Grieving loss of son and no empathy from BPD/NPD spouse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My 25 yr old son (wheelchair user) passed away unexpectedly on December 6. He was attending college and had just moved into his own apartment, had been there one week when I couldn't reach him and went to find him deceased in his bed. My BPD/NPD husband (son's stepfather) was with me and called 911. He was very gentle and sweet to me (he was never close to my son, basically ignored him most of the time) during the excruciatingly painful first week. Until my friend and daughter arrived from out of town.

He and my friend ending up arguing and he pushed her off her feet onto the concrete, hitting her head. Then he drove away and stayed in a hotel, leaving me behind. The funeral was the next day, he told almost everyone he could to NOT attend the funeral after this incident. He blamed everything on my friend who was drinking wine at the time. That was two months ago and he still blames her for the incident. The rest of the week she was here, he completely ignored her, would just go into the bedroom and shut the door, even if it was all day long.

I am doing my best at staying calm, but I have panic attacks when it hits me again and again that my son is really gone. I was his caregiver, we were together daily, I helped him with toileting/showering/laundry/cooking/everything. He was a wonderful son, very caring and we loved each other very much. He did not like my husband and was afraid for me, he had overheard many arguments and witnessed the cops coming over after a suicide threat/brandishing a knife back in Sept.

Now that 2 months have passed, my BPD/NPD husband has decided that I've grieved enough and he has no more patience for my tears or sadness. He only cried one time, that was the night my son died. Since then he has been "business mode". Any time I get upset now, he takes an attitude towards me, an unfeeling, cold, couldn't-care-less attitude. He tells me that I will never be happy again and that our marriage is probably ruined now because if I'm not happy, then he can't be happy. Talks about this just go round and round. He says he "knows" everything that will happen, and there is always a negative outcome.

Even with this callous, uncaring behavior, he tells me that "he's so in love with me" and he's "crazy about me" and "we'll be together forever", but it's just lip service. He hardly offers to do anything to help, isn't supportive when I'm sad, openly tells me that he doesn't want to be around me if I'm upset and "he has a right to his feelings". He tells his family a completely different story, that he's "trying his best" and "he's here for me". They all feel sorry for me, and think he's so wonderful.

I am experiencing his lack of empathy AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME in my life.

Any advice on how I can persevere this treatment until I can get it together to move out? He's showing his true colors, and they are very dark. There is no way for me to forgive him this time... .my precious son has died and my BPD/NPD husband simply doesn't care anymore. I know that I have to leave him now, I'm formulating a plan, but it's complex due to logistics. Its' going to take a few months.

In the meantime, I'm stuck here with someone who doesn't love me and doesn't care about me... .the person I'm married to. My son is gone, he'll never be back. My heart is broken into a million pieces.  Thankfully I have 2 more adult children that I will be moving back to be closer to so I have that to look forward to.

[Gimme Peace]

My 25 yr old son (wheelchair user) passed away unexpectedly on December 6. He was attending college and had just moved into his own apartment, had been there one week when I couldn't reach him and went to find him deceased in his bed. My BPD/NPD husband (son's stepfather) was with me and called 911. He was very gentle and sweet to me (he was never close to my son, basically ignored him most of the time) during the excruciatingly painful first week. Until my friend and daughter arrived from out of town.

He and my friend ending up arguing and he pushed her off her feet onto the concrete, hitting her head. Then he drove away and stayed in a hotel, leaving me behind. The funeral was the next day, he told almost everyone he could to NOT attend the funeral after this incident. He blamed everything on my friend who was drinking wine at the time. That was two months ago and he still blames her for the incident. The rest of the week she was here, he completely ignored her, would just go into the bedroom and shut the door, even if it was all day long.

I am doing my best at staying calm, but I have panic attacks when it hits me again and again that my son is really gone. I was his caregiver, we were together daily, I helped him with toileting/showering/laundry/cooking/everything. He was a wonderful son, very caring and we loved each other very much. He did not like my husband and was afraid for me, he had overheard many arguments and witnessed the cops coming over after a suicide threat/brandishing a knife back in Sept.

Now that 2 months have passed, my BPD/NPD husband has decided that I've grieved enough and he has no more patience for my tears or sadness. He only cried one time, that was the night my son died. Since then he has been "business mode". Any time I get upset now, he takes an attitude towards me, an unfeeling, cold, couldn't-care-less attitude. He tells me that I will never be happy again and that our marriage is probably ruined now because if I'm not happy, then he can't be happy. Talks about this just go round and round. He says he "knows" everything that will happen, and there is always a negative outcome.

Even with this callous, uncaring behavior, he tells me that "he's so in love with me" and he's "crazy about me" and "we'll be together forever", but it's just lip service. He hardly offers to do anything to help, isn't supportive when I'm sad, openly tells me that he doesn't want to be around me if I'm upset and "he has a right to his feelings". He tells his family a completely different story, that he's "trying his best" and "he's here for me". They all feel sorry for me, and think he's so wonderful.

