fidelity (no matter what the reason), there is very little way that I would come close to considering even a freindship with her: where there is smoke, there is fire. She would sell you out as a friend as easily as she would a BF.

[maxsterling]

I can't say what to expect, but I can warn you not to expect this to "fix" things.  The good news is, she has her own T.  I'd also suggest you get your own T, too.  

The next thing I can guarantee is that you won't  go in there, MC will immediately see the BPD issues, take your side, and "fix" her.  What's more likely is that you will go in there, she will blame you for this or that, you will then be tempted to defend and explain (JADE), MC will see that negatively on you, and you will leave feeling like you just got abused all over again.

So, I suggest going in without any expectations.  Keep your mind completely open.  Start the first few sessions out just feeling out the counselor, and talking about basic facts.  If you go in with a "loaded gun" (meaning a list of grievances), you will get nowhere.  And be real careful not to JADE.  Let the MC dictate the flow in the room.  Oh and one important thing, DON'T BRING UP YOUR GF's BPD to the MC!  Be patient, and let the MC come up to his/her own conclusion, unless your GF volunteers is.  If you go in to the session saying "my GF has BPD, what should I do... .", things will go really, really bad.

My feeling is that MC with a pwBPD can be helpful in some areas and for some things, but the reality is relationships with pwBPD are always unhealthy, and that means the MC may be completely overwhelmed.    You won't be able to discuss normal relationships issues in a calm way because your GF is not emotionally healthy.  It will take a few sessions for your MC to catch on and try new strategies.  The first session with my wife, our MC gave us a list of ways to settle arguments and not hurt each other.  Problem is, my wife is incapable at times of implementing those actions.  That list is basically useless for a pwBPD.  MC never has brought up that list again... .

[new2pain]

JRT, before this relationship I would have agreed, but I guess as most people on here would agree these rrelationships are different, and from reading others posts Im somewhat hopeful that as early as she is acknowledging what is going on and based on what my T is saying, this might be salvagable... In her mind we are broken up so she is not cheating.

Max, We are both seeing our own T, and gf/ex has been to see my T one time, and was very open with her. She found her own T because she didn't want to see same T as me. She did agree to go to couples T with T that I have been seeing, so everyone has met eachother and T is aware of her issues.

[new2pain]

We had our session today, she showed up and participated.

She said that it was hard for her to be with me because her emotions for me triggered her fear of abandonment. That she felt she needed to work on her. T basically told her (in a nicer T way) that based on what she was saying that she felt it would be good for us to dial back our rs and not end it... (this I agree with) that if this was her issue, then leaving the rs would be an escape and that I was the right person to be in rs with while working on these issues. T reccommended that we continue to go and with T mediation establish some guidelines that were acceptable to both of us... .Not sure where this will lead, we were both on lunch hour and had no discussion after session...

I dont want to push her and guess I just wait for her to contact me? I have learned a lot from reading others stories on here... Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice is appreciated

[maxsterling]

I dont want to push her and guess I just wait for her to contact me? I have learned a lot from reading others stories on here... Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice is appreciated

the key to these r/s is extreme patience.  You are going to have to give her space to feel what she needs to feel and do what she needs to do.  Putting any kind of timeframe or expectations for this r/s will doom you. 

That said, you don't have to wait for her to contact you.  The trick is to put out "feelers" to help gage where she is at.  Don't completely go silent, but don't put too much on her.  I'm assuming she already knows your desire to have a r/s with her long term.  You don't need to say anything else there.  But, you can send her a message and ask her out for lunch, a walk, something casual, or just to say "hey".  Based upon how she responds will give you clues as to her mood and how to proceed. 

[MaroonLiquid]

I am waiting for the time where my wife doesn't sabotage our therapy appointment and actually GO!  Frsutrating... .

[new2pain]

Yes I was super nervous that she may not show up, but she texted early this morning saying she would be there... .

Im working on finding that acceptance level of what and when for me to bring things up.

She did get emotional in T and she really doesn't like to cry, to tje point she will deny she is crying while tears roll down her face.

I sent her a text just saying Thank you for going today... .

I haven't heard back from her, im trying to give her some space to process this morning because Im sure she is feeling vulnerable, and I know she is not a fan of that... .

At this point if she agrees to keep going I will take that as a victory, and I could use a few of those.

Just got a thank you too... .busy text. 

[new2pain]

Ugh this is all so confusing.

We have spoke very little since the appointment, "she does not have the energy to talk about it"

Ive been just putting fealers out like maxsterling, suggested and she does respond but still will not meet with me, I try to use SET and it seems to be helping.

Her lack of "energy"  is draining me... .super depressed

[Michelle27]

When things were at their worst 4.5 years ago, I dragged my uBPDh to marriage counseling and it actually made things worse.  What a previous poster said about their experience is exactly what happened... .I left each session feeling worse than before.  Of course, now it has come to light that during that time he was in the midst of a year long affair with a so-called friend of mine, so that didn't help... .

Now that he's acknowledging his BPD tendency (and actually says he has it although is still waiting to get his referral to a psychiatrist for an official diagnosis), he wants us to work on our relationship issues, but I know deep in my gut that we're not ready for that yet.  He needs to work through his own crap and at least get into DBT.  In the meantime, I am working on me.