I am experiencing his lack of empathy AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME in my life.

Any advice on how I can persevere this treatment until I can get it together to move out? He's showing his true colors, and they are very dark. There is no way for me to forgive him this time... .my precious son has died and my BPD/NPD husband simply doesn't care anymore. I know that I have to leave him now, I'm formulating a plan, but it's complex due to logistics. Its' going to take a few months.

In the meantime, I'm stuck here with someone who doesn't love me and doesn't care about me... .the person I'm married to. My son is gone, he'll never be back. My heart is broken into a million pieces.  Thankfully I have 2 more adult children that I will be moving back to be closer to so I have that to look forward to.

[zeus123]

i am sorry to hear about the loss of your son, must be very difficult time for you. i hope that you will continue to have the strength and courage to keep holding on...

you say that your husband is BPD/NPD person, do you know what are these disorders? you said that your husband didn't show empathy, of course not because he has no empathy that is why he is a sociopath. i don't want to elaborate more on what other pathological traits sociopath have but i am glad that you are planning on moving out because it will be the best decision of your life. these people are emotional vampires and relationships with them do not work it is rather a waste of time to be with them. run away... good luck.

[new2pain]

I am very sorry for your loss.

My son would have been 25 on January 28th but was killed in a Motorcycle accident,2 years ago. My gf birthday is also January 28th, we are currently seperated and on morning of 28th she texted me to say, I know you have alot going on today, and dont want to argue about our issues... .I think thats as close as she could come to sympathy that day, as she then spent the rest of the day with no contact.

I dont know where you live, but after my sons accident I went to a retreat for parents who have lost children, Called while were waiting... .It was very helpful.

Good luck. Stay strong

[propunchingbag]

I am very sorry for your loss.

My son would have been 25 on January 28th but was killed in a Motorcycle accident,2 years ago. My gf birthday is also January 28th, we are currently seperated and on morning of 28th she texted me to say, I know you have alot going on today, and dont want to argue about our issues... .I think thats as close as she could come to sympathy that day, as she then spent the rest of the day with no contact.

I dont know where you live, but after my sons accident I went to a retreat for parents who have lost children, Called while were waiting... .It was very helpful.

Good luck. Stay strong

I am very sorry to hear about your son. So tragic!

I'm not trying to hijack your post but I thought I would share what happened to me.

When my mom passed away my wife was mad at me for spending so much time at her house. Pancreatic Cancer finally took her from us 3 months later. Every day I came home was a guilt fest. How could I abandon her, ignore her, disrespect her?

The only support I had during this whole process was a T and my family who kept coming and going out of town.

It's not that the BPD's are bad people, its that they are sick and unable to regulate themselves. Its sad all the way around.

My condolences and hope that you get counseling from Hospice, its free where I live even if you did not formally use the service.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I understand what you are going thru in both ways. When My father passed away my exgf was sympathetic to a point. I think loss and stress are just two things she can not handle. I am not excusing her, merely pointing out an awful shortcoming for a spouse or partner to have. Fortunately she had the good sense not to tell me to get over his death.

My brother died almost 8 yrs ago. My exgf was much kinder about that. Having said that even tho it's been such a long time, my mother still feels the loss. It will never leave you. It will change, but the loss will never go.

As for ur husband, my only advice would be to keep as stiff an upper lip around him as you can, grieve privately, and complete your plan to leave. No person is worth a wasted breath who thinks he has the right to tell a grieving mother to get over the loss of their child in two months. Prepare for his backlash when it happens too, as I am sure it will. He's despicable.

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you for the replies and the support. I'm trying my best to be strong, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Losing my son has left me broken, to be around someone so emotionally unstable is pushing my limits. Now I'm out of the black, and he wants to take me away for Valentines Day. We did this last year and it was a total disaster, he was dysregulated the entire time and the trip was miserable. I'm trying to get out of it, I don't want to be stuck in a car with him, his unstable moods and being away from home and my sons pictures that I need every day.

Thank you for the positive thoughts while I persevere this journey.

[propunchingbag]

Thank you for the replies and the support. I'm trying my best to be strong, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Losing my son has left me broken, to be around someone so emotionally unstable is pushing my limits. Now I'm out of the black, and he wants to take me away for Valentines Day. We did this last year and it was a total disaster, he was dysregulated the entire time and the trip was miserable. I'm trying to get out of it, I don't want to be stuck in a car with him, his unstable moods and being away from home and my sons pictures that I need every day.

Thank you for the positive thoughts while I persevere this journey.

Take a bunch of photos of your son with you. If that is too much for him then take pictures of them with your cell phone and look at them when you are not together.

For what its worth... .Every anniversary/birthday/valentines with my wife has been a nightmare. Something inside of her head goes PING and the madness starts.